Category: Poetry

at the bottom of a good high
i always try to hold on
i grab on to anything
and shove pills down my throat
and then I sit around
feeling sort of naked and alone
hoping that the clouds don’t let go of me
stay here because reality isn’t pretty
when i can’t see past my own ugliness
and i need something to hold on to
i need something to hold on to me
so don’t let go

the pills find their way to my stomach
and i’m waiting for the cold numbness to set in
i’m waiting to feel nothing for a long time
and in my head i’m thinking that convulsions are gonna start
so hold on to the ground
and let myself go again
so i’m floating away from you
and i find myself above the earth
and i find you in the back of my head
where are you pretty girl?

these drugs are like a vaccuum
i’m being sucked in again
and i’ve lost all control but i don’t mind
i come back down;
you press your lips to mine
and i’m so high again
you’re like a drug
but you’re more perfect.

my lips on your skin,
the only sound is of light kisses
of promises being made by my lips
to the cells and pores of your body
in silence they whisper may i?
in a fleeting sigh you pose your answer
yes yes yes yes yes
and my eyelids close and reopen
as your hands find their way to my back
and then my eyes dig into your pupils
like a little kid’s spoon into ice cream
our eyes lock on each others
and our gaze becomes the same
its the air in between us
and then there is no air in between us
you taste the way the chrysanthemum’s taste
at the first light of the morning
as sampled by the rising sunshine

looking into eyes that are so far away
just a few more words to make this the worst day
and the saddest words you said to me were:
everything is just a phone call away from ending
six more words to make my point hit home:
i’m sorry. i’m so fucking sorry.

every excuse in the book
won’t pull my foot out of my mouth on this one
choking on toes and my own saliva
i’m looking for words to make it okay again
spending all of these long cold nights
holding on to my dignity
and i just need, someone, to hold on to me

it’s just not working out
i’m sorry i’m letting go.
it has to end sometime but why
why must it end like this?
and you asked the questions
and i made up answers
i got off the phone and cried into my pillow
make these sad thoughts and lonely nights go away

you said i’m fragile
and i shined up my hammer

and someone’s always leaving.

remember when we used to go
out on the town all the time
like two aryan beauties, my god
that was what i wanted
and we’d trip trip trip
and our hands would become each others
then in the morning, we could say one word
and just know what we meant
because of all the memories

and now we’re in the booth
sitting awkwardly next to each other
except for me, who keeps falling out of the booth
and we’re just smiling and living
until you offer me some buiscuit
and i don’t want your fucking buiscuit
so you say “i can’t take your shit anymore!”
and i say “No don’t go!”
and you say “i’m leaving”
and it’s so fucking sad that you’re just gone.

and some girl in the backseat will write a poem and we’ll just know.

it’s like night
so dark and secluded
it’s like right
because of how it feels
your hands in mine
held over my face
into the light
i see your fingernails
is that clear nailpolish?
my nail polish is black
and our hands blend together
from skin to skin to skin
melting skin
your girl hands up against mine
and i feel fine.

you know just what to do
and i know just what to say
we’ve got all the right moves
to make it through
we say “i love you so much”
and we mean it this time,
didn’t we mean it last time?

we’ve got all the right moves
especially you when you’re with me
you know just where to touch
to make me want you so badly
with whipped cream and blue berries
you’re a hot-fudge-sundae dream girl
the best in the whole world

i know what to say to them
so that they’ll be there when you’re not
even though i don’t think that “when you’re not”
is ever going to come, i let them wait
we’ve got all the right moves
to keep each other by our side
and make them stand here too

you know how to keep me controlled
we’ve got all the right moves
i don’t need to look around
because i’ve got all i want right here
the soft end of how you kiss
keeps my feet planted firmly
next to you

i want to stay so close to you
that when our skin pulls apart
the air feels fucking freezing
so we cling back to each other closer
so close that when we say i love you we don’t use words
we only use hands and tongues and softly-uttered-noises
we’ve got all the right moves

you hold me close to you in the darkness
and the moon lights your eyes
they’d sparkle without anything but darkness
i’m so sure of it, maybe the electricity of you and me
we’ve got all the right moves
i kiss you and the fireflies dance
in the sparks of our chemistry they blend in

we’ve been through six stanzas already
some of them are over
some of them are not
but we still hold on to the moments and each other
we’re growing and changing and loving
and most importantly i’m feeling
we’ve got all the right moves

Just over a month ago
I was with you
and I wanted to be
But people would ask who you were
(in relation to me)
and the words ‘my girlfriend’
or ‘this girl i’m dating’
seemed so weird: who dates girls?
so i freaked out,
which is what we’re calling it
because it’s references
should bring up no memories
(i don’t want to remember anyone but you)

Just over a month later
I am with you
wholly and fully
Sometimes they ask who you are
(i’m in the hallway,
you’re on the phone)
and my vocabulary quickly jumps to the world girlfriend
settling on it comfortably,
(but oh if i could settle comfortably on you)
you’re mine and
i’m over heterosexuality
like it’s one of my exboyfriends

right now
I am not with you
physically only
last night I dreamt of you
because you told her we would shrink her down
jealously: ‘but you shrink me down, madeline!’
and i wake up and you’re not here
but you’re somewhere
and that’s the difference.

the walls here are tall
and light blue, reminding me of you
everything is silence
everything is contemporary
but i am just here without you
and i have no idea where you are
or if you’ve tried to find me
i don’t know why you would
but there’s a first for everything
and all of the seats are empty here
except for this one and a few others
oui, je voudrais aller chez toi, et
je voudrais etre ta femme
je t’aime je t’aime je t’aime
the language is of the lovers
and we have ours left undefined
but you’re the lover in these quiet moments
when i am yours and you are mine
when seperately we find ourselves
alone in the company of others
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oui… euh… ou es-tu?
ou es-tu?
can you hear me?
are you there?
i love you.

you
are
parts of me but
i
know
you
on
ly
as
m a d e l i n e
i want to
know you
better
how does your name sound when called
in
the darkness
teach me
with your
carnal knowldedge
know me better
than i
know myself

i feel you pulsing down on me
you’re the gravity and i’m just an apple
falling on to the head of a knight
i wonder if i then got eaten
in the midst of just our game
we’d been playing it for year
and now we’ve been caught
so what do i say but I’m sorry I’ll see you.

and now i’m sitting atop a horse
a scared, but beautiful steed
and here you are, showing your face again
the horse, fucking terrified
removes me from his back launching me into the air
and there you are to force me down again
like “where the fuck have you been?”
you put me in my place
and i look for you but i’m already grounded.

i didn’t mean for it to happen
but i was floating higher than before
my heart was racing and i could touch everything
but where were you with your soft hands?
and then my muscles slowly slid to my stomach,
me feeling it all the time
and i could feel your presence again
soft and forceful, holding me down
i didn’t float but it felt good to be held

so when is it just you and i?
i want so badly to fight for myself
and protect myself from being pushed down by you
so i’ll just roll with you
and i want my chance so soon.

i might just believe in reincarnation