today at school kayla saw me and started singing “L is for the way you look at me.. O..” and i joined in. it was a whole lot of fun. we danced around and sang and Mrs. Tipton joined. Yay.
I started that depakote so today i’m kinda bitchy and I keep overreacting. plus i have a pretty bad headache. slash a pretty bad head feeling. and i feel heavy. oh well. fuck.
i cried through the end of the lion king. but it’s such a good movie. even if it does make me cry. beauty in the beast is next. and i can’t find the little mermaid video. dammit. i’ll have to search for it later. it’s just out of its case. i hope i find it :-/.
blogging prior to doing homework today. i’m also having a disney-movie-marathon because i feel like it: the lion king, beauty and the beast, and the little mermaid. yea! i’m so excited about it.
last night i got to spend the night at madelines. i got there at like 5 or so and stayed there till 3:30 today. she’s so much fun. doug and meghan were over there for a while, and then they left and we went to get chinese. then, john and megan came over and they were there for a little while. after prom was over, greg, meghan, diana, doug, sarah and charlotte came over and then they all left to go to afterprom. apparently afterprom sucked so they came back over (less charlotte and sarah). they were all tractoralled up and so mads and i just sat there watching them twitch. doug was all excited because he could “feel the love” from us cuz we just kept cuddling (and hiding under blankets for payback.. hah). it was exciting-ness. doug’s such a cute guy. he’s just nice.
the times that “The kids” weren’t there.. madeline and i filled in the blanks with fun lesbian things 😉 hahaha. giggle.
oh god the beatles.. ie Paul on SNL. oooh-mah-mah.
back to my night. yeah mads and i hung out and made out and .. stuff .. it was a good time. lots of fun things. when the kids were there we were all cuddly under the covers and so we had to disappear to one of the other basement rooms for a while. haha. (and no one suspected a thing. yeah right.)
it was nice. we got to fall asleep all cuddly and wake up to each other. it was so much fun. and it worked out because we each just stole our own sections of the blankets. which is good. cuz that means that we were both comfortable. dance.
i start my depakote tonight. hopefully that goes well. i might get in on some WebMD action before I actually take it. just so i know what to expect.
it could be debated that sleep is necessary and therefore i should make a regular habit of doing it. especially if i really want to go out tomorrow night. especially if i want to go to madeline and spend the night on saturday. especially if i plan on doing well in ld tomorrow. although i’m sure ld won’t be a problem. afterall, you all know how i talk when i’m tired. let this be known as exhibit A. hah. plus i won’t really be tired until sometime tomorrow and there should be plenty of downtime in which to sleep at the tournament or something. i don’t know what there would ever be downtime at a tournament but you know, it happens. i’m writing cases on the way there. because i didn’t get them perfected before i got there. i will probably actually only run through what i plan on saying once or twice (be honest, once). and then i’ll just go in to rounds and see what happens. i’m sure it’ll be okay. and i’m not too obsessed with how i do this weekend. just going is a lot of money that we’ll have to raise so at least i can save myself the trouble. eh.
i talked to madeline on the phone for like 4 hours tonight. whee. like 3:40 to be exact. wow. it was fun though. we talked about a lot. of course she was asleep-ish the last hour or so. but still. it was nice. i was all mushy. grin. i like being mushy.. and having someone to be mushy with someone that doesn’t mind my mushiness.
yeah so i spent my whole night awake working on this layout. which i believe i began sometime around 6 this evening.. although i was working on it in my head for the past week at least. goodness. i still need to change the “what layout this is” business and all of that shit but still. i’m close and that’s what really matters. i’m also close to having earthfire done. i have the layout done now i just have to find some time to be online and figure out templates. because i don’t know what variables do what thing. i assume i’ll figure it out. and if not, oh well, we had a good run. or something.
when i was on the phone with madsee, mom picked up. at like 2 in the morning. which is kind of late to be on the phone. and i couldn’t just say “oh well i’m on because i took some medicine and now i can’t sleep so i’m forcing my late-night babble on madeline.” so instead we were both just perfectly quiet. and then she hung up so i told mads i had to go. and she got off the phone and mom came in my room and looked at me (good thing i have all my lights off and the only thing that’s on is the computer or else oh fuck, who knows. so i had the computer shut and i was emergency sleeping and doing a good job at it. so she comes in (i had left the phone off the hook so that it didn’t look like someone had heard her get on and then get off). so mom comes in, sees me asleep, hushes the dogs, and leaves. at this point the dogs throw a hissy fit and start jumping all over me so i get out of bed and put lucky in devon’s room so that i can put muffin and lucky outside. mom is like “hey.” and i said “they were jumping all over me. so i’m putting them out” and then she was like “have you checked the phone because i picked it up and there wasn’t a dialtone which means someone is on it. and i was like “maybe i left it off the hook. i’ll go check.” so i went back to my room and turned the phone off and then told her the story and so that was all. i put the dogs in again and smuggled my cellphone to my room and called madsee to tell her that there was no trouble that had been spotted. go me.
scott called tonight. well he called last night. and then i haven’t been home to return his call. so i got another message and i called him back. he’s persistant. so i called him and we talked for a while. he’s a wannabe emo kid. emo kids are nice. we might go hang out tomorrow. apparently he used to date sam. which is just funny. she and i hang out with the same type of people. she seems like a cool enough girl though.
i want to finish the greg palast book soon. i bought Dantes’ Inferno, Salinger’s Catcher in the Rye, and Knowles’ A Seperate Peace at the book store last night. (is it really last night yet? i think i should sleep if only to not have to worry about defining what time of day it was or where that time of day relates to this time of day. hm.) they’re such great books. i haven’t read Inferno yet but Catcher in the Rye and A Seperate Peace are two of my favorite books. I could read them one million times over. Maybe. by that time i could probably just be saying them outloud. it would be the same thing. they just say so much though. mm. and i heart gene, phineas, and holden. rock.
well i never thought that day would end. of course i got like 5 minutes of sleep last night and then i was just really fucking tired. so i took a shower and got quasi-alert. then we went to emporia for nfl ld quals.
hit zach, jin, peter, steven, steven, sarah. 4-2. if i would’ve picked up steven (take 2) or sarah, i would’ve gone to nationals. dammit. i’m not really upset. i mean it’s only my 3rd time out in LD ever. hehm. good times. i had fun anyway.
i’m blogging two days in a row. this hasn’t happened since march 22. and usually i’m a multiple entries a day kind of girl so i’m sure we’ll get back to that later. yeah. anyway. my day was pretty boring. we’re doing a contemporary poetry unit in english and it’s driving me insane. i’m so in love with that class. chamberlain is one of the best teachers i’ve ever had. not only do i learn a whole lot but she just gets me all excited about english and makes me really think about what i’m reading. i’m sure i’ll be a much better reader/writer when i’m out of her class. it’s great.
I really like most of my classes this year. math kind of sucks, but kim and lacey are in that class and so kim and i make fun of each other and the class. good times.
and then i hate chemistry with a passion but all the fun girls are in there and clayton is there so that makes it mostly better. plus it’s not like i really do anything. when sittenauer isn’t telling biased interpretations of history, that’s a good class too. and for the most part i just love history so its a good class.
and in french i’ve learned a lot of french but i’ve learned a lot about myself too. and steph and i have gotten to be really good friends because of that class. it’s nice to know that i have somewhere to go when i want to be verbally abused (in a loving way). mweh. i’m so sappy. i think i get too attached to people. they’re just all so beautiful though.
last night madeline and i had a long conversation about me and my self-injury. this is the part where i get squeamish and don’t say anything on the blog. anyway, i was able to admit to her a lot of things about myself. i’m trying to open up and talking about thinks that are substantial. i didn’t talk about gabe or colby or brian or any of those emotional scabs that i can point to when something is bleeding.. instead i actually thought about what i felt and told her. i’ve never actually opened up to anyone like that. or if i have, it’s been an insanely long time.
today i was reading about philosophers and their philosophies and i realized that i’m starting to define myself. i was telling madsee last night about how i like people and their stories.. i like to travel the world, and sometimes i like to be alone. i’m a million different people from one day to the next.. but i was thinking about it today and i realized that i like the state of nature. i understand the social contract but i don’t know that i’m willing to sign it. i’m kind of a rawlsian kind of girl.. and some locke too. but that rousseau. grr. hah. i mean i like distributive justice and i definitely agree that we have to look out for our worst and then i agree that the government should only have the power the people give it. I like Betham’s utilitarianism theory too. that the society do what gives the greater good and that a system is only justified if it benefits the bottom class. and i like the community standard provided by entiozi because it’s about how we are who we are because of the community. i think that i just feel that it’s all a combination of those things and that we have to define our philosophies. and i don’t know exactly what i believe these days. i don’t know where i fit in with god or the world, but i know that i’m excited about finding out. and that maybe i’ll stick around till i have an opinion on things other than war. because it shouldn’t take that long to figure out that war is bad, unless it benefits the most people.
i really like the confucious train of thought. i was reading about that and decided that i’m going to read more of his writings because I think I would learn a lot. and it seems to be things that i agree with by myself. most of my thoughts have been formed on my own.. i’m not a heretic by any means and so when i find something that is kind of the way that i think anyway, i’m more likely to accept it. so i’m going to at least read the philosophies of Confucious. he seems like he’s got it going on.
i think that was enough internal dialogue for one journal entry. and by god i write so much now. it’s like i keep pouring myself into notepad documents, watching the little bar at the bottom and thinking only in carriage returns, never in paragraphs. mm. code.
ah. yeah. so i haven’t blogged in a week and i really don’t know what to say to catch everyone up. i don’t really remember what all has happened. hm.
madeline and i worked everything out. although nothing was really at all wrong i don’t think. she just worries that i’m going to leave her. but i’m not going to. so she’s just going to have to learn to accept me sticking around 🙂 but i really think we’re fine. i mean. we’ve been together for a while now and it’s working out. she’s so.. mm. great!
i started attempting to install/figure out movable type last week. i’m starting a group blog at http://earthfire.windflame.net and i decided to use that program instead of greymatter or anything else. it’s kind of a bitch to get the hang of though. although i like it a lot better than i did greymatter.. it’s just taking forever to get familiar with. hm. it’s like that period in a relationship where you’re first getting intimate and it’s like you have fun learning about how the other persons body works but you really wish that you could just BE there with out all of the guess and checking. anyway, i have it all installed and everyone has user accounts but i can’t get the templates done. and that’s what i’m working on right now.
friday/saturday was the tournament at seaman. on friday clay came up to me and excitedly said “guess who likes you? you’d never guess!” and i was like “Uh. erh. uh.” cuz i’m friends with mostly emporia girls and it’s just all i don’t know. so yeah. he was like “A.!” only he didn’t abbreviate it. so yeah. that was interesting. because he’s right i never would’ve expected it. and i just thought i’d record it because no acting on anything will be done because i’m happy with madeline and not interested in pursuing other realtionships. i just see no reason to. anyway. sarah and i were on speedforlittlekids and so student congress wasn’t that bad. all 6 fucking hours of it. we had a lot of fun. in that geeky sort of way. everything that could’ve gone wrong in ld went wrong but we covered our asses well and no one really knew. except for the people that saw me mid-panic-attack. mwah-haha. it was terrible. but then all was done and i got to go home.
tutu brought down my birthday present at the tournament (just drove here from man-happenin’) and so he and i hung out and he time kept at the tournament and then he came to my house with me and we debated genetic engineering on the couch. only debators. my god. we’re so entertaining. anyway, it got late and mom said that he could stay so he slept on my couch and i woke him up at 5 oclock in the morning so that he could return to manhattan and get to work on time. he made it home okay. which is good. because i was worried. i always think that people are going to get in car wrecks. maybe i have seperation anxiety. which doesn’t make much sense. because i’ve never had problems with cars and separation. it’s probably all natural.
saturday went well. except that pam yelled at everyone. including me. so i’m mad at her. and therefore going to kick the asses of the t-high lders at the ld tournament this friday. haha. she yelled at the wrong lincoln douglas debator! i’m also going to win ix. because i decided.
my birthday was march 31 and on sunday i went out to lawrence with madeline and steph. we went to flush, atc, sugartown, and love garden, plus some other random places for food or clothes-looking. it was a lot of fun. i got a corduroy skirt/pi from madeline for my birthday and stephanie got me a bunch of underwear and a gift certificate to pts. yay! i had a great time hanging out with the girls and all that and the food was good. plus, madsee and i got to hold hands during lunch.. even though mom was there. because mom sat at a different table. but it was nice cuz i would’ve hated the “longing glances” usually associated with she and i being around mom. aagh.
on my ACTUAL birthday, monday, sarah and i hung out after school the whole night. we went out to burger king to get food and then we couldn’t take the music there anymore so we went to best buy to play. and we made fun of all of their movies and dvds and we did yoga in the aisles (that is i did) and then we made up a dance “the sloan” in the cd section and then we went and performed it. when we were done, tyler called and so we did a drug deal in the parking lot. whee. except it wasn’t really. but it was. after that we went to a fat wreck cords concert at washburn and watched the bands play. the flipsides were pretty good and the real mckenzies rocked.. but i liked rise against the best. call me a fucking emo kid 🙂 they’re all political and sorta emo-core-ish. rock on! i got their t-shirt and their album and then we went to silver lake to see madeline. seeing her two days in a row is nice.
i think i’m a lot happier when i hang out with sarah a lot. she’s such a wonderful girl and she’s the greatest friend. i hope she’s always around because i wouldn’t know what to do without her.
Well, I had a mental breakdown today in class- but that’s okay because I’m all better now and stuff. I think (heh heh) I felt kind of dreary and shit during 5th hour so I went to mr. ransones office and we talked all through that hour then I went to 7th hour and just started bawling… so i went back to his office. oh well… the whole time i was there i was thinking “I just wish I could pull Sarah out of band to talk to me… I really need to talk to her cuz she IS MY BEST FRIEND! And she’ll be there for me.” Gosh, it’s nice to have a best friend thats a girl.
Let’s see… anyways my breakdown was NO fun AT all but I’m better now, of course, I still wonder why I cry. And it really freaked me out because… okay yesterday in english (7th hour) I got really bored, so i like… scratched my arm until it burned, and then I stopped and it was kinda swollen and it was cool and gross lookin this morning but it was just something i did and then today i was walking to mr. ransones office from class and i just started scratching my hand…
I don’t know how the pain of having your hand burn/bleed works but it does… it just kind of calms me and I know its bad and stuff, but i’m not doing anything to terribly serious and i would never do drugs and by now all you peeps should know my theories on alcohol…
But I really thought that this was something experimental but when i was scratching below my ring finger today, my head was totally cleared and i didn’t hafta focus on the other things… I suppose I need to go now…
THREE YEARS AGO
::PHONE RINGS::
“Hey…Jacob…”
“Hold on a second, let me go get him…”
“Okay, sure. Thanks.”
“Hello?”
“Hey…Jacob… this is Jessica…”
“Jessica who?”
“From Emily’s party and your church that day…”
“Oh, yeah…”
“Um… well, school just got out for spring break and stuff but ya know, I got really bored and Sarah’s away on vacation so I can’t call her and I was just thinking about what you said…”
“What did I say?”
“the thing about you never having a good…..”
“Oh that…”
“well…. wanna come over?”
“sure” — dream incident that i’ve never reported on before, strange shit
***
“I’ll do you a favor if you do me a favor…” — real life incident on the bus
Hmm, well now… wasn’t that interesting! I’m so bored out of my mind right now… I had to make these dumb little “Pots de Creme au Chocolat” for French class tomorrow (DAMN MARDI GRAS!) And they turned out really good (heh heh) so i hate a lot of the dough crap. yummy yummy but now i Have a tummy ache.I talked to JOshua on the phone tonight. He’s very cool, and I love the way him and Kim are. They are so… there and together and shit. Although, he says that they go in these little cycles. They’ll be all mushy mushy for a while, then they get sick of each other and barely talk, then they miss each other and get back together. He says that someday she’ll be like “lets get married” and he’ll just be like “Sure” and that’ll be it. I remember back when i used to have that kind of assurance. Now I have barely any assurance in anything. I’m completely unsure of my sanity cuz i lose my grip on it every coupla days, and my grip on relationships (romantically and otherwise) I always feel is slipping away but then i think that it’s just my imagination.It prolly is. I dunno though, i feel like most of what I tell my mom is a lie, and some of it is but I do tell her the really important stuff. She always used to tell me as a child that I could tell her anything and she’d understand but somewhere in my translation of that i took that to mean REALLY BIG THINGS and I now neglect to mention that tiny things that tend to be oh so important
I think part of my gums fell of. Heh heh, it hurt really bad when it happened… maybe i’ll call the Bubblicious company and complain no, don’t feel like it. Grr… Wrestling is pissing me off!
Now– my gum is really hurting, mostly because of this lack of skin on it. Not to mention…. Jessica can’t seem to make the pain stop because her damn tongue won’t stay out of the skinless place in her mouth… rarr… it burns really really bad
Oh well 😛 I hafta go now, ciaoz baberz…much love to you..
