The rainbow connection

Perhaps someday this entry will be public. But not today.

What the fuck am I doing here? Gah. I really hate it… I wish I never would’ve thought this up as a place to go. agh. It reminds me sort of Poland in terms of room layout and all that plus it is exactly like my brothers room was in the kids ward. I feel all awkward here and I just wish it were like visitation so I could see Bearman or Jarred or both. Brh. Sux0rz.

I hope no one finds out I’m here. Joe has already told Lacey. I hope he tell no one else mom really made me feel guilty for coming here. I wish she wouldn’t have been so upset. I also wouldn’t have been so upset. I also sort of wish I had some memory of the events of the afternoon that lead me here. Even trying to recount them to dad. I knew they were really skewed. I’m writing by the light of the bathroom and my handwriting sucks.

Here’s to being the lost generation.

I read a quote in a book I really liked. I guess it’s more of a phrase… in Alex La Guma’s “The Stone Country” he writes that prison wall, scratching and art is “Twentieth century man forced back into the cave.” Awesome. Is it bad that I relate this much a book about an apartheid prison based on my circumstances?

I think I’m on suicide watch. Fuckin weird.

Apparently, If I’m going to kill myself I have to accomplish it within a 15 minute interval with the door open. Fuck. Good thing I”m not suicidal.

Okay I’m about to go to bed, but as I was reading I was noticing how the light made my thumb look stubby. Then I was thinking about visual hallucinations and how the guy, David, who checked me in was talking about Marie Osmond and how she had PPD which which became a psychosis and she ran off for a few days. I’m unsure of the supposed to relate to Marie Osmond? Is she supposed to make me feel normal? if Marie Osmond is my new gauge for ordinary human behavior…we’re worse off than we thought.

• Category: Journal, Uncensored