You know what sucks more than Colbie Callait? Nothing.

Jess on March 4, 2008

So I heard for Boston and it looks like Kyle and my options are down to basically just Iowa, so hopefully that works out.  I’m not too worried about it though.  If I get in, then I get in and we’ll explore that option further and if I don’t get in it could be good to have some time to think about things and maybe consider taking the LSAT and trying to go the lawschool route or looking at what some of my other options might be.  I don’t NEED to spend the next infinity years getting a PhD and getting tenured.  It could be good to have a reason to take some time off and get to know me better.

Wedding planning is going really well aside from the part where my computer decided to fuck up randomly because Apple rushed Leopard it would seem.  Kyle and I spent the weekend together and got to talk to his parents about all of our plans which was a big positive step.  Things went really well.  I was sort of nervous at first on Friday night because it seemed like his mom had much bigger plans for what the wedding should be than I did and she wasn’t too forthcoming about willingness to pay for things she wanted that we didn’t necessarily care about.  But then on Saturday we had a mroe formal meeting where we went over a list of things that grooms families usually do and added to it based on what will be best for my parents and the wedding in general for us to pay for things.  It turned out very well… and overall I think the cost of the wedding should be split nearly perfectly down the middle with a little bit of money kicked in from me.  The nice thing about my not having to spend all my money on the wedding is that Kyle and I will have a tiny bit of a nest egg when we get going next year, wherever that will be.

I have been doing much better with finances and saving this semester than ever before.  I think living with Tim really kicked up my responsibility level and those things.  It was good to be basically wholly reliant on myself with the help of a roommate for rent and bills purposes. 

 That is all. My life is more exciting than this, I like to think.  But really, it’s not.

The Dress

Jess on February 25, 2008

Mom and I went dress shopping at David’s Bridal yesterday and found the dress that I’ll be married in in six months.  It’s basically exactly what I wanted.  Actually, it is exactly what I wanted.  I walked through the door and they asked if I had brought in any pictures of dresses that I wanted (I guess because most brides scour bridal magazines, which I have done, and star thousands of dresses they want to wear, which I failed to do).  I announced that I had not engaged in such buffoonery but that I like dresses with this feature, that feature, and a different feature, fully expecting to try on lots of dresses with each feature.  Turns out, one of the dresses that mom and I didn’t pull had all three features and it looked beautiful (and because the three features were things on dresses that flatter my body type, the dress looks like it’s made to make me look pretty).

Trying on dresses was a fun experience for me.  Luckily, mom and i got along swimmingly during it.  I probably tried on eight dresses.  I really liked two that my mom hated.  I really hated two that my mom liked.  By the end of it all we both agreed it was the dress in the middle of my escapade that was “the dress” and now we’re settled.  I wiggled back into the full slip and into that dress and we tried it on with all the veils and the tiara and everything.  It was fantastic.  I think mom and I both teared up a little when we opened our eyes and I had the full veil and dress on and she put the flowers in my hands and everything.  It’s overwhelming.

I can’t wait for Kyle to see me appear at the end of the aisle in all of my wedding attire and know that I’m the prettiest thing in the room.  And I’m so glad that this was just a good moment for my mom.  She seems to be excited about the wedding process and things these days and that’s for the best. If you want to know which dress it is that I chose, you’ll have to comment or email me and I’ll send you an email with a link to the picture.  We’re keeping it a secret from Kyle.

yah, you made me merry.

Jess on February 24, 2008

i’ve been busy, busy, busy, busy.  take, for example this weekend.  friday, i needed to spend all day at the kansas state historical society because i’m a little bit behind on non-interweb research for my history thesis.  i also feel behind on this in general because it’s i am not doing the thesis which i began in 395 which is what most students do… so i would gather that a lot of students are way ahead of where we’re supposed to be while i’m way behind.  a lot of the reason for this is that i’ve simply been impossibly busy and i’m not really in the swing of school because of some snow days and the fact that i only have classes on wednesdays.

so, friday i slept in cos i needed to after two nights of only four or so hours of sleep and then i went to lunch and the library.  i spent three-ish hours on microfilm and then headed to campus to help set up for history day, stopping en route at Livingston’s Bridal which is going out of business and has lots of expensive dresses on super sale.  setting up took about an hour and then we all headed to the bearman’s where we had dinner and i finally asked formally for the children to fill the traditional child roles in my wedding.  after dinner, i headed to work for four hours.  then i came home and tried to get to sleep early (which idnd’t really work out.)

I woke up at 6 to start getting ready to be at campus by 7 or just after for history day.  i spent all of saturday running around and helping out with minor administrative duties of history day.  at that point i wasn’t running anything, i was just like second-level damage control.  but i kept the volunteers coordinated and i think that overall this was a really good history day competition.  in between the morning judging and the afternoon awards ceremony, i headed to barnes and noble to read more DIY wedding books to get good ideas for what i can do more cheaply to subvert the wedding industrial complex.  i then headed back to campus for awards and then ventured home, hoping to get a nap.  the nap didn’t really work out because my mom needed to argue about the wedding again.

i promise you, i am so impossibly stressed out because she won’t just support kyle and my decision to get married now.  she wants us to instead postpone the wedding until sometime in the indefinite future.  this is not going to happen unless for some reason it’s recommended by the clergy.  but the thing is… it’s just driving me crazy this back and forth.  i hate that i don’t even want to be in the kitchen because half the time she’s sane and settled about the wedding and the other half of the time she’s in some crazy rage.  i can’t take it.  and usually i go through life pretending that my relationship with my mom is pretty normal.  i often downplay the things going on at home or wherever to my friends because it’s just easier than trying to explain everything she says or does.  but in the past week she’s just been in a fit screaming at me and treating me like i am a child.  she puts me in ridiculous double-binds, she virtually hates the catholic church, she says terrible things about kyle, and last sunday she basically explained to me that i had already failed at life??a fear that is very real to me right now so it hurt a bit more than when she says things of the sort normally.   i learned at a very young age that it’s best not to take her outbursts personally.  she doesn’t mean them.  she just.  well, she’s bad at expressing what is actually bothering her.  but in the occasional times that she decides to apologize for upsetting me, she’s possibly revealed some of what the issue is.  and i think i get it.  so instead of saying things i don’t mean that are still true, which is my weakness in situations like this, i’ve been trying to just stress while she yells at me how much it is hurting me that she’s not being supportive while i plan my wedding.  and that i really just want her involved in all of the fun things about planning a wedding.

and shes not even doing that, for the record.  i made all the calls about reception sites, i visited the row house, iv’e decided all of the little things about the wedding itself.  it’s not like i’m even asking for help or overburdening her.

so that aside is over.  back to the retelling of my too-busy weekend.

after my failed attempt at a nap, i met reanne at panera for a quick dinner before we went to see a memory, a monologue, a rant, and a prayer… the latest eve ensler monologue series which was performed at washburn this weekend.  it was good, but probably not as good as last week’s showing of the vagina monologues.  and i think it portrayed women as helpless victims in too many situations and never really reached a point where i identified with the woman in the story.  some of the monologues were just effing bizarre. but overall i think it was worth going.

then, i met joey for drinks at buffalo wild wings cos i hadn’t seen him in about a month and a half.  it was nice to see him and i was sorry that our chat couldn’t last longer… but two hours is probably long enough for drinks and shrimp.

today, i need to finish up that outline that’s due tomorrow and i should really write a paper about this journal article called “Men of Columbine” that i sort of disagree with, the documentary “Tough Guise” which I really agree with, and MMPR which i’m not sure fits in with the first two.  Also, i should write a paper about this article called “Talking about Down There” and the Vagina Monologues which I’m already started on, I guess.  Both papers are only 2-3 pages and not due until Wednesday so I feel fine putting them off a bit.  Also, at 4:30 we’re going bridal gown shopping.  Oi.  Wish me luck.

Things on my mind: losing my bi identity as i permanently embrace the world of mono-socio-sexuality, an everburdgeoning fear of the wedding industrial complex which is the scariest place anyone could ever live, and what last name i should have seven months from now??probably an unpunctuated hyphenation, and the imminent arrival of what i presume to be my second rejection letter from a grad school.

sometimes, it’s a wonder i can drag myself out of bed at the morning.  luckily, kyle is wonderful and supportive and engaged in the process of making our wedding happen and preparing for our marriage and i am so happy that he will be in town in like four days.

We set a date!

Jess on February 19, 2008

Kyle and I have finally gone through all of the proper channels to set a date for our wedding!  It is August 30th at Assumption which is the Catholic church at 8th and Jackson!  We have our first meeting with the priest a week from Friday at 9:30 a.m.

Several Accomplishments

Jess on February 14, 2008

So, last night I got home from work and saw mom for the first time since Kyle and I got engaged.  This went poorly, as expected.  For one, she’d alreaedy taken her pain medicine for her hip which was broken in December so she was pretty out of it and more irritable than usual.  We talked for a little while and she got very upset that I want to get married so soon because she didn’t think that would be the case at all and said as much.  Then she tried to talk me out of because of some rational reasons like health insurance.  Eventually we just went to bed in disagreement and I called Kyle.   Mostly, I think, I appreciated her opinions but I was just really stressed out because I want to be planning my wedding and getting excited about being engaged to the person i want to spend the rest of my life with, and its hard to do that when someone keeps telling you you’re an idiot for getting the wedding part over with and moving on to the marriage part.  Also, I want to share this excitement with my mom! I only get one proposal, one ring, and one engagement and I’d be much more satisifed if mom was as excited as I am about all three… and waited a few days to get upset about the date (rather than the 18 hours or so that it took her to express concern). So last night I was pretty upset, but then today things got better.

For one, I talked to my professors about it and they all seem to be in agreement that a shorter engagement is better.  Or at the very least they expressed no concern about my getting married to Kyle so soon.  This was comforting because I think they know me well enough to judge whether or not this engagement will tear me away from my plans for studies in the future, which is another of my mom’s major concerns, and it’s good to have their backing that I’m dedicated enough to get it done.

Also, I called the church so that I could figure out what needs to be done to start setting a date.  They said I’d need to be a registered member so I went there and got that taken care of so we can get on to the date-setting part.  Hooray!  When I got there a group of high schoolers followed me in.  I figured they were like a church youth choir or something getting back from a day of singing valentines.  But then when I told Dolores that I was there to register, she asked if it were a joke.  I said no… and then i was like “oh… they’re not with me.” so she asked what they were there efor and they said they had a singing Valentine.  We all went into the back room where the Father Jon was meeting with some women.  They sang “earth angel” and there was a cute dog who is apparently named Joseph.  Father said “Joseph knew that one cos I sing it to him every night.” which made me smile and know that this is the right church and the right priest for our wedding.  Dolores then told him that I had just shown up to register to be a member and so he stood up and shook my hand and said hi and I explained that I’d been attending for a few years but hadn’t really thought to register but I just got engaged and they told me that I’d need to be registered.  And he said “oh so I’ll be seeing more of you, then?”  It made me super happy.  I’m excited to sit down with Kyle and Father Jon and figure out all the ins and outs of the sacrament I am about to embark upon!

a new blog, for an occasion

Jess on February 14, 2008

I’m sure I’ll still attempt to blog over here.  But I would like to announce that Kyle and I have started a blog for our wedding at http://terrorandbliss.wordpress.com. We’ll both be blogging there and we’ll use it as a general website for a wedding announcement like most people get through eWeddings or some similar site.  It’s all very exciting!  And I’m not going to cross-post here during the wedding planning so you’ll have to follow the story over there for the time being or catch up when it all gets imported after the wedding date which is yet to be determined.  Hooray.

The Wedding Date

Jess on February 13, 2008

When Kyle and I initially talked about getting engaged we made mental plans to have a short engagement and aim for August or December of 2008 based on what the church could do. When mom initially gave permission for the proposal, she was under the assumption that we’d wait to get married for four or five years, basically, until I was done with grad school. Obviously, this is causing a bit of tension at the earliest stages of the planning process. So I thought I’d make a list of some of the reasons that I want to have a wedding now rather than later… in no particular order of importance to me.

1. When Kyle and I discussed whether or when we would get married before the engagement, Kyle said he would rather get married before we start our lives together because he feels like it’s something we just wouldn’t get around to doing if we already experience the benefits of married life, less the tax incentives.

2. I don’t like long engagements. I think they’re silly and they ruin the fun and the excitement. Also, friends who have had long engagements seem to forever postpone their eventual wedding. I think engagement is like a strange purgatory where it’s a little better than dating but not as great as marriage. Engagement exists for two reasons: 1) marriage is something people must spiritually and emotionally prepare for and 2) weddings take plannings.

3. I’m looking forward to a marriage. I want that.

4. Very few friends will have to rearrange their schedules or their position in life to attend a wedding in Topeka this summer or winter. Only two members of the proposed bridal party live out of the Way Greater Kansas City area. This is not exactly the case of the proposed groom’s party but their is currently a massive potential for carpooling from the St. Louis area where Kyle goes to college which will not exist in four or five years. Even if it can be argued that we are likely to fall out of touch with some of our guests in the future, the majority of the people who will be invited in the future will probably be from wherever we relocate. Therefore, instead of having a massive number of guests forced to buy plane tickets to attend the wedding of a local couple (if the wedding were still to be held in Kansas) would be inconviencing and unnecessary. It’s good that the wedding is in-town or a short drive for most of our guests right now.

5. It is paramount to me that I get married in a church I actually attend. For the past three years, I have regularly attended mass at Assumption in Topeka. It is certainly the parrish in which I feel most at home. As Kyle and I relocate in the fall, we will inevitably attend services and become a part of the community of a church in the area of our relocation. Likewise, I will request that a wedding four or five years from now occur at that church outside of Topeka.

6. Even if we were to get married in a Topeka church, we’re not going to live in Topeka at the time that the wedding would be planned. This would mean that my mom would have to take on the bulk of the wedding planning with the fun things like picking out dresses and the like being done from a distance without her involvement. I cherish the opportunity to spend several afternoons at different bridal stores with my mom until we find the perfect dress for me on my wedding day. I think that being apart means that this will be unlikely if not impossible. Both because my mom will not want to take on the role of wedding planning due to her already too busy schedule and because I would feel bad placing that burden on her, Kyle and I would almost have to do what my other friends who got married in Kansas when they lived elsewhere and hire a wedding planner. That adds a lot of cost. Cost is bad.

7. When I’m four or five years older, most of Kyle and my friends will be professionals with actual jobs and incomes while Kyle and I are likely to remain in our financial situation until we’re both out of grad/law school and employed. However, our friends who are not in similar economic situations are likely to appreciate the corners we cut in terms of cost as much. Further, I’ll feel a lot of pressure to add things to the wedding that I wouldn’t have now both because I’ll have been thinking about what I want the wedding to be like and because I will feel like I need to impress people who are well off.

8. Kyle and I want to own property together and it’s easier and safer to do that when we are legally recognized as married.

9. I do not want to cohabitate. I think it’s bad for a relationship when done outside of marriage.

10. I would rather not continue to flirt with the risk of a shotgun wedding.

11. One of the ways Kyle and I plan to save money on this wedding is by cutting costs on things like engagement photos and dj-ing by employing the efforts of friends looking to build work experience or a portfolio or who are just interested in helping us out.  We’re likely to not have this diversity of connections when we’re not fresh out of undergrad.

other than that, mrs. lincoln. how'd you enjoy the show?*

Jess on February 11, 2008

kyle and i are engaged.

this is how it happened. we went to see jack’s mannequin last night in peoria, illinois. we got the tickets a few weeks ago for this show at bradley university that they were playing and i was excited to see them again plus it’s four days shy of the time we saw them last year and a week shy of our anniversary so it was just a good reminder of what is so awesome about being in love with each other. while i had no idea that kyle was proposing to me last night (he told me last week he was gonna ask my parents for permission in the summer… not like over this weekend and he told me friday that he hadn’t bought a ring yet), i knew that this was the time i wanted him to propose. i mean, if i were going to propose to me i’d have done it last night. cos it makes sense. and it wasn’t freezing like the other time i wanted him to propose or thought i would until we were at the top of the mountain and it was so so cold and i just wanted to go back down plus i would’ve passed out there. anyway. so i was watching for clues that it was going to happen last night and he was so calm in the car that i just completely ruled it out. i was positive that a man about to ask a girl to marry him would not be just calm about it and more concerned about where we would park and how we would get in…. so i was sure he wouldn’t do itl. and then…

we got to the university and watched the opening acts and then andrew came on and while he was playing and we were singing along i was thinking about how i wanted to go home and write a poem about the night. this poem which has been completely overshadowed by the later part of this story would’ve included imagery about how my favorite thing about him is that when he wrapped his arms around me during the songs i remembered it as the way i felt when he wrapped his arms around me at the show a year ago in st. louis.

i feel completely at home when he holds me. like i’ve never been safer or happier. i just feel like everything is going to be okay as long as we have each other.

so i was thinking about these things and i was thinking about how great he was and then “our song” started which is Made for Each Other (Parts I and II, cos srsly we can be greedy about our song if we want to and make it 9 minutes… it’s fine). And so it came on and he leaned down and said “I love you” and I leaned back and said “i love you too… i want to be with you forever” and then he said “me too” and he asked “Do you trust me?” and i of course said “yes” and so he was like “Let’s go up to the top” so we climbed up the seating of the athletic arena that we were in and sat down on the very top row. I was still pretty convinced he wasnt’ going to do it. I thought he just wanted to talk or sit for a bit or say that he loved me. Or maybe that he was going to push me off. As a lesson against trust. When we got up there, we sat down. It was a very clear view of the stage and you could see all of these people who were so happy to be seeing jack’s mannequin and that was nice and it was our song but we were alone in a crowded room (mwah-hahaha, references are awesome). and so we listened and then we just kissed in the best way for a little while. and i was about to remark that i felt like a 14-year-old, sneaking back to the back of a concert in a gym to make out with my boyfriend… but as i turned to him i noticed that he’d gotten down on one knee and was kind of fumbling with something and i was like “oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh” in my head. then he said some things and i thought i heard a “will you marry me?” so i said “yes” and hugged him and slid the ring on and looked at it and it was perfect and everything was perfect and then i cried cos i was so happy and we kissed and he asked if that all meant “yah” cos he hadn’t heard me when i said yes… it was so wonderful. i’m serious. i can’t think of a single thing i’d want different.

And for those of you who are interested… the ring is the one i blogged about previously from 22designstudio.com it’s called the 7 days ring and the designers began in 2006. their rings are “inspired by architecture and urban life. The main materials of the ring are cement and stainless steel. The concepts involved include many issues such as environment, texture, values and human behavior. Through touching the unique textures, wearers can experience the originality and innovativeness of this series.” The specific ring is described as “The seven sides of this ring represents the seven days of our week, infusing the designer’s reflections on daily life into this seven-sided ring. Turning the sides on and on echoes our turning of time day after day, deeply experiencing and truly living each moment of every day.” I like it because our love is different from other peoples, both that we’ve felt for other people and that other people feel for each other. So I like that the first tactile symbol of that love is unique. Also, the description that they include inside the box says “This is a ring with life. The surface color of [the ring] would become deeper and brighter, while it has been touched more and more. Also, some collisions may make several cracks. Therefore, every [ring] reflects habits of its owner. It is unique everyday, even every moment. Please enjoy its growth.” How wonderful and like love.

Also, let’s be honest. Most boys pick rings for their ladies out of 70 years of DeBeers picture books. Their engagement ring of choice is designed to maximize profit. Mine, while mass marketed, was designed to be unique and to mean something. It is a statement about life (and cement). And I think it is fantastic. When I look at it, I think about how it turns and how each day is a different one and how from yesterday forward Kyle and I will live our lives together.

The date is most likely sometime in August or December. Hopefully August cos the sunflowers will be a’blooming.