Author: Jess

My problem with that song has officially moved into a class A obsession. Someone call the FBI because I can’t stop listening to my favorite song, it’s all I do– and I”m not lying. Honestly between worrying and cussing out baseball I do nothing but listen to the song “Unemployed Boyfriend” by Everclear. So many times I totally wish that a guy would just come up to me and say that and not be lying but the truth is– every guy you could ever meet has some flaw somewhere.

No matter how any man seems, he always has that one thing that makes you just want to kill him, and it’ll start out being the cute things that you love about him turning into the retarded things you hate about him, and the things you like so much become the things you despise. It’s like… I dunno… I’ve kind of sunk back into my confusion, but only slightly.

It’s as though I won’t allow myself to admit what I want, and I won’t let myself see the good and the bad in everyone. Ya know, because Gabe has ZERO appreciation for music, but can express himself when he is upset. Colby has this great music thing going on and can express himself through songs but sometimes it’s what you say out of rhyme that really matters. Then there’s Brian, whom I do not know well enough to judge one way or the other, yet from the day we met we’ve always agreed on stuff and I would hate to mess that up. I really really care about him because he’s an awesome person.

From what I hear, he really likes me a whole whole lot and stuff- I heard this from Billy which is another story- and anyways, so he likes me a whole lot and I used to like him but there is no way that things would ever even kind of work between us until we can both drive. Other than that though, we seemed for awhile like we were leading parallel lives but in the reality of everything- he knows billy, which is extremely upsetting because he loses his confedentiality clause and all of that stuff because he has a connection. And I can NOT believe that Billy said I should go out with Brian, i mean— he KNOWS that I’m going out with Colby! And I am sincerely happy being with Colby.

Sometimes though- and no body take this the wrong way- I kind of feel like me and Colby are starting to fall into the trap that him and Michelle and Me and Gabe were in- ya know? It’s like totally just a sexual thing and we don’t even hear each other when we talk anymore. I dunno, maybe it’s all me because I don’t know if this is what he’s feeling at all, but I wish there was just some way to get this crap overwith- because back before it started to get all sexual, man, it was awesome! I was basically the happiest I have been in a while.

Ya know what I hate about guys??? They are only truly expressive when you hurt them. The only time they are REALLY TRULY HONESTLY who they are inside is when they have tears rolling down their faces and I don’t like to make them be like that but it’s like… after you hurt them… after they are gone… after you can’t see them again… suddenly they are willing to open up. People keep so much shit from each other in relationships because the other member of the relationship always gets all freaked out when the other person says the whole “We need to talk” thing.

I read the 4 entries in Colby’s on-line diary today that were about Michelle and he wrote a letter in there to her that was actually just a note that he had actually given her, but he was so incredible expressive and I wish that we just had times like that again where we totally opened up to each other and it wasn’t this sexually exasterbated relationship that no one really needs. People say that sex is all good and stuff but the actuallity of it is — it ruins stuff. I feel like it’s really messing up a good thing. But I don’t know what to do about it.

I know why people end their lives. It is not because they see no way out, it’s because they have a release that they can’t express. The things they’ve been told to do all of their lives are no longer of worth to anyone. i.e. my writing and my reading are a total release to me, beyond anything else at all, and now mom is mad at me because I don’t wanna swim at seaman! I AM NOT FUCKING ATHLETIC! GET OVER IT! I hate the way she gets like this. Suddenly I”m not worthy because I don’t swim, ya know what- the bitch needs to accept me for who I am and not just decide who I am supposed to be for me- because that is not how it’s going to work here. GOlly- I’m quitting Wednesdays… the day I wake up on another Wednesday is the day I get hit by airplane and win the lottery (not necessarily in that order). heh heh… Well, I need to get away from this CPU right now… I’m gonna play with some javascript crap. You’ll see later. Ciao babers

I love you, do you love me? I love you and not in a friendly way, although I think we’re great friends. And not in a misplaced attraction puppy dog way although I’m sure that’s what you call it. I love you, very simply, very truly. You’re the epitome of everything I’ve ever looked for in another human being and I know you think of me as just a friend and crossing that line is the furthest thing from an option you’d ever consider. But I had to say it, I just can’t take this anymore, I can’t stand next to you without wanting to hold you, I can’t look into your eyes without feeling that longing you only read about in trashy romance novels, I can’t talk to you without wanting to express my love for everything you are. And I know this will probably like queer our friendship, but I had to say it cause I’ve never felt this way before and I don’t care, I like who I am because of it. And if bringing this out tonight means that we can’t hang out anymore then that hurts me but God I couldn’t allow another day without getting it out there regardless of the outcome, which by the look on your face, is to be the inevitable shoot down and you know I’ll accept that but I know, I know that some part of you is hesitating for a moment and if there is a moment of hesitation then that means you feel something too and all I ask is that you please not dismiss that and try to dwell on it for just 10 seconds. There isn’t another soul on this whole planet who has made me half of the person I am when I’m with you. And I’d risk this friendship for a chance to take it to the next plateau because it’s there between you and me you can’t deny that. Even if we never talk again after tonight please know that I am forever changed because of who you are and what you’ve meant to me. — Quote from Chasing Amy

::girl sees machine, rolls eyes, nods, plays with buttons:: Well, I spent an accumulation of about 15 minutes waiting for dad to get here so that I could see my new car for the first time and then he shows up and I was like “eh, its…nice” but then I got inside and there are all of these neato buttons and crap and so i played with all of them for a while.
Anyways, I was semi-upset at first because I was like “Oh dear…there’s only 5 presets for the radio station.” but then I remembered I DON”T HAFTA PROGRAM IN 97.3 THIS IS MY CAR DAMMIT!! Woo-hoo! So that out of the way, I’m trying to decide which stations are gonna be programmed in… cuz TECHNIALLY i only like one. but i need to scour the house for my car adapter so that i can get my cd player all jimmied up in there. Heh heh…jimmied was a vocabulary word a couple weeks ago. I was like HELLO! LIKE WE DON”T KNOW THIS WORD! but oh well, you can’t blame mr.calderwood for teaching a boring subject.
Mr. Riley used to teach English…I bet he was a GRRREAT teacher and all the girls in his class wanted to fuck him…i mean…they wanted to take his class again so they could learn more
Heh heh
Acutally, I don’t want to do THAT with Mr.Riley, i did that in a dream once and Dream Colby is a LOT better than Dream Riley because I had to instruct Dream Riley what to do and it pissed me off. Oh well, I have WeIrD dreams! heh heh. Well time for me to go sit in my car and play with the buttons again. Ciao people

They have WAY to many strange holidays. Did you realize that today is “Kinky Exploration Day”? Honestly, and I don’t even get to go to that concert tomorrow to celebrate!!! Darn!
I was talking to my mom today about why I can’t go to the concert and she was like “where is it?”
I just kind of got this look on my face and mumbled “Horton…”
She was like “NO! You are not going there! There are all of those drunk people from the Casino!”
I was like “Colby’s grandparents live a block away from the place the show is at! Why can’t you let me go!” She wouldn’t let me at all and so then I was like “Well, what about the next show!”
she said that we can cross that bridge when we come to it’
so I told her that “you should let me go now so that I get way into the local music scene here in topeka and I won’t go very far away to college. Ya know, it’s either concerts in Kansas now, or Concerts in Anaheim in 4 years, and you think they they drink at concerts here–which i might add they don’t–you should wait till I get to Cali. And talking about “it’s in a bad part of town!!! Los Angeles is a bad part of the world!”
She told me that we were done discussing it and that we would talk more about it later, of course I didn’t drop it right away and she started going off about “how much it hurt me to not be able to go into the doctor’s office with you today”
::rolls eyes::
SHE IS SUFFERING FROM SEPARATION ANXIETY because I went into the check-up room alone! GOSH! I think I’m just gonna let Colby do what he wants to which is Pick me up and take me… hell… they’ll know where I am heh heh I mean, honestly, it’s not something I would prolly do, but i could. I sincerely thought about doing that during the battle of the bands but I dunno if i could do that to them….hmm…well i should be going on account of Colby’s online and i really wanna talk to him.

If you know where to stand then you’ll know where to land… said Mable to the forest creatures. And finally I feel like I’ve found a foothold on the tree of life and I’m gonna do everything in my power to keep myself the way I am. There isn’t a damn thing that I’m gonna let push me over the edge. I just hope I stay like this because I don’t wanna be the way I’ve been the last couple of days.
Tonight I went to the Freshman boys basketball game and we lost in a heartbreaker, and if I liked basketball I may actually care, but since I don’t I’m just semi-upset because of the romance of it all. That’s my phrase… “the romance of it all.” Oh well though
Anyways, Gabe and I had a chance to talk at the game and it was nice just to kind of be friends again, gosh I forget how cool he could be when he really was there for me sometimes. I make him out to be the big bad wolf all the time, and I mean, sure, he was never prince charming, but he wasn’t the troll under the bridge either…he was taller than that (lol).
No, I’m kidding. He’s a good kid, just immature. Which brings us back to WHY I LOVE COLBY!!! He’s so incredibly mature and wonderful and romantic and everything. Aww… here I go bragging about my WONDERFUL boyfriend!!! I love him so much! gotta go

As tradition says on Valentine’s Day boys give there sweethearts a dozen roses, but yesterday guess what Colby gave me? A DOZEN COKES!
He’s so sweet! Gosh, I love that boy to death.
Yesterday Gabe and I sort of worked things out but then I think we messed things up today because I said some shit about him and Nicole not going out and I guess he took it the wrong way, but I also kinda sorta think that i meant it the wrong way. Oh well, I’ll send him a letter or e-mail or something, I don’t really know for sure but I want things to be “good” again, but thinking about it- I wonder if they ever really were good. Because, there was so much crap that happened that was not good, but I don’t really know about much of it is in my head ya know? Oh well, I’m gonna go for now cuz I’m bored with this shit.

SO LIFE IS GOOD FOR ABOUT FIVE FUCKING MINTUES AND THE NEXT THING YA KNOW… DEATH IS UPON US… LOOMING… LURKING… SMIRKING AT YOU… IT LEAVE YOU INCOMPASSITATED TO DEAL WITH LIVING… FUCK THIS PLACE OKAY? I’VE ALREADY DISCUSSED MY HATRED IN THE WORLD OKAY.. THERE IS NOTHING MORE I CAN DO! i HAVE ALL OF THIS ANGER ANGER ANGER ANGER.. WHERE IS TRENT REZNOR WHEN YOU NEED A RELEASE??? WHY CAN’T JOSH GET ONLINE AND WIRE OVER A RAZOR? WHAT PART OF YOUR BRAIN CONTROLS THE FEELINGS THAT MAKE YOU ACT LIKE THIS. I THINK I’M GOING TO BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF GABE AT SCHOOL TOMORROW BECAUSE THE TRUTH IS… HE’S A SHY LITTLE ASSHOLE THAT MAKES GIRLS CRY OKAY. AND YA WANNA KNOW SOMETHING ELSE??? OKAY FINE WHAT THE FUCK SO I CAN’T SAY IT… DAMMIT I WANT TO I WANT TO I WANT TO I WANT TO HURT HIM LIKE HE’S HURTING ME RIGHT NOW. i AM NEVER EVER NEVER EVER NEVER EVER MAKING ANOTHER PROMISE LIKE THAT AGAIN!!!! NEVER SO I HOPE YOU PEOPLE WILL GET IT THROUGH YOUR HEADS THAT I’M JUST GONNA DO WHAT I CAN AND I AM not IN THE MOOD TO DEAL WITH ANYTHING RIGHT NOW. HMM… I’LL HAFTA USE THAT TOMORROW AGAINST THE POOR BOY. BECAUSE YOU KNOW WHAT HE SAID???? HE TOLD ME HE LOVED ME! dAMMIT! HE LOVED ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME! WHY CAN’T HE LOVE ME AGAIN! i WANT HIM BACK I WANT HIM BACK I WANT HIM BACK I WANT HIM BACK I WANT HIM BACK I WANT HIM BACK I NEED HIM AND I DON’T CARE IF HE WAS CONTROLLING I NEED TO BE CONTROLLED BY HIM I NEED HIM TO PUSH ME AROUND BECAUSE I CAN’T JUST LIE THERE AND BREATH ONE MY OWN SOMEONE HAS TO BE MAKING ME PRETEND THAT I AM. I FELT LIKE HE WOULD ACTUALLY BE THERE FOR ME… AND HE THOUGHT I ACTUALLY WASN’T LAUGHING FUCK PERIODS. i AM GOING TO DO AN EMERGENY SURGERY ON MYSELF— I’M REMOVING MY FEMALE PARTS BECAUSE I WANT THE WORLD TO THINK I’M EMPTY JUST LIKE I FEEL AND I HOPE THEY ALL READ THIS AND I HOPE… FUCK WEARING PAJAMAS TOMORROW I’M DRESING IN ALL BLACK AND I’M WEARING RED EYESHADOW ALL OVER MY FACE TO MAKE IT LOOK LIKE MY EYES ARE BLEEDING… GOOD… I HOPE IT LOOKS LIKE THAT!!! I’M SO ANGRY AND PISSED OFF AT THE WORLD. THE ONLY THING I FIND SOLACE IN IS FORBIDDEN. AND MY LIFE IS LIKE A FUCKING EPISODE OF DAWSON’S CREEK!!! OKAY WELL IF IT IS… WHEN DO I GET TO GO BUILD A BOAT AND SELL OFF INTO THE SUMMER ON IT? WHAT IN THE HELL AM I GOING TO DO THIS SUMMER? I BELIEVE THIS SUMMER IF LAST EVEN THAT LONG WILL BE NOTHING AT ALL JUST ANOTHER TIME OF NOTHINGNESS BECAUSE I CAN’T GRADE MYESLF WHEN THERE ARE NO GRADES COMING IN! PARANOIA PARANOIA EVERYBODY’S COMING TO GET ME… BUT I DON’T CARE CUZ THE VOICES SAY THAT IT DOESN’T MATTER…. DO I MAKE MYSELF A VICTIM AND IF I DO THEN WHY? WHY DID SHE SAY THAT BECAUSE SHE’S THE ONE THAT IS A BITCH AND I HOPE THEY ENJOY FUCKING UP MY LIFE… WOO HOO… WOO HOO… GOT MY HEAD CHECKED… HEH HEH… SCARED THE DOCTOR… I WANNA BE SEDATED… BUT THEY KEEP TRYING TO USE THAT DAMN PROZAC AND IT DOES NOT FUCKING HELP A GOD DAMN THING. I NEED SOME SERIOUS NINAGE RIGHT NOW AND I WANT TO GO AND JUMP UP AND DOWN AND UP AND DOWN AND UP AND DOWN AND UP AND DOWN …. NO ONE SHOULD HAFTA READ THIS… BUT I HOPE THEY DO I HOPE THEY ALL DO.. THIS IS LIKE THAT MOVIE “bOYS DON’T CRY” CUZ THE TRUTH!!!!!!! is!!!!! BOYS DO CRY AND THEY SHOULD CRY AND ONLY GUYS THAT DO CRY AND DO NOT MAKE ME CRY ARE WORTH MY TIME AND GABE MADE ME CRY SO MUCH!?!?!?!?!? WHY DOES MY BODY STILL THINK HE’S MINE??? I DON’T WANT HIM AT ALL I JUST… GRR… RARRR..GRR…RARRR WELL I’M GOING TO GO NOW BECAUSE I DON’T WANT TO GET SOMEONE ALL PISSY AND FUCKED OFF ABOUT ME TRUTH BEING TOLD… I DON’T CARE WHAT ANYONE CARES ABOUT. GRR… BYE
JESS— BYE THE WAY…. YOU HAFTA USE THE FUCKING BACK BUTTONS ON YOUR BROWSER BECAUSE I REFUSE!!!!!!! TO GIVE YOU PEOPLE A LINK BACK.. YOU’LL GET ONE EVENTUALLY WHEN I GET THROUGH MY THING… I THINK I’LL RIGHT A LETTER TO SOMEONE RIGHT NOW. HOPEFULLY NOT ALEXIS. ALEXIS IS A WHORE. SHE IS! AND DON’T THINK THAT I’M LYING AND BEING MEAN ABOUT IT… SHE JUST LET ME RIGHT SUICIDE NOTES TO HER AND SHE NEVER TOLD ANYONE… NOPE… NEVER… SHE SHOULD’VE I MEAN… GOSH IF SHE WOULD’VE I WOULDN’T HAVE GONE THROUGH ALL OF THIS CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP… I NEED TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO DRESS LIKE DEATH. I WISH I REALLY KNEW SOMEONE KNEW ALEXIS. IF I DID (OR ACTUALLY I THINK THAT MAYBE I DO) I’M GONNA BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THEM JUST FOR RUINING ME LIFE. PARTY IN A PIGEON HOLE.
ALL YOU PSYCHOTIC ANALYSIS PEOPLE… I HOPE THAT YOU READ THIS AND THEN MAYBE **CROSSES FINGERS** MAYBE YOU’LL FINALLY UNDERSTAND THAT MUSIC DOESN’T MAKE PSYCHOTIC KILLERS IT HEALS THEM BECAUSE I DO SOLEMNLY BELIEVE THAT WITHOUT MUSIC I’D PROBABLY KILL MYSELF… AND I’VE MOVED ON FROM THE DAMN PILL THEORY NOW! YAY! ADVANCING TO BIGGER BETTER THINGS… BECAUSE FOR THAT TO WORK I’D HAFTA TAKE ALCOHOL AND ALCOHOL IS EVIL. HEH HEH LIKE I CARE NOW? i HAVE TO GO GOOD BYE

Well just when the world starts looking down– it spins on it’s axis and suddenly you’re facing the sun again. Nicole and Allison and I are friends again! Woo-hoo! For the first time in a week, I have been able to be around them without this strang tension. GOD I WELCOME IT! Finally my world has returned to Happiesville!

Of course, I have this underlying fear that the world is gonna spin around again and I won’t be able to see light again for a week. My life is so full of ups and downs that you might think that I come to expect them. But I don’t! I just want things to be okay again.

Also, I got a new magazine today! AND GUESS WHO IS ON THE COVER?!?!?! Gwen Stefani! yea! Hence the Gwenabe title of this entry. Becuase it’s a cool name. Woo-hoo! Golly I’m hyper. Oh yeah, that’s right…my 3rd piece of GOOD news NEWS news! They invented a new type of Pad! Guess what it’s for?!?!?! THONGS!!! Woo-hoo! I CAN WEAR THONGS DURING MY PERIOD AGAIN!.. sweet splendid heaven.

I would now like to send my deepest apologies to any males reading this entry.

Okay, grr…i’m having a GREAT day! Except that I have math and I’m putting it off… but that’s okay. I’ll get it done… MAYBE 🙂 Hmm… I need to do something that’s a fun time right now. Let me think let me think let me think. I wanna call COLBY because I love him.

IT’S GREAT TO BE YOUNG AND A YANKEE!
Joe DiMaggio

Well I am sort of out of things to say right now. I’ll add some crap some time later. Maybe 🙂 Loves and kisses

Yes, it’s a sleepless night to be followed by a dayless sleep. The cycle repeats itself. But this time I didn’t even have an excuse for not being tired… i did not eat all the coffee icecream like last time. Who know what it is?

Maybe it’s what Brian said. We were talking about the time I almost killed myself and he said “Don’t ever think like that again…if not to keep from killing yourself then because if you were gone a part of me would die.” Isn’t that so cool?

The time I was gonna kill myself was a bad experience. Of course, how could it not be? I had been home alone all day the time that my dad was in the hospital and I was SO depressed. I just couldn’t kick it and this was before the Prozac…even though that shit doesn’t work at all. I think I’d do better on a sugar pill. Got an appointment with my physician this week though so we’ll see how things go.

anyways…i got out my motrin and counted them…then I set a time and i don’t remember when it was it was after 5 sometime and I said that if my mom didn’t call back and say that Gabe could come over by that time i would kill myself… actually I wasn’t going to kill myself… just attempt to. As i was saying… It was getting very close to that time and I started to pace around the dining room debating on whether or not to get to the liquor cabinet so i could be “ready”. Finally, the phone rang. and gabe could come over.
So then I decided that if he didn’t get there by 6:15 I would kill myself. and i wanted him and his mom to find me. It couldn’t be my mom it had to be him and his… so I decided how I would do that if it got to be 6:15. My mind was torn between collapsing into the street or just lying there in the yard. Cuz i wanted the road just for affect but then…what if they couldn’t stop in time and I actually died?!?!?!? So it got to 6:12 and they pulled in. THREE MINUTES BEFORE!!!!!
SO i didn’t kill myself. And that’s a GOOD THING!!! But see the thing was that i really didn’t want to die. i just wanted to see what the affect of my death would be. Because I didn’t think anyone would really care. I’d be like that “quiet girl that carries the packages.” in WHAT WOMEN WANT (—gay ass movie! DOn’t see it!) ya know. I wanted to know if anyone would care at all. Now i know people would because Sarah and Ali and them watch out for me. I don’t know how much Gabe would’ve cared though

I think that me wanting to do that where he would find me is sort of symbolic because I really felt neglected by him. and i was mad at his mom because she wasn’t going to let him come over and she didn’t understand how much I needed him there at the time. I had kept myself alive all day merely over the thought of getting to see him that night, and then…when I thought I wasn’t going to get to my brain went haywire… it was this uncontrolled thing i started sobbing hysterically and I couldn’t function because I needed someone there…anyone there.

And THAT is a horrible state of mind to be in. I don’t think many people really truly understand how it feels. It’s kind of like the feeling I get when my brother tries to get my parents to take the computer out of my room or when they get mad and want to take the internet away. It’s like I hafta find something that makes me happy and being online where I can talk to all of my friends calms me. i hate it when they try to take this away from me. It’s like they are putting the gun in my mouth because this is my life-source when Colby, Brian, and Josh are gone.

I don’t know why Josh and I have gotten so close all of a sudden. I guess we just kind of started talking and like we’re very alike… the only difference is he is the way he is and is shunned for it and I am the way he is and no one knows because I hide sort of because I don’t think I hide, I just don’t know who I am. but like I said in the song I wrote today “when you knock i’ll open the door because you’re teaching me what that damn handle is for”<-that’s about COLBY by the way… the lyric is kind of summing up the way slowly, my REAL friends are showing me who I am. It’s really cool of them. Well, I”m gonna go attempt to sleep now. Loves and kisses