Everything seemed so perfect that summer. I was sixteen, I had a midnight curfew, a house by the beach, that curly hair that ‘all the other girls would die for’. I felt so indestructable. Everything was so new to me and so wonderful. I wanted to live there, in the first moments at least, forever.
I even made friends with the other Boardwalk kids and I finally felt like I fit in with someone. Usually I was just “that girl usually has a pencil.” But these kids actually talked to me and let me talk to them and they hung out with me, not because they were just being nice, but because they actually liked me as a person. That meant so much to me.
We even had our own spot. It was about a five minute walk from the last store on the boardwalk. There was a bonfire pit and we could just be all alone with the ocean. Before we’d started going down there we noticed that lots of people went down there and no one really ever checked on them. It seemed like the perfect spot for us.
Our trips down there started out innocent enough. We just hung out and made fun of each other, threw things around, and other usual teenage activities. One night though, Amelie brought a bottle of vodka and we just passed it around. I didn’t drink much at first, just a sip, and then I passed it on every time it got back around to me.
Soon though, they were all pretty drunk. I don’t know how much of it was actually because of alcohol though. Sometimes when people, especially teens, drink for the first time, I think that they just act drunk becuse they don’t know how they’re really supposed to feel.
Ben came up to me, a tipsy journey for him, and asked how much I’d had to drink. I told him that I’d barely drank anything at all and he began to coax me. He said “oh come on, Eenie, just a little. it’s good for you.” I told him that I didn’t really like it but he was convinced that if I just tried it one more time then I would start to like it. I knew better, but I took a sip, and then he convinced me to take another, and soon I was just as out of it as he was.
We were all sitting around the fire still, Ben was next to me. Travis, Levi, and Joe were having a fire jumping contest but Ben said that fire and drunkness didn’t mix with his usual clumsiness.
While we sat there and watched it, Ben said, “you know, i like you, Enid.” He put his arm around me. I wasn’t expecting that, but I’d never had a boyfriend and I think sometimes desperation mixed with alcohol smothers one’s better judgement. I should’ve known better.
Pretty soon, he was kissing me, right there in front of everyone and I still didn’t really know what to do. We’d been sitting around for a few hours and the alcohol was kinda starting to wear off, we’d ran out of it a long time ago, but Ben still maintained control of me. He wanted to go somewhere away from the other kids. I followed him, relunctantly. He held my hand and pulled me along behind him, like one of those movies that ended so happy.
When we were out of site though, he started kissing me again and he pulled me down into the sand. It didn’t seem that bad at first or else i probably would have left. Soon though, he was on top of me. I told him “no” and i kept saying it but he just held me down. I was so scared because I didn’t know what they’d think of me. I passed out. It could’ve had something to do with the alcohol too, but it was mostly just my fear.
When I woke up, the sun was up again, and my clothes were kind of ripped and laying next to me. I looked around for Ben and I couldn’t find him anywhere. I didn’t really want to see him though. I didn’t really want to see anyone. I felt so dirty. Like if any one else laid eyes on me they too would become this way. I felt like a plague. I felt like a stupid girl. I felt like I wasn’t pretty. I felt unworthy of attention. I felt angry.
I wanted to know why no one had come to find me before they left, and why they just left, why they didn’t stop him. They probably were too drunk to worry. Maybe he told them that he was walking me home or something. It was probably about midnight when we left the group. I didn’t understand why they couldn’t save me. I don’t even think they’d believe me if I told them.
I walked home, avoiding people. I got grounded for not coming home by midnight. It was okay though, not like I ever would’ve gone back there. I started crying and told them that we all just fell asleep out by the beach and i would’ve called but i didn’t know i was going to fall asleep. The story didn’t work for my parents, but I thought that maybe if I kept trying to believe it then it would actually become true.
I went back to my room, still crying. I hated myself for letting that happen. It was my fault that it happened because I drank. I’d always told myself that I’d never drink, or at least i’d never get drunk. Then I went and did that and look what happened to me. I felt so terrible. I just hung out in my room and cried a lot. I put on my pajamas and got a teddy bear that i probably hadn’t slept with in years down off my shelf. I curled up with him and cried until I fell asleep.
When I was sleeping I had a dream that I was being raped by Ben again, and everyone in the group was standing around watching and cheering him on. I woke up in a cold sweat, crying.
I grabbed a box of kleenex and went over to the mirror to clean my tears up. When I saw my reflection though, I started crying harder. I went into the bathroom to wash him and me and last night off of my skin. I took off all of my clothes and stood there looking at my self. I had a bunch of little cuts and scrapes all over me. They didn’t really burn but they were there and I couldn’t forget them. Even with the cuts marring my appearance, I couldn’t stand the look of my face.
I grabbed a pair of scissors and furiously began cutting off my hair. Mom always said that my hair was so pretty so maybe that’s what Ben had seen in me. I cut it short and then I took a shower, scrubbing my body and my hair and my face. Ben couldnt’ stay with me if I could just wash him off.
When I got out of the bathroom, I was crying and Mom saw my hair and started yelling. She wanted to know why I’d done that to myself and if i wanted everyone to hate me. I told her that they hate me anyways and then I walked back to my room.
I stayed behind that door for almost two days. Finally, hunger got the best of me and I came out and ate. Mom and Dad said that we were going to the store as a family. They usually did things like this so I relunctantly agreed. We went to get ice cream first. Then they said they had a surprise for me. They blindfolded me and we started driving again.
When I was stablized and the blindfold was off, I was here. They tell me that it’s some mental health institute. They think that i’m a cutter because of all of my scrapes and cuts. I wish that I had made them. I don’t know if i’ll ever tell them what happened. I don’t want my problems turned into a movie on Lifetime. It was my fault. No one has to know.
