Author: Jess

asking questions, too demanding, and wondering why the sky doesn't fall—it just hangs there, threateningly, waiting for our backs to turn and our eyes to close so it can melt and be gone: oh how you'll miss it.

i’ve had a pretty good week. i mean, not that its hard for a week to top the one that included the funeral of a sixteen-year-old friend, but you know. it was a particularly good week.

The first thing that was grand was the 3 day weekend. i spent the first day lounging around and working and that night i went and partied with Jarred. we went to the penthouse suites (4th floor) and hung out with Marcus, Daniel, Veronica (not a drinker) and some of their other friends. I really like all of those kids and we had a good time. except they were playing afi and so jarred wanted to go. plus, trevor had called and i never see trevor. so we went to trevors house for a while. before i finally called it a night around 2.

sunday i watched talented mr. ripley with nate while it rained. that was a lot of fun. and i got to see my brother. although the little rat did give me two bruises (one on each side of my right arm) because he kept giving me dead arms. that motherfucker 🙂

tuesday night i spoke against curfews at city council. its gotten me a lot of feedback. the ordinance ended up failing 4-4 w00t w00t. but i think thats mostly cos A) the council is bad at playing politics. B) the council would’ve voted it down by that margin anway considering it was unammended. the mayor commended my excellent oratorical skills (goddammit who let a fuckin woman out of the goddamn kitchen…). lucas was there too and he was just amazing. i mean if lucas and i both agree soemthings bad i think it crests into that area of bipartisan. lol. or we’re both just young. but really i just oppose the curfew for fundamental reasons. cos it wouldn’t REALLY affect me too much. except that i may wish to aprent my own kids. or not get detained just cos i don’t have a way to prove i’m 18. bitches. but it went well. and now cjonline forums want me for the next mayor or commissioner. or president. they said they’d vote for me. but eh, i kiss girls. and when i did that i think i more or less kissed office goodbye. cos theres no fucking way i’m hiding that just to win an election.

the actual week i spent relatively depressed. i don’t know. i was kinda out of it for most of it. i felt like i was really uninvolved and that was really depressing so i rectified the situation. i am now on the columbus day and gotv committee for PISSED (on campus activist org) and i’m secretary of young democrats. i also started with the pre-law association and i’m going to help decide on which questions should be the questions for the presidential round table that’s coming up.

this = very much excitement.

friday i gave plasma and platelets. 300 ml and 4.2×10^11 respectively. man. it wasn’t that big of a deal (pheresis) it just kinda left me exhausted so i ran back to the llc and took a nap after getting some lunch in me. then i obviously forgot to drink a lot more water than usual and dehydrated. so i woke up at 6 am (skip the next part) puking it was pretty gross. like i threw up everything on my stomach which by that time was mostly coke and bile. not that theres much difference between the two. but then my urine didn’t appear to be amber colored so maybe something else happened.

OKAY YOU CAN READ AGAIN: so that was my friday afternoon. in the evening i got to formally meet my mentor for LI, he’s cool. we did the social thing for the LI and then we went to maggie moos and sat around and talked then we drove around and i read him my poetry. it seems that the li-mentor-pairing people did an awesome job this time. w00t.

as an aside, i retook the personality disorder test at 4degreez and i scored much less crazy than the last time i took it. i really think i have mellowed out by way of not being so fucking insane all the time. and once again: jess hates that girl she was a few years ago. i checked yes to the cutter box. even though i’m not a cutter cough,anymore,cough. cos self injury runs deep. and old habits die hard. also, i found it quite disturbing that there was an add for a dating company on the results page. aren’t you supposed to check your emotional baggage at the door when you start a new relationship?

6am and i'm losing it, losing everything: only one bowl and a sip of pbr over 4.5 hours ago and now my stomach is gone. well, its just not where it should be anymore. i climb back into bed again, wondering what i did to my immune system and i wish you were here. whenever i see blonde boi i drive by the place we had our first fight, ((you know, where you said i love you for the first time)) and i wish i could give that back to you. i try to spit out the words, feeling them so gristly in my mouth, and i gnaw and i gnaw until finally it all just comes up i love you, i love you, i love you, i love you; when i try to swallow i choke.

so i've been gone for quite some time it appears. and i kinda want to go back and delete all that emobullshit. lol. but instead. i'm going to add more in that prose-poetry form that i've missed so much.

ps. i'm completely utterly in missing of one, p-money. i think i'll start writing him letters. <333 he's beautiful.

its time we do some cheerin up around here, my little emo friends. thus. the publication of the list of who would straighten me out. in order of who would straighten me out.

1. elvis costello
2. bill clinton
3. matt damon
4. leonardo dicaprio
5. jon stewart

the just make me all creamy in my panties. 🙂 ew for the imagery, no?

and now, my favorite girl crushes

1. alyson hanigan
2. michelle trachtenberg (girl in french class = just like her)

fuck it. its the whole buffy cast i think.

ps. ryan came back to do freelance sports writing tonight. ryan = not clean shaven. ryan = yum.

i’m very fragmented. i always get all stressed out on these nights and i think my back just become a tension battle ground. i swear i can feel like all of the stress is centering in my back. this blows.

ericka’s funeral was truly amazing. everyone wore pink and it was a complete celebration of her as a person. honestly.

i went to the wake last night and she was so beautiful. erika and i talked about it later and we both said that we were just waiting for her chest to rise and fall. she looked like she was just laying down for a nap before a debate tournament (its so hard that they bury them in suits cos that’s how i always see them and it makes me really sad because it looks just like the girl i always know). you really couldn’t tell that there had been any sort of trauma at all though. she looked wonderful. i think that it really set me in denial for a while though. because she really did look like she was just resting. at the same time though, it really sunk in. i stood in the parking lot and cried for a long time until my mom got there. then we went in and i got really sad and kept crying but i got to see her parents and tell them how wonderful ericka was and how we all really loved her and adored her. because we all did. she was just so easy to love.

this morning i left to get mallory and thought my day would probably be alright. i was listening to the beatles and theres just something about paul mccartney singing let it be that makes my heart feel alright. then when i got to her house my battery died. so there was a huge fiasco trying to fix the battery and then we gave up and had dad take us to seaman so we could meet erika.

the funeral had 4 speakers. her youth minister, her uncle who is a minister in texas and the one that’s a minister in minnesota, and tj who went to school with her and i know better than really any of the debaters. they all did really excellent jobs and it really held up her memory of being a wonderful christian. i think the funeral was exactly how she would’ve wanted it and it really felt like a celebration of her life.

i found out today that my mom’s favorite dog Babe passed away on Monday night. I guess she had a seizure in the middle of the night and mom and dad had to rush her into the vets but she never came out of it so they put her to sleep so she wouldn’t suffer. poor babe. she was such a great little dog. i told mom that lambie and michelle passed away at the same time so that they could both have each other in heaven and ericka must’ve just wanted a dog to take care of too so she’ll watch out for babe. that really seemed to comfort mom. i feel so bad for her. i think i’ll send her flowers tomorrow.

i’m the curly haired one. i really wish they would’ve taken a picture of the whole assembly because it was a really awesome sight.

i keep obsessing over the request that we all wear pink to the funeral. its just amazing what parents will do and can do for their children. and i hate how completely unplanned funerals are. like should she have penciled it into her date book last week? its scary.

a friend of mine from jeff west died in a car accident this weekend. her name was ericka and we roomed together at state debate at the end of january. she was a truly beautiful, amazing girl and i don’t know how to express how sad i am.

in general, i’m not as violently emotional as i was when michelle died. but thats mostly because with michelle i had to grieve for my own mortality as well as a friend that was no longer here. i also learned a lot about living outside of the physical following michelle’s death. that doesn’t make this easy though.

i keep thinking about how sad it was because she was only 16 and just barely. she had so much life in her and such passion for what she did. she was pretty quiet but an amazing debater and she was a phenomenal christian. i think i borrowed her panty hose once. its so strange. i’ve been really upset about michelle in the last week because i’m going to college and stuff and she doesn’t get the chance to live this all out and then friday i was at work and erika told me that ericka had died in a car accident so nate came to pick me up and take me home.

the obituary was in the paper today and i read it about a half hour ago and thats when it really hit me that she’s just gone. the obituary did a wonderful job of showing ericka. her favorite color was pink and everyone’s supposed to wear pik the funeral.

i hate laying out my pink clothes to wear them to my friend’s funeral.
i hate waking up in the morning to read the obituary of a sixteen-year-old girl.

the car accident was less than a mile from where michelle’s had been. she collided with a friend of my dad’s who works for westar and was in the huge westar bucket truck. dad says dan is probably a mess. so i hope he’s okay. because its not his fault. and he should know that. its just a really dangerous road.

saturday i kept seeing butterflies and thinking about how calming i think butterflies are. i couldn’t explain why although it surely has something to do with ani’s song “Evolve.” and saturday evening a butterfly came and sat on my hand near my thumb for a few minutes. and i felt so completely at peace while it was there. i can’t really explain it. but this morning the obituary said that she loved butterflies.

she wanted to be a missionary in russia. and i love russia.

all weekend i’ve pretty much only been able to say “its so fuckin sad.”

all weekend that’s pretty much the only thing i’ve been able to think.

i keep having dreams about her. saturday night i dreamt we were going to see her in the hospital. and i got excited and said “you mean she’s alive?” and the person was like “no she’s at the morgue” but i got this feeling that the person didn’t understand my saying she wasn’t alive. like she was still alive just not her body. last night i dreamt that i was at a cd store looking for cds and somebody handed me a copy of the cd “Evolve” by ani but there was a 2disk set instead.

maybe i’m just crazy and obsess over things. but everyone already knew that i guess.

wednesday, wednesday, friday, sunday, wednesday, friday, tuesday, thursday.
wednesday, friday, saturday, wednesday, sunday, tuesday, thursday.

(here comes the kid with the chemicals)