Author: Jess

you folded your hands
tightly around me
and i choked and suffocated in your grasp
while you said iloveyouiloveyouiloveyou
you crushed my little wings
and i couldn’t have flown away
even if i had tried
and i was too dumb to try that

now you want me back
or that’s what they tell me
long after you left me bound and broken
you call my name alone at night
once again, i’m sorry to say
i cannot be your savior
i cannot be your lover
you’ll say those words again
ask me for forgiveness
you fucking bastard, no one died
no one died for your sins against me

and i said amen a long time ago.

you hold me
the way a cloud holds lightning
(well before the storm)
i need your electricity
like a warm blanket
of soft words
so don’t tell me that it’s over
just rock me to sleep
&turn the light out
sing me a lullabye
leave the curse words out
and sprinkle thorns between my sheets before you go
you can keep the rose

when i am with you,
i feel content
and i use my breath to tell you
that with you is the only time
that i don’t vehemently seek change
you say something in response
but i don’t think that you believe me
maybe it would hurt to much
if you thought that i was wrong
or maybe you believe him, i don’t know.

he was around and explained it all to me
i think he’s full of shit because
that’s going to happen every time
unless it doesn’t, i hope it won’t
and there’s no reason not to dive in
because there might be water.
and i listen to him and refute the arguments
but i don’t really care
i am just a joey in your pouch
and everything is wonderful
now
even if its not wonderful later, i’ll love you the whole time and i will never ever forget you. you’re just too beautiful for that.

when we’re apart
i try to write it all down
because i never want to forget you
and i never want to forget this
but i cannot do you justice
especially with words.

i like to live in the past
those happy moments
(the ones you &I created)
where the minutes felt like seconds that were smashed down hours that told lifetimes
and it is there that i find myself
it’s in these times
when there is no one talking,
only my fingers typing and my heart beating
and my lungs breathing
searching for the air of you

i like to live in the future
those beautiful moments
(the ones we will create)
where the comforter feels like silk and the pillows are just clouds to rest our heads on
the wooden floors will feel cold in the cool breeze of the morning
and our nightgowns will make us look like little girls
we’ll still feel that innocent
i’ll hand you a cup of juice and a pomegranite.
and say “let’s just stay home.”

i only like the right nows that you’re here for.

on tv the man is talking about baseball
and the shelf above it is kerouac
–finally talking to me
my computer beeps like warning
of red-handed slight of hand.
but i hear nothing, despite the calamity.
in my head i just see quiet
almost like i want it.

and i miss you so much right now.
you’re a beautiful girl
and your eyes write nonfiction
while your hands trace poetry
and your hair whispers music
the words you say when we’re together
are the only words ever created
that i ever want to remember

when it gets so quiet around here
i hear my heart beating
i hear the keys clack-clack-clack-ing
and i only want to hear you
someday you may come out
tell everyone that you’re a liar
but right now you speak such pretty words
and i’m inclined to believe you

don’t let me down, angel
the piercing ugliness of silence
is more than i can take

at the bottom of a good high
i always try to hold on
i grab on to anything
and shove pills down my throat
and then I sit around
feeling sort of naked and alone
hoping that the clouds don’t let go of me
stay here because reality isn’t pretty
when i can’t see past my own ugliness
and i need something to hold on to
i need something to hold on to me
so don’t let go

the pills find their way to my stomach
and i’m waiting for the cold numbness to set in
i’m waiting to feel nothing for a long time
and in my head i’m thinking that convulsions are gonna start
so hold on to the ground
and let myself go again
so i’m floating away from you
and i find myself above the earth
and i find you in the back of my head
where are you pretty girl?

these drugs are like a vaccuum
i’m being sucked in again
and i’ve lost all control but i don’t mind
i come back down;
you press your lips to mine
and i’m so high again
you’re like a drug
but you’re more perfect.

my lips on your skin,
the only sound is of light kisses
of promises being made by my lips
to the cells and pores of your body
in silence they whisper may i?
in a fleeting sigh you pose your answer
yes yes yes yes yes
and my eyelids close and reopen
as your hands find their way to my back
and then my eyes dig into your pupils
like a little kid’s spoon into ice cream
our eyes lock on each others
and our gaze becomes the same
its the air in between us
and then there is no air in between us
you taste the way the chrysanthemum’s taste
at the first light of the morning
as sampled by the rising sunshine

looking into eyes that are so far away
just a few more words to make this the worst day
and the saddest words you said to me were:
everything is just a phone call away from ending
six more words to make my point hit home:
i’m sorry. i’m so fucking sorry.

every excuse in the book
won’t pull my foot out of my mouth on this one
choking on toes and my own saliva
i’m looking for words to make it okay again
spending all of these long cold nights
holding on to my dignity
and i just need, someone, to hold on to me

it’s just not working out
i’m sorry i’m letting go.
it has to end sometime but why
why must it end like this?
and you asked the questions
and i made up answers
i got off the phone and cried into my pillow
make these sad thoughts and lonely nights go away

you said i’m fragile
and i shined up my hammer