Category: Journal

I like Colorado a lot because I just heard Ani on the radio on our way into Colorado Springs. It’s also achingly beautiful. I love it. Tomorrow we have a brilliant day of adventures planned but today we’re just going to relax. Last night was perhaps the best party i’ve been to in quite a while. It was nice because I had vodka which I haven’t done in too long and because I got to talk to a lot of people I hadn’t talked to before, or you know, people that I knew from around but they didn’t really know me… like Tauber and Darryl. And I think it’s just fun to party with debaters. Even if Kyle was bummed about the results and mildly beligerent and I had to keep fielding awkward questions about my sex life.

Fuck you.

So tonight turned out to be a bit of a mess. Agh. And all of it starting when I’m off work at like 11:30. But two hours and one visit from the sherriff’s department later, all is well. And I’m taking my brother with me to Wyoming/Colorado. Agh. It’ll be nice to get away, I think. But mostly I’m just sort of pissed off about all of these circumstances.

I may have told my mom that if I felt like she loved me I wouldn’t have to fuck random boys. Yikes. Harsh. Though probably true. I just hate it when they try to turn things around on me, you know. I hate it when they tell me that I’m whoring around and stuff like that. It’s not true. And it’s not fair. And even if I do want to have sex with random boys(/girls) they can just fuck off because it’s my life to do something with. I feel like i’m not even a part of my family sometimes. My brother was really upset and depressed tonight. Looking to show them a lesson after the motherfucking cops came and did motherfucking nothing. Fuck cops, by the way. They should be like vampires where you have to invite them into your house or they can’t follow you into it. I think maybe they are that way, basically. But I think there should be an anti-authority force field. They just freak me the hell out. And the one that went to talk to mom just happened to be a friend of hers. So of course nothing happened. Fuck. Anyway. It was just about a terrible night.

I hung out with Jeff, Kelsey, Whitney, Cody, Joe and Roger for a while this afternoon. I’m still undecided on whether or not that was a good idea. I know that I don’t want to try to keep Joe from having friends come up and stay over, I mean, that would be unfair. I’m in a relationship and I’m happy. I also don’t want to sever our friendship every time one of us has a girl or boy around. So I don’t know. It was just… weird. And it was weird getting home and seeing the pictures of them on facebook cuddling last week. I don’t really know what I expect. Maybe I’m just not quite as ready to accidentally stumble upon those things as I thought. It’s also weird that it’s my bed. And my comforter. And that will continue post his graduation. So it’s not even the same as me having someone sleep in my bed with me cos that will always be my bed you know. But the bed he has will return to my possesession again. So that just makes it a little weird for me.

But that said, it’s been a month with Kyle now. I was rereading his “On Things” journal entry and he talks about how he’s really excited to get to know me and to learn about himself too. I think about how close we’ve become in this past month and it’s really amazing to me to see how close we are even after such a short period of time. I really look forward to all the opportunities we’ll have to grow even closer. And I’m still really happy that the people in my life who I care about are starting to come around.

so i went home at about 9:30 last night because I was too sick to handle it. My temperature was at like 99.3 when I got home… up from my usual 97.4… so that was no good news, but at least I was actually sensing that I had a fever. Sometimes I feel like I do but then I don’t and that kind of annoys me.

I talked to my mom and dad about Kyle then for a while. It was a pretty good conversation. Basically a repeat of the one I had with Dr. Morse the other day… (that I’m sure got relayed to Bearman given his lack of criticism of Kyle and pseudo apology for giving me an emotional breakdown.) I mean, like I said, i know that I have this problem being out of a relationship. I’m just no good at it. For one, when I’m not in a relationship I rush into insincere ones… and sometimes it’s hard for me to tell when feelings are sincere and when they’re not sincere. But my feelings for Kyle are sincere. And i can say that because I know when I’m just pretending my feelings are sincere and when I’m not. I’ve had a crush of whatever degree on Kyle for a long time and I’m excited that I get to date him now. So I think that conversation went well. I know that in some ways they’re just really concerned about me. There is also somewhat of a generation gap that we have to overcome.

I worked out again yesterday! Yay! I bought this neoprene belt that you wrap around yr waist when you exercise and it makes is so that you sweat more there which burns fat there of course. It’s pretty much the sweetest thing I’ve ever used. I mean, seriously. It’s awesome. And so I worked out. I did 20 minutes on the bike and then all the exercise machines that work out my arms and legs and then i did some crunches. I never do crunches. I was excited that they went so well. My favorite part of the whole adventure was that i was reading The Elegant Universe by Brian Green while biking. Hah. How typically college.

Alright. I’m going back to trying to come up with a new layout for this silly blog again. Agh. I hate how uninspired I am these days.

So I overslept for work tonight which is no good. It turns out that this is because I am dreadfully ill, which is worse news. So I think I have a fever. Plus I’m coughing and spreading germs all over. I’ll probably try to leave by 10 at the latest. I mean, I only want to subject people to my disease for so long, you know.

On the bright side… My cellyphone line is eligible for a 2 year contract upgrade about 6 months sooner than I expected it to be. This can only mean one thing: NEW IPHONE IN JUNE INSTEAD OF DECEMBER. Oh yes. Oh yes oh yes oh yes. Fuck. That’ll be so damn sexy.

Today I bought a Thai cookbook (Two)! Yum. I’ve been sad and lonely feeling all day. I don’t know what my problem is.

I changed my political views on facebook today back to Very Liberal. Despite my confusion about my political views, I think this makes the most sense. First, I think Very Liberal just suggests crazy left-wing and I’m probably a little of that. In this country, I think Left just means Subversive and has really nothing to do with the size that you want the government to be. Further, sometimes Left means Socialist. And I think that if I had free domain over my political views on facebook I’d probably be an anarcho-syndicalist. Which means I think that people should live together and share our resources and work together for the good of the whole. This means that I’m basically still a socialist. Since I’ve now met my second or third intelligent anarchist I feel comfortable speaking of my love for anarchy. Although I still think it’s probably unrealistic, large-scale. That I’m too much of a hypocrite for it, small-scale. And I’m as-of-late unsure if I even believe that I would have a mac if I didn’t have a government to subsidize computers when they were first starting out.

i actually do

I do not actaully want to go to japan.

I woke up today feeling stragely not sick, even though waking up feeling sick has been the norm for the last five days. I dreamt about going to Chicago. I dreamt about the public library being half-grocer half-library. What a brilliant idea! I woke feeling like I should live outside of the circumstances of my current life for the summer, I’m not sure what this means, but getting out of town for a while seems like a lot of fun, potentially.