attics are places to store memories even when you supress your artifacts in heavy wardrobes and neutral-colored boxes, boxing them before allowing them to occur. and this is my attic??in my mind. ((an idle mind is the devil's playground and i feel her building scaffolds in my greymatter)). you haunt these words, but you never notice your own face.
my tears form convex pools on my face as little ponds magnify the words you wrote; i see your blood in the margins and i know–we've combined to be the blood and tears: but our sweat doesn't come in letters. for you and me, words are the effort. for you and me, words are the rule; so, we seal our lips and glue together a silence so strong it speaks.
i went to see madsee in silver lake today so that we could talk about everything that has been going on between us. she cooked for me <33 yummy. pesto alfredo and chicken yum. i could’ve wet myself i was so happy to eat it. the rest of the time went well except that immediately following the eating i began to cry. i just said “i’m sorry” and then she couldn’t hear me so i had to repeat myself about a million times and then finally i just broke down and started bawling. so i asked if it was okay if we went downstairs and we did and i sobbed a whole lot there and she gave me a letter which made me sob harder. then we decided that we both need to get to the point that we can trust me in order for us to have a successful relationship together. the worst part is thats the most difficult part of “working things out.”
part ii
after madsee’s i went to grab coffee at pts and was sitting outside reading tom robbins thinking that maybe j or danny or corey or someone would show up and we could talk for a while. but it looked like no one would be there and my iced chai was almost gone and the chapter was almost finished so i was thinking about heading back to school when i noticed “the original jarrod” lol. after he got coffee we sat outside and talked about poetry and how great it is and what he’s doing with his life (hp) and what i’m doing with mine (the cap-j and big dreaming). it was so nice to see him though. i haven’t seen him since maybe wa-ru’s forensics tournament or even after and i haven’t had the time to really have a conversation with him in years. its crazy how chance works out sometime.
i love it when you’re just sitting there waiting for something to happen and then it does. to think that today started out poorly and ended so well i have no need to talk about what went wrong. i love september. i think it makes me happy to be alive.
i went to see the yankees play the royals tonight with nate and we had a really kickass time. i was hot and kinda pmsing and bitchy right at first but as soon as we left topeka (and his airconditioning started working) i felt a whole lot better. the game was really kickass. the yankees won. and jeter got 1 run and 2 rbis. hooray. the pictures in the photolog show him. i’m going to actually update the photolog these days and maybe make it popup images on demand.
earlier i was reading livejournal communities on anorexia and feeling sad because we don’t give ourselves enough credit or take back the control of our lives so we force our stomachs to destroy our bodies all so that we feel like we have control. but i don’t think we’re fighting ourselves when we stop eating. i think we’re fighting the world–and letting the world win. i just wish they’d find beauty in whatever state of sexxiness they are. fat?=sowhat.
i was thinking about what j said the other day about professors going off on tangents. mostly cos i’m in my public speaking course and he is like a tangent-a-minute (worse than everybody favorite sticky-wicket professor).. anyway, i’ve came to the conclusion that i do find it obnoxious sometimes. but i don’t find it obnoxious with this professor. cos i already know so much about public speaking. he just teaches so much about life.
enough humor. if yr a former educator of yrs truly do yrself a favor and skip the next entry (chronologically the first one today). now we get to some things that are serious. the reading in college makes me want to set something on fire, preferably the books. its so damn boring i can’t take it! these books just absolutely blow. for chrissakes. the leadership book actually spoke about something intelligent for a while that may have actually spurred brain activity in my little jess head and what did it say: gender stereotypes. while i don’t think i hate jung even a quarter or eighth as much as i hate freud.. i must say the generalization about men being Ts and women being Ps really angered me. why can’t we as a culture get away from telling our men that they have to be strong critical thinkers to be attractive (or athletes, etc.) and our women that they need to be passive nurturers. i am a woman. i am strong. get over it. if you’re an artist or a poet or a dreamer and youre male, more power to you. hell, if you’re a human being and you’re beautiful at all: rock on, and don’t kill yourself. i know its tempting.
im wearing shorts and kinda-shaven legs in the lounge of my hall sitting across from this guy who’s reading history of some sort (he was sleeping when i got here) and its 1:30 in the morning and i’ve just been blogging. this is really when i should be wearing an “i’m blogging this” tshirt. lol. at least then he’d have fair warning.
an observation from last week while realizing that musicians and poets are the epitome of different observations… i’m sitting with nate listening to jimmi play guitar and sing this song. and i’m a poet so i just hear all the words and pretty soon i notice that nate is tapping out piano melodies while listening. it was a brilliant observation cos i think i finally got how much yr history plays a part in what you think and understand about the world. heretics breed ignorance.
furthermore, the fish fry was last night and i had a great time. i squished around in the mud cos fish catching wasn’t going so well. and i was pretty sure if i caught a fish (or ate any) i’d be overcome with the grief of eating a euclid-ish creature. even though euclid is a betta and likes to kick the asses (tailfins) of other fish and eat them for breakfast. so i shouldn’t feel so bad. cos now i’m just “one of the guys”. still. it was a nice time. and i’ve missed the country. i need to take a road trip sometime so that i get things figured out about the country. and how i like it.
remind me to blog all my cute fish stories.
i had an interesting conversation with steve-o about fungus today. the moral of the story was: don’t trip with yr cellphone. you might throw it out the window.
one of my friends came out to me today. i feel like i have someone i can go be queer with now. its awesome. we’re gonna frequent cosmos now in hopes of me getting better at pool, finding creative new ways to wear flannel (or pvc.. heh), and running into my old friend jason. i miss him too, i have been thinking about that a lot lately.
the other day daniel was drunk and introducing me to people and he did it like this: “This is my friend jess. she’s a lesbian” and he always does that, (always always), and so i was just like “god daniel do you have to just scream that everytime you say my name.. its like you think i’m gonna take your boys or something.” i’m witty late at night.
oh and for the record daniel and recently-outted friend aren’t the same person. daniel’s straight. he read’s dating books.
i still represent the overstock.com and recommend them to everyone. i’ve had nothing but the best luck with all products. but this is not about that. this is about jess’s favorite thing to blog about at 1:11 a.m. — masturbation.
(begin censored part) now. masturbation in college has its ups and downs. we’ll start with the downs: 1. my roommate never leaves the room. 2. the only time she’s in the shower (which are really long, thank god) is when i’m in class or sometimes on sundays. 3. anything elaborate is out. and some ups: 1 . . . (still waiting). (end censored part)
i played lefty today, switching a lane by accident, wondering about the significance of this highway because it just feels so much like home. these miles and this road i almost never travel—i'm new, i'm reborn, i'm without a place; and, she sighs: when i say home i mean it refers to this undefined place. (does not my this provide definition?) i'm asking for anything:
your bed.
your pillow.
your hand.
you're so goddamned familiar. i won't let myself go.
againagainagainagain.
i wait for you in my words, as if one day i'll discover you in a sentence—see also, all those commas i missed in grade school—and when you finally come its with no object. no. you bring only the objection. i feel so hollow. i feel so hollow. at least i remember what feeling is at all: to you, feeling is just something you remember doing once; to you, this numbness is just temporary. when i was numb it was permanent, and you were my recovery. you're lost, i half-assedly attempt to recover me, as if one day i'll discover me in a sentene—see also, where you should be.
new layout, obviously.
also, last night i went over to j’s (aka my pirate) to hang out and be mentored i guess. lol, is that what you kids are calling it these days? haha. so anyway we were hanging out and reading each other’s poetry and it was nice to be around another confident poet and to get to hear some of my poetry outloud. it seems that it just becomes so much more fluid and alive when there is a voice behind it. we’re a really good fit. i’m uber impressed with the committee that put people together.
i also realized how cool it is that i get to meet so many beautiful people in college. like j and nate and laura.. there are just so many people here with so much depth to them and the more i learn the more happy i get that i’m here and that i get to do all of these things and meet all of these people. its so awesome.
and i’m glad i’m doing my studying too. i’m very impressed with my dedicatedness. w00t.
i was supposed to see madeline today but i have a fish fry this evening so i guess i can’t go see her. or she doesn’t want to go get coffee and there aren’t really any other places to talk. plus we’d only have an hour and that’s really not enough time. i really miss her. because she was always that beautiful amazing person that i just loved to know. i’m really doubting this whole situation. it just doesn’t make a lot of sense. that i’m without her. and i still love her so goddamn much. but what if i keep hurting her?
