Author: Jess

love is a guitar
smashed into an amp
and the sounds of the chords
are really breaking strings
and everythings so quiet
until you fall in love.

i can feel you like the eyes of a deer
watching cautiously from far away.
i possess a fear of looking back
i don’t want you to run away
and here i sit–on the front porch
i’ll wait. quietly if i must.

crushes are crushing, but love is smashing
and sometimes i feel smashed.
i hate the word crush
all of my crushes were empty
they changed into nothing

if there is one thing i learned from him
it’s that love is all there is
we can’t hold back
we can’t let go
“you have to tell her.”
and so i did.
and here i sit–in a desk
wondering, quietly, to myself.
what are you thinking right now?

don’t doubt.

the fire has started
it blazes through
my veins and I
feel the burning.
Deep down, I’m
not so cold.

the heater is on
as i drive on the highway
it’s blasting, i’m sweating
but I feel okay
there’s so much impurity (regret.)
i think i’d be good for you.
even if i’m just a phone booth to walk in to.

i couldn’t tell the difference
between you and your superhero.
“too bad you had to have a better half.”
everything is complicated.

our arms hang limp at our sides
and i don’t know what to say
it’s like i just spent months
gripping tight to my fear
and now it’s subsiding
i just want you here.

if this is how it has to be
then so be it.
but i like the way i feel
when you’re with me.

like waves in the ocean,
crest and trough
the waves are like hammocks
you hold me —
we swing gently back and forth
i thought i would feel empty
(like vases, i believe)
but then you sent me flowers
you held my hand
i’m swept away
in something,
and if only it’s the promise
that there’s something more,
something better,
something out there.
it’s still worth it.

today i truly smiled again
got all squishy inside
i felt alive like never before
when you held my hand.
i don’t want to be afraid anymore.
and if i don’t.. then i don’t.

your eyes close: you’re blinking
at the same time as me
no one notices
it’s all so natural, it seems
you take a breath: inhale sharply
we breathe in at the same time
no body notices but me.

i think i’m in love.
I think this is something.
i think i have to tell you sometime soon.
I can tell you you’re beautiful
but it’s so impossible it seems
it’s so natural it’s like waking up
in the mo(u)rning

when we walk together
when we take steps in unison
it seems better than natural
it’s logical
it’s reality: so realize it.

but i’m dumb
i’m mute.
i’m in love with a girl.

i feel empty
i feel blank
i want escape

make me fly
make me scream
i want to breathe

you are stars
you are night
i want to dream

kiss me gently
kiss me deep
i want to lust

touch me angry
touch me hard
i want to bruise

i want to feel
anything.

you feel like morphine
as you fingers coast slowly over my skin
i asked for you by name
now i’m drifting far away
on a road trip through my brain
i’m falling slowly and suddenly
i’m finding myself back where i began
love songs play on your radio
i feel okay, i’m not quite happy
we’re not quite there yet.
just a few more minutes
you’ll make me feel okay
just one more drive
i’ll return to sanity
and you can find your own way home
you can drop everything
again you can stop
everything you’re saying
we’re not bad for each other
we’re just bad for our dreams
we’re falling asleep
into nightmares
we’re not tired, we just leave
conciousness and sorrow
happiness is grand
i want to feel you breathing
and then i don’t want to feel you again
this is somewhat exciting
but i don’t want to talk about it
you’re heart’s beating faster
but a heart is only good for pumping blood.

it speaks in the back of my head
it’s like thunder
and i can hear voices when i sleep
they say ‘oh darling jess dear,
you know you love her’
but i’m afraid to even think
i hear her voice,
it’s so smooth, calming, pretty
i see her face
the beauty rages through her like echoes
and i sit here all alone
i hide behind thick-framed glasses
and wings (giggle, faerie)

they’re planning liquor runs behind me
but i understand a little better
i’m a little something more than
she’s a little something more than
i deserve, i deserve i deserve
(i deserve the worst)
but she’s beautiful when she’s angry
and she’s pretty when i hear my favorite song
she’s something to write home about
even if mom has it all wrong
and deep down i hope she feels it too
but i hide inside of my fear
she’s a gorgeous girl
and i’m in fear love.

Jess, I love you, and I can’t ever see that changing. I want you to be happy.
-BD

that’s what you say to me
that is what i believed
that’s what you said to me,
just two weeks ago
i said that i love you too
or that i loved you too
anymore i don’t know which is true
i don’t know what to believe.

i either hate you
or else I hate me
sometimes i feel like it’s kinda hard to breathe
in this oxygen tank
it’s corroding my lungs
and you’re breaking me down
like heart beats
(heart)(beat)

i hope it feels good to know
that i didn’t lie to you
i hope you’re gratified by my wounds
don’t get so angry
yeah don’t be so crazy
i don’t want to know
what you’re thinking.

he says if i need a rebound
his friend might rape me
i’ve got other thoughts in my mind
i’m afraid to let go
because i’d feel empty like vases
in the arms of someone else

you make me feel like shattering glass
comparable to that which i use to carve my ankles
creating scars that i just forget
creating scars that make me so beautiful
you make me feel like i am breaking.

you make me want to bash your face in
it takes all of me to hold back,
you used to hold my face down when you liked it
oh sweet irony, a 16-year-old boy, drowned in 2 inches of water.
you look so pretty all the time
but all that is is a waste
a waste of moments, a waste of kisses, a waste of breaths

my fears have all came true
why’d i let myself fall so in love with you
you hurt more than he did
he cared enough to push me around
you hurt more than he did
you’re battle wounds are beating my heart
my fears have all came true
How was i supposed to know i’d be hurt by you.

fuck you.
fuck you.
fuck you.
oh the pain you cause me
do you miss me when i walk away
or say fuck off.
you haven’t heard me yet
but you’ve never listened either.
fuck fuck fuck fuck you
just like you fucked me too
it scares me that i can be that wrong
it scares me that you can be this fucking dumb
it bothers me that this is relieving

when i feel weak, i still blame you
it’s the way you make me feel
I get so tired, I don’t know what to do
it’s the way you make me feel
and everything is spinning round and round

you make me broken like records
and you make me feel down down down
i’m feeling empty in discourse
i have no idea what’s gone wrong, again
and everything is sliding away

i want to dance on your gravestone
my grandmother says i’ll go straight to hell
i want to shatter your bones
my grandmother says it’s just as well
and everything is collecting in dusty, angry masses

i want to feel alive again
it’s the way you make me feel
i get so scared, I don’t now what to do
it’s the way you make me feel
and everything is stopping. completely.