Kyle – Page 4 – Counterspectacle

Distance has no way of making love understandable

Jess on October 26, 2007

I hate being this far away from Kyle. We’ve both been really busy this week, or mostly since Wednesday, he’s been really busy this week and I feel like I hardly get to speak to him. The worst part is that because we live seven hours away that whole talking-on-the-phone thing is extremely important to keeping our relationship well-oiled. I hate being lonely when I have a boyfriend. So that’s my opinion on that, basically. Just that I wish that we could just make regular time for each other, so I’d have something to look forward to instead of having to go out to fill the time in which we would usually be talking to each other. Our relationship has also hit that point where it’s now a little bit hard.

On the phone the other night we had a very tense discussion about a lot of things including travel and finances. It’s frustrating for me because I wasn’t planning on having to plan my life around someone else at age 21. But, I love him, and I love him now, so it’s alright that I have to. There’s things that I’ve ruled out because of him as far as moving away goes and there’s certainly a disadvantage to trying to live by ourselves next year because it’s going to be so expensive no matter where we’re going. He says a lot that it’ll be really expensive to move these places and I know that he’s right but I don’t think he understands how discouraging that is for me. My parents said that to me over and over during my undergraduate school-picking process and as a result I ended up at Washburn on the promise to myself that I’d put whatever money I needed to into my graduate degree. And I’m really afraid that he’s going to talk me out of it because of money. Mostly, when he brings it up, I just get really bizarrely defensive about it because I want to go where I can get the best degree or the best major professor or whatever. I want the best education I can, and I’m not willing to let someone come in the way of that but I know how I feel about him and I know that my heart really would let him come in the way of that. I guess I just leave the ball in his court and hope that he won’t pull that card.

It’s also difficult cos I’m not willing to be away from him for another year. Especially if I move somewhere really far away like Boston. I’m not opposed to the idea of taking a year off so that one or more of us can work and I can live in Kansas City for a while and maybe we could save up and have a wedding… but that’s sort of a bad option for him cos what would he end up doing after that, plus I’d lose my mom and dad’s insurance so it would sort of force a wedding, assuming he had insurance at whatever job he got if i didn’t at mine.

When it comes down to it, I’m so excited to have him to take with me. It’s just hard to adjust to this having some reason to not be selfish about major life decisions. I think that’s the kind of selfishness that we’re allowed… we go where’s best for us in hopes of finding other people who have the same interests as us and hopefully they’ll be whats best for us. But I already know he’s best for me. I already know that even though its hard now and we fight a little more when we’re together because we want it to be easier to be apart that I want it to be hard with him only. Cos it would be hard with anyone, right? And there’s just not a single other person in the world that compares to how he treats me. I believe that. I feel like I’ve grown up a lot in the last year, and realistically, I have. But I’m pretty sure we’re also still twenty-one and invincible.

Everytime we close our eyes

Jess on September 26, 2007

Seeing Kyle this weekend was really great. I surprised him with a bottle of Chrome. It was cute. I was kicking around the idea of buying it for him because he’s been wearing axe and that needs to change. So I went to the mall on Thursday and realized I didn’t actually have time to go in, I just had time to drive by and then go to work. So I went back on Friday and went in and decided maybe I wouldn’t get it, but then I had the lady spray a card for me and i melted a little bit when I smelled it so I decided to buy it for him. I hid it under my receipt from the toll booth on the seat. I wrote a note for him on the back of the receipt and when he got to the car he went to move it and found the box underneath. He was so adorably surprised by the gift. I love gift-giving like that. It makes me so happy to know that he’s happy with what he’s got.

He did well at the tournament, 6-0, byed through octs, dropped in quarters to chad and tom in a really close round. It was a good debate. It was also really sweet how well he balances having a girlfriend and kicking ass at debate. As a girl who dates debaters, I think I have a lot of respect for a boy who can do both well.

This week, I had three tests on Tuesday. I’m really expecting an A on all of them. However, I could see my grade on Art History II being a B possibly cos I was bad at memorization. It was just hard trying to remember the information for all three classes on the same day and that meant I didn’t spend as much time on Art history as I normally do on art history tests.

Jenny and I went to the Spencer Library today to get books for our upper division art history courses. She’s writing her medieval term paper on San Lorenzo and I’m writing my african art paper on Ibeji figures. Specifically, I’m going to write about the artistic qualities of the photographs and plastic dolls used as modern ibeji figures in place of the carved wooden figures while addressing some of the reasons for the change.

Oh, and I looked at graduate programs again today. I think my top two choices are Minnesota and Boston. Northwestern is probably off the list. I need to get my purpose statement finished soon. I was going to do that tonight but now I’m relaxing and enjoying the opportunity to not be motivated for once. I could use a break.

It’s nice having a close female friend in my major again. I think I’ve missed Cara more than I realized. And I like Jenny a lot. I hadn’t really realized how awesome she was until we talked in Florence when I was upset once. She’s really a wonderful girl.

Plans, we make

Jess on September 21, 2007

I get to see Kyle tonight. I can’t wait. He was in the top 4 at the Jewell Round Robin today which is pretty hot. Man, I don’t have much to report do I? I guess that’s not true. I took the GRE. That’s probably pretty big news. 600 Verbal, 650 Quantitative. I think my verbal score is best exemplified by my hatred of spelling the word “quantitative.” I wish it were qualitative. I like that better, for some reason. I’m pretty sure i did better on the second verbal test I took and that they recorded the score of the first one. Figures. But oh well. I’m glad I did well. And I’m also glad I didn’t waste much time putting actual work into preparing for it. It turns out Prasch was right.

I realized in a conversation today that the only thing I had to say to the guy working behind the counter after he started small-talking was that I had seen his daughter’s breasts on the internet. That was kind of awkward and prompted a quick return to my reading, but seriously. That’s the nicest thing I could think up to say about someone I went to school with for four years. I should’ve just said it… “oh yah, her? her only good quality is that she has small nipples and can apply makeup well enough to cover up how she kind of looks like a boy.” It’s not like they were giving me a discount either way.

let's pretend we're in antartica

Jess on September 15, 2007

ah, so i’m finally going to update my blog. and i have so much to say that i’ve actually felt the need to outline this entry so that I don’t forget anything because I’ve had a really pretty stellar few weeks since I last updated and I would hate to leave something out.

First, the last time I really posted I mentioned that I was going to spend Labor Day with Kyle in carbondale, or more that I was going to spend Labor Day Weekend with Kyle and then drive home to work on actual labor day. I had an awesome time. The drive in went by really slowly, in part because I was anxious, in part because I had a long long long lunch, and in part because there was a wreck on i70 that slowed traffic to 20 miles per hour average. Oi. I stopped in Columbia and had lunch with Duker at Moe’s in part cos you’ve gotta start knocking out delicious carbondale food on route to Carbondale or you just won’t have time for everything you want to eat by the time you get to Illinois for just a few days. Also, it’s always nice to have some conversations with Duker. Lunch was delicious and a little bit long but I finished my whole burrito and eventually made it back on the road. When I got to Carbondale, late, Kyle grilled and then we went to the liquor store. I wanted to go to the bar cos I was in the mood for shots but instead I was talked into drinkin at the house so I bought all the stuff needed to make washington apples. That night we learned the following: Jess of right now:Apple Pucker::Jess of three years ago:Vodka. We woke up the next day and had a pretty relaxing time around the apartment until we went to his friend Brandon’s place and hung out with them while they grilled. We got Don Taco and went to the bars at about 10 or so and we were in by one a.m. I’ve apparently civilized Kyle. He seemed kind of bitter about it that night, but in a good way. Sunday, we went to a winery with Duran and Neely. That was an adventure. I had a really awesome time, but Kyle was so silly cos we got like 5 tastes for a dollar. So Duran and Neely got a pitcher of Sangria that was so amazingly delicious. And Kyle and I got our tastes. Kyle tastes one thing. Then gets another taste of the same thing. Then buys a bottle of it and gives me his other tastes. That kid is so nervous about wine. I had fun with my 8 samples and had some of the sangria… yummy. They have this porte called Framboise (strawberry obviously) that was delicious. The rest of it varied between being very good and moderately good and bad. I’m kind of picky about my wine though. All-in-all it was a really awesome weekend. I’m glad that Kyle and I just pick up where we left off after we spend time apart.

The following week I started to get a little sick. Mostly I just had lots of sinus headaches and a bad migraine on Tuesday. Wednesday, Colby was in town so we went out cos he was sleeping at my place. This resulted in the best night ever, esp for a Wednesday. First of all, I love having weeknights off. An evening that I can spend doing whatever makes me so happy. So I was super excited about that night. Colby came over for a bit in the evening (This is where my last pseudopost occured.) and then I met him later at the Cowboy where fun insued. First of all, I was so nervous about the Cowboy because it’s terribly white trash and gangster at the same time. I’m also unsure about clubs because I don’t like dance floors where people don’t dance… or do i? it turns out that the cowboy dance floor is like a live-action reality tv show. The floor is only full, but not crowded, when there is a slow country song. The rest of the time there are at max four clusters of people (or people going solo) dancing. You get to watch blue-shirt guy try to hook up with white-shirt girl. You get to see plaid-shirt-guy making a fool of himself trying to dance. You get to see two girls trying to dance together in an attempt to bait some unsuspecting male on the dance floor. Oh my. You even get hit on by sixty year olds because Colby’s an ass and is way late so you sit alone playing with your phone. Who could avoid that much fun? Mostly i was just excited because Bud Select was cheap. Not that Bud Select is ever expensive. But it’s better when it’s cheap. After the Cowboy we decided we should make it to the Trap where we ran into Justin and Dave. I run into Justin everytime I go to the Apple store which for whatever reason has made us slightly better friends. So i was very excited to get to interact socially with him. I was swindled into being a davette during baby got back. :sigh: I was also swindled into karaoke with Colby, which was mostly awesome. You all really know how i adore situations that are seemingly unexpected. I live for those moments that end movies: where you find yourself dancing with the girl you’ve been pissed about all summer cos she’s fucking your exboyfriend and you gain a sense of closure, where someone apologizes for something they’ve done years ago that you’re not mad about but marks a new chapter in your friendship, where you hallucinate with a boy whose floor you’re crashing on in a city you’re visiting and you met the boy three years ago when you were straight edge and he was a huge fan of chomsky’s media critiques. I’m always filled with a sense of nostalgia and a realization that everything is always changing. And even if you don’t believe in progress, sometimes you can believe that it really is always getting better. So by the end of the night Colby and I were singing Santa Monica by Everclear together and I realized that he’s now one of my better friends, way beyond elevated out of the exboyfriend category in my life, and that it’s really sweet how relationships grow and change and transcend. After that, we headed to James’s so that I could get a little bit sober before we went back to my place. That’s where the night went south for Colby. As for me, I had a wonderful conversation with James’s roommate Ben.

Last weekend, Kyle came into town. He got in Thursday and we partied with the debaters. Friday was much of the same, but at BWW not Joe Allen’s. And I got to hang out with Nate that night and we ended up at the former Goose Too which was having a sucky night, but we had enough fun. The next day I took Nate back to his place and then hung out with Kyle until I went to work. We ended up at Pigskins that night with the Tech crowd which was fun. Then we got all kinds of fucked up at Joe Allens (well, I got all kinds of fucked up.) and later there was IHOP. I was underimpressed with the crepes, ps. They did not give me enough sour creme. I like the desert menu crepe best, it turns out.

I’ve pretty much been immobile and sick since Kyle left. I’m better as of sometime yesterday morning in terms of pressure but Monday-Thursday i was a mess. This all culminated with me having a breakdown in the history department because too many people were making too many demands of me. And I’m having a terrible conflict of interest about what I want to do with the next year. I feel like history makes me jaded and cynical. I’m not nearly as involved or idealistic as I once was. I now view things like feminism and enviornentalism or animal rights or all those things I used to get really fired up about as some sort of 2D description of an historical reality. I feel unconvinced of beauty. I might take the LSAT. I’m definitely going to cut some things out of my life, in attempt to have evenings every now and then, or maybe just to have some time to be still. The radio was talking about Psalm 46:10 which says “Be Still and Know that I am God.” I want time to do that. I’m so excited for next year when I don’t have so many things floating around. I want to spend time with Kyle. I want to have evenings to do homework or watch tv or movies or anything. I want to make dinner with my boyfriend/fiance/husband and eat it together. It’s nice that I don’t have to wait until 9 p.m., realistically midnight, to call my boyfriend cos I’m on sprint now. But I’m so excited for us to be a family. And for my life to get started.

I feel like the Topeka chapter of my life has ended and I’m just stuck on the last page which will be written in an uneventful flourish by the author. That’s depressing. To liberate myself from this feeling I’m trying to spend more time with James, Emily, and the other people that I’ll miss when I’m gone next year. My family.

I take the GRE on Monday. I’m excited to have it be done. I’m confident that I’ll do well. I’ll keep you updated.
I think that I’m going to change the style of jeans I wear. From Low-rise to Mid-rise. At least as long as long shirts are in, jeans will have to be higher to meet fashion standards. Plus, I kind of like how they look. Oh, and there is new ani. AND they have released a game called Worms 2 for the DS. Ohfuckyes. We will fight the battle of Worms on my DS. I am so excited I cannot handle it.

Wait till I get my money

Jess on August 28, 2007

Tomorrow is my first weeknight off in i don’t know how long. Then, this weekend, I’m going to Carbondale to Kyle. Today, I signed his wall “you can be my black kate moss tonight (Friday).” and cut-lined a picture of him “Sic semper Tyrannosaurus-Kyle.” This is all evidence that our relationship is very strange and very happy. As predicted by him perhaps, the 14 hours of prevention he spent driving here and back to visit me has bought him 30 hours or more of cure. I’m much less needy about the phone thing. Some of that is the curse of having cingular vs. sprint and how they won’t let us talk to each other for free… assholes. That should all be fixed soon though cos I think I’m gonna buy a mogul tonight. It’ll cut out my ability to discreetly textmessage about ever… but it’ll be pretty fancy. And I love fancy.

Also, I’m very excited because I’m spending the weekend in Illinois. And it looks like this year I’ll live my life on the standard that “it’s already Tuesday!” oh how time flies when you’re in college and working about 40 hours and going to school 14 and working on a conference paper/watching movies/hooking up cable in your room in your spare time. This semester I’m even doing the readings. They’re interesting. Moreso in Art History than any other classes since text books are written for morons. Oh! And I walked a mile and did 50 crunches today and 25 pushups. I think I’m going to start doing crunches and things every day from now on. That’d be good. And I wouldn’t even have to go to the gym. But maybe I could use the exercise bikes in the lounge at the apartment complex.

I’m spastic and happy tonight (read: manic). Oopsies. Uhm. The Most Serene Republic are like my favorite band ever right now. And the new interpol is also very good.

TOMORROW: Join me for margaritas somewhere. My weekend starts on Wednesday.

Done, I'm done, and I'm on to the next one

Jess on August 24, 2007

I’ve officially completed my first week of classes this morning at about 11 a.m. Yay! So far I think they’re all going to be good. I need to update my calendar later and stuff so that I have all my test dates written down and important things of that sort, but until then I’m basically golden. The homework load shouldn’t be too terribly much. We’re having a debate soon in Anthro which I’m looking forward to. It’s on FGM. I think that she’s just going to assign us one way or the other what our opinion is. So i’m either going to say that FGM is bad because it hurts the individual and patriarchy is for fools or FGM is good because it’s sometimes chosen by the girl or we can’t impress our morals on others or community standards outweigh the individual. Either way. I’m looking forward to debating a bit. It’s been a while. I apparently decided on Thursday that I’m going to be intelligent in the class and not just sit there. I’m remembering the reason I stuck it out in my terrible anthro course of last semester… i really like anthropology. It makes sense though. Anthropology is like history if history felt it necessary to continually explain what it was trying to do.

I’m also really excited about my art history classes. Being lectured about slide after slide after slide for 6 hours a week is a bit much… but I really love both of the professors a lot. I think that outside of history, I get more information out of the both of them than anyone else on campus. They’re so efficient. And I like learning about art history and it’s cool because I’ve seen a lot of original works we’re covering in my Art History II class so it’s like I have a little bit more information to weigh in about. Janzen apparently tests over the reading in her upper levels. Tsk. What a waste. So that means I’ll be reading the text book. I also might start reading the text for Wood but I’m not positive. She refers back to it a lot. But I’m also as smart as it. As I described something better than the book the other day but clearly hadn’t done the reading. I’m just smart. I’ll read a page and if I feel like I’m being talked down to then I’ll skim from now on. Textbooks are such a waste of time. This is college, bitches. Make us purchase something academic. I love Turabian, I’ll admit it. I wept when I held the 7th edition (lie). But I still think the following analogy applies–College textbooks:Academic Writing::Turabian:Chicago.

I got accepted to that conference to which i submitted an abstract a few weeks ago. Hooray. It’s a good thing since my abstract was pretty weak cos I had no idea what I wanted to write on… nor had I thought about it for months. I had a matter of like 48 hours to figure out what I wanted to do. Anyway, I need to rewatch the Constant Gardener and Blood Diamond. What a wonderful pre-paper conundrum to have.

Kyle surprised me last night. This is a wonderfully romantic story. So I’m online talking to James at like 8 and he asks me what I’m doing when I get off work. Then he suckers me into making plans with him on the grounds that he’ll feed me crab rangoons if i go over there. He says he also might have a surprise for me when I get there. I’m very confused about what the surprise may be. I get bored at work around 9 and start dwelling on the surprise. What could it be? So I figure it’s probably either hibachi shrimp to compliment the crab rangoon sort of or drugs of some sort which would be wonderful. I decide if it’s the shrimp I’ll eat it and if its the drugs i’ll take them. Then I start prying a bit. Because surprises are so much fun! Meanwhile that day, I’ve talked to Kyle several times on the phone. His alleged evening plans were to go out with the debate boys which turned into a party at the TKE house which turned into a party somewhere he didn’t know. I got off work and called him like I always do and he was acting like he wanted to get off the phone… then he was pissy cos I mentioned something … then when he got off the phone he didn’t say i love you. And he knows i hate that. So i’m fuming by the time I get to James’s door. I mean, that kind of fuming that settles down after some crab rangoons but still. I’m pissed. And i texted him to find out why he withheld an i love you. So then i get excited about my surprise again and i go to open james’s door which is locked. This is not that unheard of. James generally doesn’t unlock his door until he has to but when he’s expecting me it’s usually unlocked when i get there. So i knock. The door opens. There are a dozen roses in my face. I freak out internally and am like “WHY IS HE GIVING ME FLOWERS?!” and then I look up and a yankees hat and those beautiful blue eyes which belong to my boyfriend come into focus and I realize it’s Kyle and we stand at the door and kiss all grosslike for a bit and then i go inside for sonic and bully wheat. And I am the happiest little spotless panther in the world this weekend. The roses are beautiful. I’ll take peekchures so y’all can think he’s fantastic.

I love getting flowers.
I get girly.
And sometimes, I just look at the flowers.
And I think about the boy who gave them to me.
And I never forget getting flowers.
Never ever.

Oh, and we carried it all so well as if we got a new position

Jess on August 18, 2007

Oh, and I laugh all the way to hell/Saying yes, this is a fine promotion/Oh, and I laugh all the way to hell//Of course everyone goes crazy/Over such and such and such/We made ourselves a pillar/We just used it as a crutch/We were certainly uncertain/At least I’m pretty sure I am/Well we didn’t need the water/But we just built that dam

So, I’m back with more as I promised. Things without Kyle are getting a bit easier, I think. Or at the very least I’m adjusting and doing my part to not get depressed about it. I’ve been going out a lot… Thursday night I went out with Mle and then James/Gabe. Last night, I got very drunk at the bar formerly known as the Goose Too with Joey. Turns out shots named after the Porn industry are a great way to start the night. Tonight I’m going to a party at Barbi’s cos I don’t feel that well and don’t want to venture to Lawrence in this terrible rain. Tomorrow, James is going to dinner at my parents cos they owe it to him and I’m going to spend the day by the pool where my brother works with momma then do dinner and then James and I are going to see Superbad. All in all, I think my life is pretty fantastic. Which makes me so happy. And I’m a little less excited about school starting than I was the other day, but I bet I’ll get over that. 9 a.m.-12 a.m. is just a very long day. Very. Very. Long.

Oh, and I know this of myself/I assume as much for other people/Oh, and I know this of myself/We’ve listened more to life’s end gong/Than the sound of life’s sweet bliss//Was it ever worth it?/Was there all that much to gain?/Well we knew we missed the boat/And we’d already missed the plane/We didn’t read the invite/We just dance at our wake/All our favorites were playing/So we could shake, shake, shake, shake, shake
I promised a continuation though, didn’t I? Here goes. I think I need to talk about Joe a bit, specifically because he’s leaving soon and we’re still not friends. I don’t remember what profound things I was going to say the other night, but right now I guess I’m just apologetic. And probably that’s how I was a few days ago, as well. Tuesday would have been our two-year anniversary and this november would’ve been the three-years as best friends marked. But we are neither in a relationship nor are we friends let alone best ones. This summer has given me a lot of time to think/dwell/reach closure on that subject. At first I was so sad about it, but I knew it was how it had to be… both because I think we were being unfair to ourselves… all that time we spent together was just confusing. Because I don’t think you kill love, you just breed resentment. And we’d gotten very good at resenting each other. And it was also certainly unfair to Kyle and Morgan/Whitney/Alicia/Jacquelyn/whoknowswho. Kyle’s really understanding that I’m going to have exes who are still a part of my life. He’s met the vast majority of them… either cos he knew Steve and Joe before we dated, or because Jarred was back in town, or Jarod came by, or Brian was at the John Mayer concert too or whatever whatever. But even if he’s understanding about that, Kyle shouldn’t have to be understanding about me calling him crying because I still cared too much about what Joe thought. And sometimes things that happened got blown out of proportion, sometimes intentionally. I don’t know. I think I was just afraid to lose my friend. And honestly, it’s been hard that that happened but my biggest regret is that I didn’t do it sooner. Because I think that if he’d forced me to cut him off when I was treating him like shit or if I’d have just gone away when I couldn’t get my act together enough to be a decent person to him then we’d maybe have a friendship now. And maybe, maybe I’m wrong. But it’d have been worth the gamble since this is what we got anyway. At the very least, maybe I’d have been less bitter in the end, and him too.

Tiny curtains open and we heard the tiny clap of little hands/A tiny man would tell a little joke and get a tiny laugh from all the folks/Sitting drifting around in bubbles and thinking it was us that carried them/When we finally got it figured out that we had truly missed the boat
I think I reached the point after about a month of intentionally not speaking where it just occurred to me that I’d be ready to sit down and apologize. I no longer look at our relationship as mostly his fault. Or as… I don’t know. Whatever it is that I used to think i don’t think the same anymore. I think I’ve grown up a lot in regards to that. I think he was capable of giving me more emotionally than he did, being there more, knowing me more. And I think I felt worthless because I felt like he wouldn’t do those things for me… and it frustrated me cos I knew he was capable of it. But I didn’t communicate hardly anything to him for the last six months or so because I figured it would just cause a fight and that would be devastating and leave me confused about what had happened. He was a much better debater than I was. So things ended. And pretty much everything after that point with few exceptions was my fault. And I was being a bitch. And I wish I would’ve stopped that sooner (read: never done it at all).

Oh, and we carried it all so well/As if we got a new position/Oh, and we owned all the tools ourselves/But not the skills to make a shelf with/Oh, what useless tools ourselves
I guess I’m just left with this lingering sense of… i wish i’d have handled that differently. But I’ve learned from it, and I don’t think I’d do it again. But we always think that, don’t we? And I just kind of wish I had the ability to say I’m sorry. And to pretend to be a grown-up.

While we're on the subject, could we change the subject now?

Jess on August 16, 2007

I suspect that this entry will be pretty long with a wide range of emotions in it and that by the end of it i’ll have lost most of my readers, left some with that sense of “hm. i knew it.” satisfaction, and leave still others with a much better portrait of me. I’m choosing not to make this entry private for several reasons, the first being that I don’t really like having my life private. And I don’t want to feel like I’m hiding anything that’s going on or any feelings that I’ve had. But sometimes I feel like my journal is the only way that I really communicate things with people, especially with myself. Almost inevitably it will eventually be private but you can enjoy it while it lasts. So here goes.

I was knocking on your ear’s door but you were always out/Looking towards the future/We were begging for the past/Well we knew we had the good things/But those never seemed to last/Oh please just last*

Kyle left for Carbondale this morning. I was doing so fucking well about it too until I was randomly scrolling through pictures of Girl A on the internet because I was looking at her facebook for some bizarre reason probably because she was listed on you-know-whos mutual friends with me and I got interested. I found a comment from him from like a year and a half ago and now I’m in a fit. Not really. I’m just very reflective about the past six months of his/mine/our life.

We had one of our wonderful long emotional talks last night, which feel just like reading his blog used to but are now even more special because he only shares those thoughts and feelings with me. In it, we talked a lot about first love and why things were important to happen the way they did and why it’s important that we were specifically with who we were with. I think this all arose when I rekindled a conversation about how his parents like me. Cos he was telling me earlier yesterday that his dad was joking about how he’s probably settling for me because I’m not a dumb bitch which is basically his type. It was a great conversation and it made me feel really special because it’s so nice to know that your boyfriend’s parents really like you. And it’s great to feel like I’m part of his family which I do. They’re inviting me to Albuquerque for Thanksgiving at Matthew’s even. So he told me about Briana and things he learned from dating her and those sorts of things. We talked about how their relationship ended and how he looked at love after it was all over for the first time. My view of love has underwent some serious changes in my history of dating. This obviously causes me to review every time I thought I never loved someone just because they broke my heart. Realistically, I probably just never loved them. Love was too complex, too emotional, too messy and too gigantic for me to even understand. I think for some of them, like Colby, I love them in a way now that’s purely platonic and they will always have some piece of my heart for obvious reasons… but I don’t really believe, having experienced that which is without-question-called love, that what we felt for each other was love. I was thinking some about Madeline too. I couldn’t really explain what we meant by it when i was trying to last night.. but I know that what we felt for each other was absolutely love. And that when it ended it was because it was so much larger than either of us that it was like crushing us. And that’s how we both explained it, and that’s how we both understood it. But I don’t even know that we see it that way still. The memory of that is like this beautiful tangle of feelings which neither of us is willing to try to sort out. Maybe that’s wrong. But it was so important that I’d experienced all of it. And it makes me sad that all of the ideals and naivety which was part of that experience are something I’ll never have in the same way with anyone else. I think so much of how I love now (and I sort of think all people love now) is so jaded and protected. It takes so much work for me to trust someone enough to let them wound more than my pride. But I’m glad that I’ve let someone in past that barrier again.

Everyone’s unhappy/Everyone’s ashamed/Well we all just got caught looking/At somebody else’s page/Well nothing ever went/Quite exactly as we planned/Our ideas held no water/But we used them like a dam

I think one of the worst ways in which we protect ourselves is through sex which is mostly meaningless. Kyle and I had a talk earlier this summer about how difficult it is for both of us to put the other’s sexual history behind us despite having committed the same errors in our own lives. I mean. Half the time, I don’t even know if I’m more jealous of the girls he cared about or those he didn’t. When I’m jealous of meaingless women it’s because that part of me that brews insecurity sometimes feels like there’s something about me that’s only attractive in a-relationship-way. That seems silly. Like you have to want to date me in order to find me attractive. That just simply isn’t true. I know it’s not true because it’s completely absurd. It’s also disproven by all those boys who only wanted to fuck me. And twice-as-much by how those boys were all assholes that didn’t care about me. So isn’t it silly, then? That I’d somehow be jealous of the girl whose personality diminished all but their sex appeal? Probably, I’m ridiculous. When I’m jealous about girls that meant something to him, it’s mostly because I’m looking at a picture of him kissing her on the internet. And it reminds me that I’m childishly naive to think that all these pretty words he has have only been said to me. And then I remember that in the case of some of them, my ears alone have heard him say them. And I think about what his friends say he says about me when I’m not around. I don’t think I’ll ever get tired of having his high school friend say over-and-over-again that Kyle smiled like he’d never seen when he was talking about me. I also think it’s silly because I deep down like that we have similar pasts. I need someone who looks at my sexual history as probably akin to their own and doesn’t ask questions unless they want to know the answers. I need not be with someone who treats me like they’re doing me a favor by dating me despite my past.

*All lyrics from “Missed the Boat” by Modest Mouse. But, of course, you’re smart. You knew that.
** To be continued…

Productivity in two simple steps

Jess on August 13, 2007

Wait for me another year or two/I will graduate and marry you/You roll the number and I??ll buy the lumber/To build a house up on an Oregon hill//There??s a mountain/There??s a time to/They were put up there to keep us apart/So I watch you making plans and I make plans
– Someone Still Loves You Boris Yeltsin, from “Oregon Girl”

Kyle came into town cos he didn’t want me to spend a night alone when things were crazy. I’ll explain what was crazy later, probably in a private entry. But it seems alright now. It’s just a whole lot of stress… but what would the last week of summer be without stress? Really. So I got to spend an unexpected day with him. It was much fun.

I woke up late for the dentist which is good cos I really didn’t want to go. I considered calling in with some bad excuse but I already did that last month so I showed up for the appointment and got my teeths cleaned. They did a good job. There was lots of whining at me cos I don’t floss but I don’t lie about it. I just hate doing it and I don’t have the time and I’m not leaving floss and hand sanitizer out by the tv so I’ll do it there cos that won’t happen. I want to watch 24 while I’m watching 24… not be concerned about my teeth. So fuck it. I might actually take up flossing as a regular habit though, mostly because I hate the dentist so much that I try to keep them from whining at me. They gave me two different kinds of floss cos I prefer the non-waxed kind for most of my teeth and i require a very waxed kind for my front teeth cos they’re half fake and not very well sanded. This is too much talk about my teeth.

After adventures with the dentist I had to break into James house to return the PS2 so that David could play Spyro and didn’t have to keep calling me about the PS2. He’d be the best debt collector ever, I believe. I left it on the couch and continued to plot how I will tackle the issue of cleaning that place in the next few days. I’ll do it, I will.

Then it was off to meet with Bearman or more particularly Prasch. We talked about Grad School. My list has changed. I’m gonna do this in tiers like my buddy list on aim. (bet you didn’t know i tiered my friends there, but i do. it makes a difference too.)

Tier 1: Schools I Really Want to Attend

Minnesota
Wisconsin

Tier 2: Schools I Would Like to Attend

Northwestern
UCLA

Tier 3: Schools Which will possibly be elevated to tier 1 or 2

Boston
Michigan

I’m currently looking for a movie about something in African History on which I can write a conference paper! Do leave suggestions! I’m going to post this on my suicidegirls account too… cos they are much more academic than my wordpress readership. Not kidding. But that’s because I have way more wordpress readers.

When I look at you, you're so far away.

Jess on August 10, 2007

I like post-rock enough to listen to admit it publicly. I like post-rock. There. And I hope I listen to more of it until I understand it well enough to defend that it doesn’t all sound the same. Cos right now, I don’t understand how every lead singer sounds the same vocally. It’s an amazing trick.

Yesterday was Kyle’s last day in Topeka for the summer. Wednesday is his last day in Kansas City. I’m basically devastated. We’ve spent this week watching Season 3 of 24 which I should be finishing up as we speak, but instead I’m blogging because I care about all of you folks being able to keep up on my life. Season 3 is a great season. Jack Bauer is an American Icon. I can’t watch Law and Order anyway cos of Golf. It’s been great. We took a break yesterday and watched Season 3 Part 1 of Entourage. We went on lots more lunch dates than normal. We stayed up till 4 a.m. laughing with each other. We cuddled on the couch. And I cried basically non-stop. Sigh. I just don’t want him to go back. Slash. I don’t want to be apart from him. But it’s ridiculous to think that he’d not go back to finish his senior year of college. And Bearman would kill us both if I even considered it. So I know that this is the way it has to be. And my eyes have dried up since he left. I held it together at work and I’ve held it together today. I’m not even mildly depressed which I have been most of the days I’ve spent apart from him. Ask him. Last weekend I was downright irrational without reason and the weekend before was almost the same story… but maybe that storm was building. So everything between us is wonderful. We both wish we could be closer for these next ten months or so but we understand we can’t and so we’re off to figure out more about ourselves without the other there until next June. I’m just glad that neither of us is doubting the other. We’re pretty much invincible.

Since he’s gone basically… I’m just looking forward to our last two dates together. One is our anniversary (six months, woo) which is coming up next week, we’re celebrating early… The other is worlds of fun tomorrow. I’m super excited about both. But I’m also so ready for school to start. Rahul and Cara and occasionally Kyle (Rahul was too drunk to make sense of what we were saying and Kyle was too drunk to make sense of what he was saying) and I had a good debate about the 08 elections the other night. It got me jonesing for some good intellectualism. I love it. I can’t wait for classes. African Art History with Janzen is gonna be so sweet… and I have it with Cari! Yay! I’ve really missed Cari these past few years that we haven’t been as close. And I’m excited for my Morse class… though not so much for the tests. I just hate writing essays which compare and contrast historical truths by creating some hypothetical historical society. This is why I like her upper levels much better.

I want to watch more 24 so I can be indoctrinated on how cool it is to not have Constitutional rights so we can be safe from mostly outlandish terrorist plots and wonder how Nina will resurrect herself and if the PATRIOT Act really can save us all. So I’m done blogging. Good night.