Heirloom
you are like a quilt
some sort of patchwork
taking every good part
of those who held my love before
and the tiny little stitches
which make you seamless
also bind me to you
where i burrow in yr warmth.
i am like a bedframe
strong in my hollowness
and creaky with the unerasable memories
of those who have faded
into notches on my posts
but you could stay with me
knowing me by the scent
of weathered mahogany.
our love is like a matress
providing rest for our worn muscles
while being so externally generic
because comfortable is unillustratable
that is, how does one draw that
this is the only place we can sleep, held;
or when floods come and destroy us both
that this love will be our rescue.
are you feeling better now?
I’m feeling so much better today than I have been the last few days. Something about the alcohol last night just lead to a complete breakdown and I finally let go of those tears I’ve been holding back for days and days and months and years in some cases. I’m really glad Kyle was there to talk to, it turns out that any doubts I had about his ability to handle me when i’m crazy were completely unfounded. So anyway. I was outside with Kyle and Dudley and then I started coughing from the cigarettes and that made me sick combined with the alcohol didn’t help so I went inside so it didn’t happen again. Then, I decided it would be a good idea to email Madeline and just tell her everything I feel about the friendship we currently don’t have. I’m glad I did that. But at the same time, by the time Kyle came into the hotel I was sobbing. So he just sort of talked to me and I opened up about how much I hate that everyone who says they love me is also very mean to me sometimes. and How i hate that i just excuse everything everyone does to me that sucks on the basis of being like “well…. fuck… whatever… they’re (insert excuse for behavior here)” and i just wish i’d quit doing that. It was a good talk. About how I hate how much I try to be perfect and I’m never actually perfect.
I think I woke up with a new understanding of love. I think Joe was right when he accused me of not knowing what love was. But I think I was right to be offended because I did know what love was supposed to be I just was really jaded about it. I think I’ve lost that jadedness. I think I know what love is. And I don’t think I think it’s my problem anymore that love meant saying I’m a whore. I just feel like if you loved me then you’d know me and you’d know that I’m not a whore. You’d understand what it is I’m doing and going through and whatever. You’d know that my behavior isn’t even that bad.
I guess last night was a rough one. But I think I came out all the better. It was good catharsis.
addendum
and i can’t make poetry out of something so hideous
in fact, i can’t even feel
except for the occasional bubbling
of guilt and self-hate
and the darkening realization
that he had to know what you meant
because i said it over and over
and he had to feel the hesitation
behind my giving into
what he was taking
filtering out the melancholy
i could write a novel
based on the transitory way
in which i smoke cigarettes
like nicotine is my forlorn lover
and i’ll hate-fuck myself over
wishing for a greater alternative
to this love-hate game i play with myself
like in every single heartbeat of
inhale-exhale-inhale-exhale
i would escape my new
and ever-lengthening tragedy
all there is is you and me
and this aching regret
combined with all the puking
which leaves me feeling
retributed more than better
and i could suck cancer out of this stick
but this drag is more
self-destructive than the last
and the taste of self-loathe
leaves me humble
and aching for more
while i look for reflections of myself
in the rorschach-blot yellow of the filter
revenge would be the greatest mistake
i am the female figure fragmented
against a sidewalk of my own regret
and that swandive i took
wasn’t worth the climb up the stairs
or the pool of blood i left
and i was enculturated
to believe that blood and skin
and lifelessness
can be traded for its weight in oil
but prices stay high
despite the ever-climbing death toll
and i meant for you to be anything but
my latest, greatest victim
you, my darling, are my
latest, greatest hope
and i don’t even have the words
to explain that the words
i say to you are different
than those that have fallen on any other ears
it’s not even about this long drive
for someone with nothing to say
it’s about every boy or girl
who ever came before you
and the new sensation
of fear which arises
not from the stunning reality
of our love like an aurora
which we drove so many hours to see
but from the lack of fear
as i fall into that love with you
i guess i was looking for someone to catch
me beneath the weight of my own bad decisions
not out of fear of being alone
but simply out of love for me
even in my failures you exceed my greatest dreams
and my apologies are as much for my actions
as for actually having tested something
which i never needed to
and i love you more than you could ever understand
but i’ll spend my whole life trying to show you
O, I think they like me
Sometimes, i’m just really glad I have a sense of humor.
And that I can say fuckoff when need be.
It’s also sort of nice in a silver-lining-kind-of-way that I no longer have to take my mom’s judgements about my life seriously.
Being the star
I like Colorado a lot because I just heard Ani on the radio on our way into Colorado Springs. It’s also achingly beautiful. I love it. Tomorrow we have a brilliant day of adventures planned but today we’re just going to relax. Last night was perhaps the best party i’ve been to in quite a while. It was nice because I had vodka which I haven’t done in too long and because I got to talk to a lot of people I hadn’t talked to before, or you know, people that I knew from around but they didn’t really know me… like Tauber and Darryl. And I think it’s just fun to party with debaters. Even if Kyle was bummed about the results and mildly beligerent and I had to keep fielding awkward questions about my sex life.
This is how I feel about everything.
Fuck you.
Another bad night
So tonight turned out to be a bit of a mess. Agh. And all of it starting when I’m off work at like 11:30. But two hours and one visit from the sherriff’s department later, all is well. And I’m taking my brother with me to Wyoming/Colorado. Agh. It’ll be nice to get away, I think. But mostly I’m just sort of pissed off about all of these circumstances.
I may have told my mom that if I felt like she loved me I wouldn’t have to fuck random boys. Yikes. Harsh. Though probably true. I just hate it when they try to turn things around on me, you know. I hate it when they tell me that I’m whoring around and stuff like that. It’s not true. And it’s not fair. And even if I do want to have sex with random boys(/girls) they can just fuck off because it’s my life to do something with. I feel like i’m not even a part of my family sometimes. My brother was really upset and depressed tonight. Looking to show them a lesson after the motherfucking cops came and did motherfucking nothing. Fuck cops, by the way. They should be like vampires where you have to invite them into your house or they can’t follow you into it. I think maybe they are that way, basically. But I think there should be an anti-authority force field. They just freak me the hell out. And the one that went to talk to mom just happened to be a friend of hers. So of course nothing happened. Fuck. Anyway. It was just about a terrible night.
I hung out with Jeff, Kelsey, Whitney, Cody, Joe and Roger for a while this afternoon. I’m still undecided on whether or not that was a good idea. I know that I don’t want to try to keep Joe from having friends come up and stay over, I mean, that would be unfair. I’m in a relationship and I’m happy. I also don’t want to sever our friendship every time one of us has a girl or boy around. So I don’t know. It was just… weird. And it was weird getting home and seeing the pictures of them on facebook cuddling last week. I don’t really know what I expect. Maybe I’m just not quite as ready to accidentally stumble upon those things as I thought. It’s also weird that it’s my bed. And my comforter. And that will continue post his graduation. So it’s not even the same as me having someone sleep in my bed with me cos that will always be my bed you know. But the bed he has will return to my possesession again. So that just makes it a little weird for me.
But that said, it’s been a month with Kyle now. I was rereading his “On Things” journal entry and he talks about how he’s really excited to get to know me and to learn about himself too. I think about how close we’ve become in this past month and it’s really amazing to me to see how close we are even after such a short period of time. I really look forward to all the opportunities we’ll have to grow even closer. And I’m still really happy that the people in my life who I care about are starting to come around.