driving days of summer

i went driving with my brother just now to return some movies. it wasn’t so bad. apparently he only had permission from mom to drive to the stop sign, but he told me he could drive the whole way and for no real reason i just kinda decided to believe him. lol. he overdrives pretty badly but i remember learning to drive and it think that was one of the things i did most. it was pretty terrifying most of the time. though he’s probably a better driver than i was when i was learning although i was more likely to be overly cautious and i think he’ll have more trouble not accelerating so much into turns that he ends up in a ditch. haha.

steve and i hung out yesterday and we had a great time so i feel better about a lot of things. i think that it’ll be okay that we’re not together right now even though its hard to think about either of us seeing other people. i’m kind of excited about what my future has in store for me now. though i’m not going to go on and on about all of this because it makes me sick to my stomach.

that reminds me, i weigh 134 pounds right now. usually i give my weight as being about 140 pounds and i don’t really freak out about my weight at all until its at like 144. Though I don’t really like to weigh more than 142 but I never will do anything about it either way. I’m sure that some of the weight loss is due to the exercising i’ve been doing this summer but I’m also pretty positive that a lot of it has to do with my lack of appetite for most of the summer. I’ve been so upset about things about steve taht a lot of the time i just don’t even feel like eating. and then i’ll eat again for a few days then i feel like something else bad happens and i stop eating again and its not even that i’m not eating for weight reasons i just absolutely don’t feel like eating. i tried to force feed myself some french fries the other day and just felt really sick to my stomach even though i didn’t have that many. so i don’t know. i wish there was a way to combat this anorexia (in the loss of appetite sense, not in the nervosa sense). but i suppose i’ll just try to build back up my stomach by eating light things. i did have some ramen yesterday at james before i went to work and i got hungry for pizza today so i ate that. i just obsess over these things so much and i wish i’d stop. i know i’m not fat. and i know that i look pretty but i get really insecure about parts of my body sometimes. or more, i get so excited about the parts of my body that are noticibly skinny right now that it’s difficult for me to really want to eat again. like “well you’re already there.. might as well go on a diet.” ugh.

whee. on tuesday i was pretty upset and as i was leaving the gym, caitlin called and she was in town with allisa and matt and we went to the zoo (the zoo was why they were in town.. but what’s a zoo without jess?!) it was awesome. except for the elephants. which i took pictures of as records for animal cruelty. oi. KEEP ELEPHANTS OUT OF ZOOS! anyway. all of the pictures are posted on my photolog which you can access through the domain. i also put up a new layout that is by the decemberists. awesome.

joe got a haircut in japan. hahaha. i can’t wait to see it. maybe he looks like inyuyashi (phonetic spelling, not actual spelling).

yesterday i wanted to transfer to KU to major in linguistics to go work with Noam Chomsky on linguistics. because despite the fact that i don’t agree with all of his politics, he’s a pretty fucking rad linguist. cunning, dare i say? haha. well i’m done babbling about the things that make me happy that i’ve been meaning to talk about.

ps. i wrote more poetry. on the opendiary.

• Category: Journal