The Sky Opened Up

Jess on October 12, 2008

I think I’m done fiddling with my blog layout for a while.  I finally found the theme I’ve liked best for WordPress for a while.  I might shrink it up a bit because the fonts are bigger than I like but whatever, maybe I’ll blog more now that I’m not bored by my layout.

I’m all holed up studying today and enjoying what is supposed to be a rainy day.  I need to go do some re-reading and catch up on some reading in the library at the museum today or tomorrow but I’m not quite sure that I’ll get motivated for it today.  I’m just trying to get caught up on some of the database-ing I need to do for data management and do some research for the collections management plan we’re working on in collections management.  Productivity is awesome.

I wonder if the new season of Criminal Intent will be saved by Jeff Goldblum.  I’m not sure he can do it.  But I sure did like Pittsburgh a lot and I think he’s just great.

The Thick of the Moment

Jess on October 11, 2008

I officially feel like a graduate student. I can’t seem to really get ahead, but I feel like I’m treading water quite well in the program. I’ve already had my first test and round of papers and I have another coming up this week. I’ve also apparently not blogged in forever. i’m going to have to fix that. I think I’m too reliant upon twitter to relay my daily goings-on. It does a pretty good job of that, but really, I think I should write more complex things about my life.

Thursday I have my second test in the class with the hardest professor. Or at least, the tests are hard. She’s probably one of my favorite professors because she’s so interesting and I learn a whole lot but her tests are more stress than they’re worth, I think. I got a solid B on the last one and that’s a good start to the semester so I hope I do better on this one to continue that trend. I also have a paper due next Sunday night in a different class which will probably be labor intensive but not that difficult.

Meanwhile, I have a huge group project in every class and trying to stay ahead of that is sort of difficult. I think since we all have the same classes we’re pretty aware of how we need to stay on top of this so that the end of the semester isn’t hell. Also, I think all of the projects are pretty manageable, time just goes by so quickly it seems.

I’ve been handling homesickness pretty well. It helps that I’ll be home a week from Monday for a conference and get to spend a night or two with my family. And it helps that I have Kyle here and things. It was really, really bad between when I took that test and when I got the grade back mostly because Maco had to be put down back home which made me really, really sad. He was one of my favorite dogs that my parents fostered and while I knew he was really overweight and therefore in poor health, it didn’t really occur to me that the last time I said goodbye to him would actually be the last time. It made me think about how being here means missing out on a lot of moments with my family (and the dogs) and that made me question my decision to come here in the first place.

For that reason, I’m not quite sure what my ideal scenario is for post-grad school. Ugh. Hopefully in the nearish future I’ll get all of that figured out but at this point I don’t really know that I want to move somewhere to do law school or a phd right away. If things work out though in a really clear direction that would be great. I just miss my family a lot… and my friends too but I know that by the time I’m considering returning to Topeka/Kansas City they’ll mostly be spread all over the country again for a while and who knows where they’ll end up living.

I feel like I have a good group of friends here though and that’s making things a lot easier. I like a lot of the museum science students and I’m glad that we’ve finally gotten to know each other well enough to let our guards down and show our real personalities. I also have some friends through Kyle or through whoever that I like. It’s nice to finally feel like I have an assortment of people to call when Kyle is out of town or to make plans. and hopefully the more time I spend here the closer we’ll all get.

Alright. We’re attending a potluck dinner party tonight and I have to start rolling sushi so that we can go. And then it’s back to studying and hopefully finishing all of the thank yous this weekend. Man, having a wedding before grad school is absolutely ideal until you have like 200 cards to write as class really gets going. I’d recommend against that part. But marriage is awesome! So I can’t really complain.

we'll have a good time, then

Jess on September 22, 2008

I had a chat with Mei today about my workings in the African Art collection and she’d like me to do a research course or a practicum writing a grant so we can get a conservator and an art historian who can authenticate the collection.  This is pretty awesome news.

My trip to Skooners went really well the other night.  David Trout was funny, as per normal, and I had a good time with Amanda, Heather, Jamie and eventually Amber.  Maybe next time I’ll get gutsy enough to sing a little.

Other than that, I have absolutely nothing to report except that this weekend I proved myself to be good at time management. I managed to balance cleaning, socializing, studying, and all the law and order and svu that my DVR could handle.

After my test tomorrow, I plan to reward myself by reworking my layout and site map a bit and relaxing until Thursday.

so happy, together

Jess on September 20, 2008

For perhaps the first time in my life as a blogger, I’ve had a long gap in blogging simply because I am so happy.  Sorry for the lack of updates.  Things with Kyle are totally fantastic.  I’m happier and more in love than i ever have been with him, or anyone, which is great.

My classes are also going well.  I’ve been finding work a little bit boring but I think it’s getting better now that I’m actually working with the african art.  It’s interesting how much work needs to be done on that collection, and it seems to me that I’m plenty encouraged to get to doing it, so that’s neat.  I think next I want to work in education and exhibits to get a feel for those, but I would really enjoy being a curator.  Researching on collections is pretty rad.

I’m also making friends, somewhat slowly.  I am so glad that Amber and Sid moved down here with us because I think I would have gone crazy had I not had someone to hang out with while Kyle was gone for the weekend with debate.  I was supposed to go out for sushi with Rachel and Nancy tonight but Rachel can’t and Nancy got sick so we’re going to do it next weekend instead.  And I texted Amanda and I think I’m going out to Schooners later with her and presumably Heather which should be nice.  I liked them a whole lot when we were all at Chimy’s about two weeks ago.  Chimy’s is pretty badass, by the way.  They have really good happy hour specials from 4-7 and their fish tacos are craveable.

I put in a couple job applications in the last week.  One is for a museum event coordinator position that is part time at a city museum.  Only nights and weekends which would be great.  And the other is for an asistantship in the president’s office.  I think I’m super-qualified for the one in the president’s office so hopefully that works out. Both job searches closed yesterday so I hope to hear back soon.

So far, I’m finding lots of good ways to have adventures and I look forward to continuing to make my niche in Lubbock.

My weekend ends on Monday

Jess on September 8, 2008

And starts on Thursday. Baller.

I think I promised a blog sometime this morning about my weekend and it never arrived when promised, but here it is now! My weekend technically begins Thursday at 5:30 or whenever my class is out. This particular Thursday I had plans with the museum science girls to go to Wild West which is a hip hop and country dance club in the Depot. It was pretty… interesting. I had a good time even though I ended up only really hanging out with Nancy, Mary and Hilary. I really like those three girls though so it was fine. The night started with us meeting at Nancy’s where we pre-drank a little bit and then we got a cab from Hilary’s to Wild West. We watched people dance and got some cheap drinks and eventually met up with the other girls for a few minutes and then headed back to watching people dance. Texas clubs are so overwhelming during country songs because everyone two-steps. And it’s not like during hip-hop where if you have a partner you dance with them and if you don’t then you dance by yourself. Pretty much, you have to be dancing with someone. So my new goal is to make Kyle learn to two-step. We’ll see how that goes. (Hint: probably poorly). Since Kyle was home sick and watching 24 with Sid and Amber, I two-stepped once but mostly just danced during the hip-hop-ish songs.

Friday, Kyle stayed in sick again but mostly just sleeping and Sid and Amber and I went to the First Friday Art Trail. I was so impressed! I was worried that it would be too Georgia O’Keefe and I’m not really her biggest fan, also I don’t like a lot of Southwestish art which narrows out the Taos scene. It turns out there’s a lot of painters who do things that I really do like here and the art gallery selection is pretty huge, especially on first friday. I made a couple lists of artists I was particularly impressed with and plan to return first thing in October! Next time, with Kyle in tow. Also, at the trail, we learned that the Llano winery which is right around here is pretty good at making wines so now we have plans to go on a tasting! I’m excited. I haven’t been wine tasting since last Labor day when Kyle and I went out with Duran and Neely.

Friday, we decided to go to the National Cowboy Symposium on Saturday but instead we went to the Pow-wow which was free. Unfortunately, we showed up right as they took their hour dinner break so we left without seeing much and ended up not returning. The chuckwagon cook-off looked like a lot of fun though. There were all kinds of wagons about and the leftover smell seemed delicious. Hopefully we’ll make it next year before we leave.

Last night, new episodes of Entourage started on HBO and also their new series True Blood aired its first episode. I really liked True Blood and I think Entourage is going to recover from what was a lackluster ending of last season. Hopefully, at least. Jeremy Piven’s character is as appealing as ever and seems a bit snappier than I remembered him, but then, my love of Ari Gold is pretty unfailing in its sincerity. True Blood was really good too. Maybe I just love Anna Paquin. Maybe I just love vampires. Maybe most shows with pilots on HBO are good (though Rome I found not catching). Anyway, I’m excited for the next episode and I’m hoping Anna Paquin ceases to be blonde soon.

Speaking of blondes… I dyed my hair lighter. In bright lights it is the color of honey and it makes my eyes look pretty. Kyle seems to like it quite a bit and I figure that in six or so weeks I’ll go red so I’d rather go from already-lighter to red so my natural hair color doesn’t suck most of the luster out of the red. Or something. Anyway, I like how it looks.

Pictures are up at pulse of the new furniture in the house and stuff from the rehearsal dinner!

We have it re-hashed

Jess on August 2, 2008

Moving out is going a little bit more quickly. I have my entire room basically packed, now I’m just cleaning it and actually throwing away the stuff in my drawers I decided I didn’t want (mostly trash anyway). Since Kyle and I finished the garage a few weeks ago, I just need to do the same in there, cleaning up and throwing things out and I have some other odds and ends to pack. Next is the major task of going through my book collection. I think my goal is to sort things in four piles:

1. books borrowed that should get returned which is a short stack.
2. books i’m going to sell which will mostly consist of books that are contemporary and not my absolute favorite that i’ve purchased and read and will not read again or feel the need to loan out. i’ll probably try to take these to lubbock with me and then liquidate them from there through some source or another, i’ve been thinking about bookmooch.com which would mean giving them away or maybe even half.com or trying to sell via normal used means like used bookstores, half.com and other places.
3. books i’m going to keep at my parent’s house which is a pretty large collection but mostly children’s books because i’d like to keep a lot of the one’s that i like and then some classics that i’ve already read.
4. books i’m going to take to lubbock and keep which is mostly contemporary books which i have purchased but not read and classics which have also not been read. and then of course my favorite authors books who i like to have around so i can loan them out. really, i should start loaning books out more

    My bachelorette party and bridal shower are next Saturday and I quit the cap-j next friday. Quitting the cap-j is leading to a period of terror as I have not been unemployed for a period greater than two weeks since I was just barely sixteen. So now I’m thinking that living in lubbock means I should look for a job, with or without going to grad school. I think I basically just have cold feet about going to grad school for something that wasn’t necessarily my first choice.

    The thing is, I think it is a great choice and a good option and after my internship which ended last week, I am really excited about the prospect of working in museums. I have just been a little hesitant due to some family issues in the last few weeks stemming from financial problems my cousin and his wife are having. Ack. Marriage is a scary institution that should not be entered lightly and I’m not sure that taking on so much debt for something I’m not positive I want is the best way to alleviate all that. Taking two years off and taking another shot at history might have me ending my life more fulfilled at whatever point that is, but then museum science offers so many wonderful possibilities as well. I chatted with Cara about all of this the other day and she had me more excited about museum science than I had been for the few days prior to the conversation so now I think i’m just going to investigate some part-time work in addition to grad school instead of full-time work in lieu of. But let’s be honest, I’m looking pretty heavily into both options and putting in some apps and places I think I would like to work.

    I’m very excited to get to Texas and have the wedding happen. Only 4 more weeks to the day! Eek!

    Here's your future

    Jess on June 11, 2008

    I got word on Monday evening that I am officially admitted to Texas Tech’s museum science program. Now I need to decide some things. Basically, I need to decide by December or sooner whether I want to do all of my correlative courses in history or art history or what. It’s sort of hard to say. I’d like to get into those courses quickly because I find that I tend to better mesh with historians than art historians. Although, I also really like the museum people that I’ve met so far in my internship. Of course, they’re contemporary art and not anthro/history/traditional art museum people. Also, it looks like Tech isn’t really teaching any graduate level courses in African history, or really any undergrad ones either though that doesn’t matter. Plus, they don’t have an actual art history masters program. This is fine, cos they have courses in art history at the graduate level and I don’t need enough of a course load to get a terminal degree in art history. They offer a masters in art education which requires plenty of art history courses so I can basically take whatever art history sections interest me as long as I only care about the west (this is basically true of all art history as art history is way behind regular history in realizing that something happened outside of the european tradition). So I’m thinking about taking intro to feminist thought course and then some contemporary art history. They have a graduate course on basically the art profession in its current state which I think would be super applicable for a career in museum law. It’s also possible for me to take courses through the law school on whatever strikes my fancy. I’m pretty sure that art and museum law is cross-listed in both programs which means that there isn’t necessarily a lot of courses that would be worth my while. Especially as law courses seem to be somewhat or completely impossible to transfer I think it would be better for me to just take mostly electives in art history or history or some other field rather than taking classes that I would essentially need to take twice.

    I am pretty much elated to be in. It’s nice because it guarantees that I have something to do in the fall and I no longer have to say that I’m only like 95% sure I’m going. I also feel good that my official admissions decision came without any strings being pulled. Although kyle and i had offers from both Joe and the chair of the comm. department at TTU to pull strings for us, it turns out that will not be necessary because I can go to graduate school on my own merits.

    I’m so excited to start school, now. I just want to get to Lubbock. We also got word that we’re good to go on the apartment down there and they are willing to pro-rate our rent for August so we don’t have to worry about paying full price to only live there half the month. Our current plan is to quit work by August 8 and then move there the following week. This should give us some wiggle room if we need to stick around for things like cable to get set up before we have to start class on the 25th and then fly back on the 27th to get married on the 30th. Oh blast.

    We are made to bleed, and scab and heal and bleed again

    Jess on April 22, 2008

    i don’t know who you were expecting/probably some bitch who does not budge/with eyes the size of snow/i may get pissed off sometimes/but you seem like the type to hold a grudge/and in the end, i just let go.

    Last night, my name was mentioned in an ad-hom attack against Kyle by someone who I’ve always given the benefit-of-the-doubt in situations despite the theories i hear to the contrary about what is said about me when i’m not around. Specifically, it was alluded to that I cannot even carry Kyle through the rest of our lives because I failed to get into grad school. Pretty much this started the melancholy, woe-is-me I’m not in grad school funk that I think everyone was expecting. But really, it’s not that bad. There are just some things I don’t really talk about because I don’t like to bring my personal world into the blogosphere quite the same as I used to. But the fact is, i don’t write things down except on the internet. And the fact is that now that my so-called failure has been broadcast to a community where I still like most of the people I’ve met through it, I feel like I should maybe go into a bit more detail about how I actually feel about it.

    Not getting into grad school is sort of a sticky subject. Stickier because I really do have mixed feelings on the deal. For one, I don’t like it when I decide someone should let me do something and they disagree. For another, I think the absolute best thing for me next year is to take a year off, spend some time adjusting to the real world and considering what it is that I have a life-long passion for. I don’t think I’ve day-dreamed about what I want to do with my life since I was a very littler girl. “Well, I could do this, or this, or this” is so liberating to think about. Now that I’m doing it I feel a great sense of relief that I have the ability to do it because I never really have before. After spending a summer thinking about what I wanted to do I decided on African History so I could further pursue the apes thing and then Joe told me I was “too fickle to follow” to grad school and so that flipped my stubborn switch and even after i wasn’t dating him and didn’t have to prove anything to him, I felt like I needed to prove to myself that I could stick to something. So that’s what I stuck to.

    And maybe I was right. I think my statement of purpose was purposeful. I think i have a vision and an idea of what I want to do…. but sometimes I don’t know quite where I fit in the realm of African History. Sometimes I feel like just another white girl trying to appropriate agency on Africans. It’s harder because I really like Pan-African movements. So in my utopia, I’d be out of a field of study. But then, history isn’t about studying what you are, necessarily. Bearman always says that History is a dialogue among historians which is true, it’s all a debate and a discussion about what’s been done and how we interpret those events… but I think historians are just really curious about their own identity and what it means to be human. Or at least, I think that’s one of the reasons I’m interested in it. I’m interested in African history specifically because I think Western feminism has a lot to learn from gender roles in Africa. It’s interesting to me both how societies have divided themselves and how Western women have sought out to wreck those existing systems and how now women’s standing is seen as so important to economic development in Africa. I also want to be an activist and I think the Great Apes Project lacks an historian in their approach to African history. So there is that. I have a passion for history and I have a passion for African history because I think more than any other field it allows me to voice my opinions. There are so many reasons why I want to be an Africanist historian that really it doesn’t bother me too much that sometimes I feel a little like I don’t know where I fit in. I also think I would feel the same way if I was an historian of Ancient Rome or something except the really passionately interested in it part. Cos I’m most certainly not passionately interested in Ancient Roman history.

    But I don’t want to struggle with the difficulty of a modern, academic job search while not knowing if I really fit in. I don’t want to uproot Kyle and I and get somewhere and decide it’s not for me. And so I think a year off is in order. And further, I think that even if I just feel that way about maybe burning out on history or African history is a ridiculous assertion that comes out of my defensiveness and need to justify to myself, or more my feeling that i should justify to others that it’s okay that i didn’t get in. But I’ll figure that out in a year off as well.

    I would also like to experience making money, just once. I want to spend time with Kyle without thinking about what homework I have due the next day. I am going to read. I am developing a book list of things that I want to read and I am going to read them because that is what I enjoy doing. And I haven’t had a booklist since I graduated high school… but I used to have a long one. Take the length of your netflix que and multiply or divide depending on the season and you have my booklist. I read so many wonderful and interesting things! I discovered so many worlds I didn’t know and how cool was that? I miss it desperately. And I’m going to do it again. And maybe next time when I get into higher education I won’t stop doing it.

    To be honest, I’m excited for my gap year. It’s just hard to talk about. I get a little embarassed and feel like I did something wrong or let someone (myself) down by not applying to more schools… by not applying to what would have been a surefire safety school. By not running just one more edit on my rough draft or not losing my jump drive with my better hook on it or whatever. Writing a longer statement of purpose for Iowa or Boston who didn’t specify how long it should be. Talking to professors in the department and catering my applications more. There are so many things I could have done differently but sometimes it doesn’t matter. And I’m just fine. And more than that I know I’m going to be just fine.

    I don’t have to fit into a little box where I can say “i am an historian” and have that mean something. I wrote such a long entry last December about how I just wanted to be a debater, a historian, a Catholic and a poet. But I’ve found that when I lose those things, I don’t lose who I am. I’m not less of a person because I no-longer debate or am not going to grad school in history in 2008-2009. I’m still me. And I adapt and I evolve and I change. And I choose more worthwhile friendships.

    with clarity comes a new purpose

    Jess on March 28, 2008

    I officially got my final letter of rejection from graduate schools for the 2009-2010 school year.  while i haven’t been blogging excitedly about this crusade against jess in the academic community, i am surprisingly at peace with their decisions.  Minnesota admitted 20 of 225+, Boston admitted probably around 15 of 215-or-so and as far as I can tell most of their admitteds in my position were deferred to Master’s only programs which they don’t get any money for, Iowa admitted less than 10 out of 100+.  So out of 500+ applicants applying for less-than-45 positions, I managed not to make the cut.  That kind of sucks.  I think a jess of years past would greet this kind of failure with some sort of sorrow or sadness.  So far, I’ve cried twice.  Only once if drunken crying doesn’t count and for me these days, I’m not positive that it should.  My first tears were shed upon finding out that I wasn’t in at Minnesota.  My second tears were shed over spring break when I was reminded by that cruel voice in the back of my head about the time that Joe said I was too fickle to follow.  I guess Joe was right, in his own way.  I think I said something like “I’m not too fickle to follow, I’m just a failure.”  That’s melodramatic and not even true.  The truth is, that universities are too fickle to pin your hopes on.  And here’s the thing, I expressed to Dudley that I wished I would have applied to less-good programs so that I could get an acceptance letter like my friends are, but the deal is… the graduate market is indicative of the job market and I’d much rather go through this now when it’s going to turn into a probably good story for my children in the future about the time i applied to three  schools and didn’t get into any so I changed my career path.  The moral of the story will be one of humility, resilience and why it’s okay to fail.  And it is.

    A little-known story from the night that Kyle proposed is that sometime after we got to the concert I was standing there with arms around me feeling heavy-hearted.  I said a quiet, tiny prayer that God show me what His will it was not for me to go to grad school.  Soon after, Kyle was on one knee asking me to be his wife.  Since that moment, so many things have been just falling into place that it’s hard to look at this new year off that I’ll be taking as anything but a good chance to take a step back and look at how I want to spend the rest of my life.  Maybe this is a sign that I should be going down a different path.  And so far, this new fork in my road looks pretty good.  For example, I have been offered and accepted a site administer position for a new website we’re doing at work.  It’s pretty baller.  I get to be the site administrator which is an awesome resume line, but further I get to sort of just add things to the site that I think fit.  Which is pretty neat responsibility.  Better? I’m getting a raise now.  The really awesome thing?  This job will translate into a freelance position that will pay some spending money and a good portion of the rent each month whenever Kyle and I move where we do.  More wonderful things are happening in my life, I’m just so excited to have a year to spend with my new husband, getting used to what it means to be married, before we dive into law and graduate school.

    In Antarctica

    Jess on March 13, 2008

    I’m probably due for an update but unfortunately there isn’t too much to update or too much on my mind.  I’m a little stressed out because NPTE is this weekend and Kyle is in Seattle now, rerouting to Tacoma tomorrow and he’s pretty stressed because they’re basically being stuck in a room forced to research for the last two days and debate doesn’t even start until Saturday.  I’m also embarking on spring break and a new project at work that is mostly just stressing me out at this point.  I think it’s really feasible that we’ll get it done quickly, but it’s hard to say.  And I only have until sometime Tuesday.  It will be good to have the extra money in my paycheck at least.  Also, i’m working on this student repository to set up by the time i leave campus.  It’s proving to be a bit more daunting task than I expected and I’m kind of overwhelmed by how quickly the semester is flying by.  Also, I have yet to hear from Iowa.  I have a good feeling about that… but I just wish they would get around to sending me the email or updating their website or something.  I’m starting to have a hopefully irrational and sneaking suspicion that they have lost my application.  Hopefully that is not the case.