Uneasy
I am angry at everyone who has ever called me a whore.
Including my own mother as of this morning.
Add that word to the list with tramp and faggot.
If I hear it again…
And another thing
Censored.
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beauty where it is(/not?)
my body, like clockwork, requests you
in the steady tick-tock of our hearts
the pendulum sways with opinion
moving quickly from good idea to bad idea
and returning to settle at
four : forty-seven a.m.
like a kind of off-quarter charm
saying the best answer to indecision is action
and seeminglyu suddenly,
the only place to look is your eyes
this is not the poetry i am seeking
but i sweat through it and in the struggle
to remain vaily quiet i let go of something
in the rhythm of our passage of time
i see myself reclined in the half-moon shape
four-to-five-to-six
i wonder what words are spilling from our hands
but i’m almost sure i hear the sing-song tales
of an innocence untainted
by these childish games we play
but, then, if even the most traumatic moments
are beautiful in their poetic form
then surely we can reset
the choking phrase of one-night-stand
in the romantic movements of your fingertipos
as yr right hand slides from left to right
in the cupping of my body at the shoulder
and the ring of a brand new alarm
confession
i’d send you my apologizes on the tips of yr fingers with the slow kiss of my lips
but you won’t give me the time of day
and by night we lose ourselves to the melodrama that defines us–
it breaks my heart that we are just our game
of fuck-over vs. hard-evening-fuck vs. any less scary option
than the full actualization of us.
i meant it when i say i only want to love you.
fragile;
my menstruation announces itself
first, by the slight smell of power like rust
and then, the hallucinatory spiral in my pantiesi fall into the vision of my womb
displayed within the glory of my blood shed
dying and regrowing in the life cycle
and the death cycle of our human failures
i blossom in the regeneration of a new month’s mistakes
looking for an alternative
to this dogged obedience to my cunt
((he’s correct when he says i no longer speak of feminisms))
i only look for some new strategy
i want independence, unjudged
remove me from the society whose barriers i ignore
my demands are for liberty or death
but let me acquiesce,
i give myself my own death
holding the bitter pill between my back teeth
and scraping away the poision with the tip of my tongue
until my heart is so numb i’m left motionless
my brain pulses in my skull with the wonder
within the WHAT HAVE I DONE i take my last breaths
i close my eyes into the painless void of my gut
and all this to overcome a little blood
i reject the failty of my existence
desiring a new identity
i fuck with the empty simplicity of escape
and love with the meaningless motion of leaving
Take my radio
Oh it’s been such a busy week/weekend. Saturday night I went to Salina to see Benjamin (and Clayton). I had a really good time. although 3.2 beer is frustrating for the same reasons as wedding keg beer. And I didn’t get drunk just wishing-i-was-drunk on it all. Watching ies was sort of bizarre. Given that I haven’t really watched IEs in forever… but they’re IEs and they’re weird. and it’s weird that people do them in college (even though i used to be one of those people). Agh. Seeing Clayton was really nice too. We spent the whole time bitching about the unreasonable requests people have when you work on their website for them even for free. It was dorky. But I’ve missed Clayton a bunch so I’m glad I made it into town.
On the way home I stopped by Manhattan to see Janelle. We made bracelets! I’m so excited! I’ve wanted to learn to macrame jewelry for years and I’ve never known anyone who could teach me. It turns out it’s so fun and easy. I love it! And my bracelet is really pretty… it’s blue with blue and white beads on it. (Colts colors. We were watching the superbowl. Though I did not notice the color coincidence until the next day). so we made bracelets and then matching earings for me and it was awesome. Now it’s only 3 days later and i’ve already bought a whole huge thing so that I can make jewelry too. Yipyip! and we went to this thai place that was just effing delicious.
Since then life has been hectic. Monday I went to Columbia for a Camera Obscura show with Emily. That was mostly awesome. I like Camera Obscura a lot and the opening band was good too. I may be wooed by pretty girls on stage with cute haircuts… but I like their studio stuff now that I have it so I think Pony Up is worth it. Dammit. I’m glad I went. And we got to dance dance dance which is my favorite part about going to shows with mle. cos it sucks not to dance. but sometimes it sucks more to dance and have no one dance with you. But when we’re together.. we dance. Awesome. The afterparty which consisted of getting drunk with Jeremy was fun too. I really wish debate tournaments were just university funded parties with kids who also did debate. And that programs with non-tooly kids got better funding. Figures.
The drive there and home was also a good part. It was a lot of thinking and enjoying the beautiful day and wondering about things. Mle’s cd player is broken as in doesn’t play any sound at all… so we got to just talk. and she got to play mario kart and curse about it. Lol. I just like driving her car. And I like the open road.
Lots of thought are going on in my head. Like… should I go to Europe. And should I go to NPDA. And should I go to Africa next semester or the year after? Oh my. So many little thoughts and I’m you know. Eek. Who knows. I’m gonna decide about all of it based on my performance at USAFA. Hopefully LD goes like Ohio and NPDA goes like Webster. Then it’ll be a done deal.
having dreams about redos
fuck all of this. i’m drunk. i meant to say some nice stuff. about something but i don’t remember any of that now. so here’s what i do remember: emily’s w key is fucked up. i’m drunk. i like dos equis a lot. even amber. which is weird cos the word cerveza is like an automatic turnoff. but it’s great. amber. i bet lager is better. dammit.
i like cigarettes more when i’m drunk. it’s beautiful.
i have a crush on michael j. fox becuase i loved homeward bound as a child. this is weirder than daddy issues. i’m serious.
Can't sleep cos its crazy
Last night was the craziest night ever in Jess’s dream world. I’m convinced that it’s my subconscious that keeps me from being completely insane. Cos I just dream out all of the crazy things so I don’t have to think them while I’m awake.
Time for my meeting with dd. more later.
Being there
I’m creating art and listening to Wilco. How wonderful.
I had dinner tonight with my mom. I must say that i find it a tad bit odd that I have to go to dinner just to see someone who I share a residence with. Oh bother. I guess we just have really really different schedules, which sucks. but my schedule is really compatible with my life and really compatible with my dads. It’s nice to be able to park in the driveway cos i need to leave at or before the time that my dad leaves every day and it’s nice that we’re both getting up and around at the same time. It makes the house seem less lonely.
Mom and I ate at Red Lobster which was really fun. I hadn’t been there in a while. Only like once since Joe and I broke up. Or maybe a few more times than that but not more than 4 times at the absolute most. It’s delicious. And I had something new on the menu which was also nice. Dinner lasted about two hours. I’m glad that Mom and I can fill that much conversation and make fun of each other pretty well. I was telling her about my painting that I did the other night (the one with the terrible color composition… except i fixed that trauma last night and now it’s really beautiful) and she was like “when did you start painting? was that when you were at stormont west?” and i just shook my head and laughed and told her i hated her. and then she was like “no… i’m serious… you did crafts there!” lol. what a bitch.
the new art i’m creating is magnificent. it’s inspired by femininity. and it’s meant to be visceral. and vaginal. lol. it’s sort of based on paleolithic art (woman of willendoorf mixed with a cave painting) and also sort of based on my vulva. fucking awesome. have i mentioned to the world how much i love menstruating? i get all empowered. especially when it’s on the full moon. brilliant.
this reminds me of a conversation i had with dr. wynn about the danger of having a blog when yr applying to grad school. my trouble will not be my politics but instead my fascination with the menses. gasp.
oh yay! cara got a tuition waiver and assistanceship from florida state! yipyip!