Author: Jess

sometimes i hate myself. just everything about me. i hate the way i look the way i act the way i think to much. and i just don’t know what to do about it. last night i dreamt about feeling that way. i felt like i sucked and so i started cutting and i cut a chunk out of my arm. it was very disgusting. i just had this spot missing. and the skin was there but it was hollow like a bowl with skin and some muscle tissue for sides and a bottom and all of this tissue and cut muscle and pink flesh there. i went around with it and it stung like a bitch for weeks then i realized it wasn’t going to scar and i got really sad. i started crying and saying “what the fuck did i do!? why did i do that?!” and then i realized i was probably dreaming and so i woke up. i don’t know what to think of it it was so fucking insane. i hate having dreams like that. i just do not know what at all to think about them.

first, glare at amelia for putting me in a modd to listen to nsync. second, i was driving devon home today, blasting no strings attached and thinking about liking nsync

thinking about boy bands period reminds me of 6th grade, right after i realized that nick carter was one sexy mother. haha. (i hate admitting any of this) i went into class one morning and was like “andrea, nick is mine.” and i just said it all funnily. like i actually though i had a chance with nick carter.

note: this too is disappointing because at that age i was like “well one day you’ll be 18 and then you’ll have new hott celebrities that are your age that you can want to date and then it will be more reasonable that it’ll happen” and now i’m like 17 and the only guys i wanna bang are still like a lot older then me. see: christopher walken. see also: leonardo dicaprio, matt damon, jason lee, rivers cuomo, derek jeter. old crushes die so fucking hard.

so this moment of my life is one that i look back on with disdain. first, nick looked like a 6th grader at that time so it was maybe okay but then i also realized that maybe i don’t have to justify who i was attracted to, that this.. liking.. of nick carter shouldn’t be so fucking embarassing. but in a way it still kind of is embarassing. but i don’t think we always control who we like (whether nick carter or otherwise) because there are just certain things that attract us to people. so i realized this while driving.

anyway. this leads us to part 2 which is about nsync and why its okay that i still listen to them. when you think about it, i really was in the target age that boy bands were marketed to. (see also: cigarettes, girl power, recycled generation-x cynicism). and whether or not this JUSTIFIES (pun intended) me liking nsync now, i think its true that from a certain age we’re just conditioned to like certain things. the same way that my parents were raised in a dr.spock+catholicism outlook, my friends and i were conditioned to want to listen to boy bands. pop music of the boy variety (or the girl variety) in my opinion, is better than things like good charlotte. never has pop claimed to have some great revolution its just whatever is liked at the time. and therefore, it is good. “hi. i’m jess. and i listen to nsync.”

i think that we’re all such a pattern of everything you know. our parents raise us so that they’re not like their parents and we’ll raise our kids so that we’re not our parents and its just such a sick cycle. we never pay attention to the fact that since we’ve survived thus far our parents must not be that bad.

i mean, i don’t want to have kids because i’m sure that i’ll fuck them up somehow. i don’t know. i think i could have a pretty decent relationship with a son or daughter but i’d be more like a friend than a parent and sometimes kids need parents. they’ll find their own friends. also, i need to be able to have a decent relationship with anyone before i try to have one with someone that’s going to need me to be supportive for 18 years (hopefully more).

parenting is so tough. i’m glad i don’t plan on having any children until way later in life. i’m afraid of them. and remember: don’t procreate!

today i hung out sort of with mom and her friends. i meant to just stay and eat their brocoli but then i got sucked into the group and just kept stickng around. one of her friend’s dad is dying and they made her tell them about what happened today and she was talking about how close her dad is getting to death and how hard it is for her to deal with all of it.

i ended up crying (go figure, fucking emo kid) by the end of the whole discussion because its just such a weird subject for me. i don’t really remember my grandparents death. i remember going to the hospital a lot to see grandpa bob but i only remember the guy that gave me balloons, specifically the day mine blew away in the parking lot. and i remember going to see him when they had moved him back into the house when we took devon over to see them. that was so sad. he was so close to death. i also remember throwing a temper tantrum because they wouldn’t let me go to the funeral. but then they did let me go to the other grandparents funerals and that was good for me. i needed the closure, even if i was only four.

i have more memories of my dad’s parents being alive and of their death. but i really don’t ever remember them being sick. and maybe they weren’t sick for that long. i remember them as being such strong people though.. and i always had fun around them. i suppose thats the best memory to have.

i remember my mom’s mom the most of all of them. and despite the fact that she was apparently a plague on my mom’s childhood, they had a better relationship by the end of her life and so i remember her a lot. i think i always felt like she liked Tyler and Justin better than she liked me and i suppose she was just closer to them cuz they lived 3 blocks away instead of 3 cities away. i don’t know. but i remember her being nice even if she never was “grandmotherly” so to speak. she was near the end and i have at least some good memories with her. like that statue she gave me at first communion.

i remember when she died though. i had vbs that day and they told me right when i woke up and then they asked if i still wanted to go to vbs and i said yes. i just remember standing at the piano feelng like no one knew what was going on and that i couldn’t cry even though i really wanted to cry and i needed to cry (i was only like 8 for chrissakes) and i was just so sad. and we were doing a can food drive for starving children in other countries and we had filled the whole wall almost with cans so that they wouldn’t die and i felt like it wasn’t fair that people rally for other countries but not for my grandma. even though she did live a longer life than a child.. none of my grandparents lived to be older than 70.. i’m not sure any actually made it to 65 either. god that sucks. and my parents have bad genes apparently. oh and they smoke all the time so they’ll probably die young too. goddammit.

i might not hate my mom. i looked at her and realized i might be sad if she dies. but i kind of feel like she already did you know. like nothing could hurt worse than your mother telling you that she’s tired of being your parent. and it sucks even worse that i can’t talk about it. we’re just fucking not allowed to say ANYTHING about it around here or else we’re trying to use it to our advantage or something. i’m going to have another fucking nervous breakdown and i’m not ready for that. i don’t know how i’ll handle it when i finally deal with it all.

good thing i’ve been conditioned to push everything away.

first, i must say that yes the blog is back but that its serving the purpose of being my bullshit philosophy house for the time being. and its mine and i get to decide what to do with it so i’m going to use it to post my opinions as i go through this gigantic apostasy that i rolled into mid-june. my apologies for not keeping you posted. but i’m not even really keeping myself posted so you’ll just have to get over it.

i started reading generation x by douglas coupland today and on the back it says “a modern catcher in the rye” – cosmopolitan. and i got really angry. even though i like the book a lot (or at least what i’ve read of it) i think that its bad to compare anything to catcher in the rye and that we do this way too much.

its like suddenly, ever book with good character development and no plot is suddenly catcher in the rye. similarly, ever new age guy with a degree in astrology or mythology is suddenly the messiah. catcher in the rye was a beautiful book with a lot more to it than being the precursor for every plotless book to follow. and in a lot of ways, its kind of like my bible. and jd salinger is like right under god to me. like if god quits one day (i don’t think god will quit but still) jd salinger is going to have to fill in. and besides, franny and zooey kind of defined a lot of my religious beliefs. so i get mad when being like catcher gets thrown into every other book review. nothing is like catcher and if they really wore, wouldn’t like the next plotless book be a modern generation x or whatever. dammit.

also, until they apparently read this book, i did not realize cosmo was literate.

i got back from washington dc today. wow. i am so in love with that city. i might just have to move there. everything is so glorious. its all marble and columns and HISTORY! and i’m a transportation dork and could ride the subway for hours. i can’t even explain how great it was and how much fun i had. i’m sure i’ll get into the details of it all later. it was amazing.
i’m going to miss kandy, maggie, nikki, political talks on the floor of the metro station, the culture, the couples, the languages, and the rain most.
but it is kind of nice to be home. i’ve missed madeline a lot, and my mom and dad and brother and dogs. i’m watching movies now. mulholland drive. its supposed to be scary. i’ll find out i guess.

so much has happened since last time i blogged. madeline and i broke up. tommy and i hooked up. madeline and i got back together.
mom also went uncrazy and is now letting me see madeline again. which is excellent because i’m so in love with that girl and being without her was just terrible.
the group blog is up at http://earthfire.windflame.net.
the seniors graduated today and i am very sad. i’ll miss some of them.

yesterday was mothers day. yay. mom yelled at me for going out for subway with colby the other day. but it was okay. cuz we quit fighting when my little brother got mad at us. anyway. i spent most of yseterday obsessing over various things that i have to do in all of my classes. yeep. i’m so tired and stuff. bored with it all. like school and shit. i’m so fucking sick of it. i just need it to be over now. because i’m going crazy.
i got Rufio and Brand New’s albums yesterday. i think i like them. Rufio is really poppy. but its not bad and sometimes im in the mood for popish stuff. whee.
i think i’m going to delete all of my shit. like just keep smash. because i’m tired of running a billion websites. that’s all

worlds of fun was fun. i think. we rode the rides. there were more lines than last time and that sucks but they still weren’t very bad in comparison to the summer. yikes. and i didn’t curse as much as I usually do. which i think is also an improvement.
gabe and i talked about us, cuz we were cuddly on the bus.. and i’m just a naturally cuddly person and i thought we should straighten things out. i think we kind of have. i’m not so confident about the whole ordeal but i think we’re getting to the point that we have a really nice relationship again.
i won a pig on one of those weight-guesser things. whee! i’m so happy that i won something just by being fat. except i’m not fat. but still. har har. heh. i’m watching fast and the furious tonight. rock the fuck on.

there is new poetry. because f-od is a bastard and therefore i hate it. it’s number 45 and it’s called “happy birthday”. its about brian. so madeline don’t worry. anyway though. its there. and i think i should notify my avid readers (hah!) so i am.

i didn’t make Players. but it was only because i have debate/forensics and i’ll miss a bunch of 7th hours and she listed that. she said that i had a great audition and she wishes she could take me. it really was good to hear. i didn’t really want players so bad. i mean. it would’ve been fun, but honestly i think Calc is a little more important than that class. so you know.. it’s not so bad that that’s how it worked out. and it gave me a little bit of confidence which is what i needed more than the stress of being in it. blah. so yeah. it was all okay
today i got sorta yelled at. laura, our ad manager, didn’t check our ads before they went to press so my page ended up with the wrong ads on it because nobody told me i had to change anything (i figured that since we have an ad manager and everything it should be up to her to do the ad managing. hm) so we’re out like 45 dollars or something because of the mistake. and i was really upset because its a terrible week and thus a good one for me to get upset about things. so i talked to neiman and she said that it was just a miscommunication and that i shouldn’t feel bad about it. which made me happy. because yeah. i’d be pissed if i got blamed for it.
i’m really random and quasi-witty today. gah. i don’t know what to say about anything. Gabe hit on me today, i think. it’s so hard to tell.. he puts me down all hour and then he’s like “I really wish we could just be alone sometime”.
i don’t know what to think about it… soijustwontthinkaboutitatall.