Renaissance

Glancing at the frail frames of trees
I realize the aching in their skeletons
as we both come to the stunning conclusion
that winter has snuck up on us.
You can see in my hips,
these new curves which leave me
feeling insecure and unfamiliar,
sometime between the summer
and the fall i have been reborn
as a real woman now.

Within me, a passion has been restored.

The anxious waiting for any sign of life
somewhere I am not,
far from all these empty trees;
and life comes with new alertness beneath my feet
as though I learned a lesson
from the subtlety of fall:
Pressed between yr arms
a blanket of leaves as my only keeper
I close my eyes and pray for regeneration,
pray the way walnut, oak, and maple have taught me
Sic transit gloria, yet spring renews.

Please, allow us to write the sing-song poetry of our youth
as we grow under this harsh blanket of frozen earth,
let us forget those summers which kept us so warm
when we were young, but not quite innocent,
and find a breaking of these cold months
between late night movies, hot cocoa runs,
and those silent sighs we make,
relieved to be acquainted after the interim
of lonely.

Melancholy and the serengetti

Today i have been sort of sad. I don’t know quite why. Maybe because I didn’t get enough sleep last night. Maybe because I had to go to the apartment to feed the cat and while I was there I just looked around and realized that maybe it will never feel like something other than home. I don’t know. I took a short nap with the cat who was happy to see me. Poor little guy doesn’t get why everyone’s leaving. And today it came to a head cos he had to wait to eat. But he lead me to the bowl right away and then ate for a while. He came and laid down with me when he was at the halfway point of his meal and we cuddled. I fell asleep and he pawed at my face; he kept his claws in. I found myself unsure whether to be really happy that he didn’t claw me or really angry at him because it shows that he knows what he’s doing when he does claw up the rest of my body. I decided to be happy that his little paws were cutely rubbing my face. What a good cat. He let me sleep and hold him after he ate the rest of his lunch. It was a nice nap. I woke feeling refreshed.

I’m going to Tanzania in the fall. I was looking at photographs and realizing all of the crazy animals that will be there. The internal dialogue I have is priceless sometimes… “Jess, this is a lion. It might be your next door neighbor.” How fun. But seriously. From beaches to mountains to grassy plains… Tanzania is where it’s at. And, for that matter, it’s where I’m going to be in less than a year. Crazy-talk.

the guilt was so subtle, obscured by the smoke

The memory came heartbreakingly through the clutter of dinner conversation.  I ((the girl who wandered around that ritzy grocery store with you looking for shrimp and sauce and rice)) whispered to me ((the girl who writes poetry questioning the legitimacy of her first brush with illegitimacy in years)) I think I know right now. And maybe it was watching you washing dishes in that kitchen which beat my heart three times, one. two. three., in the direction of the catalyst for this break. I ((the girl who writes poetry questioning the future of her first brush with unlove in years)) whispers to me ((the girl who rereads this with an unpredictable emotion in her heart months later)) He was no catalyst, he was not even hardly a symptom. We both know we wouldn’t change a thing.

The memory came heartbreakingly through the feeling of yr fingers playing with my hair.  I ((the girl who put her head on yr lap on the couch and let her tears cascape across her face)) whispered to me ((the girl who knows what it means to sleep soundly again)) Oh, I’m sure of it. And surely all of that drunkeness and wanderlust gave me practice for learning how to handle this.

racing the bull

Those dreams were holding me by the throat
as though I was asleep and had no choice
but to face torture behind closed eyes.
I wake from life, of course, with passion.
I wake with grace in my favorite pair of shoes;
and a blanket of apologies forming tears in the corners of my eyes.

The night I wake through is listless.
Finding me giving more than I have
in an attempt to satisfy some unfulfillable desire
to be needed. Yet, finding myself no one’s mother
I wake again. To a new reality, where
silence overturns the aching coos i released
beneath the subtle weight of you.

And when I finally find him, he arrives
unexpectedly early. As though somehow
what we always claimed we didn’t know:
we knew.

These dreams are protectively draped over my body
as though I am asleep and have no choice
but to cling to a comfort so unparallelled.
I wake in life, of course, with passion.
I wake with grace in my favorite pair of shoes;
and a web of secrets manifesting hope in my smile.

Sleep comes like a fever and I’m glad when it ends.

useless

There’s a scraping sound beneath our bed each night;
a sorrow begging for its voice through the violent memories
of whatever aches we find locked inside our hearts.
I know I am but one finger wrapped around a doorknob
and I come with no key but my own fragile surroundings
This is the heart I have to offer.

Maybe you don’t get me, but I do.

our hands are tied

delighting in the irony,
i dance around straightforwardness
to escape the human condition:
it’s all so vague, just games of words.
and not the type to gamble, i
consider the obvious:

with your hands on my hips
and your lips against mine,
i sense an undeniable longing,
disparately desperate to have what you want
or want what you have
so tonight, i know what to expect
when i finally choke every doubting wonder
to utter a question.

should we maybe talk about saturday?

her heart was racing, skipping beats

the phone was ringing and i was climbing out of a dream, clutching tightly to this boy i’ve found myself replacing you with. yr call came unwelcomed and as a surprise, i suppose you don’t suspect that. I remember what it felt like being eighteen, but I’m not her. I will never be her. I take yr call until I realize I’m more tired than excited to hear yr voice whisper sweet drunken nothings from across the Rockies. You only use yr voice to say nothing.

All he said was, you are good at poetry

Today, I was reading some of my old poetry. This is in part because I’m sorta sick and the last time I was sorta sick with this same thing I was writing in my livejournal. So i get to work and Courtney has a new entry in hers so I read it and then I comment on it and then I start reading my old poems on there. It was pretty decent. I really like rereading old poetry because it reminds me of who i was then. And it’s nice to reconnect with that girl. In a lot of ways, it’s like talking to an old friend who you know better than she knows herself. There’s something so comforting in it. Plus, it’s nice to read poetry and have it feel like it relates to something currently going on in my life. Or to read a poem about someone and think fondly of them. I think it’s perhaps the most pleasantly cathartic activity I can participate in.

I got weighed today at the doctor. I need desperately to lose weight.

And all she was looking for was an answer

Last night was pretty awesome. Andy was back in town so I figured a Friday-night trip to Pigskins was in order. Washburn’s debate tournament is this weekend and so all the debaters were already gathered. We went there for food and dollar draws of Coors. Which I refuse to order as anything other than “Currs”. Lol. I got nice and drunk and hung out with Big Poppa and all the debaters. Plus, Andy and Ryan showed up (as expected) and really liked my haircut/color.

There was awkwardness between Joe and I which I could’ve done without… but I think that we’ll be okay. It’s just figuring out what friends means that’s the difficult part we’re in right now. I’m glad though that he’s not just bailing on the friendship. And I hope he understands that I’m really sorry that I’m a bad friend.

I got a phone call from Jarred finally. Read: Effin finally. He hasn’t talked to me since Tuesday. Drunk Jarred gave several reasons for this: 1) I lost my phone; 2) I had my phone disabled; 3) I just wasn’t answering. I have a gut feeling that a combination of these is probably true. But still. It was a funny talk. He’s celebrating veterans day in Phoenix getting drunk and watching NASCAR. What an American.