I only go backwards

jr on March 4, 2019

I told Mallory last week that I think I should work on being more independent in my emotional anchors. I think one of the reasons that I feel bad right now is that I rely on external validation when I’m depressed or anxious to pull me out of it. It would be nice to source that strength within myself.

I saw the new therapist again this morning and explained to him that I still have so much fear of abandonment because of things in my childhood:

  1. Three grandparents dying within 18 months of each other when I was 4-5
  2. Getting off the bus after grade school, expecting my dad to be home, and finding out later that he had taken the day off so that he could move out; and my mom being (understandably) emotionally unavailable in the immediacy of that event
  3. My mom deciding she was going to move out for a while and “maybe never talk to you or your brother again” when she couldn’t handle my bisexuality

These things all spillover into my relationships and it’s hard to do therapy on them because adulthood obviously has its own challenges and those are always more pressing concerns for therapy. Harley suggested a book, Running on Empty by Jonice Webb. I can’t find it at a library, but I’m very interested in it. I’m somewhat reticent to do that work right now, but it may a good time since the fear of abandonment is so relevant right now.

I think therapy via reading and thinking is good for me right now. I’ve always been such an overly educated and analytical therapy patient. Therapists like that, don’t get me wrong, but it sometimes feels like I could get the same benefit of therapy session by talking to an empty room. That’s not completely fair to therapists, but lately I’ve felt like I walk in and explain everything that’s going on, do my own therapy on it, and then leave. It’s helpful to have my instincts validated, but I’m confident that I can do therapy work independently through books.

I finished The Art of Money last week. I took a solid month and a half off from it because I felt like I needed to go a little more slowly. I took so much from that book. I need to reread my notes every now and then so that I can think about it.