rolling, so hard
i’m so glad that we’re not always held to things that happen that are bad. or not even bad necessarily or things that we would completely undo, but things that given other circumstance would have worked out differently.
i’ve been thinking about j lately. he’s decided to refer to my by my last name instead of jess because of something about it being difficult to call me jess because that reminds me of who i was to him or something. but i’m not too comfortable with it. i guess i just feel kind of dehumanized because of it. like he can completely make me in that “just one of the guys” mode that i never was for him. because my last name is totally an identifier used by the guys. i’m not going to make a big deal out of it. if there’s one thing i learned because of j, its that fighting over stupid shit is stupid and you just shouldn’t do it. it’s either worth it to bring it up or you just kind of take it in stride and say “hey whoa, it hurts a little when you don’t call me by my name, name.. but i’m not going to be concerned about it.”
tuesday i had forensics practice until like 5:15ish cos they did all of these rounds of LD and then i decided to see if steve wanted to go out to dinner with me. i basically didn’t want what happened over the weekend to turn into this amazingly awkward relationship mitigator. so we went out to boston market and i had a lot of mac-n-cheese, then we went to washburn park and teetertottered. although i admit that people don’t go to washburn park only to teetertotter.
also, it snowed on tuesday and i was about the happiest camper in the world. lol. i went to kim’s for an hour or so after work and we played this great game with jewels that was kind of like sega swirlz for dreamcast. but cooler. cos there wasn’t that damn Curlz MT font. (geek alert). then i drove back to the dorms in the snow and practically skipped to the door because it all made me so happy. it was pretty awesome, i admit it. after kim’s i went to marcus’ party at the penthouse suites and had a good time. games with those boys are so much fun
i got to see stephanie and josh on wednesday afternoon. stephanie and i went to lola’s and had chai and pumpkin pie and she had coffee and we talked about everything going on in our lives which was really cool. i’m so glad she and i are always so great at being best friends. and we can just pick up where we left off and talk like everything happened in the hours between yesterday and today. josh and i are like that too. its always just he and i being friends and having a great time. totally amazing people. i think they’re wonderful.
wednesday was james birthday party as he was gone today (his birthday). i stayed sober as promised and that was great. i mostly stayed in the living room with whoever happened to be in the living room at that time. we listened to joanna newsom who was amazingly wondeful especially when cecily sang along. steve was there then too and we spent a lot of time on the couch and outside smoking cigarettes. i think i need to quit smoking socially. even if it was just one cigarette. even if it was a lucky strike. or even if it is a parliament. its time to quit that habit before it starts. time to be anti-punk rock.
thanksgiving was pretty good. i didn’t really grieve so much about my uncle as i thought i would. i got kinda teary on the couch next to my dad when he was sleeping and i was watching the game at my cousins house. it’s just a really tough holiday cos its always been my favorite. and i admit that i noticed his absence. but at the same time, i also noticed that we seemed to be much more like a family and this was one of the best thanksgivings we’ve had in years and i’m not too sure that these two facts are a coincidence.
luke: whats up
jess: not much. i’ve been dating this boy that i’ve had a crush on for the last two years
luke: lol, ok cool
jess: yeah and its more like 3 years.
luke: lol
jess: cos i totally thought he was beautiful when i met him. but you know. i didn’t really know him all that well.
jess: and now he kisses me.
jess: i am a little girl.
luke: haha, thats cute
jess: you have no idea. 🙂 its amazing.
luke: lol
jess: thanks for listening
luke: lol
luke: ok?
luke: 🙂
jess: thanks.
jess: i just haven’t had the chance to tell anyone
jess: yet.
jess: except you now
luke: oh you just started dating him?
jess: yeah. he kissed me last weekend but it was at a party and we’d been drinking so i didn’t really think it meant anything (i’m pretty insecure) then some other stuff happened at that party that lead to my decision the next day to lay off the drinking… and i thought i’d really fucked things up. so i invited him to dinner with me on tuesday and he just hung out and stuff then i found out that night that he was thinking about hooking up with me until the stuff happened after he left and he found out about it later through mutual friends.. but when he dropped me off at my car tuesday night he said to call him so we could watch movies over the weekend. then on wednesday we were at the same party and he held my hand. and then last night we watched movies at his house and tonight we went to dinner and watched movies at my house.
jess: and that’s the whole story
luke: lol, ok cool
—–and more, also
so steve and i have been dating and i really do feel all the things i said above. but tonight as i was leaving i opened the door and went to offer my goodbye kiss and realized that the door was opening more by itself than by my guidance and noted tim at the door opening it. so i was just like “whoa. hey tim.” and he was like “hi, and goodbyes” and i was like “yeah.” and steve said he’d call me tomorrow. and i kinda flaked out on my walk back to the car. cos there is definitely something strange about having kissed brothers on the same night last week and now be obviously pursuing one and not the other. oh well. they understand. tim was never thoroughly interested in me anyway. just for a fuckbuddy. but as it is. its working out in the way that i’m happy and steve’s happy and that’s utility bitches.