Author: Jess

i just let her go. off the phone. and i told her i’d just go and she wouldn’t have to say goodbye because i know that she would if she knew how but she doesn’t know how and so i said “i love you goodbye” and then i hung up. and now my hearts just completely broken and i just want to crawl back into my bed and slit my wrists until everything feels numb because goddammit numb would feel better than this. but i can’t kill myself. and i feel like without her theres a part of me that’s dead. and this is not surviving. this is being a pussy and wussing out and i fucking hate myself. because i wasn’t going to hurt her again and i was going to be okay and we were going to be so happy and then i just fucked everything up. way to go jess.

i don’t really know why i’m doing this i just don’t know why i can’t just love her and not think about other people. but until i’m older i’m probably always going to do that, you know. and its sooo not fair to her. its not fair that i put her through all this shit.

i’m a fuckup. and everyone was right about me.

class is still alright. again, i’m not too worried about any of it. i have a pretty large paper due in like 2 months but it won’t be the first time i’ve done a big paper in that mount of time. so i think i should probably schedule that by way of palm or even just a written guideline. gosh i’m such a dork.

college is relatively uneventful cos we’re all in class. idk. i guess i’ve just mostly been hanging out with nate. really aside from class and work that’s all i’ve been doing. its been fun. i’m hungry. this website needs a new layout. like whoa.

classes started today. two of them seem really fucking lame. but whatever. welcome to the wild world of college. actually i’m not too worried about the third either. it just might at least keep me awake. but i’m not sure. it feels like highschool 204. ugh.

in between chunks of class i had to run out to sit on a committee for city council. they’re sending the curfew ordinance to the council recommending it 2-1. we kinda think it will pass.. but whatever. i just think its really poorly thought out. and i like the idea of a curfew. sort of. not really. but i could be so easily won over if the council would just give me some goddamn statistics that weren’t so completely biased. muthafucka.

this whole adventure, not to mention my speech last week, has turned me into a media whore. i’m all over the place. between this, the city council meeting last tuesday, and the election i’ve been on television at least once for the past 4 weeks. and i was actually talking 2 of those weeks. i’m pretty positive its all going straight to my head. lol. that’s to be expected, of course.

after class.. i hung out with nate till i needed to go to work. we watched rushmore in the dorm room, went to arbys, ran into dave at barnes and noble, and deposited some checks. typical jess adventures. rushmore is such a kickass movie. it really makes me want to watch the royal tenenbaums again though.. cos i fucking love that movie. like whoa.

today i went over to jarods for a while because my roommate was moving in and i wanted to stay out of the way. plus he’d be wanting to watch this moving with me. so i went there and we watched the movie uhm uhm. The Following. it was awesome. like really truly hardcore. its by the same guy that did momento and it just totally rocks. i’m gonna have to stay awake for all of momento now, lol. but yah. i really really liked it.

after that i went and nabbed my brother from the skate park and we went out to my house to see the dogs and so i could grab some of my shit and then we headed out to dinner and my aunts. mom was kinda whiny at dinner (as usual?) but she got better cos we bitched at her. i had a strawberry margarita and spent most of it thinking about how much better it would be with alcohol. lol. we then journeyed to my aunts house (the one we like never talk to) and spent a while there visiting with my uncle and her. it was nice. we really do never see them due to a huge fight in the family a few years ago. basically she was a bitch and my mom holds a grudge. although i think i’d hold a grudge on this one too.

my roommate, as it turns out, is pretty cool. i think we’ll really get along. and i’m glad i can quit freaking out about the whole thing. als. i’m downloading software for my webcam and i’m planning on setting up a fish & jess cam for the next layout. awesome.

semi-drunken lamp assembly should be an olympic event.

yesterday was the leadership stone nature center ropes course. it was a whole lot of fun. we basically went out there and had to do these different challenges.. aka “elements” it was really kickass. i had sooo much fun. and we got all bonded and stuff too.

i think that it was a really hardcore course because it really did push all of our different limits. there were some things (like just going over a 12 foot wall with no ladder or rope or anything) that were really fucking terrifying for me and i ended up having a panic attack after. i think that really humbled me. which lacey commented on later. she said that after that she could tell i was just a little bit different. and ir ealized that my body does have limits and there are things that i know i shouldn’t do and that means that i actually shouldn’t do them.

we also got the opportunity to go across a burma bridge which was insanely kickass. we were on harnesses and had static ropes to protect us and stuff but we could just hang over the river from the harness. it was so awesome!

i was probably the best at doing this one obstacle thing that was a balance exercise. i didn’t even think i was very balanced. but apparently i’m pretty damn good at it. lol. actually, that one was my favorite because we all worked completely as a team and we didn’t have any problems doing anything. it was really really nice. i had an awesome time.

after the li got over i took a shower and headed out to janelles party. that was nice and i got to hang out with madeline around people which we seem to not do much of. afterward, i took her home and she made me yummy pasta with pesto. it was the most delicious thing ever i think. i love pasta.

so the leadership crew feels like my new family.. which is really awesome. having new families keeps me from getting homesick. my other new family is my fish euclid who i rescued and love very much. i rescued him from the WUPR people at the activity fair cos they were selling bettas and i just thought that was hella-mean. so this one was getting picked on so i bought him. but he’s a stud man. i’m not even kidding. and he looks at me a lot when he’s hungry and stuff so i always know. he loves me and i love him. yay

so my roommate came by again and i don’t feel quite the way i did when i wrote that other entry. i think it’ll probably be okay and maybe its just that her aunt is so like overbearing or something. idk. maybe itll be awful and i’ll have to change rooms, but you know. i’ll deal with it.

i rescued a fish today. it has a new house (yes its gravel coordinates with my bed). no it does not have a name. it needs one though. very badly.

i think my favorite thing about college is that i have so many friends that are all so close. i’m really exhausted though from doing to much all week. last night i went over to kim/adam’s for adam’s birthday after i got off work. it was a whole lot of fun.

i’m feeling really lame tonight and just want to take a nap.

My roommate stopped by yesterday evening. I don’t really know how its going to work out. she seems like a whiny little spoiled johnson-county bitch. but whatever. i can always transfer roommates… now i’m incredibly homesick though. just to be somewhere that i don’t have to worry about dumbfuck roommates that are moving in on sunday or monday.

yesterday we went to the great mall of the great plains in olathe… i bought new jeans at aeropostale for 12.49 as well as a new pair of pj pants. the pajamas say “whale of a good time” and have whales all over them and are therefore awesome. i love them. its such a beautiful inside joke that i had to buy them right away. and luckily the girl working there couldn’t ring up anything right and rang them up as 9.99 with 50% off instead of 14.99 with 50% off. so $5 for something that’s so funny is a pretty good deal. when you get right down to it. stephanie and lacey and i were the only ones that went and we had a blast hanging out and driving there. even if lacey always seems to drive to far and we never make it there on the first attempt without turning around. for that matter, she almost missed the exit coming home. good thing steph was paying attention. cos i sure as hell wasn’t.

we didn’t get back until around 5 or so and then lacey and i hung out in her dorm with steph for a little while then we ate and came back here until the “Daze of WU” which was a fun chance at 7 to tye-dye tshirts. my hands are still so fucking stained from all of the dye. i guess that’s alright though. its fun to be blue every once in a while.

lacey’s suitemate kristen is really hella cool and fun to hang out with so she was with us for dinner and the daze.. then josh came over to the dorms and svd stopped in for a little while. it was a nice time. after that we went out because i wanted/want a mirror and some other things (its crazy how much you don’t realize that you’ll need when you’re moving out! ) but we ended up just driving around after i bought silverware and josh/lacey bought some other things for themselves. so josh played this song by this one band.. sanctus real maybe? idk. they’re god-rock. and it was called “Say Goodbye” and we all cried. but mostly just me. because im going to miss josh so incredibly much and i just don’t know how i’ll handle it without him. i know i’m making new friends and hanging out with tons of people and sometimes i don’t feel like i have enough time for the people that im really good friends with from high school and stuff but i’ll always wish josh were around.

i also kind of feel like i’m spending too much time away from my dorm and not enough time getting to know people on my floor and in the hall and the building. svd says that it’ll get better once classes start and i’m talking to people in there more often and i assume she must be right. plus, its only been like a day and i totally don’t have a roommate (still). dammit.

i did break out of the topeka loop and hang out with daniel/marcus from about 11 pm till about 4 am last night. yikes. it was fun. we had a lot of conversation spanning from politics to dating to learning about and from girls to sex. it was nice. daniel is such a nice kid. he’s kinda funny sometimes… by way of he just tries to hard to be a nice guy… and he’s just so genuinely nice that i wish he could just see that he is actually nice and doesnt need to try to impress anyone. i was incredibly impressed the first time i met him and that was well before he had read any books about dating. lol.

we all broke out (and steph came too!) to go to the Sex, Slides, and Suriving the College Years. Some went for the free condoms. Some went for the gross slides. I went because I wanted to bitch about how they don’t talk about protected lesbian sex. lol. i’ll raise it as an issue at a later date. because honestly: its such an unknown ground and i don’t think much of anyone thinks about anything along the lines of safe sex for girls. and really i think there are a few more precautions and ideas for safe sex for guys that everyone could benefit from. the room was terribly funny as the ratio of girls to guys was like 30:daniel. lol. and there were a couple of the people who head up the whole event. it was pretty informative really though. when you get right down to it.

i need to let my batter callibrate for a while.. not to mention i need to go down to financial aid and argue my bill. motherfuckers. getting it wrong? what!

I have to blog in notepad today, which is really too bad. because i don’t have internet yet. but its coming and when it does come it will be like 400 thousand times faster than it is at home. which is awesome.

moving in didn’t go too badly. i guess. the family and i went out for breakfast before we did the moving in stuff. mom was even nice and let me sleep in. so i think i slept about 9 hours last night. and its always wonderful to get tons of sleep. hooray. she was a little bitchy at ihop but i think we’ve just all been hella stressed out about my moving out.

i cried this morning when i got outside but other than that i’ve been doing pretty well. i didn’t really cry at all. i’m sad right now though cos my room mate isn’t here and i feel like everyone has all of these instant friends and i just don’t have any. pish. oh well. i guess i just really thought that she would be here today.. but alas, she is missing.

i’ve made a lot of friends. my suitemates are hella cool and there was a kid down the hall that was into computers and stuff. he has a single room and its all very hardcore. lol. i started talking to him because he had a “there are 10 types of people in the world those that know binary and those that don’t.”

daniel and svd and lacey are here too of course. lacey’s suite is pretty nice. although it really reminds me of the microlodge at church camp and just doesn’t feel college-y at all. but lacey seems to really like it a whole lot which is grand. they’re at least a little bigger. the llc is just cool cos it’s such a community. i like it a whole lot so far.

my favorite memory of the whole day was when i decided with lacey and her suitemate kristen that we should bunk/raise my beds. so we did. this involves using this mallet to release the metal thing the matress sits on and then we had to get both sides apart so that we could raise the whole thing and we finally did that and then we had to shove it back in. and we did all of this without actually removing the matress or any of the shit on the bed. christ. it was a much more intelligent plan when we did the second one because we actually took off the matress. of course when i was moving the matress i ended up like spinning around with the matress completely on my back. like some sort of pillowy turtle. it was insanely funny. even though we all looked like dorks. really. big. dorks. so we finished raising both matresses and then we had to go ahead and bunk the beds. which was also crazy. cos kristen and lacey were on one side and i was alone on my side so theres got done and i was like “um guys. . this isn’t right. at all..” lol. i’m gonna take pictures of the room really soon. cos i’m really excited about it.

and i really love college. really.