Category: Journal

If you know where to stand then you’ll know where to land… said Mable to the forest creatures. And finally I feel like I’ve found a foothold on the tree of life and I’m gonna do everything in my power to keep myself the way I am. There isn’t a damn thing that I’m gonna let push me over the edge. I just hope I stay like this because I don’t wanna be the way I’ve been the last couple of days.
Tonight I went to the Freshman boys basketball game and we lost in a heartbreaker, and if I liked basketball I may actually care, but since I don’t I’m just semi-upset because of the romance of it all. That’s my phrase… “the romance of it all.” Oh well though
Anyways, Gabe and I had a chance to talk at the game and it was nice just to kind of be friends again, gosh I forget how cool he could be when he really was there for me sometimes. I make him out to be the big bad wolf all the time, and I mean, sure, he was never prince charming, but he wasn’t the troll under the bridge either…he was taller than that (lol).
No, I’m kidding. He’s a good kid, just immature. Which brings us back to WHY I LOVE COLBY!!! He’s so incredibly mature and wonderful and romantic and everything. Aww… here I go bragging about my WONDERFUL boyfriend!!! I love him so much! gotta go

Yes, it’s a sleepless night to be followed by a dayless sleep. The cycle repeats itself. But this time I didn’t even have an excuse for not being tired… i did not eat all the coffee icecream like last time. Who know what it is?

Maybe it’s what Brian said. We were talking about the time I almost killed myself and he said “Don’t ever think like that again…if not to keep from killing yourself then because if you were gone a part of me would die.” Isn’t that so cool?

The time I was gonna kill myself was a bad experience. Of course, how could it not be? I had been home alone all day the time that my dad was in the hospital and I was SO depressed. I just couldn’t kick it and this was before the Prozac…even though that shit doesn’t work at all. I think I’d do better on a sugar pill. Got an appointment with my physician this week though so we’ll see how things go.

anyways…i got out my motrin and counted them…then I set a time and i don’t remember when it was it was after 5 sometime and I said that if my mom didn’t call back and say that Gabe could come over by that time i would kill myself… actually I wasn’t going to kill myself… just attempt to. As i was saying… It was getting very close to that time and I started to pace around the dining room debating on whether or not to get to the liquor cabinet so i could be “ready”. Finally, the phone rang. and gabe could come over.
So then I decided that if he didn’t get there by 6:15 I would kill myself. and i wanted him and his mom to find me. It couldn’t be my mom it had to be him and his… so I decided how I would do that if it got to be 6:15. My mind was torn between collapsing into the street or just lying there in the yard. Cuz i wanted the road just for affect but then…what if they couldn’t stop in time and I actually died?!?!?!? So it got to 6:12 and they pulled in. THREE MINUTES BEFORE!!!!!
SO i didn’t kill myself. And that’s a GOOD THING!!! But see the thing was that i really didn’t want to die. i just wanted to see what the affect of my death would be. Because I didn’t think anyone would really care. I’d be like that “quiet girl that carries the packages.” in WHAT WOMEN WANT (—gay ass movie! DOn’t see it!) ya know. I wanted to know if anyone would care at all. Now i know people would because Sarah and Ali and them watch out for me. I don’t know how much Gabe would’ve cared though

I think that me wanting to do that where he would find me is sort of symbolic because I really felt neglected by him. and i was mad at his mom because she wasn’t going to let him come over and she didn’t understand how much I needed him there at the time. I had kept myself alive all day merely over the thought of getting to see him that night, and then…when I thought I wasn’t going to get to my brain went haywire… it was this uncontrolled thing i started sobbing hysterically and I couldn’t function because I needed someone there…anyone there.

And THAT is a horrible state of mind to be in. I don’t think many people really truly understand how it feels. It’s kind of like the feeling I get when my brother tries to get my parents to take the computer out of my room or when they get mad and want to take the internet away. It’s like I hafta find something that makes me happy and being online where I can talk to all of my friends calms me. i hate it when they try to take this away from me. It’s like they are putting the gun in my mouth because this is my life-source when Colby, Brian, and Josh are gone.

I don’t know why Josh and I have gotten so close all of a sudden. I guess we just kind of started talking and like we’re very alike… the only difference is he is the way he is and is shunned for it and I am the way he is and no one knows because I hide sort of because I don’t think I hide, I just don’t know who I am. but like I said in the song I wrote today “when you knock i’ll open the door because you’re teaching me what that damn handle is for”<-that’s about COLBY by the way… the lyric is kind of summing up the way slowly, my REAL friends are showing me who I am. It’s really cool of them. Well, I”m gonna go attempt to sleep now. Loves and kisses

Well just when the world starts looking down– it spins on it’s axis and suddenly you’re facing the sun again. Nicole and Allison and I are friends again! Woo-hoo! For the first time in a week, I have been able to be around them without this strang tension. GOD I WELCOME IT! Finally my world has returned to Happiesville!

Of course, I have this underlying fear that the world is gonna spin around again and I won’t be able to see light again for a week. My life is so full of ups and downs that you might think that I come to expect them. But I don’t! I just want things to be okay again.

Also, I got a new magazine today! AND GUESS WHO IS ON THE COVER?!?!?! Gwen Stefani! yea! Hence the Gwenabe title of this entry. Becuase it’s a cool name. Woo-hoo! Golly I’m hyper. Oh yeah, that’s right…my 3rd piece of GOOD news NEWS news! They invented a new type of Pad! Guess what it’s for?!?!?! THONGS!!! Woo-hoo! I CAN WEAR THONGS DURING MY PERIOD AGAIN!.. sweet splendid heaven.

I would now like to send my deepest apologies to any males reading this entry.

Okay, grr…i’m having a GREAT day! Except that I have math and I’m putting it off… but that’s okay. I’ll get it done… MAYBE 🙂 Hmm… I need to do something that’s a fun time right now. Let me think let me think let me think. I wanna call COLBY because I love him.

IT’S GREAT TO BE YOUNG AND A YANKEE!
Joe DiMaggio

Well I am sort of out of things to say right now. I’ll add some crap some time later. Maybe 🙂 Loves and kisses

SO LIFE IS GOOD FOR ABOUT FIVE FUCKING MINTUES AND THE NEXT THING YA KNOW… DEATH IS UPON US… LOOMING… LURKING… SMIRKING AT YOU… IT LEAVE YOU INCOMPASSITATED TO DEAL WITH LIVING… FUCK THIS PLACE OKAY? I’VE ALREADY DISCUSSED MY HATRED IN THE WORLD OKAY.. THERE IS NOTHING MORE I CAN DO! i HAVE ALL OF THIS ANGER ANGER ANGER ANGER.. WHERE IS TRENT REZNOR WHEN YOU NEED A RELEASE??? WHY CAN’T JOSH GET ONLINE AND WIRE OVER A RAZOR? WHAT PART OF YOUR BRAIN CONTROLS THE FEELINGS THAT MAKE YOU ACT LIKE THIS. I THINK I’M GOING TO BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF GABE AT SCHOOL TOMORROW BECAUSE THE TRUTH IS… HE’S A SHY LITTLE ASSHOLE THAT MAKES GIRLS CRY OKAY. AND YA WANNA KNOW SOMETHING ELSE??? OKAY FINE WHAT THE FUCK SO I CAN’T SAY IT… DAMMIT I WANT TO I WANT TO I WANT TO I WANT TO HURT HIM LIKE HE’S HURTING ME RIGHT NOW. i AM NEVER EVER NEVER EVER NEVER EVER MAKING ANOTHER PROMISE LIKE THAT AGAIN!!!! NEVER SO I HOPE YOU PEOPLE WILL GET IT THROUGH YOUR HEADS THAT I’M JUST GONNA DO WHAT I CAN AND I AM not IN THE MOOD TO DEAL WITH ANYTHING RIGHT NOW. HMM… I’LL HAFTA USE THAT TOMORROW AGAINST THE POOR BOY. BECAUSE YOU KNOW WHAT HE SAID???? HE TOLD ME HE LOVED ME! dAMMIT! HE LOVED ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME! WHY CAN’T HE LOVE ME AGAIN! i WANT HIM BACK I WANT HIM BACK I WANT HIM BACK I WANT HIM BACK I WANT HIM BACK I WANT HIM BACK I NEED HIM AND I DON’T CARE IF HE WAS CONTROLLING I NEED TO BE CONTROLLED BY HIM I NEED HIM TO PUSH ME AROUND BECAUSE I CAN’T JUST LIE THERE AND BREATH ONE MY OWN SOMEONE HAS TO BE MAKING ME PRETEND THAT I AM. I FELT LIKE HE WOULD ACTUALLY BE THERE FOR ME… AND HE THOUGHT I ACTUALLY WASN’T LAUGHING FUCK PERIODS. i AM GOING TO DO AN EMERGENY SURGERY ON MYSELF— I’M REMOVING MY FEMALE PARTS BECAUSE I WANT THE WORLD TO THINK I’M EMPTY JUST LIKE I FEEL AND I HOPE THEY ALL READ THIS AND I HOPE… FUCK WEARING PAJAMAS TOMORROW I’M DRESING IN ALL BLACK AND I’M WEARING RED EYESHADOW ALL OVER MY FACE TO MAKE IT LOOK LIKE MY EYES ARE BLEEDING… GOOD… I HOPE IT LOOKS LIKE THAT!!! I’M SO ANGRY AND PISSED OFF AT THE WORLD. THE ONLY THING I FIND SOLACE IN IS FORBIDDEN. AND MY LIFE IS LIKE A FUCKING EPISODE OF DAWSON’S CREEK!!! OKAY WELL IF IT IS… WHEN DO I GET TO GO BUILD A BOAT AND SELL OFF INTO THE SUMMER ON IT? WHAT IN THE HELL AM I GOING TO DO THIS SUMMER? I BELIEVE THIS SUMMER IF LAST EVEN THAT LONG WILL BE NOTHING AT ALL JUST ANOTHER TIME OF NOTHINGNESS BECAUSE I CAN’T GRADE MYESLF WHEN THERE ARE NO GRADES COMING IN! PARANOIA PARANOIA EVERYBODY’S COMING TO GET ME… BUT I DON’T CARE CUZ THE VOICES SAY THAT IT DOESN’T MATTER…. DO I MAKE MYSELF A VICTIM AND IF I DO THEN WHY? WHY DID SHE SAY THAT BECAUSE SHE’S THE ONE THAT IS A BITCH AND I HOPE THEY ENJOY FUCKING UP MY LIFE… WOO HOO… WOO HOO… GOT MY HEAD CHECKED… HEH HEH… SCARED THE DOCTOR… I WANNA BE SEDATED… BUT THEY KEEP TRYING TO USE THAT DAMN PROZAC AND IT DOES NOT FUCKING HELP A GOD DAMN THING. I NEED SOME SERIOUS NINAGE RIGHT NOW AND I WANT TO GO AND JUMP UP AND DOWN AND UP AND DOWN AND UP AND DOWN AND UP AND DOWN …. NO ONE SHOULD HAFTA READ THIS… BUT I HOPE THEY DO I HOPE THEY ALL DO.. THIS IS LIKE THAT MOVIE “bOYS DON’T CRY” CUZ THE TRUTH!!!!!!! is!!!!! BOYS DO CRY AND THEY SHOULD CRY AND ONLY GUYS THAT DO CRY AND DO NOT MAKE ME CRY ARE WORTH MY TIME AND GABE MADE ME CRY SO MUCH!?!?!?!?!? WHY DOES MY BODY STILL THINK HE’S MINE??? I DON’T WANT HIM AT ALL I JUST… GRR… RARRR..GRR…RARRR WELL I’M GOING TO GO NOW BECAUSE I DON’T WANT TO GET SOMEONE ALL PISSY AND FUCKED OFF ABOUT ME TRUTH BEING TOLD… I DON’T CARE WHAT ANYONE CARES ABOUT. GRR… BYE
JESS— BYE THE WAY…. YOU HAFTA USE THE FUCKING BACK BUTTONS ON YOUR BROWSER BECAUSE I REFUSE!!!!!!! TO GIVE YOU PEOPLE A LINK BACK.. YOU’LL GET ONE EVENTUALLY WHEN I GET THROUGH MY THING… I THINK I’LL RIGHT A LETTER TO SOMEONE RIGHT NOW. HOPEFULLY NOT ALEXIS. ALEXIS IS A WHORE. SHE IS! AND DON’T THINK THAT I’M LYING AND BEING MEAN ABOUT IT… SHE JUST LET ME RIGHT SUICIDE NOTES TO HER AND SHE NEVER TOLD ANYONE… NOPE… NEVER… SHE SHOULD’VE I MEAN… GOSH IF SHE WOULD’VE I WOULDN’T HAVE GONE THROUGH ALL OF THIS CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP… I NEED TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO DRESS LIKE DEATH. I WISH I REALLY KNEW SOMEONE KNEW ALEXIS. IF I DID (OR ACTUALLY I THINK THAT MAYBE I DO) I’M GONNA BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THEM JUST FOR RUINING ME LIFE. PARTY IN A PIGEON HOLE.
ALL YOU PSYCHOTIC ANALYSIS PEOPLE… I HOPE THAT YOU READ THIS AND THEN MAYBE **CROSSES FINGERS** MAYBE YOU’LL FINALLY UNDERSTAND THAT MUSIC DOESN’T MAKE PSYCHOTIC KILLERS IT HEALS THEM BECAUSE I DO SOLEMNLY BELIEVE THAT WITHOUT MUSIC I’D PROBABLY KILL MYSELF… AND I’VE MOVED ON FROM THE DAMN PILL THEORY NOW! YAY! ADVANCING TO BIGGER BETTER THINGS… BECAUSE FOR THAT TO WORK I’D HAFTA TAKE ALCOHOL AND ALCOHOL IS EVIL. HEH HEH LIKE I CARE NOW? i HAVE TO GO GOOD BYE

Well it finally happened– I saw Castaway. Man, I thought that I would hate that movie but it was SO GOOD! I’m just in awe of the whole entire thing… because it was just amazing. There is no other way to describe it except the way that I described it to Brian: “Rivetting…”!

From what I understand though, that was the only good thing that happened in my family last night. My parents are stil together 🙂 Woo-hoo! Although, when my mom started to tell me what she did I got that feeling in the pit of my stomach that I get when I think she’s gonna tell me something is wrong and I’m gonna hafta pretend like everything is okay. That feeling sucks. And people are gonna say “You don’t hafta pretend that everything is okay.” And I can just go tell them to shove it up there ass because that’s what I do.

I sit there and read “Send Me Down a Miracle” by Han Nolan like I did during the winter of ’99 when my dad allegedly went hunting on his own and told mom he was going with mike. I dont’ know what to believe. Because, my dads clothes looked like they do when he had been hunting but I don’t know. And the truth is— I’d rather not know.

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if my parents told us what Brian’s parents told him… “We’re just having some major problems” but then I doubt I would want that either. I’d probably be more fucked up now if they had told me not. But who knows, maybe Colby and I wouldn’t have made out in my basement on the Cursed Day of Lies. Maybe I could’ve found out who I was before I went and made these three guys wait for me.

Because it’s not fair to any of them. And I HATE MYSELF because of what I did to Gabe. I suppose he did hurt me a lot of the time too…but still, it’s just I mean– I kissed Colby. I could’ve screwed Kevin and Gabe wouldn’t have cared as much. But ya know, I really do love Colby, and at the time I didn’t love him but I was honestly attracted to him in an emotional/physical way and there was such a major connection going on that both of us could feel it. So I wasn’t using Colby to get back at Gabe at all. I just kind of fell for Colby and there was nothing anyone could do about it. Because the turth is– Colby is an awesome guy. and like I said yesterday- he does make me so happy.

Oh gosh! I just typed the date on this thing and… it’s February 11th. I think that I could cry. Ya know what happened last Feb. 11??? I found out Gabe liked me. One year ago all of this shit started. Dammit… I can’t take this… I need to go talk to someone because it’s just a rough day now, and I forgot. Shit…I hafta survive this without Colby.

Well as you can see… my life has it’s zest back, and February 11 is a good day again. You ask me why? And I tell you. I remembered that this is not only the day that I found out that Gabe liked me but also–

THE DAY COLBY STARTED TO LIKE ME!!!!

So, even without him here, he has redeemed my day for me! How nice! Oh and I was talking on the phone to Brian today on account of he was the only life-source I could contact today and I told him that “March is coming up which means my favorite holdiay.” And guess what he said!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? That’s right: THE IDES OF MARCH!

I was like “What did you just say?” because NO ONE knows what the Ides of March is. And then he told me and I was like OH MY GOSH!!! THIS GUY KNOWS WHAT THE IDES OF MARCH IS? and then he was like “why is the day ceasar was killed your favorite holiday?” and I said “cuz it’s the day I’m getting married” which he thought was weird that i picked a wedding date before a suitor, but you hafta know these things. right?

Okay…anyways today I went to the mall (another reason why the 11th is redeemed.) But it was actually a not so great experience…it was just being there that was good. Anyways… so we go there so that Devon can get new shoes. and we go in Timberland and there is this guy there and he’s just like totally all hanging out by us and waiting on us hand and foot (shoe store… foot, heh heh heh) and I made some stupid comment about how Adidas Superstar’s aren’t the type of shoe I would play basketball in and I was wearing my supercomfy Sketchers sneakers and i go… they’re like these shoes.. you just put them on and go. Great for shopping. This guy almost died of laughter. It was **quite** amusing. But I suppose that he is pretty cute. Of course… No one even semi-compares to MY COLBY!
I am such a hopeless romantic. But that’s okay— at least I’m something 🙂

I went to Hot Topic today and Gadzooks. Colby doesn’t like Gadzooks though because he says that it turned into a girls store. But type=”button” value=”HELLO!” =”alert(‘I AM A GIRL!’)”> so it’s all good. Anyways they have these PUNK ROCK and ROCK shirts that are so cool. They’re sleevless with like cotton underneath and a mesh thing over it. One of them says “I LOVE (insert British flag here) ROCKSTARS” and then has “I (insert heart here) ROCK” on the mesh thing. and the other says “PUNK Rebels without a cause. LOUD LOUD LOUD. Punk rock lives on” on it and then on the mesh thing it says “PUNK”. They are very cool.

Hot Topic had some pretty cool shirts there too. and underwear is always a bonus! (me with my problem heh heh heh) but really: i need new underwear… I started this week with 2 more pairs than i ended it with. My favorite pair to sleep in got a hole in it tear… I’ll miss my Tigger underwear. Lets take a LINE of mourning

Okay! Gosh My arm is itching really bad! I think I’m breaking out in hives again! I don’t even know why… I’m not upset about anything. And I SURE THE HELL am not allergic to my skittles.. or at least i better not be… if i were i’d just hafta “die” and then become reincarnated as a person that isn’t allergic to skittles… or else i’d spend all of my time looking for a skittle allergy cure. Of course… no one is “really” allergic to anything. For instance— my allergist said that I’m allergic to dog dander. I HAVE SIX DOGS AND THEY NEVER MAKE ME GET HIVES!!! Maybe I have an allergy to life cuz it tends to break me out in hives quite frequently.

Six weeks until Wrestlemania! Woo-hoo! I love WWF… honestly, any girl that does not like WWF should be taken into a field and shot.. It’s VERY ATHLETIC guys wearing nothing but little shorts and baby oil. Then they go and wrestle around in a ring together?!?!? SCORE!! Well whateva gets ya off right?

Ya know what is really interesting? Religions. I bought a book last night called “Spiritualized” and I started reading it and now I’m gonna do an independent study on religions. I betcha Mr. Denny would know about this sort of thing… actually Mr. Martin would too because I’ve been in one of his classes where we learned about that sort of thing. But I don’t think I trust much of what Mr. Martin says. Afterall, his entire curriculum is the EXACT same as Mr. Blanton’s. honestly, you think he could get his own ideas on how stuff works. Eh, oh well… he understands my infatuation with Baseball so he gets an okay grade in my book.

Hmm..I’m bored as hell so I’m gonna go get this uploaded and all that jazz then I’m gonna.. yummy I WANT A SUBWAY!!!!

I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR TODAY!!! Woo-hoo! Party in a box, right? Well I’m extremely bored…and i’m pissed off because I had this page all pretty and stuff and then it went and messed up… oh well.. it was my fault anyways.

I don’t like my hair straightened, cuz FIRST it takes way to long to do then second of all it never looks right. of course, it’s not right cuz it’s supposed to be curly! I do like the way it looks pulled back into a pony-tail but I don’t know if I’ll do that yet. My curly hair bugs me sometimes though

I heard on TV one time that people don’t take women with curly hair seriously, and that is such a lie! I mean , everyone I know takes me seriously because I’m educated and my hair has nothing to do with it at all. But, like, how awful would it be if that was true?

This reminds me to tell you people what Todd h. said two nights ago. I told him about the “Pool Incident” when I was four. And I was telling him how to everyone else it was no big deal, and no one actually heard the life guard say that except for my dad and myself, I didn’t cry at the time or anything, but now… it’s such a bad memory. Ya know? It’s like even as I was telling him I was crying and

IT SUCKED AND MADE NO SENSE AT ALL

But then, what he said in reply to that… it was just awesome. He totally summed up my feelings on the whole issue. He said that “So, you weren’t able to do what you wanted to do then and you decided that that you would never have to miss out on something you wanted to do again?” And as I heard him say that it was like “Woah, that’s exactly how I was feeling.

Who would’ve thought that that event would’ve been so small in an amount of time, but the shame i experienced during it would affect the entire rest of my life. Man…what if every event had that kind of power, or maybe…it does?

Memories are very weird like that though… the way that they stick in your head so clearly sometimes. Like, when I was around 3 and Grandma and Grandpa on my dad’s side would have me spend the night at their house then we’d go stop at the B&B and i’d get vanilla ice-cream in a cake cone and they’d tell me not to bite the bottom off but I always did, and yet they still bought me one the next time i was at there house. I love grandparents.

It sucks that I haven’t had a grandparent since the age of 8. That is another memory that is SO clear in my mind. The day that Grandma Margie died was August 5, 1995 and I remember it so well because it was a Friday and the last day of VBS at Trinity Lutheran Church. Mom told me and I was standing in the dining room next to the movie case, and I just couldn’t grasp the concept, and I cried then, and then I had to get ready to go. Mom said that I could stay home and skip the last day if I wanted but I said that I wanted to go because I wanted to see if we had filled up the entire wall with cans to help the poor african children. So I went over to the neighbors and no one knew yet, and if they did no one said anything. I hate that…

IF SOMEONE KNOWS THAT SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH YOU THEY SHOULD AT LEAST FUCKING SAY “ARE YOU OKAY?”
How hard is that??? but anyways we were in the maroon Toyota Previa and we were listening to Ace of Base and I remember the exact song that was playing.. but I couldn’t tell ya the name of it. And I felt like I was going to cry but then I didn’t. and later at VBS we were all singing around the piano like we did every day and it was like everything going on was so fucking normal and it shouldn’t of been like that. Because things WERE NOT NORMAL and no one seemed to notice, no one seeemed to care. Luckily though I have 8 years of my life that I spent with her, where as Devon only has 4 years with her and only a few days or months with the other Grandparents.

I think that I got a lot of the things I enjoy from experiences with my grandparents. Like the way i love to read is because my grandpa harold always used to sit me on his lap and read to me. In fact, I still have my to favorite books that he read to me. One was “the childrens bible” and the other was “baby’s house” Baby’s house should be a classic. It practically is. It’s about 4 million years old and it’s just this little child that looks like a miniature Beaver Cleaver(from Leave it to Beaver) and he went through his whole house and showed us his favorite things in it. It was awesome.

Ahh…reminiscing. ICK I DON”T HAVE MUSIC PLAYING!!! FETCH ME THE CDS NOW!!! okay took care of that… some emergency

SUGAR RAY

That’s a neat name for a band… to name it after one of your role models. However, most of my role models are currently in a band. MOST OF THEM being Lisa Loeb, Art Alexakis, and Gwen Stefani. The two that are NOT in a band are Derek Jeter(as if it weren’t obvious) and Eta Place. Most of you chilluns will not know who Eta Place is and if you don’t know who Derek Jeter is you can go die in a hole because EVERYONE should know who he is… i mean come on he’s a baseball god! Anyways…

Eta Place was a chick that travelled with Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid and like all the documents show that she was really a whore but the movie portrayed her as a teacher. And like despite the laws and what was “proper” in the beginning of last century… she did what she wanted and that’s cool! Even though she was a bank robber

Well, I’m gonna go for now- Well you’ll prolly gets another entry later.

Imagine this: Derek Jeter signs a contract that puts him as a Yankee player for the next 10 years… barring trade or injury. Wow! It’s a total dream come true. How can anything NOT be good right now?!?!

I have the best boyfriend in the world (I LOVE YOU COLBY!) and despite the fact that we are both very opinionated people we both know that the other isn’t gonna back down but it’s cool to have a person that you can actually get in a good debate with. Colby is very cool. Ya know, he’s 16 and he’ll be 17 in march. and I’m 14 and I’ll be 15 in march. so we do have an age difference but that doesn’t matter.

He’s so wonderful and mature about stuff too. He doesn’t get all offensive at stuff and he isn’t possessive. Like when he let me go to Hayden’s dance with Jason because he knew Jason and I are just friends. It’s just so cool to have him trust me like that, and that I can trust him too.

We just have this awesome relationship that goes much much deeper than just kissing. We had been building a friendship since pretty early in the summer and then come winter break we’d been friends for so long and there was no weird time at the beginning of the relationship where we had to get to know each other. Because we already did. This happens to be my first real relationship that was like that.

Not to mention, he takes my mind off of the world, and I’m not using him as a way to forget my problems but instead he’s just there for me, and he helps me resolve my problems. Look at what he’s done here. I was gonna write an entry about Jeter’s new contract and ended up spending 4+ paragraphs on my Colby 🙂 He really does have the key to my heart.

and he makes me so happy

On that note- I’m gonna go.

There are a lot of things that are considered changes. I’ve gone through a lot of them in the past month and a half. It’s like I’ve become a completely different person.

You could’ve asked me before Christmas who my favorite band was and I would’ve said Dream, and now I’ve moved on from that yucky pre-packaged pop and moved on to more of a punk feel. And it’s truly made me happy in most ways. You could’ve asked me before Christmas how long Gabe and I were going to stay together and I would’ve said “forever” and honestly believe that. Now, not only am I not with Gabe, but I don’t really believe in forever. I mean I believe in eternal life and all that jazz but being with someone who is your first boyfriend and all that from the time you are fourteen is nearly impossible.

So Gabe and I broke up a little over a month ago. And I’ve gotten over him totally ya know… but it’s like, after you get over a person, you hafta get over getting over them. Maybe someone will understand what I’m saying. It’s like I’ll say “I’m over Gabe” and this other half of me will be like “No! It can’t be that easy” and there is definitely a little part of me that says “Just go back to him…you know you want to” but the truth is, that part of me tends to lie. Because 99.9 percent of my entire body wants loves needs someone that treats me better than gabe did. Gabe wasn’t a bad boyfriend he just… well, we were just immature, that’s all.

Also, nic and al, who still are some of my favorite people, and I got into a fight over something stupid, and it just pisses me off that i’m not friends with them, honestly, i mean… why are we giving up on this friendship that with nicole has been going on since kindgergarten! MAN IT SUCKS!!! I don’t want it to end.

Last friday I was at this party and I got really pissed off at them because I felt like they weren’t respecting my feelings about Gabe and I wrote this song that was really mean and it said that nicole worships allison which isn’t true, i was just mad and so i wrote that. Then we semi-made up to the point where we were at least friends again and then after i left they read the song. Gosh I was so upset when I found out that they had read that I started crying and shaking and the whole nine yards—

WHAT DO YOU WHEN YOU’RE LOSING YOUR FRIENDS?

then Nicole wrote me a note on Tuesday and I wrote her a reply that I think she took the wrong way. I guess I really wasn’t expecting a note from her when I got it so I was being a little bit pissy in my reply. I said that I’ve been trying my hardest not to defemate her and Al (which is very true, I’m not gonna dog on them, even if they are dogging on me) but then I said that i knew she had called me a ho to Colby and that made me mad too. because I don’t think I’m mad at them, i’m just sad.

And this is the kind of sadness that you just can’t kick. I’ve been like this since at least seventh grade when I came back from Seattle, and it just keeps getting worse and worse and worse. It’s at the point now where when I get depressed I can actually physically feel myself sink. It’s like I’m burried underground and there is barely anything that i can do to dig myself out and i’m hardly ever happy after what happened between nic al and myself.

There are a couple of things that make me happy though. There is Colby who has to be the awesomest guy on the face of the planet, i mean, this guy is so cool that if Derek Jeter and he were both in the same room then I would be all on Colby and Jeter could be doing a strip tease and I wouldn’t even notice. (Well…maybe I’d notice) and even if Colby wasn’t there I would’t let Derek touch me (not just cuz it’s illegal for him to do so).

Gosh, it’s so amazing. I can’t even describe how Colby makes me feel. Nothing else matters when he is there. I crave for the sound of his voice, or just to see him. This is worse than my thing for Keaton, and i was

OBSESSED WITH KEATON
But now I’m not (good thing too!) in fact that obsession lasted around 1 month AT THE MOST and it has had the most diary coverage of any other even next to the gabe thing, but that doesn’t count because the gabe thing was a 8.5 months on 10 page thing and keaton was 1 month to 10+ pages. And I can still see the things in Keaton that I used to like in him, like he’s so…my friends would say cocky… but I think it’s more of a self-confidence thing

Although, I can definitely see cockiness which could very easily be a sign of low self-esteem and Colby isn’t like that. Gosh, i wish I could totally have his attitude and just be like “If you don’t like the way i act, dress, talk…whatever…then fuck you” cuz that’s how I should be I should be like “I’m cool just because I am” but a lot of time I feel like my grades are who I am, and its so hard to figure out that i’m more than just 7 letters on a piece of paper… for that matter it’s just 1 letter 7 times, but when you throw in a B it’s like I think the world is coming to an end. It’s neurotic, but I just can’t break that habit.

The other night I was on the phone with Colby and we talked for a good portion of an hour just about how I’m feeling about all of this crap. It’s such a hard thing to explain to anyone but he understands and even if there are things that he doesn’t understand he is still there for me and very supportive of how I feel. Most importantly, he doesn’t tell me that I don’t really feel like that, and he believes me when I tell him that I’m depressed. Which is one thing I don’t think Nicole or Allison ever did.

We could add Gabe to the list of peoples that didn’t believe me, except that he did believe me that I was depressed he just thought that I was doing it to ruin his life. And we all know ::rolls eyes:: that was what i was doing it for. I wanted him to be the guy who is dating

THE MOST DEPRESSED GIRL IN SCHOOL

He was the type of boy that, like i said earlier, was imature and he had to “in with the in crowd” no matter what that meant…even when he had to use me as a bragging right. It just kind of pisses me off that he never really gave a damn about me. and it also pisses me off that i just took that. Damn, all the times that I wanted to just tell him to go away and never talk to me again. I should’ve listened to myself, but then I don’t know what part of me wanted to keep him. Because my brain was like “He’s using you” my heart was like “He’s mean” I think it was my psyche saying “You gave a lot of yourself to him” that kept me with him for so long, but, man, he didn’t deserve me. And I can say that and not be lying because EVERY person on the planet deserves the upmost respect. another part of me said “well he’ll grow out of it” but… look at his brother

Kevin is 21, from what i understand has the brains to be basically anything he wants to be but yet he spends all of his time drinking and **trying** to get some. Why would one waste there life like that? Or at least he could make himself a good role model. Because Gabe looks up to him SO incredible much. And there is alcoholism in the family so he should be a bit worried about spending \\$80 on alcohol for his 21st birthday… honestly… the child should wake up and grow a brain that is above his neck.

Well enough of my musings…