born with roses in her eyes
i’m shampooing the carpet and i’m really bad at it. i have zero work ethic on finishing this project. it looks like it’s going to take me about an hour less than predicted.. plus.. i used hard wood cleaner on the carpet for the first 15 minutes or so until i 1) ran out and 2) dad told me it was the wrong stuff. this error was mostly the fault of my mom who is too lazy to do anything for herself so she asked if we had the cleaner and i went to look for it and came out and was like “i’ve got no idea what i’m looking for . . .” and then they were like “it just says Bissel or something..” and I was like “There’s some hoover stuf in there that says floor cleaner” them: ‘yeah that’s it is there enough?” “yeah its unopened.” them “Cool” so i hardwood cleaned the carpet for a while today. moronic. and its all because mom won’t leave her glass of wine long enough to get another one. i swear. all she does is sit when she gets home. and i understand that.. but do you know what she would’ve done if she were here and i had accidently hardwood cleaned the carpet? Flipped out. that’s what she would’ve done. Oi. Luckily she was not home. so that’s good i suppose.
i’m meeting annaleigh to do copies at like 1 today in the comm office. this makes me sorta nervous because i know i’m behind on research for my speeches and i don’t know. i just feel like i don’t have time or initiative to do platforms really this year… but i still want to. in part because i need the money. poland is setting me back a lot and i’m kinda working extra hard on ld because i’m banking on a scholarship increase that will never happen. even though kevin and jim tell me i’m like next on the list to get a scholarship it’s not even close to true. or it could be. but it won’t matter. cos they won’t get to my name on the list. i wish the coaches would be more upfront about money, etc. like “jess we want to keep you around but we’re not really going to give you any more money …” would be a lot better than “you’re next on our list to give more money to” in my individual meeting and “we’re going to give money to tonya and jotto next” in the 1500 group meeting. i mean, honestly. why not just be upfront about it? if i’m young on the squad and you can’t measure my promise by 3 hardly tournaments especially when you don’t let me compete in what i’m probably best at then that’s cool and i won’t plan on a lot of money my sophomore year… but oi. fuck the rest of it. i guess i’m just saying all of this so i’ll expect it when it happens…
tomorrow is steve’s birthday. we had plans for it a few months ago. when we were still together. now we’re doing nothing but i’ll spend the day depressed because its his damn birthday and he doesn’t even want to see me on it. and i cancelled his present… because he wasn’t speaking to me and i don’t have the money to spend. so i guess it doesn’t matter. i think that at least part of the reason why we started to have lots of problems before we went on break was that talk he decided we should ahve about how i don’t contribute financially to the relationship and this was because i made a concious effort to cut back the ammount of money i was spending when i paid the app fee for the poland trip and realized that i didn’t have too much money to go to eastern europe and was freaking out about money and then i kinda felt bad about it that i couldn’t contribute financially to the relationship. and the fact that he noticed it made me really upset about it because there wasn’t a lot i could do.. i couldn’t get another job or anything to be a contributing member to the relationship and i just.. oi. i don’t know. it was hard. and i probably could’ve dealt with this more at the time or tell him or something but he was right. i wasn’t spending any money on him. but it was because i didn’t have it. now i feel bad again. aaaugh.