why you'd want to live here
jarod has been really sad lately. because of amy. i guess. and because of me maybe a little too. i don’t really understand any of it. because he swore to me that he did not love amy when he and i were together but i always had my suspicions. i asked him point blank on more than one occasion and he was always like “no i don’t” “she hurt me too bad for me to ever care about her like that again” blah blah blah. he just loved her before he dated me and loved her after. right. at least i’ve never denied loving anyone. he still swears he didn’t love her when we were together which is probably why they got drunk and “touched” each other but “stopped before anything happened” because he “cared about me” but his way of “caring about me” was going to lawrence to see amy because he hadn’t seen her in a while and wouldn’t for a while, which was a fucking lie because it didn’t happen and where was i? i had one night that i could see him which was my first in two weeks and my last for about two weeks… and at that point i’d been upset because he’d never do a thing to see me. i remind you: he’d drive to goddamn lawrence but if i asked him to come out here or if i just asked him if i could drive to his house and we could go out on a real outing the way people that don’t live in their bedroom all the time do he wouldn’t do it. because he hated going out. and he hated doing anything with me. and most of the time i felt like he didn’t even want to be around me.
and now this. amy apparently upset him (again… again i quote “she hurt me too bad for me to ever care about her like that again”) and he’s really sad about it.. which sucks. i wish he werent sad. i really hope he can find someone that makes him happy, but fuck dude. you can’t be happy with someone else unless you’re happy with yourself. and that takes work. and that takes more than chasing amy. pun intended. except unintended in one way.
i really care about jarod. really, i do. i want the best things in all of the world to come to him and i want to see him do really well in life. he was one of my best friends for 5 months and i can’t just kill any attachment. i just wish he’d think about things before getting so sad about them. life is sad sometimes. but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be happy. things only get better if you make them that way. and i wish i could make him better. i wish that i could do something that would make him not be so sad because i hate seeing him this way. madeline asked the other day if i thought i could see him again… but now he’s like retroactively happy. i don’t think he would want me back (i just get that impression because he’s so mother-fucking-in-love with amy.) but even if he did i’d feel like he was (buh-bah-buh-bah-this-is-the-sound-of) settling. and i think he doesn’t realize that he wasn’t happy with me either.
this is just like in valencia when iris isn’t enough for michelle. even though she missed her like crazy when they weren’t together anymore. i’m not enough. no one will be enough though. cos love isn’t about what is or is not enough. its about what is. and i think we weren’t.
i think the worst part is that he doesn’t even see that i hurt too.
i’d like to state for the record that we broke up because i felt like i was the only part of the relationship that was active and that we didn’t get back together because he just-so-happened to cheat on me the day before we “took some time” and kept acting like that was the problem in our relationship.
we gots the no communication.