Too much of nothing

Nate yelled at me for not blogging in over a week today and i realized that he is definitely right and I have gotten terrible at blogging. I don’t really know why other than life feels pretty boring and mundane right now and full of the beginning of things which i am mostly dreading. A few weeks ago I was really excited about starting classes but that’s mostly changed now. I’m sure I am still excited about the classes, but I like filling my day with things that i think are fun on the fly and not having to worry about doing other things which are more boring. Oh ugh.

I heard from janelle today. She’s going to have people over on the 12th and so i’m going to go that after the AIDs benefit, I think. I’m excited.

I went to CoMo to see Kyle and the Jewell kids earlier this week. On wednesday in fact. It was a blast. Spencer made it up from Drury, Lilia, Phil and Luke, Kyle, Banks, Poppa and some other people were there. I was just sad we couldn’t stay longer but Joe had to work Thursday morning and who was I to insist for long periods of time that we stay out. i let Poppa do all that. Luckily, Banks was really understanding cos he had crazy parents too. And Banks finished the bar. So hopefully he’ll do really well on it, cos it sounds like a test you don’t want to take twice. Wow.

number the scars

maybe because i assigned myself value in words
i am now meaningless like the language that brought me here
or maybe there’s a bigger picture
i just keep missing it.

i wanted to ask for help,
i want to say something
but love is like catching sand
and i’ve always been the one who
is hard to hold on to.

the conversationist

though i’m not glad that you’re gone,
as i expected,
i must say i was not exactly sad to see you go:

so what then of all these conversations
leaving you feeling satisfied
while reminding me,
i am the eternal
procrastinator?

Waiting in the ether

Awh, it’s been too long since I’ve blogged again, hasn’t it. Well so much has happened, sort of. I made a lot of jewelry. For now, i’m just going to increase my collection of things that I am making and then I’ll probably post them at some point. and I may start listing them on facebook before they’re available for sale. Who knows.

Joe was in town this weekend for Jackie and Ryan’s wedding. Jackie was really beautiful (and so was Ryan, lol). And Joe and I had a much needed talk about the direction of us. It was good but lead itself to much less sleep than I needed.

under the fraying skirt i find

beneath the rough skin on my feet
there is a history of walking
through the differences
of midtowns, downtowns, uptowns
and these toes dancing
onto scars-made-by-glass
such that imperfect skin
is now the softest because
it maintains no record.

too many breakables

i notice the shift in the beat
as i turn up the volume,
the track calls my name, you say
and tom you were right
i’ve made a lot of mistakes.
but in another world
of music
one track at a time
until track four-five-six
and i’m wanting you
how much
as all of these sloppy phone calls
leave me desperate
and wishing
for next time

the new news

i’m not taking the job at elections. no matter how long i thought i was going to… it just won’t work with the schedule of my new job in the school year. and i’d gotten too devastatingly bad migraines in the past week. those HAVE to be stress related. I just went to the eye doctor about a month ago and he told me that they were just stress related because it wasn’t my eyes that were doing it to me. and that they came up when i was going to go back to this job that i hate and work it along with two other jobs school and forensics in the fall. there is no way i would have survived that. so after a lot of talks with people i’ve decided just to be honest that i won’t survive it. and it means i don’t have to go back to elections which is some of the best news ever.

today i might go clean up the apartment. the bedroom is still a wreck. but who knows. i really need to rearrange furniture and buy curtains and nice things. so we’ll see.

i’m also going to do lunch with tonya. i hope. if she calls me.

last night i watched harry potter 4 with david and james. we got chinese food that was really delicious and the movie was pretty fantastic. it was fun. their place is pretty clean now too. i mean, relatively.. but that’s still a whole lot of pretty intensive cleaning. i was impressed.

open drawers; shut eyes

the secret handshake
to my soul
discovers an old bra
lost for ages
resting softly
in the wake of so many
pajamas
socks
panties
and what a beautiful day this must be
to be alive.

daybreak

five twenty-two, a.m.
and my cursing at my longest nail now broken
is heard only by the newly lit sky
so these thoughts,
like those four fifty-three raccoons,
unsettling the stable sense of wanderlust
awakening ever-steadily all these mornings
when i wonder if you minded
that i called you; sometimes, i
wonder if you’d keep me up
for a long drive home…

complex equations

considering the history
of my sex
which drips from the yarn
i knit together
and all those times
in which we were considered equal
in our own right,
i find myself longing
for the spinning feeling
of us
pressed silently, sleepily
under quilts.

without our idealized version
of history
it would be only i under the quilt
and you
wondering if i’d ever give it back.