If I could escape and re-create a place as my own world
I found out today that we aren’t going to Christmas, apparently. Apparently my cousin doesn’t even want us there because of the way my other cousin is acting. This just figures. I wish that mom and the rest of our family could put all of our problems aside for a few hours and get their act together enough for me to feel like I had a family. But, lately, I don’t.
Really, this all started when last year my mom swapped my furniture for her furniture one day. Because she wanted to keep the antique furniture nice. But that’s bs cos there are more dogs in her room and because my room is so small that it’s just ridiculous. Anyway. I got pretty pissed off. And I still really hate that room. Mostly, I just felt like I was no longer a part of my family because I didn’t live there. Now, though, I do live there. And so maybe some of that has changed. But I still really hate the furniture because it doesn’t even match and it takes up too much space and it represents this really bad thing. And I don’t have a desk now. I know that I’m being whiny but this is my journal and I need to be able to explain those things which are slightly emotionally traumatic.
So today, I find out that we’re not going to Christmas. Mom knows that I refuse to do Christmas with them if we don’t do Christmas as a family. Because I don’t really get what the point is. So I don’t know what I’m going to do. There’s an open offer to go to Weir with Cara and do Christmas there. I might talk to her about doing that. It also sucks because last year I would’ve jsut gone to Joe’s family. In fact, when mom pulled this bullshit there was talk of me doing that. But, of course, I can’t do that. So I don’t know what I’m going to do. I’m just really sad.
Last night I was probably at my worst that I’ve been lately and that’s saying something. I don’t know how to put it into words. I guess I feel like I am unable to be loved. I know this is melodramatic. Believe me, it is. I also know there are people that really genuinely do love me. I know that if I made a list, I’d have a difficult time counting those people on less than two hands. But then, I guess it’s just that the people who I think know me best claim not too. And that I can’t take the point and I don’t really get it.
When he asks me about the meaning of life my only answer is: Maybe you’re right.
3 Replies to “If I could escape and re-create a place as my own world”
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I have nothing to do on Christmas either. I’m eating with my parents on Christmas Eve. We don’t meet with my dad’s side anymore, and my mom’s family is getting together on the 30th, but immediately after my mom mentions this, she says, you don’t have to go, I wont really be able to see you there anyway.. So yeah.. I have nothing to do on Christmas. It kinda sucks. I know what you mean about wishing you could go to Joe’s family, because I do that too, except not with Joe.
And man, I really wish that my dad wasn’t so hard to get along with and my aunt wasn’t insane so maybe we could get together with that side of the family. It’s like they don’t even care about each other at all.. But I suppose Christmas is prolly mostly just hard for them as it as for me in the absence of my grandparents.. My grandma’s birthday is December 26th, too, so yeah.. It just hasn’t been the same since my grandma lost her mind and my grandpa died. I remember my parents didn’t even put up a tree that year… That was the year that my aunt decided it was too cold to drive all the way across Potwin, that whole two blocks ya know, to make it to our house for Christmas.. It was also my first year living away from home so it was especially hard on my mom.. And before, my mom LOVED christmas, I mean, it’s an excuse for her to be crafty and try new recipes, ya know. Before, she would decorate the whole house and make candy and unique christmas cards and go all out about everything… But that year, they didn’t put up a single Christmas decoration, my presents were wrapped ordinarily as opposed to the usual extravagance that my mom was known for.. And now, she’s gone back to doing all that stuff.. she puts out what she already has, but you know it’s just not the same, the energy is totally gone. She makes candy.. but not near the amount she used to. Christmas has become just another day with a slightly different routine..
Perhaps Christmas should become the new memorial day, but I suppose there’s not much of a market for the dead.
hey jess–
you’re right. you are loved by many people and you return that love. i hope that your christmas turns out well. you are always able to find the beauty in things because you are a beautiful person and i wish you a beautiful holiday.
much love,
amanda
you are invited to do Christmas with me and my famil. But apparently Emily doesn’t want to. Emily emily. And then there is ok with that this ok i wait.
what i meant is that it would be ok my family lvoes you and i lvoe you and everyone does and i am dri