suddenly it seems
i had a really nice long talk with my dad tonight. it took place in two parts. the first part was about my life and what i’m doing with it and why the hell i’m spending close to two grand to go to polska. I talked about how what I want to do with my life isn’t going to pay so well and I need lots of experience and the ability to show law schools or wherever i end up going that I’m a good candidate to see following through on what she plans to do with her life. Then we talked about how I’m a vegetarian. He said today that he has a lot of respect for vegetarians and that he thinks its great but he could neer do it. For a while I thought it kind of made him angry that I think so many bad things about the meat industry and it was really nice to hear him say that he appreciates that about me. We then talked about men and boys and relationships and what I think I’m doing there. I really love my dad a lot. I’m glad that he and I can have really open conversations. He’s always been such a great example of a male for me. Like he always worked with my mom to complete chores around the house and they shared a lot of the burdens of housework and I really liked seeing that. He also set an example that showed that it was okay for him to cry around us. I remember the Hospice people telling him that this was important and okay for him to do and also recognize that he didn’t do it much before then and really didn’t start showing a sensitive side until after he and my mom patched up their problems, but i really respect the way that he is so sensitive about things. He’s amazing. The second part of our conversation occurred after I saw this FCCLA commercial about recognizing and stopping violence that featured Ericka and got really sad about it. She was just a speaker on it but man.. its so strange to see someone on tv that you know is dead. And I’ve been thinking about her a lot lately because I keep driving by the Sushi Station in lawrence (phone number? 785-842-TUNA) and remembering how at state she and TJ kept calling that number and asking what kinds of sushi they had and laughing. she was such an amazing, beautiful girl and i know the world is worse off without her. But she served a really great purpose with her life and touched everyone she knew. I only wish I could’ve known her better. And I try to server her memory well. I think I’d forgotten how young she was. And how alive. It’s so sad. I don’t really understand death. But I think that I know she’s alright. Mallory and I had really strangely coincidental dreams one night when we hadn’t talked to each other for a while. Mal dreamt that I had died and she went to my funeral which was exactly like Ericka’s and Ericka was there and held her the whole time like I had. The same night I dreamt that Mallory called me really upset but I couldn’t speak to her or understand what she was saying. I just knew she was really upset and that I couldn’t help her. Dreams are weird. Dad was talking about how he still has them about his parents and stuff. I hope that even post-mortum my parents still communicate with me. I’ll miss them.