well i never thought that day would end. of course i got like 5 minutes of sleep last night and then i was just really fucking tired. so i took a shower and got quasi-alert. then we went to emporia for nfl ld quals.
hit zach, jin, peter, steven, steven, sarah. 4-2. if i would’ve picked up steven (take 2) or sarah, i would’ve gone to nationals. dammit. i’m not really upset. i mean it’s only my 3rd time out in LD ever. hehm. good times. i had fun anyway.
i’m blogging two days in a row. this hasn’t happened since march 22. and usually i’m a multiple entries a day kind of girl so i’m sure we’ll get back to that later. yeah. anyway. my day was pretty boring. we’re doing a contemporary poetry unit in english and it’s driving me insane. i’m so in love with that class. chamberlain is one of the best teachers i’ve ever had. not only do i learn a whole lot but she just gets me all excited about english and makes me really think about what i’m reading. i’m sure i’ll be a much better reader/writer when i’m out of her class. it’s great.
I really like most of my classes this year. math kind of sucks, but kim and lacey are in that class and so kim and i make fun of each other and the class. good times.
and then i hate chemistry with a passion but all the fun girls are in there and clayton is there so that makes it mostly better. plus it’s not like i really do anything. when sittenauer isn’t telling biased interpretations of history, that’s a good class too. and for the most part i just love history so its a good class.
and in french i’ve learned a lot of french but i’ve learned a lot about myself too. and steph and i have gotten to be really good friends because of that class. it’s nice to know that i have somewhere to go when i want to be verbally abused (in a loving way). mweh. i’m so sappy. i think i get too attached to people. they’re just all so beautiful though.
last night madeline and i had a long conversation about me and my self-injury. this is the part where i get squeamish and don’t say anything on the blog. anyway, i was able to admit to her a lot of things about myself. i’m trying to open up and talking about thinks that are substantial. i didn’t talk about gabe or colby or brian or any of those emotional scabs that i can point to when something is bleeding.. instead i actually thought about what i felt and told her. i’ve never actually opened up to anyone like that. or if i have, it’s been an insanely long time.
today i was reading about philosophers and their philosophies and i realized that i’m starting to define myself. i was telling madsee last night about how i like people and their stories.. i like to travel the world, and sometimes i like to be alone. i’m a million different people from one day to the next.. but i was thinking about it today and i realized that i like the state of nature. i understand the social contract but i don’t know that i’m willing to sign it. i’m kind of a rawlsian kind of girl.. and some locke too. but that rousseau. grr. hah. i mean i like distributive justice and i definitely agree that we have to look out for our worst and then i agree that the government should only have the power the people give it. I like Betham’s utilitarianism theory too. that the society do what gives the greater good and that a system is only justified if it benefits the bottom class. and i like the community standard provided by entiozi because it’s about how we are who we are because of the community. i think that i just feel that it’s all a combination of those things and that we have to define our philosophies. and i don’t know exactly what i believe these days. i don’t know where i fit in with god or the world, but i know that i’m excited about finding out. and that maybe i’ll stick around till i have an opinion on things other than war. because it shouldn’t take that long to figure out that war is bad, unless it benefits the most people.
i really like the confucious train of thought. i was reading about that and decided that i’m going to read more of his writings because I think I would learn a lot. and it seems to be things that i agree with by myself. most of my thoughts have been formed on my own.. i’m not a heretic by any means and so when i find something that is kind of the way that i think anyway, i’m more likely to accept it. so i’m going to at least read the philosophies of Confucious. he seems like he’s got it going on.
i think that was enough internal dialogue for one journal entry. and by god i write so much now. it’s like i keep pouring myself into notepad documents, watching the little bar at the bottom and thinking only in carriage returns, never in paragraphs. mm. code.
ah. yeah. so i haven’t blogged in a week and i really don’t know what to say to catch everyone up. i don’t really remember what all has happened. hm.
madeline and i worked everything out. although nothing was really at all wrong i don’t think. she just worries that i’m going to leave her. but i’m not going to. so she’s just going to have to learn to accept me sticking around 🙂 but i really think we’re fine. i mean. we’ve been together for a while now and it’s working out. she’s so.. mm. great!
i started attempting to install/figure out movable type last week. i’m starting a group blog at http://earthfire.windflame.net and i decided to use that program instead of greymatter or anything else. it’s kind of a bitch to get the hang of though. although i like it a lot better than i did greymatter.. it’s just taking forever to get familiar with. hm. it’s like that period in a relationship where you’re first getting intimate and it’s like you have fun learning about how the other persons body works but you really wish that you could just BE there with out all of the guess and checking. anyway, i have it all installed and everyone has user accounts but i can’t get the templates done. and that’s what i’m working on right now.
friday/saturday was the tournament at seaman. on friday clay came up to me and excitedly said “guess who likes you? you’d never guess!” and i was like “Uh. erh. uh.” cuz i’m friends with mostly emporia girls and it’s just all i don’t know. so yeah. he was like “A.!” only he didn’t abbreviate it. so yeah. that was interesting. because he’s right i never would’ve expected it. and i just thought i’d record it because no acting on anything will be done because i’m happy with madeline and not interested in pursuing other realtionships. i just see no reason to. anyway. sarah and i were on speedforlittlekids and so student congress wasn’t that bad. all 6 fucking hours of it. we had a lot of fun. in that geeky sort of way. everything that could’ve gone wrong in ld went wrong but we covered our asses well and no one really knew. except for the people that saw me mid-panic-attack. mwah-haha. it was terrible. but then all was done and i got to go home.
tutu brought down my birthday present at the tournament (just drove here from man-happenin’) and so he and i hung out and he time kept at the tournament and then he came to my house with me and we debated genetic engineering on the couch. only debators. my god. we’re so entertaining. anyway, it got late and mom said that he could stay so he slept on my couch and i woke him up at 5 oclock in the morning so that he could return to manhattan and get to work on time. he made it home okay. which is good. because i was worried. i always think that people are going to get in car wrecks. maybe i have seperation anxiety. which doesn’t make much sense. because i’ve never had problems with cars and separation. it’s probably all natural.
saturday went well. except that pam yelled at everyone. including me. so i’m mad at her. and therefore going to kick the asses of the t-high lders at the ld tournament this friday. haha. she yelled at the wrong lincoln douglas debator! i’m also going to win ix. because i decided.
my birthday was march 31 and on sunday i went out to lawrence with madeline and steph. we went to flush, atc, sugartown, and love garden, plus some other random places for food or clothes-looking. it was a lot of fun. i got a corduroy skirt/pi from madeline for my birthday and stephanie got me a bunch of underwear and a gift certificate to pts. yay! i had a great time hanging out with the girls and all that and the food was good. plus, madsee and i got to hold hands during lunch.. even though mom was there. because mom sat at a different table. but it was nice cuz i would’ve hated the “longing glances” usually associated with she and i being around mom. aagh.
on my ACTUAL birthday, monday, sarah and i hung out after school the whole night. we went out to burger king to get food and then we couldn’t take the music there anymore so we went to best buy to play. and we made fun of all of their movies and dvds and we did yoga in the aisles (that is i did) and then we made up a dance “the sloan” in the cd section and then we went and performed it. when we were done, tyler called and so we did a drug deal in the parking lot. whee. except it wasn’t really. but it was. after that we went to a fat wreck cords concert at washburn and watched the bands play. the flipsides were pretty good and the real mckenzies rocked.. but i liked rise against the best. call me a fucking emo kid 🙂 they’re all political and sorta emo-core-ish. rock on! i got their t-shirt and their album and then we went to silver lake to see madeline. seeing her two days in a row is nice.
i think i’m a lot happier when i hang out with sarah a lot. she’s such a wonderful girl and she’s the greatest friend. i hope she’s always around because i wouldn’t know what to do without her.
Well, I had a mental breakdown today in class- but that’s okay because I’m all better now and stuff. I think (heh heh) I felt kind of dreary and shit during 5th hour so I went to mr. ransones office and we talked all through that hour then I went to 7th hour and just started bawling… so i went back to his office. oh well… the whole time i was there i was thinking “I just wish I could pull Sarah out of band to talk to me… I really need to talk to her cuz she IS MY BEST FRIEND! And she’ll be there for me.” Gosh, it’s nice to have a best friend thats a girl.
Let’s see… anyways my breakdown was NO fun AT all but I’m better now, of course, I still wonder why I cry. And it really freaked me out because… okay yesterday in english (7th hour) I got really bored, so i like… scratched my arm until it burned, and then I stopped and it was kinda swollen and it was cool and gross lookin this morning but it was just something i did and then today i was walking to mr. ransones office from class and i just started scratching my hand…
I don’t know how the pain of having your hand burn/bleed works but it does… it just kind of calms me and I know its bad and stuff, but i’m not doing anything to terribly serious and i would never do drugs and by now all you peeps should know my theories on alcohol…
But I really thought that this was something experimental but when i was scratching below my ring finger today, my head was totally cleared and i didn’t hafta focus on the other things… I suppose I need to go now…
THREE YEARS AGO
::PHONE RINGS::
“Hey…Jacob…”
“Hold on a second, let me go get him…”
“Okay, sure. Thanks.”
“Hello?”
“Hey…Jacob… this is Jessica…”
“Jessica who?”
“From Emily’s party and your church that day…”
“Oh, yeah…”
“Um… well, school just got out for spring break and stuff but ya know, I got really bored and Sarah’s away on vacation so I can’t call her and I was just thinking about what you said…”
“What did I say?”
“the thing about you never having a good…..”
“Oh that…”
“well…. wanna come over?”
“sure” — dream incident that i’ve never reported on before, strange shit
***
“I’ll do you a favor if you do me a favor…” — real life incident on the bus
Hmm, well now… wasn’t that interesting! I’m so bored out of my mind right now… I had to make these dumb little “Pots de Creme au Chocolat” for French class tomorrow (DAMN MARDI GRAS!) And they turned out really good (heh heh) so i hate a lot of the dough crap. yummy yummy but now i Have a tummy ache.I talked to JOshua on the phone tonight. He’s very cool, and I love the way him and Kim are. They are so… there and together and shit. Although, he says that they go in these little cycles. They’ll be all mushy mushy for a while, then they get sick of each other and barely talk, then they miss each other and get back together. He says that someday she’ll be like “lets get married” and he’ll just be like “Sure” and that’ll be it. I remember back when i used to have that kind of assurance. Now I have barely any assurance in anything. I’m completely unsure of my sanity cuz i lose my grip on it every coupla days, and my grip on relationships (romantically and otherwise) I always feel is slipping away but then i think that it’s just my imagination.It prolly is. I dunno though, i feel like most of what I tell my mom is a lie, and some of it is but I do tell her the really important stuff. She always used to tell me as a child that I could tell her anything and she’d understand but somewhere in my translation of that i took that to mean REALLY BIG THINGS and I now neglect to mention that tiny things that tend to be oh so important
I think part of my gums fell of. Heh heh, it hurt really bad when it happened… maybe i’ll call the Bubblicious company and complain no, don’t feel like it. Grr… Wrestling is pissing me off!
Now– my gum is really hurting, mostly because of this lack of skin on it. Not to mention…. Jessica can’t seem to make the pain stop because her damn tongue won’t stay out of the skinless place in her mouth… rarr… it burns really really bad
Oh well 😛 I hafta go now, ciaoz baberz…much love to you..
It’s really really nice to have people there that care about you. It just sucks when they are boys and mostly they are only boys. Outside of my CLOSEST girl friends (less than 5) there really aren’t that many girls just all out THERE for me. Plus, this week Sarah got mad at me because I was talking to TannerBoys are so incredibly complicating- I swear, i can’t stand them!!! Grr! Oh well, I suppose I’ll be okay, maybe. heh heh. I had another STRANGE dream last night but I don’t particularly remember much of it.I keep thinking about what Gabe and what he said to me yesterday. We had so much time that we spent together and we were such an important part of each others lives. ya know? I still cry over the song Crazy and it sure the hell doesn’t feel like I”m gettin’ over him- but I do think that he’s grown a lot as a person. I think we both have. But I know I flirt with him sometimes at school and I don’t know how to tell him what I’m thinkingProlly because I don’t know how to tell myself what I’m thinking. I wish I could explain to him but usually I just hear a song and am like “OH MY GOSH! THAT”S EXACTLY WHAT I’M THINKING!” but he doesn’t relate to that. Grr! BOYS! They create so many problemsI’m so happy with Colby that going back to Gabe isn’t even an option at all, but I miss him so much. Just the way he was when he was good and everything.. but even if we did get back together Allison would get really upset and stuff and/or his family wouldn’t approve of it at all. So, I’ll just be here without him and having him hate me for still crying even though he thinks I don’t like him anymore. The truth is… I like to many guys and it isn’t that I prefer gabe over colbyThe thing is- I hafa see gabe EVERY SINGLE DAY for 7+ hours at school and I only see Colby about 1 (passionate and wonderful) hour a day. It’s just hard to focus on the good when the obvious is right in front of your face.I wrote a song during church today.
Rock star collars…
and
Platform shoes.
Oh dear… last night I had some FUCKED UP dreams. Okay.. in the first one… Colby and I were walking along somewhere and he decided that he wanted to go for the whole PDA thing, so him and me went into this glass ATM booth- much like the one in Lawrence only bigger- and he started to take off his pants and stuff and then he wanted me to give him head but I was like “I am NOT doing that! Not here!” And so he was like “okay” and we started to makeout and stuff and then I started to kind of give him a handjob or whatever and this security guard walked by and we got in a bunch of trouble- luckily he let us off with just giving a warning to Colbster and paid no attention to me.
So then… I go walking back to the place that I was staying and all of the women in my family are sitting around a poker table talkin’ and eating. So I join them and I tell them the Brian getting trashed story and then they all laugh and my mom makes up some shit about “well, isn’t that great to hear coming from my child” which is how I know it’s a dream because in real life she wouldn’t even know about my hatred towards liquid poison. Anyways… Everyone starts to leave and so I’m just hanging around and there are a bunch of boys and girls I know and it’s kind of like a boarding house type place-
The type of place a scary movie takes place in.
So then Gabe is there, and him and me start talking and stuff and we’re just hangin out and stuff and he started to make a pass at me. Like, he kept saying “You and me should go upstairs and hang out” and then he was all winking and shit and if you know gabe you know what that means although—
THE CHILD CAN’T WINK @ ALL! seriously… he doesn’t understand the concept or something but no one has the heart to tell him.
Okay so he’s winking and stuff then he asks Mr. Bushnell (the sponsor there for some reason) if he can sleep upstairs and I’m supposed to do the same, only… the whole time he’s talking to Mr.B I’m standing there like… “No No No I do not want to go up there with you! I don’t want to do this! I”m not gonna ask.” But Gabriel just pretends not to hear me. So it isn’t looking like he’s gonna get permission so I go downstairs and I”m talking to Ann and Sara M. (the ex-girls of Gabe) and they take a shower in the closet (it was s dream… dont’ ask) and so then I go back upstairs and gabe starts bugging me about going all the way upstairs with him, but even though I’m mad at Colby in the dream… I don’t want too.
It’s just not worth it at all, ya know… fucking things up with everyone like that doesn’t seem like my idea of fun- not to mention I’d already been caught screwing around once and I didn’t want that to happen again.
G2G
