Author: Jess

i feel a little better today i think. i’m really not sure it kind of goes in cycles. i talked to L about it and we worked stuff out. i think. i feel really bad. but it really would hurt our friendship i can’t prtend that it wouldnt. because its really hard to look someone in the face and not think about it. and i had to leave school yesterday because i was so sick over it. it’s okay though. Lacey and i will make it through this and stuff.
i tried out for the school improv group today. whee. it’s fun stuff. i think i did pretty good. i think it will be a really fun class. Lacey and Kayla and all of those kids are in it and that’s great. i’m sure it’ll be wonderful. i just hope i get it. (luckily my mom, with her “oh jes.. you’ll be disappointed if you don’t make it” really provided me a lot of confidence. she’s so.. gah sometimes. hm.). so i hope i do well on that. and i hope everything goes well. i just need to live through tomorrow and then i’ll be fiiiiiine.
i’m also getting a new car this weekend. so they say. i’m going to go talk models. (go cavalier!)

i’m really out of it. i’m depressed and pmsing. and sad. and stuff. i’m just leaving up the new may blog.. no back linking till it gets easier. oh and i added new poetry. plus this new layout.
i can’t guarantee that anything will look that good around here or that i’ll feel like saying anything. i feel like shit today and i just want to clam up and hide in my bed. i don’t want to talk about any of it. nor do i want to do anything. i’m watching schindler’s list and my body feels drained. i started taking my meds again today i figure its healthy to take them. because they make me feel at least remotely better. and this “i want to kill myself a little more each second” feeling really needs to stop.
i just feel like such a pain in the ass, like everything would be easier for everyone if i wasn’t here. i feel fat and lonely and damn.
its like no one cares. but they do. its really just that i dont..

yeah i haven’t written in a week almost. because i don’t have a whole lot to say about anything. it seems like now that i can talk to madeline again she and i keep getting into little fight type things. i think we just miss each other a lot. that and i like clayton and i told her that i like him. because i can’t just pretend that i didn’t anymore. although i’m not sure that i do anymore. maybe it was just something i needed to get out of my system. it was beginning to become obvious. although yeah. still. i keep having dreams about him. last night, the night before. it’s weird and i don’t really know why he’s in my subcononcious.. i guess that’s why its a subconcious.

happy easter/420. I’m not really celebrating either. We had baskets and all and we’re eating later but no family or anything. on account of the rain. melh. oh well. it’s a fun time. and it’s better than what i was planning on getting afer thursday. mom decided to take easter away because of my being bi. gah.
i’ll update about last week. i cried and was sad a lot. on monday, i bought a track phone so that my parents won’t know that i have one. i barely got to talk to madsee at all last week. on thursday i asked for an open relationship because i was going crazy. then i realized what i was doing and changed my mind. yesterday she emailed me and said that she can’t be my anything if i want an open relationship. i feel like she lied to me because she said she wouldn’t matter. but regardless i love her to little bits and pieces and that comes before my ability to see other people. so i cancelled any openness of relationship.
friday/saturday was state history day. whee. i took 3rd which means no nationals. which fucking sucks. but it’s okay. i think i’m going to do it next year cuz i like things like that.. but still. i would have really really liked to get to go. i could always “remove” one of the first or second competitors so i can go. but honestly, i’m looking forward to never doing that piece again. i hated it. it was bad. and i should’ve worked harder if i REALLY wanted to go. i’m such a fucking slacker. it was just fun to get to hang out with cari.
mom saw my shrink on friday and yesterday said that i can talk to madeline again. i explained to her how lonely i feel and she said that she loves me and shouldn’t be taking away my freedoms the way she was. i said that if she loves me and doesn’t want to lose me she shouldn’t push me away. i didn’t mention that i know the reqs to be emancipated. because it would hurt her feelings if she knew i had looked into that.
last week was one of the shittiest weeks of my life. mrs. chamberlain helped talk me through some of it on tuesday and that was really good. she’s such a wonderful teacher/mentor and i’m so glad i have her as a teacher or just as a friend really.

i took fourth at the nfl quallifier. and i generally did better today than i did yesterday. so that’s pretty good. i got to talk to madeline and eat chinese.
i think i’m just going to sneak around to see her, keep myself busy with books and music, and pretend everythings alright until it dies down around here.
i’m not saying anything to mom anymore. if she can’t learn to be civil and quit giving me issues i’m just going to ignore her. and i told her that too. she just doesn’t even try to understand me.

mom found notes that madsee had sent me. she yelled at me for a long time. she used words like slut and faggot. dad is being slightly better about it than she is. although when they’re together it’s really bad. but when he’s apart he’s understanding. says that i can call her and stuff when they’re not home.
it doesn’t make it much better. i still feel trapped. without reason.
they don’t believe me that those cigarettes were mine. but it’s okay that jerrad smoked. because he’s jerrad and he just gets too. they’re such assholes sometimes. mom took my cellphone, tried to take my phone, tried to take my computer, tried to take my car. luckily, dad talked her out of most of them. and i don’t know about the cellphone. it just pissed me off because it’s my goddamn stuff. and i was sleeping when she decided to take all of it and she stormed in here, woke me up, and got me all upset again.
luckily, today is the second? two rounds of the nfl qualifier. FUCKERS! WAY TO THROW OFF MY HEAD GAME. i don’t know what i’m going to do. i’ll probably just fake my last two rounds and then sleep/cry in the cafeteria. at least amelia will be around. i’m glad she emailed me about having someone to talk to. because i need someone now.
i’m also banned from sarah. goddamn them.

today at school kayla saw me and started singing “L is for the way you look at me.. O..” and i joined in. it was a whole lot of fun. we danced around and sang and Mrs. Tipton joined. Yay.
I started that depakote so today i’m kinda bitchy and I keep overreacting. plus i have a pretty bad headache. slash a pretty bad head feeling. and i feel heavy. oh well. fuck.

i cried through the end of the lion king. but it’s such a good movie. even if it does make me cry. beauty in the beast is next. and i can’t find the little mermaid video. dammit. i’ll have to search for it later. it’s just out of its case. i hope i find it :-/.

blogging prior to doing homework today. i’m also having a disney-movie-marathon because i feel like it: the lion king, beauty and the beast, and the little mermaid. yea! i’m so excited about it.
last night i got to spend the night at madelines. i got there at like 5 or so and stayed there till 3:30 today. she’s so much fun. doug and meghan were over there for a while, and then they left and we went to get chinese. then, john and megan came over and they were there for a little while. after prom was over, greg, meghan, diana, doug, sarah and charlotte came over and then they all left to go to afterprom. apparently afterprom sucked so they came back over (less charlotte and sarah). they were all tractoralled up and so mads and i just sat there watching them twitch. doug was all excited because he could “feel the love” from us cuz we just kept cuddling (and hiding under blankets for payback.. hah). it was exciting-ness. doug’s such a cute guy. he’s just nice.
the times that “The kids” weren’t there.. madeline and i filled in the blanks with fun lesbian things 😉 hahaha. giggle.
oh god the beatles.. ie Paul on SNL. oooh-mah-mah.
back to my night. yeah mads and i hung out and made out and .. stuff .. it was a good time. lots of fun things. when the kids were there we were all cuddly under the covers and so we had to disappear to one of the other basement rooms for a while. haha. (and no one suspected a thing. yeah right.)
it was nice. we got to fall asleep all cuddly and wake up to each other. it was so much fun. and it worked out because we each just stole our own sections of the blankets. which is good. cuz that means that we were both comfortable. dance.
i start my depakote tonight. hopefully that goes well. i might get in on some WebMD action before I actually take it. just so i know what to expect.

it could be debated that sleep is necessary and therefore i should make a regular habit of doing it. especially if i really want to go out tomorrow night. especially if i want to go to madeline and spend the night on saturday. especially if i plan on doing well in ld tomorrow. although i’m sure ld won’t be a problem. afterall, you all know how i talk when i’m tired. let this be known as exhibit A. hah. plus i won’t really be tired until sometime tomorrow and there should be plenty of downtime in which to sleep at the tournament or something. i don’t know what there would ever be downtime at a tournament but you know, it happens. i’m writing cases on the way there. because i didn’t get them perfected before i got there. i will probably actually only run through what i plan on saying once or twice (be honest, once). and then i’ll just go in to rounds and see what happens. i’m sure it’ll be okay. and i’m not too obsessed with how i do this weekend. just going is a lot of money that we’ll have to raise so at least i can save myself the trouble. eh.
i talked to madeline on the phone for like 4 hours tonight. whee. like 3:40 to be exact. wow. it was fun though. we talked about a lot. of course she was asleep-ish the last hour or so. but still. it was nice. i was all mushy. grin. i like being mushy.. and having someone to be mushy with someone that doesn’t mind my mushiness.
yeah so i spent my whole night awake working on this layout. which i believe i began sometime around 6 this evening.. although i was working on it in my head for the past week at least. goodness. i still need to change the “what layout this is” business and all of that shit but still. i’m close and that’s what really matters. i’m also close to having earthfire done. i have the layout done now i just have to find some time to be online and figure out templates. because i don’t know what variables do what thing. i assume i’ll figure it out. and if not, oh well, we had a good run. or something.
when i was on the phone with madsee, mom picked up. at like 2 in the morning. which is kind of late to be on the phone. and i couldn’t just say “oh well i’m on because i took some medicine and now i can’t sleep so i’m forcing my late-night babble on madeline.” so instead we were both just perfectly quiet. and then she hung up so i told mads i had to go. and she got off the phone and mom came in my room and looked at me (good thing i have all my lights off and the only thing that’s on is the computer or else oh fuck, who knows. so i had the computer shut and i was emergency sleeping and doing a good job at it. so she comes in (i had left the phone off the hook so that it didn’t look like someone had heard her get on and then get off). so mom comes in, sees me asleep, hushes the dogs, and leaves. at this point the dogs throw a hissy fit and start jumping all over me so i get out of bed and put lucky in devon’s room so that i can put muffin and lucky outside. mom is like “hey.” and i said “they were jumping all over me. so i’m putting them out” and then she was like “have you checked the phone because i picked it up and there wasn’t a dialtone which means someone is on it. and i was like “maybe i left it off the hook. i’ll go check.” so i went back to my room and turned the phone off and then told her the story and so that was all. i put the dogs in again and smuggled my cellphone to my room and called madsee to tell her that there was no trouble that had been spotted. go me.
scott called tonight. well he called last night. and then i haven’t been home to return his call. so i got another message and i called him back. he’s persistant. so i called him and we talked for a while. he’s a wannabe emo kid. emo kids are nice. we might go hang out tomorrow. apparently he used to date sam. which is just funny. she and i hang out with the same type of people. she seems like a cool enough girl though.
i want to finish the greg palast book soon. i bought Dantes’ Inferno, Salinger’s Catcher in the Rye, and Knowles’ A Seperate Peace at the book store last night. (is it really last night yet? i think i should sleep if only to not have to worry about defining what time of day it was or where that time of day relates to this time of day. hm.) they’re such great books. i haven’t read Inferno yet but Catcher in the Rye and A Seperate Peace are two of my favorite books. I could read them one million times over. Maybe. by that time i could probably just be saying them outloud. it would be the same thing. they just say so much though. mm. and i heart gene, phineas, and holden. rock.