Author: Jess

whee. i’m not even fucking tired and its 4:15 am. heh. i’m all jumpy now cuz i took too much ‘caffeine’ and i’ll never sleep. but its okay. i have that nice druggedy-tiredy-happy-uppers-high going which is the funnest one to have. how did i go all summer without this? i don’t know. but yah. it’s exciting.

i spent all of today with madeline. did i write about that? not yet. but i did spend all day with her. well i started school this morning until like 10 (1st days suck!) and then i went to laceys cuz i took her home and i sat around with her till 11 and then i left for silver lake but i went by mcdonalds first and jesse/beth were there with funny stories and then i saw steph so i talked to her and then i made it to silver lake finally a little after 11:30. madeline and i just hung out all day basically.. we watched movies and slept and cuddled. it was really nice. even if she does say that she doesn’t cuddle when she sleeps, i had a really great time just lying there with her. she makes me feel so content with myself when we’re just holding each other. like maybe i’m okay.

but lately i don’t feel okay.. i mean, not about her, because she’s great (even when she is crazy, i still lub-luff-love her) but because i went through that whole “hey i need to be crazy and go find myself” phase and then i did find myself and now i know who i am and i don’t really ever want to be around me. i’m such a bitch. i mean. fuck. i think i’m just really upset that i hurt madeline (i hurt everyone) and i haven’t been writing poetry lately so i haven’t just vented about it all.. which would also be really nice to do. augh. i guess now i know me, i just have to learn to love me. its such a long difficult process. teenagerness. yuck.

doo doo doo. i just watched the state of the union again. it really pissed me off. maybe i’ll start a new blog entry in political opinion about that. but i don’t really know.. cuz i mean man fuck. he hasn’t done half the shit he talked about in that speech. and the only stuff that has been completed 1) isn’t complete 2) i didn’t agree with then 3) has basically been admitted to being a lie. it just angers me. and he doesn’t even seem to upset about it. he’s so warhungry sometimes. i wish he’d just leave other countries alone and care about american sometimes. pay attention to what WE NEED HERE. because he hasn’t really done that yet. and i think we still have a long way to go before we start building other countries as well.

also, there is a new layout that doesn’t convert line breaks. so all my journals are just one big mush. which makes transitioning funny. oh well. i heart you hardcore.

i’m really bitter about clipper. it just makes me angry that josh is editor and i’m not.. i understand all that about how he’s been on staff longer and blah blah blah but last week when he didn’t show up all the time to help out and i didn’t have a page or a story this issue but i was there for a long time i just got fed up with it.. i really hope i get over this because i like josh a lot and i think he’s a nice guy its just that i have the time to be there as much as they need me but i’m just like “why should i be there?” because i feel like i’m not appreciated because i’m asst. editor not editor. really i should stop bitching. i do like josh. its just that i thought we’d worked it out to co-editors. dammit.

i went to lawrence on saturday with madeline and we lost my brother on mass street. he’s such a little prick sometimes. i told him he couldn’t go and he went anyway. and he said he was going to “the toy store” meaning just a toy store a few doors down but i thought he meant the store that is actually called the toy store so when we went to look for him he wasn’t there and i was freaking out and i’d had too much caffeine over that 24 hour period so i was twitchy anyway and then i like had a panic attack on top of it. oh and i was all distant toward madeline because i was trying to find the kid and i was afraid that the neighbor would see us being all lesbian-ish and tell his mom who would tell mine and then my mom and i would start fighting again. and everything has been so goddamn calm around here. i really like it that way.

last night i went over to stephs and we watched delicatessan, we also rented va savoir which we plan on watching today. its a french comedy. we had 2 bad jokes just in the renting of the movie. she picked it up off the shelf and said ‘i always see this. i wonder what its about.’ and i was like ‘who knows!?’ and she kind of looked at me blankly and i was like ‘va savoir means who knows. its clever.’ and she just stared blankly at me, again. tsk. 2) “haha its a french comedy” “the french have senses of humor?” yay. although we generally support french people and enjoy them. generally.

i tried to do my calc summer assignment(s) last night and i’ve apparently lost the sheet that it was all written on. this just figures. i also don’t have any paper. so i’m going to have to look into that. i’m kind of excited about school at least just a little. schedule: ap english, debate ii, seminar, ap calculus, french iv, ap government, is college literature, adv journalism. it shouldn’t be so bad. note the apparent lack of science. mwah-hahah. i feel like i’m avading the system but no. i just relaly don’t like science. 🙂 and my is in college literature takes place during the creative writing class, so i can listen in on that a little at least and then it turns into a free hour second semester. which i’ve decided to keep. rock.