Category: Journal

Rock star collars…
and
Platform shoes.

It’s really really nice to have people there that care about you. It just sucks when they are boys and mostly they are only boys. Outside of my CLOSEST girl friends (less than 5) there really aren’t that many girls just all out THERE for me. Plus, this week Sarah got mad at me because I was talking to TannerBoys are so incredibly complicating- I swear, i can’t stand them!!! Grr! Oh well, I suppose I’ll be okay, maybe. heh heh. I had another STRANGE dream last night but I don’t particularly remember much of it.I keep thinking about what Gabe and what he said to me yesterday. We had so much time that we spent together and we were such an important part of each others lives. ya know? I still cry over the song Crazy and it sure the hell doesn’t feel like I”m gettin’ over him- but I do think that he’s grown a lot as a person. I think we both have. But I know I flirt with him sometimes at school and I don’t know how to tell him what I’m thinkingProlly because I don’t know how to tell myself what I’m thinking. I wish I could explain to him but usually I just hear a song and am like “OH MY GOSH! THAT”S EXACTLY WHAT I’M THINKING!” but he doesn’t relate to that. Grr! BOYS! They create so many problemsI’m so happy with Colby that going back to Gabe isn’t even an option at all, but I miss him so much. Just the way he was when he was good and everything.. but even if we did get back together Allison would get really upset and stuff and/or his family wouldn’t approve of it at all. So, I’ll just be here without him and having him hate me for still crying even though he thinks I don’t like him anymore. The truth is… I like to many guys and it isn’t that I prefer gabe over colbyThe thing is- I hafa see gabe EVERY SINGLE DAY for 7+ hours at school and I only see Colby about 1 (passionate and wonderful) hour a day. It’s just hard to focus on the good when the obvious is right in front of your face.I wrote a song during church today.

You are my Jesus boy… you’re lying on a bedly cross.

Oh dear… last night I had some FUCKED UP dreams. Okay.. in the first one… Colby and I were walking along somewhere and he decided that he wanted to go for the whole PDA thing, so him and me went into this glass ATM booth- much like the one in Lawrence only bigger- and he started to take off his pants and stuff and then he wanted me to give him head but I was like “I am NOT doing that! Not here!” And so he was like “okay” and we started to makeout and stuff and then I started to kind of give him a handjob or whatever and this security guard walked by and we got in a bunch of trouble- luckily he let us off with just giving a warning to Colbster and paid no attention to me.

So then… I go walking back to the place that I was staying and all of the women in my family are sitting around a poker table talkin’ and eating. So I join them and I tell them the Brian getting trashed story and then they all laugh and my mom makes up some shit about “well, isn’t that great to hear coming from my child” which is how I know it’s a dream because in real life she wouldn’t even know about my hatred towards liquid poison. Anyways… Everyone starts to leave and so I’m just hanging around and there are a bunch of boys and girls I know and it’s kind of like a boarding house type place-

The type of place a scary movie takes place in.

So then Gabe is there, and him and me start talking and stuff and we’re just hangin out and stuff and he started to make a pass at me. Like, he kept saying “You and me should go upstairs and hang out” and then he was all winking and shit and if you know gabe you know what that means although—

THE CHILD CAN’T WINK @ ALL! seriously… he doesn’t understand the concept or something but no one has the heart to tell him.

Okay so he’s winking and stuff then he asks Mr. Bushnell (the sponsor there for some reason) if he can sleep upstairs and I’m supposed to do the same, only… the whole time he’s talking to Mr.B I’m standing there like… “No No No I do not want to go up there with you! I don’t want to do this! I”m not gonna ask.” But Gabriel just pretends not to hear me. So it isn’t looking like he’s gonna get permission so I go downstairs and I”m talking to Ann and Sara M. (the ex-girls of Gabe) and they take a shower in the closet (it was s dream… dont’ ask) and so then I go back upstairs and gabe starts bugging me about going all the way upstairs with him, but even though I’m mad at Colby in the dream… I don’t want too.

It’s just not worth it at all, ya know… fucking things up with everyone like that doesn’t seem like my idea of fun- not to mention I’d already been caught screwing around once and I didn’t want that to happen again.

G2G

My problem with that song has officially moved into a class A obsession. Someone call the FBI because I can’t stop listening to my favorite song, it’s all I do– and I”m not lying. Honestly between worrying and cussing out baseball I do nothing but listen to the song “Unemployed Boyfriend” by Everclear. So many times I totally wish that a guy would just come up to me and say that and not be lying but the truth is– every guy you could ever meet has some flaw somewhere.

No matter how any man seems, he always has that one thing that makes you just want to kill him, and it’ll start out being the cute things that you love about him turning into the retarded things you hate about him, and the things you like so much become the things you despise. It’s like… I dunno… I’ve kind of sunk back into my confusion, but only slightly.

It’s as though I won’t allow myself to admit what I want, and I won’t let myself see the good and the bad in everyone. Ya know, because Gabe has ZERO appreciation for music, but can express himself when he is upset. Colby has this great music thing going on and can express himself through songs but sometimes it’s what you say out of rhyme that really matters. Then there’s Brian, whom I do not know well enough to judge one way or the other, yet from the day we met we’ve always agreed on stuff and I would hate to mess that up. I really really care about him because he’s an awesome person.

From what I hear, he really likes me a whole whole lot and stuff- I heard this from Billy which is another story- and anyways, so he likes me a whole lot and I used to like him but there is no way that things would ever even kind of work between us until we can both drive. Other than that though, we seemed for awhile like we were leading parallel lives but in the reality of everything- he knows billy, which is extremely upsetting because he loses his confedentiality clause and all of that stuff because he has a connection. And I can NOT believe that Billy said I should go out with Brian, i mean— he KNOWS that I’m going out with Colby! And I am sincerely happy being with Colby.

Sometimes though- and no body take this the wrong way- I kind of feel like me and Colby are starting to fall into the trap that him and Michelle and Me and Gabe were in- ya know? It’s like totally just a sexual thing and we don’t even hear each other when we talk anymore. I dunno, maybe it’s all me because I don’t know if this is what he’s feeling at all, but I wish there was just some way to get this crap overwith- because back before it started to get all sexual, man, it was awesome! I was basically the happiest I have been in a while.

Ya know what I hate about guys??? They are only truly expressive when you hurt them. The only time they are REALLY TRULY HONESTLY who they are inside is when they have tears rolling down their faces and I don’t like to make them be like that but it’s like… after you hurt them… after they are gone… after you can’t see them again… suddenly they are willing to open up. People keep so much shit from each other in relationships because the other member of the relationship always gets all freaked out when the other person says the whole “We need to talk” thing.

I read the 4 entries in Colby’s on-line diary today that were about Michelle and he wrote a letter in there to her that was actually just a note that he had actually given her, but he was so incredible expressive and I wish that we just had times like that again where we totally opened up to each other and it wasn’t this sexually exasterbated relationship that no one really needs. People say that sex is all good and stuff but the actuallity of it is — it ruins stuff. I feel like it’s really messing up a good thing. But I don’t know what to do about it.

I know why people end their lives. It is not because they see no way out, it’s because they have a release that they can’t express. The things they’ve been told to do all of their lives are no longer of worth to anyone. i.e. my writing and my reading are a total release to me, beyond anything else at all, and now mom is mad at me because I don’t wanna swim at seaman! I AM NOT FUCKING ATHLETIC! GET OVER IT! I hate the way she gets like this. Suddenly I”m not worthy because I don’t swim, ya know what- the bitch needs to accept me for who I am and not just decide who I am supposed to be for me- because that is not how it’s going to work here. GOlly- I’m quitting Wednesdays… the day I wake up on another Wednesday is the day I get hit by airplane and win the lottery (not necessarily in that order). heh heh… Well, I need to get away from this CPU right now… I’m gonna play with some javascript crap. You’ll see later. Ciao babers

I love you, do you love me? I love you and not in a friendly way, although I think we’re great friends. And not in a misplaced attraction puppy dog way although I’m sure that’s what you call it. I love you, very simply, very truly. You’re the epitome of everything I’ve ever looked for in another human being and I know you think of me as just a friend and crossing that line is the furthest thing from an option you’d ever consider. But I had to say it, I just can’t take this anymore, I can’t stand next to you without wanting to hold you, I can’t look into your eyes without feeling that longing you only read about in trashy romance novels, I can’t talk to you without wanting to express my love for everything you are. And I know this will probably like queer our friendship, but I had to say it cause I’ve never felt this way before and I don’t care, I like who I am because of it. And if bringing this out tonight means that we can’t hang out anymore then that hurts me but God I couldn’t allow another day without getting it out there regardless of the outcome, which by the look on your face, is to be the inevitable shoot down and you know I’ll accept that but I know, I know that some part of you is hesitating for a moment and if there is a moment of hesitation then that means you feel something too and all I ask is that you please not dismiss that and try to dwell on it for just 10 seconds. There isn’t another soul on this whole planet who has made me half of the person I am when I’m with you. And I’d risk this friendship for a chance to take it to the next plateau because it’s there between you and me you can’t deny that. Even if we never talk again after tonight please know that I am forever changed because of who you are and what you’ve meant to me. — Quote from Chasing Amy

::girl sees machine, rolls eyes, nods, plays with buttons:: Well, I spent an accumulation of about 15 minutes waiting for dad to get here so that I could see my new car for the first time and then he shows up and I was like “eh, its…nice” but then I got inside and there are all of these neato buttons and crap and so i played with all of them for a while.
Anyways, I was semi-upset at first because I was like “Oh dear…there’s only 5 presets for the radio station.” but then I remembered I DON”T HAFTA PROGRAM IN 97.3 THIS IS MY CAR DAMMIT!! Woo-hoo! So that out of the way, I’m trying to decide which stations are gonna be programmed in… cuz TECHNIALLY i only like one. but i need to scour the house for my car adapter so that i can get my cd player all jimmied up in there. Heh heh…jimmied was a vocabulary word a couple weeks ago. I was like HELLO! LIKE WE DON”T KNOW THIS WORD! but oh well, you can’t blame mr.calderwood for teaching a boring subject.
Mr. Riley used to teach English…I bet he was a GRRREAT teacher and all the girls in his class wanted to fuck him…i mean…they wanted to take his class again so they could learn more
Heh heh
Acutally, I don’t want to do THAT with Mr.Riley, i did that in a dream once and Dream Colby is a LOT better than Dream Riley because I had to instruct Dream Riley what to do and it pissed me off. Oh well, I have WeIrD dreams! heh heh. Well time for me to go sit in my car and play with the buttons again. Ciao people

They have WAY to many strange holidays. Did you realize that today is “Kinky Exploration Day”? Honestly, and I don’t even get to go to that concert tomorrow to celebrate!!! Darn!
I was talking to my mom today about why I can’t go to the concert and she was like “where is it?”
I just kind of got this look on my face and mumbled “Horton…”
She was like “NO! You are not going there! There are all of those drunk people from the Casino!”
I was like “Colby’s grandparents live a block away from the place the show is at! Why can’t you let me go!” She wouldn’t let me at all and so then I was like “Well, what about the next show!”
she said that we can cross that bridge when we come to it’
so I told her that “you should let me go now so that I get way into the local music scene here in topeka and I won’t go very far away to college. Ya know, it’s either concerts in Kansas now, or Concerts in Anaheim in 4 years, and you think they they drink at concerts here–which i might add they don’t–you should wait till I get to Cali. And talking about “it’s in a bad part of town!!! Los Angeles is a bad part of the world!”
She told me that we were done discussing it and that we would talk more about it later, of course I didn’t drop it right away and she started going off about “how much it hurt me to not be able to go into the doctor’s office with you today”
::rolls eyes::
SHE IS SUFFERING FROM SEPARATION ANXIETY because I went into the check-up room alone! GOSH! I think I’m just gonna let Colby do what he wants to which is Pick me up and take me… hell… they’ll know where I am heh heh I mean, honestly, it’s not something I would prolly do, but i could. I sincerely thought about doing that during the battle of the bands but I dunno if i could do that to them….hmm…well i should be going on account of Colby’s online and i really wanna talk to him.

As tradition says on Valentine’s Day boys give there sweethearts a dozen roses, but yesterday guess what Colby gave me? A DOZEN COKES!
He’s so sweet! Gosh, I love that boy to death.
Yesterday Gabe and I sort of worked things out but then I think we messed things up today because I said some shit about him and Nicole not going out and I guess he took it the wrong way, but I also kinda sorta think that i meant it the wrong way. Oh well, I’ll send him a letter or e-mail or something, I don’t really know for sure but I want things to be “good” again, but thinking about it- I wonder if they ever really were good. Because, there was so much crap that happened that was not good, but I don’t really know about much of it is in my head ya know? Oh well, I’m gonna go for now cuz I’m bored with this shit.