Ring-around-the-rosé
Add Faruk Akin to the list of awesome ring designers. I like the universe one best.
in the realms of the unreal
New layout, obviously. it’s based on the art of henry darger. i need to make a credits section in the pages.
One of the things I like about myself is that I have a really consistent bubbly tone that I write in when I’m in a good mood. I’m excitable like a little child. It’s adorable.
a prayer, i promise
God sat in my living room,
postured like a childhood
drawing of a family friend
with hair too red and a mustache
too thick, but strangely familiar;
of course, i paid no attention
as i was mired by your permanence
watching you walk
from the bedroom to the bathroom
and perching myself in a chair
where i could see you on your walk
in return, a queen’s majesty
coiled beneath the weight of a towel
cos you, dear, are a carbon-copy
of man in the image of perfection
and every curled tress from your scalp
separates you from those i’ve loved
before and after you; so i watch,
your eyes as they catch the new skin
stretching around your hips
and your fingers as they reach for your bones,
exploring the curvature
which signals your womb
as a fertile bed of life
as much as it signals insecurity
which haunts every glance in the mirror
you asked me once to draw you
and i promised too, but only
in two stages of this moment
the haphazard movement of your thighs,
and arms and head and hands
winding illogically through your towel
like the interstate circumscribing downtown
and the slow trickle of blood from your vulva
dissipating along the inside of your thigh
and reminding us all you are alive.
glory be to the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit
as it was, is now, and ever shall be.
amen.
From the stupor of our hangovers
Lilia tagged me in this typical blog thing where the writer is supposed to post eight things about themselves. I’ve decided that since I’m due for a blog anyway, I like revealing things, and I’ve been meaning to have lots of deep conversations with the world I should respond with a new entry that follows the rules. Also, I’ve decided that I should keep a serious tone about it as opposed to the unserious tones I’ve used in the past.
There are “rules”- Post the rules before you give the facts. Post eight random facts about yourself. At the end of your blog post, you need to tag eight people and list their names. Leave the people you tagged a comment on their blog, letting them know that they’ve been tagged.
1. I ring shop, almost every day. (Figured I’d start with a shocker). The thing is, I don’t even know why I do this. I guess because Kyle’s nervous about having to buy one is how it started cos I don’t want a diamond and I don’t even actually want a stone. And I do want something weird and that means knowing my taste. And if I have a band for one thing I can’t have a band for the other and I don’t see why I need an engagement ring at all but Kyle’s convinced (correctly, I might add) that most girls lie about what they want in their engagement ring and he’s worried (incorrectly, I might add) that I’m one of them. So one day, innocently enough, I looked at rings. That’s when I realized that my “I don’t want a diamond or really even a stone” demands were practically just cruel. Slash. I realized that virtually everyone in this country is an unoriginal diamond craver. And while some of my anti-diamond attitude stems from my finding it odd that i’m going to get a Ph.D. in African History while wearing a diamond. Looking for someone to help me feel like less of a statistic, I sought out another opinion on the matter. Finding nothing worthwhile, I gave in to the Slate.com link on google. And I was somewhat impressed by this article by Megan O’Rourke called “The Trouble with Engagement Rings.” She raises several good points… including that I’m pretty much justified and original in not wanting a ring with a diamond. Another that I’m going to get a lot of rolled eyes when people ask to see the ring and all they get to coo over is a band. So that means I have to have confidence that Kyle will overcome this great shortage of pretty rings without diamonds. Basically, I still don’t think there’s anything better than a simple band. But it looks weird to wear two bands. So the wedding ring would have to be different. Or I’m going to have to come up with some other idea for the engagement ring. I like these websites: greenKarat has some neat ones that are kind of traditional and the carrot box has a sweet blog with lots of awesome untraditional ideas. I also like this one… cos seriously… concrete rules. As for the band thing and then a fancied up wedding ring.. rumor is that Loving Anvil will stamp HUSBAND and WIFE in a Courier Typesetting. Bad. Ass.
2. Sometimes, I hate being an historian. I feel jaded and like I’ve lost my ideals. I think this is why I write outside of my field a lot, or try to. Because I just feel like I’m not doing anything other than reporting what happened without anything other than academic bias. Is it Mitchell who critiques debate because of spectatorship (and then later recants saying its good for education?) Well, I feel like history breeds spectatorship. I get frustrated that history rarely amounts to more than “a dialogue among historians” because I’ve always wanted to do more than that. I quell this hatred by thinking that maybe someday I’ll get to sit on panels. Maybe someday I’ll escape to the realm of think tanks where at least I’ll be trying to speak to someone else and they’ll just not be listening. Maybe someday I’ll jump into the NGO sector. But then, I decided to get a Ph.D. in history because I wanted to write about human interaction with great ape populations from as early as i could to as late as i could. Because I want to write for the Great Apes Project because I think they lack and could benefit from an historical analysis of these interactions. So I think about this and I realize that I just have to stay committed to what I want to do. So Boston or Minnesota… here we come.
3. I resent the clothing industry for making me think I look hotter naked. Lilia’s number one was about how she’s considering breast lifts after she has her next kid and about how her body just doesn’t fit together correctly after she was pregnant. Without having given birth to a child, I can relate. I’ve gained weight. Things look different. My hips curve differently. And despite all of those jokes that Joe made about how I’d gotten fat or the rumors that go around about how I’m pregnant or something now… I think I look good. It hurts my feelings because it’s supposed to that I now wear an XL in Mossimo (this is actually just completely fucking ridiculous. What do girls who are actually an XL wear? Misses? Cos that’s also completely ridiculous.) and sometimes I hate how my clothes were cut for these perfect mannequin bodies or something. But I’m happy with how I look when i take my clothes off. I think I look like Titian’s Venus of Urbino and I’m into that. I like my curves. So dear Old Navy, American Eagle, Target and all the other stores that advertise to me… please start making dressmakers dummies that are shaped more realistically.
4. I regret with the deepest sincerity every action that got me removed from the debate squad. But that does not justify a coach calling me a whore. And anyone who knew me the way that Kevin and Jim should have known me after that amount of time… especially as I’d had a conversation about what I was going through and they claimed to understand… should have been more understanding and approached things differently than they did. I realized at the time that a break from the debate squad would probably do both me and the squad some good. They could have just talked to me about it. I’ve left that relationship completely distrustful of most of the people who were on the squad at the time and really unsure of what sense I should make of the stories I’ve heard about who said what to get me removed from the squad. I’d go back in a heartbeat, but I’m not going to ask.
5. I feel like I’m breaking a promise to myself because Madeline and I aren’t that good of friends (or not really friends at all?) anymore. And I can’t help believing her that she’s better off without me in her life. Plus, i feel like we’re at a standstill. I mean, really. I just don’t know what outcome between us is good for both of us. I can say that I liked it that she seemd to approve of Kyle this summer and I liked that we could get along and talk because in the end she does know me better than most anyone and I do desire her confidences, and I like to know what’s happening in her life and I like to be there for her, but I just can’t justify myself to her when she asks me to. I don’t feel like that’s my job to do. And it trudges up memories of all those phone calls I spent crying on a floor somewhere trying to talk her into believing in my love for her. So this is all that’s left… a long series of poems that could be strung together if someone were capable of writing transitions between the styles of my youth and the styles of right now. Or if someone could sort through everything which has faded into meaninglessness and somehow assign it a value that glimmers. And I’ve stopped being cryptic because I’m now afraid that no one will be able to read between the lines.
6. When I leave Topeka, there are some people I will miss very much. I know that I’ve spoken before about how I feel like this last year in Topeka would be written as a single sentence in the novel of my life. But, the truth is, lots of really awesome things are happening and I’m excited to be around.
7. I’m happy with my schedule for work and school. My work life is back to good again. I’m getting just enough hours at the family video to make it worth employment (the opposite was the case through most of september) and not too many hours such that i end up really stressed out with no time to do anything (such was the case last week) and it’s nice to have the money to pay the bills. It’s also pretty nice because I’m actually economically sufficient. Tim needs me to pay some bills I owe him this month and I’ll be able to do it and still make rent. That feels awesome. I like feeling like I am not going to fail.
8. I’m the kind of person that struggled for five things which people don’t know. I like being open about my life.
I’m supposed to tag some more people, but I don’t really know anyone who actually blogs. So Justin, you should let us in on a little bit more of your life. Otherwise, if someone feels inspired to take on the task of writing eight things… let us know via comment.
Everytime we close our eyes
Seeing Kyle this weekend was really great. I surprised him with a bottle of Chrome. It was cute. I was kicking around the idea of buying it for him because he’s been wearing axe and that needs to change. So I went to the mall on Thursday and realized I didn’t actually have time to go in, I just had time to drive by and then go to work. So I went back on Friday and went in and decided maybe I wouldn’t get it, but then I had the lady spray a card for me and i melted a little bit when I smelled it so I decided to buy it for him. I hid it under my receipt from the toll booth on the seat. I wrote a note for him on the back of the receipt and when he got to the car he went to move it and found the box underneath. He was so adorably surprised by the gift. I love gift-giving like that. It makes me so happy to know that he’s happy with what he’s got.
He did well at the tournament, 6-0, byed through octs, dropped in quarters to chad and tom in a really close round. It was a good debate. It was also really sweet how well he balances having a girlfriend and kicking ass at debate. As a girl who dates debaters, I think I have a lot of respect for a boy who can do both well.
This week, I had three tests on Tuesday. I’m really expecting an A on all of them. However, I could see my grade on Art History II being a B possibly cos I was bad at memorization. It was just hard trying to remember the information for all three classes on the same day and that meant I didn’t spend as much time on Art history as I normally do on art history tests.
Jenny and I went to the Spencer Library today to get books for our upper division art history courses. She’s writing her medieval term paper on San Lorenzo and I’m writing my african art paper on Ibeji figures. Specifically, I’m going to write about the artistic qualities of the photographs and plastic dolls used as modern ibeji figures in place of the carved wooden figures while addressing some of the reasons for the change.
Oh, and I looked at graduate programs again today. I think my top two choices are Minnesota and Boston. Northwestern is probably off the list. I need to get my purpose statement finished soon. I was going to do that tonight but now I’m relaxing and enjoying the opportunity to not be motivated for once. I could use a break.
It’s nice having a close female friend in my major again. I think I’ve missed Cara more than I realized. And I like Jenny a lot. I hadn’t really realized how awesome she was until we talked in Florence when I was upset once. She’s really a wonderful girl.
Plans, we make
I get to see Kyle tonight. I can’t wait. He was in the top 4 at the Jewell Round Robin today which is pretty hot. Man, I don’t have much to report do I? I guess that’s not true. I took the GRE. That’s probably pretty big news. 600 Verbal, 650 Quantitative. I think my verbal score is best exemplified by my hatred of spelling the word “quantitative.” I wish it were qualitative. I like that better, for some reason. I’m pretty sure i did better on the second verbal test I took and that they recorded the score of the first one. Figures. But oh well. I’m glad I did well. And I’m also glad I didn’t waste much time putting actual work into preparing for it. It turns out Prasch was right.
I realized in a conversation today that the only thing I had to say to the guy working behind the counter after he started small-talking was that I had seen his daughter’s breasts on the internet. That was kind of awkward and prompted a quick return to my reading, but seriously. That’s the nicest thing I could think up to say about someone I went to school with for four years. I should’ve just said it… “oh yah, her? her only good quality is that she has small nipples and can apply makeup well enough to cover up how she kind of looks like a boy.” It’s not like they were giving me a discount either way.
let's pretend we're in antartica
ah, so i’m finally going to update my blog. and i have so much to say that i’ve actually felt the need to outline this entry so that I don’t forget anything because I’ve had a really pretty stellar few weeks since I last updated and I would hate to leave something out.
First, the last time I really posted I mentioned that I was going to spend Labor Day with Kyle in carbondale, or more that I was going to spend Labor Day Weekend with Kyle and then drive home to work on actual labor day. I had an awesome time. The drive in went by really slowly, in part because I was anxious, in part because I had a long long long lunch, and in part because there was a wreck on i70 that slowed traffic to 20 miles per hour average. Oi. I stopped in Columbia and had lunch with Duker at Moe’s in part cos you’ve gotta start knocking out delicious carbondale food on route to Carbondale or you just won’t have time for everything you want to eat by the time you get to Illinois for just a few days. Also, it’s always nice to have some conversations with Duker. Lunch was delicious and a little bit long but I finished my whole burrito and eventually made it back on the road. When I got to Carbondale, late, Kyle grilled and then we went to the liquor store. I wanted to go to the bar cos I was in the mood for shots but instead I was talked into drinkin at the house so I bought all the stuff needed to make washington apples. That night we learned the following: Jess of right now:Apple Pucker::Jess of three years ago:Vodka. We woke up the next day and had a pretty relaxing time around the apartment until we went to his friend Brandon’s place and hung out with them while they grilled. We got Don Taco and went to the bars at about 10 or so and we were in by one a.m. I’ve apparently civilized Kyle. He seemed kind of bitter about it that night, but in a good way. Sunday, we went to a winery with Duran and Neely. That was an adventure. I had a really awesome time, but Kyle was so silly cos we got like 5 tastes for a dollar. So Duran and Neely got a pitcher of Sangria that was so amazingly delicious. And Kyle and I got our tastes. Kyle tastes one thing. Then gets another taste of the same thing. Then buys a bottle of it and gives me his other tastes. That kid is so nervous about wine. I had fun with my 8 samples and had some of the sangria… yummy. They have this porte called Framboise (strawberry obviously) that was delicious. The rest of it varied between being very good and moderately good and bad. I’m kind of picky about my wine though. All-in-all it was a really awesome weekend. I’m glad that Kyle and I just pick up where we left off after we spend time apart.
The following week I started to get a little sick. Mostly I just had lots of sinus headaches and a bad migraine on Tuesday. Wednesday, Colby was in town so we went out cos he was sleeping at my place. This resulted in the best night ever, esp for a Wednesday. First of all, I love having weeknights off. An evening that I can spend doing whatever makes me so happy. So I was super excited about that night. Colby came over for a bit in the evening (This is where my last pseudopost occured.) and then I met him later at the Cowboy where fun insued. First of all, I was so nervous about the Cowboy because it’s terribly white trash and gangster at the same time. I’m also unsure about clubs because I don’t like dance floors where people don’t dance… or do i? it turns out that the cowboy dance floor is like a live-action reality tv show. The floor is only full, but not crowded, when there is a slow country song. The rest of the time there are at max four clusters of people (or people going solo) dancing. You get to watch blue-shirt guy try to hook up with white-shirt girl. You get to see plaid-shirt-guy making a fool of himself trying to dance. You get to see two girls trying to dance together in an attempt to bait some unsuspecting male on the dance floor. Oh my. You even get hit on by sixty year olds because Colby’s an ass and is way late so you sit alone playing with your phone. Who could avoid that much fun? Mostly i was just excited because Bud Select was cheap. Not that Bud Select is ever expensive. But it’s better when it’s cheap. After the Cowboy we decided we should make it to the Trap where we ran into Justin and Dave. I run into Justin everytime I go to the Apple store which for whatever reason has made us slightly better friends. So i was very excited to get to interact socially with him. I was swindled into being a davette during baby got back. :sigh: I was also swindled into karaoke with Colby, which was mostly awesome. You all really know how i adore situations that are seemingly unexpected. I live for those moments that end movies: where you find yourself dancing with the girl you’ve been pissed about all summer cos she’s fucking your exboyfriend and you gain a sense of closure, where someone apologizes for something they’ve done years ago that you’re not mad about but marks a new chapter in your friendship, where you hallucinate with a boy whose floor you’re crashing on in a city you’re visiting and you met the boy three years ago when you were straight edge and he was a huge fan of chomsky’s media critiques. I’m always filled with a sense of nostalgia and a realization that everything is always changing. And even if you don’t believe in progress, sometimes you can believe that it really is always getting better. So by the end of the night Colby and I were singing Santa Monica by Everclear together and I realized that he’s now one of my better friends, way beyond elevated out of the exboyfriend category in my life, and that it’s really sweet how relationships grow and change and transcend. After that, we headed to James’s so that I could get a little bit sober before we went back to my place. That’s where the night went south for Colby. As for me, I had a wonderful conversation with James’s roommate Ben.
Last weekend, Kyle came into town. He got in Thursday and we partied with the debaters. Friday was much of the same, but at BWW not Joe Allen’s. And I got to hang out with Nate that night and we ended up at the former Goose Too which was having a sucky night, but we had enough fun. The next day I took Nate back to his place and then hung out with Kyle until I went to work. We ended up at Pigskins that night with the Tech crowd which was fun. Then we got all kinds of fucked up at Joe Allens (well, I got all kinds of fucked up.) and later there was IHOP. I was underimpressed with the crepes, ps. They did not give me enough sour creme. I like the desert menu crepe best, it turns out.
I’ve pretty much been immobile and sick since Kyle left. I’m better as of sometime yesterday morning in terms of pressure but Monday-Thursday i was a mess. This all culminated with me having a breakdown in the history department because too many people were making too many demands of me. And I’m having a terrible conflict of interest about what I want to do with the next year. I feel like history makes me jaded and cynical. I’m not nearly as involved or idealistic as I once was. I now view things like feminism and enviornentalism or animal rights or all those things I used to get really fired up about as some sort of 2D description of an historical reality. I feel unconvinced of beauty. I might take the LSAT. I’m definitely going to cut some things out of my life, in attempt to have evenings every now and then, or maybe just to have some time to be still. The radio was talking about Psalm 46:10 which says “Be Still and Know that I am God.” I want time to do that. I’m so excited for next year when I don’t have so many things floating around. I want to spend time with Kyle. I want to have evenings to do homework or watch tv or movies or anything. I want to make dinner with my boyfriend/fiance/husband and eat it together. It’s nice that I don’t have to wait until 9 p.m., realistically midnight, to call my boyfriend cos I’m on sprint now. But I’m so excited for us to be a family. And for my life to get started.
I feel like the Topeka chapter of my life has ended and I’m just stuck on the last page which will be written in an uneventful flourish by the author. That’s depressing. To liberate myself from this feeling I’m trying to spend more time with James, Emily, and the other people that I’ll miss when I’m gone next year. My family.
I take the GRE on Monday. I’m excited to have it be done. I’m confident that I’ll do well. I’ll keep you updated.
I think that I’m going to change the style of jeans I wear. From Low-rise to Mid-rise. At least as long as long shirts are in, jeans will have to be higher to meet fashion standards. Plus, I kind of like how they look. Oh, and there is new ani. AND they have released a game called Worms 2 for the DS. Ohfuckyes. We will fight the battle of Worms on my DS. I am so excited I cannot handle it.
hooray for newness
i have a new layout! finally. new title too.
waiting for wednesday
I have wednesday off again tonight which is sweet. So colby is in town and were going to the electric cowboy tonight. What a scary night. Lol. I’m playing with his phone now. I want my phone now.
Wait till I get my money
Tomorrow is my first weeknight off in i don’t know how long. Then, this weekend, I’m going to Carbondale to Kyle. Today, I signed his wall “you can be my black kate moss tonight (Friday).” and cut-lined a picture of him “Sic semper Tyrannosaurus-Kyle.” This is all evidence that our relationship is very strange and very happy. As predicted by him perhaps, the 14 hours of prevention he spent driving here and back to visit me has bought him 30 hours or more of cure. I’m much less needy about the phone thing. Some of that is the curse of having cingular vs. sprint and how they won’t let us talk to each other for free… assholes. That should all be fixed soon though cos I think I’m gonna buy a mogul tonight. It’ll cut out my ability to discreetly textmessage about ever… but it’ll be pretty fancy. And I love fancy.
Also, I’m very excited because I’m spending the weekend in Illinois. And it looks like this year I’ll live my life on the standard that “it’s already Tuesday!” oh how time flies when you’re in college and working about 40 hours and going to school 14 and working on a conference paper/watching movies/hooking up cable in your room in your spare time. This semester I’m even doing the readings. They’re interesting. Moreso in Art History than any other classes since text books are written for morons. Oh! And I walked a mile and did 50 crunches today and 25 pushups. I think I’m going to start doing crunches and things every day from now on. That’d be good. And I wouldn’t even have to go to the gym. But maybe I could use the exercise bikes in the lounge at the apartment complex.
I’m spastic and happy tonight (read: manic). Oopsies. Uhm. The Most Serene Republic are like my favorite band ever right now. And the new interpol is also very good.
TOMORROW: Join me for margaritas somewhere. My weekend starts on Wednesday.