always
i just typed up my essay for one of the college scholarships i have to finish. i was about michelle. and the state debate tournamenet. it makes me very very sad still. i guess death does that. but i’m all crying/shaking now and that isn’t much fun. pish. i feel guilty about winning state. like the whole tournament was for her. that was my personal motto/mantra and the same went for the jeff west squad. its just that i feel like why should i win the tournament and she doesn’t even get to be alive to go. its horrible to deal with.. i have to keep reminding myself that she doesn’t have to hurt anymore. and to have her here still just so i didn’t have to hurt like this would be selfish. it’s still so hard though. i miss her a lot.