While we're on the subject, could we change the subject now?

Jess on August 16, 2007

I suspect that this entry will be pretty long with a wide range of emotions in it and that by the end of it i’ll have lost most of my readers, left some with that sense of “hm. i knew it.” satisfaction, and leave still others with a much better portrait of me. I’m choosing not to make this entry private for several reasons, the first being that I don’t really like having my life private. And I don’t want to feel like I’m hiding anything that’s going on or any feelings that I’ve had. But sometimes I feel like my journal is the only way that I really communicate things with people, especially with myself. Almost inevitably it will eventually be private but you can enjoy it while it lasts. So here goes.

I was knocking on your ear’s door but you were always out/Looking towards the future/We were begging for the past/Well we knew we had the good things/But those never seemed to last/Oh please just last*

Kyle left for Carbondale this morning. I was doing so fucking well about it too until I was randomly scrolling through pictures of Girl A on the internet because I was looking at her facebook for some bizarre reason probably because she was listed on you-know-whos mutual friends with me and I got interested. I found a comment from him from like a year and a half ago and now I’m in a fit. Not really. I’m just very reflective about the past six months of his/mine/our life.

We had one of our wonderful long emotional talks last night, which feel just like reading his blog used to but are now even more special because he only shares those thoughts and feelings with me. In it, we talked a lot about first love and why things were important to happen the way they did and why it’s important that we were specifically with who we were with. I think this all arose when I rekindled a conversation about how his parents like me. Cos he was telling me earlier yesterday that his dad was joking about how he’s probably settling for me because I’m not a dumb bitch which is basically his type. It was a great conversation and it made me feel really special because it’s so nice to know that your boyfriend’s parents really like you. And it’s great to feel like I’m part of his family which I do. They’re inviting me to Albuquerque for Thanksgiving at Matthew’s even. So he told me about Briana and things he learned from dating her and those sorts of things. We talked about how their relationship ended and how he looked at love after it was all over for the first time. My view of love has underwent some serious changes in my history of dating. This obviously causes me to review every time I thought I never loved someone just because they broke my heart. Realistically, I probably just never loved them. Love was too complex, too emotional, too messy and too gigantic for me to even understand. I think for some of them, like Colby, I love them in a way now that’s purely platonic and they will always have some piece of my heart for obvious reasons… but I don’t really believe, having experienced that which is without-question-called love, that what we felt for each other was love. I was thinking some about Madeline too. I couldn’t really explain what we meant by it when i was trying to last night.. but I know that what we felt for each other was absolutely love. And that when it ended it was because it was so much larger than either of us that it was like crushing us. And that’s how we both explained it, and that’s how we both understood it. But I don’t even know that we see it that way still. The memory of that is like this beautiful tangle of feelings which neither of us is willing to try to sort out. Maybe that’s wrong. But it was so important that I’d experienced all of it. And it makes me sad that all of the ideals and naivety which was part of that experience are something I’ll never have in the same way with anyone else. I think so much of how I love now (and I sort of think all people love now) is so jaded and protected. It takes so much work for me to trust someone enough to let them wound more than my pride. But I’m glad that I’ve let someone in past that barrier again.

Everyone’s unhappy/Everyone’s ashamed/Well we all just got caught looking/At somebody else’s page/Well nothing ever went/Quite exactly as we planned/Our ideas held no water/But we used them like a dam

I think one of the worst ways in which we protect ourselves is through sex which is mostly meaningless. Kyle and I had a talk earlier this summer about how difficult it is for both of us to put the other’s sexual history behind us despite having committed the same errors in our own lives. I mean. Half the time, I don’t even know if I’m more jealous of the girls he cared about or those he didn’t. When I’m jealous of meaingless women it’s because that part of me that brews insecurity sometimes feels like there’s something about me that’s only attractive in a-relationship-way. That seems silly. Like you have to want to date me in order to find me attractive. That just simply isn’t true. I know it’s not true because it’s completely absurd. It’s also disproven by all those boys who only wanted to fuck me. And twice-as-much by how those boys were all assholes that didn’t care about me. So isn’t it silly, then? That I’d somehow be jealous of the girl whose personality diminished all but their sex appeal? Probably, I’m ridiculous. When I’m jealous about girls that meant something to him, it’s mostly because I’m looking at a picture of him kissing her on the internet. And it reminds me that I’m childishly naive to think that all these pretty words he has have only been said to me. And then I remember that in the case of some of them, my ears alone have heard him say them. And I think about what his friends say he says about me when I’m not around. I don’t think I’ll ever get tired of having his high school friend say over-and-over-again that Kyle smiled like he’d never seen when he was talking about me. I also think it’s silly because I deep down like that we have similar pasts. I need someone who looks at my sexual history as probably akin to their own and doesn’t ask questions unless they want to know the answers. I need not be with someone who treats me like they’re doing me a favor by dating me despite my past.

*All lyrics from “Missed the Boat” by Modest Mouse. But, of course, you’re smart. You knew that.
** To be continued…

Yesterday

Jess on August 15, 2007

If you think it didn’t occur to me, you’re wrong.  It did.

Productivity in two simple steps

Jess on August 13, 2007

Wait for me another year or two/I will graduate and marry you/You roll the number and I??ll buy the lumber/To build a house up on an Oregon hill//There??s a mountain/There??s a time to/They were put up there to keep us apart/So I watch you making plans and I make plans
– Someone Still Loves You Boris Yeltsin, from “Oregon Girl”

Kyle came into town cos he didn’t want me to spend a night alone when things were crazy.  I’ll explain what was crazy later, probably in a private entry.  But it seems alright now.  It’s just a whole lot of stress… but what would the last week of summer be without stress? Really.  So I got to spend an unexpected day with him.  It was much fun.

I woke up late for the dentist which is good cos I really didn’t want to go.  I considered calling in with some bad excuse but I already did that last month so I showed up for the appointment and got my teeths cleaned.  They did a good job.  There was lots of whining at me cos I don’t floss but I don’t lie about it.  I just hate doing it and I don’t have the time and I’m not leaving floss and hand sanitizer out by the tv so I’ll do it there cos that won’t happen.  I want to watch 24 while I’m watching 24… not be concerned about my teeth.  So fuck it.  I might actually take up flossing as a regular habit though, mostly because I hate the dentist so much that I try to keep them from whining at me.  They gave me two different kinds of floss cos I prefer the non-waxed kind for most of my teeth and i require a very waxed kind for my front teeth cos they’re half fake and not very well sanded.  This is too much talk about my teeth.

After adventures with the dentist I had to break into James house to return the PS2 so that David could play Spyro and didn’t have to keep calling me about the PS2.  He’d be the best debt collector ever, I believe.  I left it on the couch and continued to plot how I will tackle the issue of cleaning that place in the next few days.  I’ll do it, I will.

Then it was off to meet with Bearman or more particularly Prasch.  We talked about Grad School.  My list has changed.  I’m gonna do this in tiers like my buddy list on aim.  (bet you didn’t know i tiered my friends there, but i do.  it makes a difference too.)

Tier 1: Schools I Really Want to Attend

  1. Minnesota
  2. Wisconsin

Tier 2: Schools I Would Like to Attend

  1. Northwestern
  2. UCLA

Tier 3: Schools Which will possibly be elevated to tier 1 or 2

  1. Boston
  2. Michigan

I’m currently looking for a movie about something in African History on which I can write a conference paper! Do leave suggestions! I’m going to post this on my suicidegirls account too… cos they are much more academic than my wordpress readership.  Not kidding. But that’s because I have way more wordpress readers.

When I look at you, you're so far away.

Jess on August 10, 2007

I like post-rock enough to listen to admit it publicly.  I like post-rock.  There.  And I hope I listen to more of it until I understand it well enough to defend that it doesn’t all sound the same.  Cos right now, I don’t understand how every lead singer sounds the same vocally.  It’s an amazing trick.

Yesterday was Kyle’s last day in Topeka for the summer.  Wednesday is his last day in Kansas City.  I’m basically devastated.  We’ve spent this week watching Season 3 of 24 which I should be finishing up as we speak, but instead I’m blogging because I care about all of you folks being able to keep up on my life.  Season 3 is a great season. Jack Bauer is an American Icon.  I can’t watch Law and Order anyway cos of Golf.  It’s been great.  We took a  break yesterday and watched Season 3 Part 1 of Entourage.  We went on lots more lunch dates than normal. We stayed up till 4 a.m. laughing with each other.  We cuddled on the couch.  And I cried basically non-stop. Sigh. I just don’t want him to go back. Slash. I don’t want to be apart from him.  But it’s ridiculous to think that he’d not go back to finish his senior year of college.  And Bearman would kill us both if I even considered it.  So I know that this is the way it has to be.  And my eyes have dried up since he left.  I held it together at work and I’ve held it together today.  I’m not even mildly depressed which I have been most of the days I’ve spent apart from him.  Ask him.  Last weekend I was downright irrational without reason and the weekend before was almost the same story… but maybe that storm was building.  So everything between us is wonderful.  We both wish we could be closer for these next ten months or so but we understand we can’t and so we’re off to figure out more about ourselves without the other there until next June. I’m just glad that neither of us is doubting the other.  We’re pretty much invincible.

Since he’s gone basically… I’m just looking forward to our last two dates together.  One is our anniversary (six months, woo) which is coming up next week, we’re celebrating early… The other is worlds of fun tomorrow.  I’m super excited about both.  But I’m also so ready for school to start.  Rahul and Cara and occasionally Kyle (Rahul was too drunk to make sense of what we were saying and Kyle was too drunk to make sense of what he was saying) and I had a good debate about the 08 elections the other night.  It got me jonesing for some good intellectualism.  I love it.  I can’t wait for classes.  African Art History with Janzen is gonna be so sweet… and I have it with Cari! Yay!  I’ve really missed Cari these past few years that we haven’t been as close. And I’m excited for my Morse class… though not so much for the tests.  I just hate writing essays which compare and contrast historical truths by creating some hypothetical historical society.  This is why I like her upper levels much better.

I want to watch more 24 so I can be indoctrinated on how cool it is to not have Constitutional rights so we can be safe from mostly outlandish terrorist plots and wonder how Nina will resurrect herself and if the PATRIOT Act really can save us all.  So I’m done blogging. Good night.

how to handle a dwindling population

Jess on August 4, 2007

let us lose the demarkations of age
relaxing beneath the weighty shadows of memories
i’ll find you in a thousand metaphors
borrowed from other authors
with fireflies flickering and fleeting
buzzing about our heads,
some kind of external performance
of the fizzy dancing of beers
in our minds and our stomachs
or the fluttery and fancy-free
landings??proving grounded
is more realistic than on-wing
and comfort could replace chaos
in the glittering stars of the latest,
greatest dramatic plague: love.

Setting the summer sun on fire (with molotov cocktails)

Jess on August 3, 2007

I can’t even begin to explain how happy I am to be behind the wheel of my own car again. It’s a 94 grand prix. Which means it’s not the cutest body style of a grand prix ever but it’s in great condition and I’m excited to take it lots of fun places. Place 1 being the salt mines with mr. roger losey-face. place two being carbondale a lot to see my boyfriend when he gets shipped back to illinois. place three being minneapolis where it looks like i’ll have to take a new direction to visit friends and see the school. and a whole lot of other places that i’ll think up later. like wisconsin. Anyway. It’s pretty badass. And according to all calculations, it gets pretty excellent gas mileage… so I’m excited about that as well. And it’s comfy. Soon, it will have my cd player in it… which of course I’m unbelievably happy about. Very good stuff!

I told Tyler I’d work in Lawrence tomorrow night instead of Topeka so I 1) get to work at a different store and 2) i get to leave for kansas city on sunday right away from lawrence, which means i get to see kyle a day earlier than I’m used to and I’m excited about that. I’m hoping to drag him out to superbad on sunday so i can nurture my silly crush on Michael Cera. I was very happy to learn today that Michael Cera is 19, though just barely. I’d been half expecting to learn the object of my unrealistic affections was only 17. Which would be devastating.

In celebration of having my new car, Roger and I went to the Kemper today. He rode shotty cos he actually fits in this car. I should’ve made him ride in the back so he’d realize just how much more space he now has… but I didn’t do that. Because I was being nice. My mistake. Anyway. The Kemper is my favorite art museum. Probably not ever. But close because it’s so small the exhibits are always changing and it holds my attention more than a permanent collection. Not that I don’t go to the Nelson like 50 times a year or anything… but I’m just saying. If I were Lady Kemper and my husband bought me the museum just to make me happy and give me something to do… I’d be happy. Today, the big exhibit was called Phantasmania. It featured pretty sweet art which was all a reflection of our existence and globalization and capitalization and other things. Like how you shouldn’t fish for sharks with your penis (I PROMISE YOU CAN SEE IT HAPPEN THERE IT IS WEIRD AND AMAZING). So these were some of my favorite artists.

Dan Attoe makes art like this:
Dan Attoe, Accretion #26
On the art, he has littler pictures which have words like some sort of word map. It’s awesome. An owl told us about how there was a fucking bubble in his fucking brain. I liked it a whole lot. And it was also interesting to hear this pair of older women say over and over again that it reminded them of a waterfall they saw in Colorado (we were looking at a different painting than the one i posted). It was pretty much awesome art. And I think he’s talented… and clever with his wording. It’s sort of bizarre. And we all know i’m into the bizarre.

Also featured is Angela Fraleigh. She makes really awesome huge art that’s these really sensuous paintings with large paint spills on them. And it makes it look dirtier and like there is an aching. She also names paintings like I title poetry… drawn-out and rambly with no capital letters… so i appreciated it.
Angela Fraleigh, that i may somehow take on the weight of your sadness
The above painting, “that i may somehow take on the weight of your sadness” was actually featured in the exhbit. it’s beautiful. and it’s really big in real life. i really liked this stuff a whole lot. but i love paint-spills, don’t i. and i like collage a lot. and this sort of draws on that. it certainly tells a story… but in a different way than most artists.

And THEN there was art by Jonathan Pylypchuk who does this awesome stuffed animal type creation which seems to me like something you’d see at the grassroots art center or somewhere. it’s awesome. and i wanna make things similar to it but of course i have no talent. here’s an example:
Jonathan Pylypchuk, I miss you, danger, and all its elements
They’re cute in their own way. At the museum, his piece is a whole village of people and animals that look a lot like this guy and they have these wooden shanties. it’s supposed to resemble a ghost town or a place after a natural disaster says the plaque next to it. So awesome.

I recommend you all go see it. If only cos it means going to the kemper.

The search continues

Jess on July 30, 2007

As I know everyone is very interested in things like how the search for grad school is going, I figured I’d blog through my thoughts about the whole thing to keep people up to date.

First, I have to take the GRE in September or October. I need to get signed up for it but you have to have money before you can shore those things up and I don’t right now so to hell with it. I’ll take it at some point and hopefully do well on it and then everything will be fine and I can start really truly applying for grad schools. I’ve been trying to get better at the math section again and it’s going really well. The book I bought seems to help and I like to have the opportunity to do math things because I’ve always really liked math but been unable to take the classes due to a lack of time in my schedule and it being relatively unimportant to my growth as a student. So i also need to start working on verbal but I hate flash cards and vocab and all such things so that’s not something i want to do.

So I have a lot of lists that float around in my head about grad school and those things right now. Here’s my Top 5 if we were going straight masters degree:

  1. Wisconsin-Madison
  2. UCLA
  3. Minneapolis
  4. Northwestern
  5. Texas-Austin

The only changes to the list if I look at it more longterm is that Minneapolis has a really sweet dual Ph.D. program in African History and Women’s Studies that the more I think about the more I get excited about. I think that if I decided I wanted to knock out a Ph.D. right away Minneapolis would for sure elevate itself above the other options. And with Texas being a safety school I’m pretty sure that if I got into and through any of my top 4 programs then I’d be a shoe-in for a Ph.D. at one of the other schools too.

Of course, it’s also important that we factor in realities of living… so i’ve shopped around via facebook marketplace to look at what a one or two-bedroom apartment would run us. If I factor in cost of living from cheapest to most expensive the list looks something like this:

  1. Madison
  2. Minneapolis
  3. Austin
  4. Chicago
  5. Los Angeles

If I look at it from where I think I’d be most happiest living the list looks like this:

  1. Minneapolis
  2. Madison
  3. Chicago
  4. Los Angeles
  5. Austin

If we end up in Madison, we’re a morning drive from Dudley and Shaw which would make us a good meeting point for all three boys. If we end up in Minneapolis, then Kyle has Dudley to play with. Knowing how sort of nervous I get about moving to new places and not knowing anyone, I think that Minneapolis looks increasingly popular on the list. Because of that I was canoodling about on their website today and decided that I should check out what research is happening there. It looks like they have a prof who does work on pre and colonial Great Lakes countries like Rwanda, Tanzania and Burundi. That’s basically what I’m looking to research. So here’s to Minneapolis probably being my top choice for a variety of reasons.

In other news, I should have a car by Friday. I’m so happy about that. Kyle’s dad found me a 1994 grand prix with 87 thousand miles on it. So that’s sweet. And it’s in really good condition. It’s nice to have Kyle’s dad look for the car cos I know that he’ll put me in something that will get me to carbondale as much as possible so I can date his boy 🙂 happy. I’m so excited about being able to see him and things. Even if I’m not excited about him going.

Also, i ran into Naylor at Travis and Trista’s wedding yesterday and she mentioned needing an asst. coach who can travel with her debaters and later with her forensics kids.  I mentioned that I was really hoping to get a job doing something similar this year and she said she’d definitely call me.  So I look forward to that.  Hooray!

You stay left; I'll go right.

Jess on July 27, 2007

It looks like I’ll be getting a new car by the end of the weekend hopefully. Kyle’s dad found a ’94 grand prix which is white and only has about 80 thousand miles on it.  Not bad.  Plus he’s not gonna charge me more than what he got it at the auction for.  I’m so excited to have a car.  More than that, I’m excited to have a car that will get me to see Kyle once in a while when he’s back in Illinois.  That drive the other day to Carbondale made me realize just how far that will be.  Suck.  We made it okay through last semester but part of me worries that a lot of the reason that was so easy (and really it wasn’t that easy) was because we hadn’t gotten used to spending all of our time together.  I knew then that I always wanted to be with him even when i wasn’t which made it easier to be apart from him but now I find it harder and harder to be separate even for just a few days.  We both have school to finish and I know that will keep us busy, plus all of our friends will be around which will make it easier too… I just don’t know how simple it will be this time to just see each other as much as possible.

Gizmo is all moved into my apartment now and things are very cute.  He has a vest/harness that i’m getting him used to so that he can be out more without being in that ball.  He just wears it for about 5 minutes a day or so and then he takes it off and I chase him around the apartment. Lol.  What a goof.  Logan enjoys chasing him with me… it seems to me that Logan doesn’t view him as prey. If anything, Logan is intimidated by him a smidge… but when the little fella is loose, Logan likes to point out to me where he’s hiding.  He’s only gotten free three times which isn’t so bad and I find him not that hard to catch.  A play pen is certainly in his future though.  That way he can hang out in the living room without having to be in a ball that he slams into stuff.  Goofy.  While Logan has proven to be a good helper when it comes time to find the Chin, he’s also not very aggressive when the critter is subdued.  For example, the other day i was on the couch holding Gizmo who was on his leash and Logan was asleep at the foot of the futon.  Gizmo jumped onto the futon and then peered down at the cat for a few until he decided to leap… onto the cat.  Logan stood up and looked at me like “who the fuck does he think he is?” and then retreated to under the couch.  Last night, Gizmo was in his ball and exploring my bedroom… by which i mean, slamming himself into all of my nice things… and Logan needed to use his litterbox.  So logan climbs in and Gizmo decides to investigate and slams himself into the litterbox.  Logan was midpoop so there wasn’t anything he could do about it.  I picked Gizmo up and moved him to the other part of the room.  Logan’s still not sure what to do about the ball that plays with him rather than the other way around. Hah.  I’m sure Gizmo will figure out the landscape of my room here pretty soon and then he’ll be better off.  It’s such a fun adventure.  And I think Logan likes having someone to play with.

Kyle got an upstage today. I can’t wait to see it.

Josh was mentioned in the Washington Post today.  They linked to one of his YouTube videos. How sweet is that?

Also, I heard from Erik today. In other quasi-political news 🙂 haha.  It was sweet to hear from  him, it’s been like forever since we talked… probably basically since we went out for ice cream together with Becky and Joe and Cara last June.  He’s supposed to call later so we can talk better than over txt message.  Hooray.