unhappy girl

i’m listening to the new weezer and writing papers at lolas and steve and i aren’t on a break anymore because he’s not my boyfriend right now and weezer has this way of emphasizing the sadness i feel about it.. man. it really freaks me out, too, rivers. i wish i could just figure myself out and be with who makes me happy. but this whole ordeal turned into a joe v. steve battle that was difficult to gauge. because the more heated the ordeal became the less i wanted either really. i don’t know. steve and i were kind of fighting a lot toward the end and i’m not sure what triggered it. i was thinking yesterday that we pretty much got along really fucking well when he wasn’t smoking pot and before that it was pretty good too. i think it was just really cool when he wasn’t smoking pot all the time because i always knew that i was talking to steve and not someone else you know? he decided to cut back or quit or whatever one morning when he woke up moody for no reason next to me in the dorms and then things were pretty good. especially from novi-nats to about nfa. but like the weekend before everyone left for nfa jotto started smoking up and so he started smoking a lot more too and i could never tell if he was high or not and i think it just kinda created a problem. not because i care if he’s high or not but becaue it effectshow he deals with me and how he communicates. and it makes sense that he didn’t ahve the words even though he knows how to communicate when i think about it that way. but i’m not going to ask him to stop smoking. and i’m not going to promise that would fix all the problems either. so i don’t know. i just needed to journal about it. i think.

sorry i’ve been neglecting my blog. it pretty much parallels my emotional health and i know that i havne’t been expressing or talking about any of the things that i need to talk about in part because i don’t fill this journal with my completley biased opinions or views of the world around me. and i’m so busy with class while all of this is going on. i have 4 papers to write. but i don’t think they’re the worst papers ever. you know? one of them is about 10 pages. which isn’t that bad given that my outline without finishing all the research i want to do is like 5 or 6 pages and i can TECHNICALLY stop the paper at 7 if i get there and feel its finished. but since when is this girl anything other than wordy? augh..

i haven’t even been writing poetry because poetry means honesty to my soul and i just can’t do it. i don’t even know who i am. i feel like i’m choosing what some girl over there should order today without knowing anything about her… “oh you should stay” or “oh you should go” both seem like really detached advice when i say it or when i think it because any given moment the idea changes. and then i listen to weezer’s new album and it changes back. or it just defaults to “save yourself for rivers cuomo because he’s luRvley. oh man.” in other news. i think i’m buying the new weezer. because rivers cuomo is and always should be my boyfriend.

i just hate how he knows for sure that i’ll always always take him back.

uncensored became worthless. oh fuck.

• Category: Journal