Author: Jess

perhaps this is the knife to our throats
my eyes closing to find myself afraid to breathe
fear that the knife will move and cut porcelain skin
while you just keep laughing while that love stays in your eyes
and your weapon is so close to me,
as my tears fall they land on the blade
and i feel so scared, so god-damned scared that you’ll slice me
but more afraid that that love will leave your eyes
and you’ll just keep laughing

its all about feeling because we don’t think anymore
our parents are hippies and we’ve been raised to just feel
that’s our problem, that’s our solution to just feel it
and i miss feeling you.

i’m sorry that at one point:
i cared more about my fuck-up mother than myself
i cared more about those who did not love me
than i cared about those who did.
i’m sorry.

i’m sorry that at one point:
i cared more about your sister’s opinion
than i did about your feelings
i cared more about what other deemed right
than i did about what felt right
i’m sorry.

i’m sorry that at one point:
i wasn’t there for you
the way i should have been.

i’m forgetting everything about you
everything i said i’d always remember
is being erased by new memories

you are a manipulative asshole
and i love who you were
but i don’t know who you are,
anymore.

we’re together
because we don’t want to be
alone or with anyone else
so its just us
against the world, against japan
against nebraska
respectively in small cars
because smushing in isn’t as bad as melting

even without pirate costumes,
or with warning “WATCH ME!” signs
on a blanket or a towel
in the water (warm or cold spots)
just say we’ll always be together
because i always want to be together
with you
so tell me, we will be
of course we will be

we crash two supermarkets
and a mexican food joint
getting whistles for me
and you dancing while i blast nsync
we’re walking walking driving
to find a better place with a better view
and then our legs get tired
and with each other is the best view

so many different people
milling around us
and calling our phones
but we’ve got drunk boys
and glitter boys
and everything is going to be alright
even if we aren’t around next year, this time
we’ll always be together
tell me, we will be.

and you come back
because you don’t want to watch late nite
when you’re missing our late night.

i miss you right now
more than i ever missed me
i’m so fucking stupid,
call me, call me
come back to me.

i’ll put you in a box
a porcelain box, so fragile
like the love we had
and your picture can rest there
with the memories of you there
i’ll push them so fucking far
from my head.

it’ll work i swear it.

your memory is already fading
and in a bad way, tell me
what does your face look like
when you smile, i haven’t seen you
smile in weeks
that seem like months turning to years
tell me, what color are your eyes
and how do your fingertips feel against my back?

i remember.
but i ask to keep you talking.

your absence is like rolling thunder
and the lightning was so quick
it left me alone with a burning tree
wondering where all the magic and the tension in the air had gone
and what i was supposed to do to put out the fire.

in your absence i’m so fucking alone
i don’t know what to do with myself
so i go out with everyone and drown in the loneliness
of trying to say your name
and feeling it choked back by memory.

if i never told you you’re the only one for me,
i should have.
if i ever told you you’re the only one for me,
i was right.
or that’s how i feel and i can’t think, my minds numb
i just feel and i feel like i miss feeling you.

i think i want him, but i want all of them
because it kills me to feel like someone doesn’t want me
but this late at night it feels like no one should want me
and i only want you because you’ve always loved me
unconditionally.
and i’ve only been happy, with me,
when i was with you.

this absence of you is breaking me
i can’t take it, i don’t like it, i didn’t want it.
this abscense of you is worse than the absence of me
and your absence is really my absence
but i blend into you and i think that’s okay.

in your absence, i miss your ceiling.
so love me love me love me
in your absence

i’ll go back to being me
and you’ll go back to being you
and we’ll be in some other time
that we remember
as feeling so far away
from right now, and this love
we’ll be oblivious to all of the befores
and we’ll stop before the afters
none of this is happening now
you be you; i’ll be me.

but i don’t know who i am
anymore than you remember who you were
maybe we were just black and white
you black, you white; me black, me white.
and our love blended us to shades of gray.
we’re not as harsh on the eyes
but we’re smoky, like dewey morning horizons
and we’re soft in each others eyes.

you go back to being you
and i’ll go back to being me
and we’ll be in some other time
we don’t have to learn from these lessons
we can fail this course of relationship
but i still love you, of course
and i don’t want to forget you, of course
it was black and white all along.
pass me a lighter, baby
i’ll set the fire
our history will go up in shades of gray
smoke and flame.

its me that you’re calling.
today,
you said you’ll call me
or that i should call you
but i don’t want to talk to you
because i want to talk to you.

and in all honesty
it was nice to hear your voice

you were cleansed of so many sins
you were pure of everything
and was it you i loved?
or was it something else
they never tell our story
the words are skewed:
to the left or to the right.

it might be wrong
it might be unimporant
but its something we’ll remember
while everyone else forgets
we’ll remember.

we were so many opposites
but in the end, we were all the same
and while everything was different
we were drawn together
and it was you i loved.