Author: Jess

It’s like I woke up as someone new today… which is refreshing.

First, I woke up ready to go at nine and just laid around for a little while playing online. I was fiddling around on suicidegirls, no pun intended, and continuing my anarchy debates. they got interesting. it turns out someone on there can actually engage a good discussion about anarchy. awesome. so i replied to that post and talked about what i thinkt he ideal system would look like and why i think some form of competition would develop in the system and then i got all excited about mujeres libres and friended the boy who made the post in the first place. how fun. I really like anarchy. And I like having dialogues with anarchists that are awesome. Woo.

Next, probably exhillirated from my shower in which i got the perfect ammount of water in my hair before I shampooed and managed to work up a healthy lather and then my good anarchy discussion… I cleaned my room up some. Mostly, I just took my clean clothes out of my laundry basket so I could reload it with the dirty ones in piles around my room. This should make tomorrow which I have appointed laundry day much easier!

I decided somewhere during that last part of the adventure that I would go to the gym today. So i packed a SRWC bag. Yay. And I actually went, but that comes later in the day. So I went to lunch with Joey then where I monopolized conversation as is my custom. next time I’ll have to remember to let someone else talk. I’ve been kind of bad about that lately. Mrh. I’ll learn sometime.

After lunch was class which was good except my medicine made me really restless so i spent all of class not being able to sit still or really focus on the lecture. The lecture was really interesting though. We’re learning about the architectural transition from mastabas to step pyramids to proper pyramids. fuckin a. it’s awesome. i get really excited about it because i love pyramids so much. and it’s such interesting technology and really amazing. i realized in class that really it’s not a 7th wonder of the world. it’s pretty obvious how they transitioned. it’s not like there were just suddenly these pyramids in the desert… there was so much trial and error. and it’s so great. my favorite is the fallen pyramid because it’s such a beautiful failure. they’re so cool. i can’t wait to go see them sometime. even if i have to wear muslim lady clothes while i’m there.

After class I went to the gym because I’ve been feeling all insecure and i need to take care of that. And it turns out that sitting around feeling insecure doesn’t actually defeat insecurity. So hopefully the combo of no soda and me exercising will get this extra 15 pounds off and then i’ll be happy. I’m not eating french fries either. Cos seriously. Grease. Ew. And I’m going to try to eat better. And I’m going to get a livejournal where I pretend to be anorexic cos that’s so trendy. That was uncalled for and insensitive. Oh well. I spent like 30 minutes on the bike. Then I walked a lap so that the next time i sat down i didn’t freeze in bike position. Then I did all the arm and leg machines. My legs are much stronger than my arms. This is to be expected I suppose. And I suppose it will start to get better. I just really like being toned. And someday I’ll start doing crunches and hand weights in the house. The thing is… I just exercise much more in the SWRC cos i don’t lose interest.

After the gym, I called Kyle and headed toward Lola’s. I listened to the Thermals who I like more and more each day.. Then I ate a sandwich and read The Elegant Universe for a while. I think I’m going to take up Bearman’s advice and try to read more. He says that if you’re not reading 2000 pages a weeke you’re not even trying to learn. I think I agree. At the very least I agree that most of the activities I regularly engage in are just rotting my brain. I’m also so excited to be readinga bout science which I don’t know that much about. I know two things about string theory. One, Everything is everything and also this one that I invented It’s all circular. This is because I was listing things that were everything and was like “Yo yos are dogs are toys are yoyos dammit. it’s all so circular.” So that’s the third rule. How exciting! I’m really liking this science class. There’s a sweet quotation in the preface of this book too. I’ll have to pull it out. Gimme a second….

When science is widely seen as an integral part of what makes us human, our own connection to the cosmos will be sginficantly strengthened; truly, sceince is the thread that weaves us all into the fabric of reality. – Brian Greene.

Oh yah. Now I have to start doing homework. I’ve wasted too much time on the daytoday lolligagging of the blog world as it is!

My camera came back!! Yay! Now I have all of my peekchures from Webster/USAFA to post. and pictures of that painting I destroyed when I realized I hated it. Now it’s much much prettier and it hangs over mybrothers bed which is about the best compliment a brother could give his sister.

I watched Marie Antoinette in three sittings… yesterday and today. It was pretty good. But it’s by Sofia Coppola and it shows because there is no actual plot action. EVEN THOUGH THERE COULD BE THERE IS A FUCKING REVOLUTION, SOFIA, WHAT ARE YOU THINKING! Anyway, the dresses in it were very pretty and I think the movie was pretty good. If I had to summarize it, I’d say it’s just about a girl trying to get laid by her husband. That’s the closest thing to rising or falling action I can claim.

Ps. Zoo Tycoon is awesome. This zoo I’m making has warthogs. Cute! They’re named Mutt and Jeff, but they’re african words for Mutt and Jeff. And everyday the zookeeper yells “Your names are mutt and jeff” and they’re like “our names are kutekente and szhaka zulu!” and then they get beat. I imagine this is how my zoo works. Awesome.

I was tagged by Shasta. And after reading post-secret before this, I think I can be ready for a good melo-dramatic public secrets session.

Rules: Each player of this game starts by writing 6 weird habits or things about themselves. The people who get tagged need to blog their own 6 weird things or habits as well as state the rules clearly. In the end you need to choose 6 people to be tagged and list their names. Don’t forget to leave a comment in their comment section that says that they are tagged and that tells them to read your blog section.

1. Sometimes I’m more jealous than I’d like to be, and in weird ways.
2. I miss being a debater more than I can explain.
3. I have everything in my gmail organized into labels. Each label has a category. Like EN for Everything/Nothing which is myspace, facebook, SG, and soon Last.FM as well. Or LST for list serves. ORG for organizations. BUS for businesses (apple, et cetera). It’s a sickness.
4. I paint my nails mostly because I love picking my nailpolish off so much.
5. Whenever I have “free time,” I watch Buffy.
6. I weened myself off of text messaging all the time, mostly by cutting down the number of people I text message regularly to 3 or 4.

I tag: Kyle, Kandy, Janelle, Cara, James, Tim.

Sun 4 Mar ? Cold War Kids, Tokyo Police Club, Delta Spirit

I went to see Cold War Kids with Joe tonight. The concert context was mostly awkward, but the rest of it was really good, the band and all of that.

The opening acts were Delta Spirit who I missed because I was on my way home from St. Louis. And The Colour who I wasn’t overly impressed with. The one thing about The Colour is that they reminded me of the Rolling Stones which I think is more based on the jerkey motions of the lead singer and his hair like Mick Jagger than it is anything else. Either way, The Colour was alright. I think they had a good live show, so if you like their music you’d probably be worth it to go see them.

And the Cold War Kids, of course, were worth all 11 dollars of ticket. In fact, I’d say they were worth all 33 dollars of 2 tickets + service charges. Even perhaps worth the awkward quasi-fight drama I was having throughout the show. Oh my. So the band was pretty awesome. They’re version of Cold War Kids ? St. John was probably the best performance of a song I’ve seen since I saw Moneen live. They brought people out on stage and partied around playing lots of instruments. I think it really created an awesome sound to the song, and I like the song a lot anyway. It’s fun having something to sing along to and we all know that I love it when a band sounds different live than they do on the album. Plus, I love having obscure noises to dance to.

The rest of the concert was completely danceable and included two covers. They covered John Lennon ? Well, Well, Well and Sam Cooke ? A Change Is Gonna Come. The cover of Well, Well, Well was really good. it was good and dancy while also being pretty sweet. As in, it sounded like one of their songs more than a song by John Lennon so that’s awesome.

Also, I think their cover of A Change is Gonna Come was pretty alright. The problem with it is that it was their first song of the encore. Who opens an encore with a cover? Maybe this is common among bands who play covers… but agh. I didn’t like it. My skepticism about that song choice was only further accelerated by the skepticism about the song being performed by the Cold War Kids. I suppose their introduction to it which pointed out its importance to the civil rights movement made it okay that they were covering it, but I don’t know. Sometimes, I think it would be like a man covering Gloria Gaynor – I Will Survive. There is something just lost in the translation.

Oh I neglected to mention in the original of this that they danced a lot together on stage. And it was really hot. In a homoerotic sort of way. Like that scene in The Departed where Matt Damon is handcuffed by Leonardo DiCaprio. Hot. Hot. Hot.

I think that’s all I have to say about seeing Cold War Kids live. I’d do it again, for sure.

I’m at Einstein’s Bagels enjoying the end of my afternoon alone in St. Louis. I’d say that today sort of sucked because I ended up three miles away from where I decided I wanted to be and when I tried to walk there I ended up going the wrong direction because I got discouraged by a guard rail, but in reality I think that it’s all turned out okay. Because my walk was nice. And I ended up spending a while laying around in Forest Park which was entertaining. And I could say that today sort of sucked because instead of getting McDonald’s coke this morning I had White Castle coke instead. But then, the white castle trip meant hanging out with Kyle in the car longer than I would have gotten to if they took less than a half hour. And he said I’m the “best girlfriend ever” as a result of that White Castle and I think that’s a fair trade for subpar coca-cola, even if it’s lent, even if they didn’t give me a straw. And I could say that it sucks that at Einstein’s they were out of regular coke syrup so I had to get Cherry instead… but who expected Einstein’s to come through for me in the first place? Not this girl, for one. So today’s been nice. Because I’ve found myself left with nothing to do or no way to do it. And Now i’m sitting with my back to the sun and the warmth of it all feels great. Listening to coldplay on the Einstein’s radio is indeed the most painful thing happening to me and that is obviously fixable with a little iPod + Shins collaboration.

Coke makes me so sick when I don’t drink it regularly. I wish I didn’t love it so damned much.

My weekend was pretty flipping fantastic. I got in Thursday night late and we had a nice long drive back to Carbondale which was dotted with bad radio and good conversation, all those things you really want in a long drive. We got into Carbondale sometime after midnight I think and went to sleep pretty early. I think that’s a really nice part about us being near each other… we actually sleep. Because we don’t need to spend an hour on the phone to catch up on each others days. Though I really like those phone calls and surely don’t mind the late nights.

Friday I spent the whole day starting/finishing my paper for History Forum. I think it’s going to be the best paper I’ve ever written. In fact, I think it’s already starting out close to that. The fact that I’ll be editting it and polishing it really gives it the opportunity to surpass any potential it’s already showing. So I wrote-wrote-wrote until about 1 and then we left to get some lunch at the thai place. I was initially bitchy about my options at the thai place by i settled for some pad wonseen and it turned out to be delicious. Little did I know I shouldn’t whine about things, even just to myself. I finished up the paper by the time it was due and set in on the Heartland Blush a little early (5 p.m.) but about 1 hour after Kyle started. We curled up in his black chair and watched the Departed with Duran. Man, that movie. Fucking right. I love it. The boys, who hadn’t seen it before, turned out to be fans of it too. I don’t really know how you could not like that movie. Unless you’re one of those fitness freaks. Go fuck yrself. (Lol. I think Kyle’s going to have to get a laugh track of him recording that line so he can just push a button for easy release… he says it so much. It’s cute though.) So after a few glasses of wine… a good break from reality… and a shot of vodka mixed into an 8 oz. cranberry juice… it’s time for the night. Thus the Graffitti party. Yay. that was mostly awesome. Generally, I expect to feel out of place at TKE events, because I’m nto really into the greek scene at any school, but assuredly not at one where I don’t know anyone but Kyle and his friends. The sweet thing is that Kyle and his friends are just really good people. Sure, they drink, but they’re also really genuine and you know that they just really care about each other. So knowing just them at a party is really enough. And the cool thing about the graffitti party is that the point of the party is to draw all over people, so as long as you have a marker it’s easy enough to make friends and Kyle’s a pretty popular kid so he’s a good in to other people at the bar. We got me nice and sloppy drunk (I think I got cut off about 9 p.m.). We ate Don Taco. We talked to Winston about how I drove 6 hours for one of his bagels and he said I have my priorities straight. Then we walked back to the dorms at a decent hour and went to sleep by 1:30.

Saturday we had a wedding to attend in St. Louis (er..DeSoto, Mo.) and so we piled into the car at 11 and grabbed a pizza on our way out of town. I really dig how laid back we are together. it’s nice to make plans to leave at 11. Then not leave till 11:15 because we get caught up brushing on our hair and doing whatever it is that we do. We made it to the wedding about 10 minutes before it started and Kyle got to see how good I am at being Catholic. I think he mostly just thought it was cute and was sort of amazed by my good practice. After the wedding there was some St. Louis Bread Co consumption (I hate stlbc but the soup was yumyumyum.). The wedding reception was awesome too. Again with the Kyle having really great friends thing. We hung out with Dustin, his high school debate colleague, and Dustin’s brother. And this guy Tom who was friends with Kyle’s brother @ Rolla. And Juanita, that guys girlfriend. And the girlfriend of this red-headed kid who never said enough to be worth mentioning. Stellar. I drank like a little Bud-Light-breathing fishie. Yum. And I didn’t get sloppy drunk. And I drank an impressive amount, especially for me. Hah. What a good night. Kyle got at least a little close to sloppy drunk and I got to be entertained while he wrestled Dustin and his brother. Haha. Boys are so cute. Apparently the reception became even more exciting when it returned to the bedrooms, but by then I was pretty tired and Kyle and I just went to sleep. I was out before midnight. How embarassing.

So this weekend has been a good one. Just what I needed. And next weekend, my boyfriend will be in Blue Springs/Topeka to spend as close to an entire week with me as we can get without tanking my grades or ruining his relationship with his family. And we’ll be doing that whole meeting each other’s parents thing. Cute.

So I’m in Carbondale again. This time because I planned it. I’m really excited that I am here. And stuff of the sort. I’m sort of drunk. This is maybe not how I planned this entry to go. Agh. Here is how I meant it to look:

I had a really great time on the drive up here. It was awesome being with jotto and annaleighzard and jennae. sweet. and we had good long girl-bonding talks. sometimes it hink road trips are the best ways to get to know people. and the awesome thing about them is that you end up having really good talks about everything or most things that have been going on. and this trip, despite any possibly awkwardness, really wasn’t awkward at all. like i talked about earlier, i’m really happy that jennae and i are getting along again. it’s really shitty that we stopped being friends over that tyler boy. i guess i get why it happened. but i mean, i don’t know. i guess that in the end what matters most is what happens now.

everyone is here. i like kyle’s friends a lot. i’m glad that we came here. or that i came here. i’m glad that the rest of us went to st. louis though, that was an awesome idea. and that it meant i got to see kyle is even better. we have a grafitti party tonight. yay. i liked gatsbys last time and i think i love winstons even more than that. here’s to being drunk since five and dancing (and still being able to blog.) originally, i typed the parentheticals as “and still being able to drive.” that isn’t true.

Oh last night was such a good night! From the shot of Jim Beam I took over the phone which was a toast to the weather which is honestly crazier than I am (seriously, it’s both hot and cold today. My natural habitat.) to the new jewelry i have made myself to the henna i now have on my hand to the hours of phone call I had… it was a pretty awesome night. And it’s nice to just take the night off and relax. I woke up much easier than I have been. Maybe that’s because I know today will mostly be a good day… but I just have this really awesome feeling about it all. And i can’t wait for today to happen.

For some reason my domain has decided that it would prefer to just not work rather than be cooperative and let me blog there… so I’ll crosspost this entry to there, later. I’ve had an interesting day. It ended with me sitting here on my laptop drinking a blueberry+passionfruit italian soda after having bought some new beads for my macrame rosary. how joyous. i fought with joe today. i don’t really know how i feel about it, i guess i do. i mean, it’s just difficult. i think we maybe needed to fight. i think sometimes that we’re just terrible to each other. we’re not very good friends for each other, though i know i’m trying harder now. i’m trying to support his relationship(s) with whomever it is that he might be seeing. i know i still get jealous which makes it complicated. and is a sure mixed signal, but i’m trying not to let that affect me. it’s so difficult sometimes, all of the feelings and things. and i would really appreciate if he would just tell me something nice. instead of making me feel like everyone in my life is a lie. they can’t be. and even if they are… i think the people i have deep friendships with are just that… deep friendships. and sure there are people in my life who i have shallow friendships with, but those are okay. i don’t expect a lot more out of them.

that said, we talked about how i apologized to jennae. i agree that the situation there is also really complex and not something i’m too happy with. it’s so difficult to overcome my feelings about things though. joe says that i have no right to call myself a feminist because of how i treated her. i dont’ think that’s true. but that said, i feel deeply sorry for the way i treated her. it’s so difficult when you have that insecurity of being in a relationship where there even needed to be an other woman. but let alone when that woman is someone you’re friends with. and when you feel like they had to know what was going on. and it killed me everytime. i guess i just needed to feel like he really wanted me and was just afraid of what we had. i still sort of feel like he just got scared of us. or something. but it really really doesn’t matter to me anymore. i’m just glad that i don’t feel hurt by him anymore. i like that i can fall asleep without him crossing my mind. i’m glad that i’m finally at a point where i’d just be happy for him when he was seeing someone else… even if that person was Jennae. who would now be THE woman, not the OTHER woman. That’s complicated. And it’s not very much fun. But it doesn’t make me less of a person just because he cheated on me. There are boys who deserve me and there are those who don’t.

Joe also says that the only reason I can get over Tyler is because I have Kyle. He says that I always do this. But I know that getting over Tyler had to come first, even if this was the case before. For one, I was so damaged feeling after that relationship that I really didn’t want to trust anyone again… even people who i felt were alright before. And even Kyle. There was a part of me that was just like “Augh every boy is going to make me feel this way, fuck them, fuck them, fuck them.” And I guess I maybe meant that fuck literally. But I think you’d act the same if the only thing that you’d let matter to you was yr clit. And that’s selfish, and it’s unhealthy, and it’s something that I’m glad I’m no longer pursuing. I dont’ know when it became okay for sex to be JUST SEX with me, and not something else. I guess that’s something I’m going to think about. All that fucking really wore me out. I’m tired, so tired, I’m tired of having sex but really, I was so tired of fucking. So tired of not making love come true (i’m going through a weezer phase, bear with me). Just nothing mattered but how I felt.

I had a conversation with Stephanie when we were talking about how I really needed to leave Tyler over coffee and she said that the complicated thing about intercourse is that you can fuck, have sex, or make love to basically anyone. Like if I hook up with a good friend, it could be making love even if I wouldnt’ consider them someone I would date. And if I sleep with my boyfriend whom I love, it could be fucking. It’s all a matter of context and how you do it, I suppose. And that’s what makes it different. And that’s what makes me not dirty for having any or either or all with whomever. Like I told my mom, I’ve never accidentally slept with someone. And maybe there are people I’d take back. But that’s alright. I’ve learned those lessons and I’m moving on.

I feel like that ani lyric: “Since when did this me-me-me-me-me become the be all and end all of me?”

I know that what I’m getting angry about took place two weeks ago, but I still want to clear this up. Because I don’t like it when I see that I’ve been called a whore. Again.

Here goes.

I am not a whore. Nor have I ever been. I don’t know what qualifies me as being a whore because the only thing that I can figure out makes me a whore by your* definitions is that I engage in sexual relations with people who I want to date. This, at best, makes you a whore too. At worst, it makes you worse than a whore because you have sex with people who you would not date. And if that’s not true, then you lie about having sex with people who you would not date.

Whore should not be a word that you use to make me feel bad. It is not deserved. And as of two weeks ago, I’m just tired of how I let that word work. Also, my deciding to sleep with Kyle was completely my decision and based on feelings I had for him. Just tell me why I should think I’m a whore. That’s all I care to know.

*you is collective.