We are made to bleed, and scab and heal and bleed again

Jess on April 22, 2008

i don’t know who you were expecting/probably some bitch who does not budge/with eyes the size of snow/i may get pissed off sometimes/but you seem like the type to hold a grudge/and in the end, i just let go.

Last night, my name was mentioned in an ad-hom attack against Kyle by someone who I’ve always given the benefit-of-the-doubt in situations despite the theories i hear to the contrary about what is said about me when i’m not around. Specifically, it was alluded to that I cannot even carry Kyle through the rest of our lives because I failed to get into grad school. Pretty much this started the melancholy, woe-is-me I’m not in grad school funk that I think everyone was expecting. But really, it’s not that bad. There are just some things I don’t really talk about because I don’t like to bring my personal world into the blogosphere quite the same as I used to. But the fact is, i don’t write things down except on the internet. And the fact is that now that my so-called failure has been broadcast to a community where I still like most of the people I’ve met through it, I feel like I should maybe go into a bit more detail about how I actually feel about it.

Not getting into grad school is sort of a sticky subject. Stickier because I really do have mixed feelings on the deal. For one, I don’t like it when I decide someone should let me do something and they disagree. For another, I think the absolute best thing for me next year is to take a year off, spend some time adjusting to the real world and considering what it is that I have a life-long passion for. I don’t think I’ve day-dreamed about what I want to do with my life since I was a very littler girl. “Well, I could do this, or this, or this” is so liberating to think about. Now that I’m doing it I feel a great sense of relief that I have the ability to do it because I never really have before. After spending a summer thinking about what I wanted to do I decided on African History so I could further pursue the apes thing and then Joe told me I was “too fickle to follow” to grad school and so that flipped my stubborn switch and even after i wasn’t dating him and didn’t have to prove anything to him, I felt like I needed to prove to myself that I could stick to something. So that’s what I stuck to.

And maybe I was right. I think my statement of purpose was purposeful. I think i have a vision and an idea of what I want to do…. but sometimes I don’t know quite where I fit in the realm of African History. Sometimes I feel like just another white girl trying to appropriate agency on Africans. It’s harder because I really like Pan-African movements. So in my utopia, I’d be out of a field of study. But then, history isn’t about studying what you are, necessarily. Bearman always says that History is a dialogue among historians which is true, it’s all a debate and a discussion about what’s been done and how we interpret those events… but I think historians are just really curious about their own identity and what it means to be human. Or at least, I think that’s one of the reasons I’m interested in it. I’m interested in African history specifically because I think Western feminism has a lot to learn from gender roles in Africa. It’s interesting to me both how societies have divided themselves and how Western women have sought out to wreck those existing systems and how now women’s standing is seen as so important to economic development in Africa. I also want to be an activist and I think the Great Apes Project lacks an historian in their approach to African history. So there is that. I have a passion for history and I have a passion for African history because I think more than any other field it allows me to voice my opinions. There are so many reasons why I want to be an Africanist historian that really it doesn’t bother me too much that sometimes I feel a little like I don’t know where I fit in. I also think I would feel the same way if I was an historian of Ancient Rome or something except the really passionately interested in it part. Cos I’m most certainly not passionately interested in Ancient Roman history.

But I don’t want to struggle with the difficulty of a modern, academic job search while not knowing if I really fit in. I don’t want to uproot Kyle and I and get somewhere and decide it’s not for me. And so I think a year off is in order. And further, I think that even if I just feel that way about maybe burning out on history or African history is a ridiculous assertion that comes out of my defensiveness and need to justify to myself, or more my feeling that i should justify to others that it’s okay that i didn’t get in. But I’ll figure that out in a year off as well.

I would also like to experience making money, just once. I want to spend time with Kyle without thinking about what homework I have due the next day. I am going to read. I am developing a book list of things that I want to read and I am going to read them because that is what I enjoy doing. And I haven’t had a booklist since I graduated high school… but I used to have a long one. Take the length of your netflix que and multiply or divide depending on the season and you have my booklist. I read so many wonderful and interesting things! I discovered so many worlds I didn’t know and how cool was that? I miss it desperately. And I’m going to do it again. And maybe next time when I get into higher education I won’t stop doing it.

To be honest, I’m excited for my gap year. It’s just hard to talk about. I get a little embarassed and feel like I did something wrong or let someone (myself) down by not applying to more schools… by not applying to what would have been a surefire safety school. By not running just one more edit on my rough draft or not losing my jump drive with my better hook on it or whatever. Writing a longer statement of purpose for Iowa or Boston who didn’t specify how long it should be. Talking to professors in the department and catering my applications more. There are so many things I could have done differently but sometimes it doesn’t matter. And I’m just fine. And more than that I know I’m going to be just fine.

I don’t have to fit into a little box where I can say “i am an historian” and have that mean something. I wrote such a long entry last December about how I just wanted to be a debater, a historian, a Catholic and a poet. But I’ve found that when I lose those things, I don’t lose who I am. I’m not less of a person because I no-longer debate or am not going to grad school in history in 2008-2009. I’m still me. And I adapt and I evolve and I change. And I choose more worthwhile friendships.

Losing my chomps

Jess on April 15, 2008

I had a pretty nice weekend in Independence, Kansas and then getting caught up on things before I got my wisdom teeth taken out yesterday.  I’m pretty well on track with everything, or at least caught up with a usual tuesday.  I just need to spend a chunk of time working on f&f stuff on thursday and the apeiron is friday.  when i got home from surgery yesterday i found out that Kyle’s grandmother passed away which makes me sad.  I never knew her but it’s just hard and I hate that I can’t be there for him.  I think distance at times like these is really when distance is the hardest because we could both really use each others physical presence, what with my recovering from surgery where one of the instructions is not to talk much and with him not really liking to talk about what’s going on.  I just really wish that we were closer, I guess.  And I can’t wait until that happens.  I applied for three museum internships today so hopefully one of those comes through.  And I’m applying for an actual job with the pitch but i haven’t been able to do that yet even though I now have a professional resume ready to go.  I should probably show around for more places to start putting in an application.  I’m very excited about kind of knowing what we’re doing and having some time before the move to put in applications and look for jobs.

with clarity comes a new purpose

Jess on March 28, 2008

I officially got my final letter of rejection from graduate schools for the 2009-2010 school year.  while i haven’t been blogging excitedly about this crusade against jess in the academic community, i am surprisingly at peace with their decisions.  Minnesota admitted 20 of 225+, Boston admitted probably around 15 of 215-or-so and as far as I can tell most of their admitteds in my position were deferred to Master’s only programs which they don’t get any money for, Iowa admitted less than 10 out of 100+.  So out of 500+ applicants applying for less-than-45 positions, I managed not to make the cut.  That kind of sucks.  I think a jess of years past would greet this kind of failure with some sort of sorrow or sadness.  So far, I’ve cried twice.  Only once if drunken crying doesn’t count and for me these days, I’m not positive that it should.  My first tears were shed upon finding out that I wasn’t in at Minnesota.  My second tears were shed over spring break when I was reminded by that cruel voice in the back of my head about the time that Joe said I was too fickle to follow.  I guess Joe was right, in his own way.  I think I said something like “I’m not too fickle to follow, I’m just a failure.”  That’s melodramatic and not even true.  The truth is, that universities are too fickle to pin your hopes on.  And here’s the thing, I expressed to Dudley that I wished I would have applied to less-good programs so that I could get an acceptance letter like my friends are, but the deal is… the graduate market is indicative of the job market and I’d much rather go through this now when it’s going to turn into a probably good story for my children in the future about the time i applied to three  schools and didn’t get into any so I changed my career path.  The moral of the story will be one of humility, resilience and why it’s okay to fail.  And it is.

A little-known story from the night that Kyle proposed is that sometime after we got to the concert I was standing there with arms around me feeling heavy-hearted.  I said a quiet, tiny prayer that God show me what His will it was not for me to go to grad school.  Soon after, Kyle was on one knee asking me to be his wife.  Since that moment, so many things have been just falling into place that it’s hard to look at this new year off that I’ll be taking as anything but a good chance to take a step back and look at how I want to spend the rest of my life.  Maybe this is a sign that I should be going down a different path.  And so far, this new fork in my road looks pretty good.  For example, I have been offered and accepted a site administer position for a new website we’re doing at work.  It’s pretty baller.  I get to be the site administrator which is an awesome resume line, but further I get to sort of just add things to the site that I think fit.  Which is pretty neat responsibility.  Better? I’m getting a raise now.  The really awesome thing?  This job will translate into a freelance position that will pay some spending money and a good portion of the rent each month whenever Kyle and I move where we do.  More wonderful things are happening in my life, I’m just so excited to have a year to spend with my new husband, getting used to what it means to be married, before we dive into law and graduate school.

Everything is progressing smoothly

Jess on March 17, 2008

So I’m the best wedding planner ever and had everything booked within three weeks of getting engaged. The only thing I have yet to do is officially order flowers to make our bouquets, go shopping with my bridesmaids, and get a ceremony musician. Also, Kyle has a short list of things that need to get done (like blocking hotel rooms, picking out tuxes, et cetera et cetera) and he can now focus on that (or in a few weeks he can) as his debate season is almost complete.

If you’ve been playing the home version of Jess and Kyle’s wedding planning, you’ll notice that I’ve changed the layout of the website. Now that we’ve picked out colors, and they aren’t latte, I thought I’d go for a different theme and move stuff around to make it more wedding-website like and make the blog a little more secretive. I know our friends will read it, and I would love it if our families would read it when they stop by, but I also think guests probably want to read about us and our relationship rather than a criticism of the wedding industrial complex levied one entry at a time. 🙂

If any of our friends are reading this, I’d like to thank them for all of their help. So many people have volunteered to relieve the financial burden of having a wedding in their own way and Kyle and I are ever grateful for their efforts.

Life is a list

Jess on March 17, 2008

Kyle is a national champion in debate!

I have new shoes.

My car got an oil change.

I leave for Illinois tomorrow.

I’m officially a candidate to graduate, and I’m summa cum laude… a distinction I cannot even fuck up.

Everything is happy!

In Antarctica

Jess on March 13, 2008

I’m probably due for an update but unfortunately there isn’t too much to update or too much on my mind.  I’m a little stressed out because NPTE is this weekend and Kyle is in Seattle now, rerouting to Tacoma tomorrow and he’s pretty stressed because they’re basically being stuck in a room forced to research for the last two days and debate doesn’t even start until Saturday.  I’m also embarking on spring break and a new project at work that is mostly just stressing me out at this point.  I think it’s really feasible that we’ll get it done quickly, but it’s hard to say.  And I only have until sometime Tuesday.  It will be good to have the extra money in my paycheck at least.  Also, i’m working on this student repository to set up by the time i leave campus.  It’s proving to be a bit more daunting task than I expected and I’m kind of overwhelmed by how quickly the semester is flying by.  Also, I have yet to hear from Iowa.  I have a good feeling about that… but I just wish they would get around to sending me the email or updating their website or something.  I’m starting to have a hopefully irrational and sneaking suspicion that they have lost my application.  Hopefully that is not the case.

The Dress

Jess on February 25, 2008

Mom and I went dress shopping at David’s Bridal yesterday and found the dress that I’ll be married in in six months.  It’s basically exactly what I wanted.  Actually, it is exactly what I wanted.  I walked through the door and they asked if I had brought in any pictures of dresses that I wanted (I guess because most brides scour bridal magazines, which I have done, and star thousands of dresses they want to wear, which I failed to do).  I announced that I had not engaged in such buffoonery but that I like dresses with this feature, that feature, and a different feature, fully expecting to try on lots of dresses with each feature.  Turns out, one of the dresses that mom and I didn’t pull had all three features and it looked beautiful (and because the three features were things on dresses that flatter my body type, the dress looks like it’s made to make me look pretty).

Trying on dresses was a fun experience for me.  Luckily, mom and i got along swimmingly during it.  I probably tried on eight dresses.  I really liked two that my mom hated.  I really hated two that my mom liked.  By the end of it all we both agreed it was the dress in the middle of my escapade that was “the dress” and now we’re settled.  I wiggled back into the full slip and into that dress and we tried it on with all the veils and the tiara and everything.  It was fantastic.  I think mom and I both teared up a little when we opened our eyes and I had the full veil and dress on and she put the flowers in my hands and everything.  It’s overwhelming.

I can’t wait for Kyle to see me appear at the end of the aisle in all of my wedding attire and know that I’m the prettiest thing in the room.  And I’m so glad that this was just a good moment for my mom.  She seems to be excited about the wedding process and things these days and that’s for the best. If you want to know which dress it is that I chose, you’ll have to comment or email me and I’ll send you an email with a link to the picture.  We’re keeping it a secret from Kyle.

yah, you made me merry.

Jess on February 24, 2008

i’ve been busy, busy, busy, busy.  take, for example this weekend.  friday, i needed to spend all day at the kansas state historical society because i’m a little bit behind on non-interweb research for my history thesis.  i also feel behind on this in general because it’s i am not doing the thesis which i began in 395 which is what most students do… so i would gather that a lot of students are way ahead of where we’re supposed to be while i’m way behind.  a lot of the reason for this is that i’ve simply been impossibly busy and i’m not really in the swing of school because of some snow days and the fact that i only have classes on wednesdays.

so, friday i slept in cos i needed to after two nights of only four or so hours of sleep and then i went to lunch and the library.  i spent three-ish hours on microfilm and then headed to campus to help set up for history day, stopping en route at Livingston’s Bridal which is going out of business and has lots of expensive dresses on super sale.  setting up took about an hour and then we all headed to the bearman’s where we had dinner and i finally asked formally for the children to fill the traditional child roles in my wedding.  after dinner, i headed to work for four hours.  then i came home and tried to get to sleep early (which idnd’t really work out.)

I woke up at 6 to start getting ready to be at campus by 7 or just after for history day.  i spent all of saturday running around and helping out with minor administrative duties of history day.  at that point i wasn’t running anything, i was just like second-level damage control.  but i kept the volunteers coordinated and i think that overall this was a really good history day competition.  in between the morning judging and the afternoon awards ceremony, i headed to barnes and noble to read more DIY wedding books to get good ideas for what i can do more cheaply to subvert the wedding industrial complex.  i then headed back to campus for awards and then ventured home, hoping to get a nap.  the nap didn’t really work out because my mom needed to argue about the wedding again.

i promise you, i am so impossibly stressed out because she won’t just support kyle and my decision to get married now.  she wants us to instead postpone the wedding until sometime in the indefinite future.  this is not going to happen unless for some reason it’s recommended by the clergy.  but the thing is… it’s just driving me crazy this back and forth.  i hate that i don’t even want to be in the kitchen because half the time she’s sane and settled about the wedding and the other half of the time she’s in some crazy rage.  i can’t take it.  and usually i go through life pretending that my relationship with my mom is pretty normal.  i often downplay the things going on at home or wherever to my friends because it’s just easier than trying to explain everything she says or does.  but in the past week she’s just been in a fit screaming at me and treating me like i am a child.  she puts me in ridiculous double-binds, she virtually hates the catholic church, she says terrible things about kyle, and last sunday she basically explained to me that i had already failed at life??a fear that is very real to me right now so it hurt a bit more than when she says things of the sort normally.   i learned at a very young age that it’s best not to take her outbursts personally.  she doesn’t mean them.  she just.  well, she’s bad at expressing what is actually bothering her.  but in the occasional times that she decides to apologize for upsetting me, she’s possibly revealed some of what the issue is.  and i think i get it.  so instead of saying things i don’t mean that are still true, which is my weakness in situations like this, i’ve been trying to just stress while she yells at me how much it is hurting me that she’s not being supportive while i plan my wedding.  and that i really just want her involved in all of the fun things about planning a wedding.

and shes not even doing that, for the record.  i made all the calls about reception sites, i visited the row house, iv’e decided all of the little things about the wedding itself.  it’s not like i’m even asking for help or overburdening her.

so that aside is over.  back to the retelling of my too-busy weekend.

after my failed attempt at a nap, i met reanne at panera for a quick dinner before we went to see a memory, a monologue, a rant, and a prayer… the latest eve ensler monologue series which was performed at washburn this weekend.  it was good, but probably not as good as last week’s showing of the vagina monologues.  and i think it portrayed women as helpless victims in too many situations and never really reached a point where i identified with the woman in the story.  some of the monologues were just effing bizarre. but overall i think it was worth going.

then, i met joey for drinks at buffalo wild wings cos i hadn’t seen him in about a month and a half.  it was nice to see him and i was sorry that our chat couldn’t last longer… but two hours is probably long enough for drinks and shrimp.

today, i need to finish up that outline that’s due tomorrow and i should really write a paper about this journal article called “Men of Columbine” that i sort of disagree with, the documentary “Tough Guise” which I really agree with, and MMPR which i’m not sure fits in with the first two.  Also, i should write a paper about this article called “Talking about Down There” and the Vagina Monologues which I’m already started on, I guess.  Both papers are only 2-3 pages and not due until Wednesday so I feel fine putting them off a bit.  Also, at 4:30 we’re going bridal gown shopping.  Oi.  Wish me luck.

Things on my mind: losing my bi identity as i permanently embrace the world of mono-socio-sexuality, an everburdgeoning fear of the wedding industrial complex which is the scariest place anyone could ever live, and what last name i should have seven months from now??probably an unpunctuated hyphenation, and the imminent arrival of what i presume to be my second rejection letter from a grad school.

sometimes, it’s a wonder i can drag myself out of bed at the morning.  luckily, kyle is wonderful and supportive and engaged in the process of making our wedding happen and preparing for our marriage and i am so happy that he will be in town in like four days.

We set a date!

Jess on February 19, 2008

Kyle and I have finally gone through all of the proper channels to set a date for our wedding!  It is August 30th at Assumption which is the Catholic church at 8th and Jackson!  We have our first meeting with the priest a week from Friday at 9:30 a.m.

Several Accomplishments

Jess on February 14, 2008

So, last night I got home from work and saw mom for the first time since Kyle and I got engaged.  This went poorly, as expected.  For one, she’d alreaedy taken her pain medicine for her hip which was broken in December so she was pretty out of it and more irritable than usual.  We talked for a little while and she got very upset that I want to get married so soon because she didn’t think that would be the case at all and said as much.  Then she tried to talk me out of because of some rational reasons like health insurance.  Eventually we just went to bed in disagreement and I called Kyle.   Mostly, I think, I appreciated her opinions but I was just really stressed out because I want to be planning my wedding and getting excited about being engaged to the person i want to spend the rest of my life with, and its hard to do that when someone keeps telling you you’re an idiot for getting the wedding part over with and moving on to the marriage part.  Also, I want to share this excitement with my mom! I only get one proposal, one ring, and one engagement and I’d be much more satisifed if mom was as excited as I am about all three… and waited a few days to get upset about the date (rather than the 18 hours or so that it took her to express concern). So last night I was pretty upset, but then today things got better.

For one, I talked to my professors about it and they all seem to be in agreement that a shorter engagement is better.  Or at the very least they expressed no concern about my getting married to Kyle so soon.  This was comforting because I think they know me well enough to judge whether or not this engagement will tear me away from my plans for studies in the future, which is another of my mom’s major concerns, and it’s good to have their backing that I’m dedicated enough to get it done.

Also, I called the church so that I could figure out what needs to be done to start setting a date.  They said I’d need to be a registered member so I went there and got that taken care of so we can get on to the date-setting part.  Hooray!  When I got there a group of high schoolers followed me in.  I figured they were like a church youth choir or something getting back from a day of singing valentines.  But then when I told Dolores that I was there to register, she asked if it were a joke.  I said no… and then i was like “oh… they’re not with me.” so she asked what they were there efor and they said they had a singing Valentine.  We all went into the back room where the Father Jon was meeting with some women.  They sang “earth angel” and there was a cute dog who is apparently named Joseph.  Father said “Joseph knew that one cos I sing it to him every night.” which made me smile and know that this is the right church and the right priest for our wedding.  Dolores then told him that I had just shown up to register to be a member and so he stood up and shook my hand and said hi and I explained that I’d been attending for a few years but hadn’t really thought to register but I just got engaged and they told me that I’d need to be registered.  And he said “oh so I’ll be seeing more of you, then?”  It made me super happy.  I’m excited to sit down with Kyle and Father Jon and figure out all the ins and outs of the sacrament I am about to embark upon!