Category: Journal

Today, my mom and I went to Rossville to spend Easter Saturday with our relatives there. We got to see Aunt Cindy, Tyler, Justin, Brandon and Stancy plus Jack and Nate. We brought Brandon’s grandma, Mary, in from Topeka with us and then Stancy’s mom and dad and sister or something were there and her step-sister’s son, Tyler. All the little kids were so cute to have around. Tyler seems to be about one, though no one confirmed his age for me. Jack and Nate are 2 and 5 months, respectively. I don’t think I’ve had so much fun with three little boys ever. Tyler and I played with this thing from the movie Cars that is like a racetrack for these little cars. You set them up at the top and then press a paddle and it makes noise and the cars go down the spirally track. Tyler was really shy all day (he spent the first hour or so riding around on this little fake john deere and keeping to himself) so I sort of had to just play with him and assume that he would run off if he didn’t like me. He was just very quiet. But after I used the paddle to make the cars go down the ramp instead of just setting them on it and letting gravity do the trick like he’d been doing, he got really interested in my ability to use the toy properly and then we became pretty good friends. We played with that thing for a really long time and then we both lost interest in it because we have the same attention span, apparently. Then we played with this little plastic workbench that has these pegs that are different shapes. and if you fit the shapes correctly in the spots for them then hammer them it makes a sound. The sounds were fun. And i had a good time asking Tyler if the circle peg fit in the triangular spot and then going over how it didn’t and how it was a circle. And then doing the same thing with the triangle and celebrating when we got it right and he got to pound-pound-pound and make lots of noise which everyone likes.

Jack played with us some too, mostly because he was jealous and he’s going through his “Mine! Mine! Mine!” phase. He’s a good kid though. Whenever you ask him to share something he just does it even after he’s ripped it from your hands. It’s like he thinks he’s got a shot not sharing it if only no one uses that special word. I made sure to say “Your toys are fun Jack! Thanks for sharing them with us!” when he came over so that he wouldn’t take things from Tyler because the poor little irish kid was so damn confused by things being taken away. Jack even sat on my lap for a little while and watched me explain how shapes fit. Then he took the square and put it in the square hole and seemed accomplished as Tyler pounded away at the square that now made noise. Then he held his gross, sticky jelly bean out to me and i was like “where does that fit jack?” and he put it in his mouth. So cute. Just absolutely adorable.

Eventually, I got control of the baby, Nate. He’s fantatic. He mostly just likes to watch things happen and be held. He’s not that demanding about what happens when he’s held as long as there is something exciting going on. Exciting, to him, is watching Justin eat and watching the Masters on TV. While we were all talking, he decided that he wanted to add to the conversation so he’d chatter sometimes for a few minutes and then just stop. And I’d ask him about his feelings about the conversation. We were talking about American Idol and how that one guy with an S name is maybe going to win despite sucking… Nate and I agreed that after Doughtry lost, it was all over. And that Nate thinks that the one-legged dancer on Dancing with the Stars should win the show because she’s so good with one leg and she’d probably be outstanding if she had both (for similar reasoning, FDR deserved the presidency). And he didn’t even cry when he got wet. He just squirmed around and started chattering until Aunt Cindy came by and changed him. He was pretty fascinated by my hair, cos it’s so curly and fun to pull. He’s got a grip like a bear trap too. And his major interest in holding onto hands and fingers is so that he can use them to ease his teething. He slobbered all over my hand for most of the afternoon.

So it turns out my maternal instrincts have gotten much stronger. I’m not nearly as afraid of Nate at his age as I was even of Jack at his a little over a year ago. And I think babies could maybe be sorta fun. Though I still want to be able to spend time with mine which means waiting like 8+ years before i have one. I texted kyle and said “awh. i love babies. my maternal instinct is so strong.. it’s scary.” and i think that scared him a bunch. he made sure to emphasize that i shouldn’t have a kid for a very long time in his reply. and my response made it clear that i in no way was meaning to test the waters on that question. eek. it’s weird though that i am at the age where some people start families. aggh. TERRIFYING.

Last night was interesting to say the least. I was designated driver because I felt more like driving to lawrence and remaining sober than I did drinking. For that reason, I only consumed a margarita at around 10:35 p.m. that was weak enough to serve to a child. But what do you expect for 2 dollars at the B-Dubs that you’re pissed about eating at because you wanted something less greasy and you wanted to be there much earlier? Agh. I guess that’s just the way it all works out sometimes…. So I guess the big problem of the night was that I decided it wouldn’t be that bad of an idea to take James and Mle together. The thing is, their relationship is really complicated because of the last five years times this weekend and my relationship with her is somewhat complicated because of my relationship with him… that is… we’ve been spending more time together because we just happen to like to be cynical about the world, and i enjoy the company of people who don’t want to fuck me. But then, that’s where the problem comes in. Because I guess we have enough of a dumbfuck history together that it doesn’t always look like maybe we’re only up to innocent things when we spend time together, but I assure you there isn’t anything like that. He’s focused on things that do not pertain to women right now and I’m doing everything I can to keep Kyle which means that our companionship with each other doesn’t even have sexual undertones in it. But good luck convincing emily of that. So I don’t really want to say no when she asks for a ride because I don’t want her to feel like I’m choosing James over her or like there’s something going on between James and I that we would need to hide from her… so she goes with us to the party in Lawrence. Mostly, it wasn’t that bad until the end of the night when people got upset. But that calmed down somewhat on the ride home and maybe it’s just easier to let stuff all out.

When I got home, I was happy because Kyle was still awake for me to vent to. And he got to talk about his conversation that night which I think really needed to happen and will be good for him and good for me and good for our relationship. I really like that he stands up for me in situations, it means a whole lot. It’s nice to never doubt that my boyfriend only thinks the highest of me. And also that he’ll forgive me for things in our past and understand that he has things in his past too that are maybe less than favorable and that I just don’t really care about them because we’re together now and that’s what matters. I also got to read his blog entry which is about how fantastic we are for each other and how incredibly happy we make each other. I’m so happy he feels the same, I can’t even explain it.

I’m so caught up in how emotionally open and honest our relationship is. It means a lot to me that we can have those sorts of conversations and I don’t realy worry about him expecting more out of me than just humanity. And, at that, he thinks I’m pretty great and I think likewise about him. After reading his blog entry, I really opened up to him about how I feel about him. And about the elements of my past that make it unlikely that I feel this way about another human being. There’s just something about him that I fundamentally trust. and I keep looking back to that blog entry he had after the first weekend I spent with him in Carbondale and realizing that it’s only been getting better. And that thing he said about being excited to get to know me and to get to know himself only gets more and more true every day. I love learning about him and coming to really know him in the deepest sense, and I love that he gets to figure me out and that he does a pretty decent job at it. He’s fantastic. And he treats me like a capable human being. I guess that should seem a bit absurd to feel like I haven’t received that kind of treatment but after learning that you’re too crazy to date… you get a little sensitive about other people thinking that you’re somehow more fragile.

I don’t want to be defined by my being bipolar. Sure, it means sometimes I don’t get out of bed for a week or a month. Sometimes I withdraw almost completely from the social groups that I care about and then have to come back to it like What the fuck did I just do. I also sometimes spend money irrationally, make poor and impulsive decisions and hurt people without understanding the full consequences of my actions. Sometimes I have panic attacks that leave me hyperventilating and crying or puking. But he handles all of that. And he doesn’t think less of me because of it. He just says the right things and talks me through it. And even when he’s mad at me while I’m having a panic attack… he doesn’t respond to it like it’s some ploy or something I’m doing for attention. He just sorta let’s me deal with it and get through it. And I really respect that about him. Because I need to be treated like an adult. I’m not that fragile. And in the end I do a decent job sorting myself out and talking out the things that need to be talked out with the people that I care about. I love that he finds me rational and understands my logic and rationality. It makes it so much easier to behave that way around him.

I’m satisfied. I think things are looking up. And I’m supposed to hang out with the squad this weekend, so we’ll see how that goes.

I’m trying to spend today relaxing on account of my having broken out in hives yesterday. I think I’m feeling better today, but it’s kind of hard to tell. By tomorrow, I should have my anti-anxiety medicine refilled and then things will be a lot less nerve-wracking. Agh. I’m not even sure what it is that i’m stressed out about, i think just the ammount of pressure that’s on me. I need to find a summer job. I also needed to call back one of my summer job options. This was a major point of stress because the more I thought about it the more I regretted putting in an application. Luckily, my availability was such that they couldn’t really give me the job, though they would have otherwise. Awesome work on my part to get a good, easy out of that job. Now, I still need to find a summer job, but I’ll probably wait until a little closer to my having decent availability. Plus, the odds that I’m going to want to just work at the cap-j and spend time with Kyle are really high. So here’s looking forward to that.

To relax, I’ve rented season one, disk one of 24 and Arrested Development from Hastings. That was pretty awesome. I watched all 4 episodes of 24 at work last night. I’m a pretty big fan of the show, it turns out. Though I also really like Kim’s story line this season which means I’m one of the woman demographic. Ugggh. Tonight I have mass at like 7 and then Travis’s birthday sometime after that. I’m pretty excited for both. It will be nice to go out and see people.

This weekend I feel completely overwhelmed by the ammount of things I need to get done, thus the relaxation today. I have to do at least 3 more hardcore edits on my papers for bearman. I also need to write my entire art history paper. I would also, preferably, like to finish reading The Elegant Universe. But I might spend some/most of today trying to knock that out. It would at least give me a good jumpstart on where I’d like to be come Sunday night.

My birthday was fantastic! So many people made it to dinner and we had an excellent time. it was nice to see all those friends and I got fun gifts (a choker from Janelle that i’m currently wearing and a Personal Wager pad from Cara that I can’t wait to find uses for.) Exciting! It was basically just my parents, Kyle, Emily & friends and I at Dave and Busters… but Dudley and Jessica and Lilia and Chad made it out. It was nice to see all of them since I don’t often.

I was drunk 4 times in 2 days. That was awesome.

I’ve spent the rest of 21 being pretty remarkably sober. Awesome.

I’m sort of freaked out about turning 21. It makes me feel like I’m somehow an adult. Though I’ve been trying to cancel out the drama that I created over the past six months of my life lately. I’m trying to let go the bullshit people do to me and just rise above it. I’m also trying not to create any extra drama. There’s that.

My horoscope says not to make any longterm commitments today. That’s good because the only committment I’m willing to make is to tomorrow. This probably means I should wait on the job offer if that’s what the community center is writing about. Who knows?

I feel better today. Not nearly as doubtful and depressed. I need to start taking my antidepressants in the morning, otherwise by the midevening I pretty much want to cry and slit my wrists or something. Luckily, it’s not a pressing need. So I generally just cry some. I think the pills make you crazier. But I’ll keep taking them.

I’ve been watching this flick called Lie With Me. It’s basically just sex. It’s really pretty though… and the dialogue is sort of poignant. And I think that I sort of relate to a lot of the dialogue. It’s basically about this girl who is unhealthily into sex. Does that describe me? Maybe. I think that by the time I reach the end of the movie I’ll have some insight into myself. If not, it’s really pretty still.

Oh my oh man. I’m listening to this mixed cd that Janelle made me on Cinco De Mayo last year and it makes me very happy. It’s a lot of really rad country with other country-sounding things mixed into it as well. And some good rock. I don’t know. Just happy music that reminds me of a very happy time last year. And I cleaned my room so I’m in a very good mood because the windows are open and everything is very nice. Plus, i put books on my bookshelves like I’ve been meaning to do since winter break. It’s nice to feel like my closeet is presentable when open, even my mom said that it looked nice.

I went to mass today, sort of by force. I really really did not want to go. Not because I don’t like mass but because I’m having one of those days where I feel uncontainable by the fruits of the industrial complex… meaning, i want out of cars. i just want to hang out in my room with the wind blowing and my music playing. instead, i went to mass and then got very angry when i found out that the walgreens i chose to fill my Rxes at was closed at 6 so i had to drive back over the bridge and into town. Then i had to wait on the Rxes so I decided that I should just go to Barnes and Noble and pick up my book and movie, and that I did. I’m glad I finally got that done, even though I hate spending money, and I’m glad I got my Rxes filled…. but eegh. I thought I was going to be crazy by the time I got home.

Only 6 days until I turn 21! Yay! And hopefully I get to see Kyle that day. fantasticness, yes?

I’m afraid of how happy he makes me.
I worry that love is a losing game.
I suddenly understand the anxiety of those who have loved me.
But dammit.
I don’t want to be always leaving.
And I think he could make me stay.

I interviewed for those rotary study abroad scholarships today. I didn’t win, despite being a finalist, but this is okay. In the end I just really had a good time and met some good people and I’m excited about going abroad (more so this evening than this morning) and that’s about all that I could ask for, I think. Some of the questions were mighty interesting. My favorite, by far, was “Would you marry an African?” I guess the guy was tryin to get a feel for me as a person… but seriously… what’s the answer to that… No one knows. I just said I’d rather the kid be Catholic than anything. Agh. What a weird, weird question. I also got asked who KU played tonight and at what time by the same guy. Luckily I knew the answer to that one… what the fuck.

So mom and dad looked at my vacation photos today (the sober ones). I think they’re starting to settle down and rational out. I’m even a little bit convinced that maybe mom has slowed down her drinking which is about all that I can ask for. Who knows what happened to spur this? I’m not sure. But I’m glad that it’s happening.

Things between Kyle and I are really good. I pretty much couldn’t be happier, less the ability to erase pasts. I found out that the other Jessica got pretty upset when she found out about Kyle and I and I guess I just felt really bad about it. I mean, I had no idea until a few days ago that she was even still in the picture… but I’m not sure I even would’ve handled things differently had I known. Cos basically what happened to her was about half as bad as what happened to Joe especially and also kind of Tyler so I don’t know. I think I pretty obviously would have still fucked her over. I feel really bad for what I did to those boys. I wish I would’ve been more considerate of their feelings throughout the entire process of my getting into a relationship with kyle, but certainly on that Valentine’s Day. I shouldn’t have broken Joe’s heart as such and if I had it to go back and do over, I’d be much more adult about it. Dammit. Why am I such an asshole?

I’m feeling so much better today than I have been the last few days. Something about the alcohol last night just lead to a complete breakdown and I finally let go of those tears I’ve been holding back for days and days and months and years in some cases. I’m really glad Kyle was there to talk to, it turns out that any doubts I had about his ability to handle me when i’m crazy were completely unfounded. So anyway. I was outside with Kyle and Dudley and then I started coughing from the cigarettes and that made me sick combined with the alcohol didn’t help so I went inside so it didn’t happen again. Then, I decided it would be a good idea to email Madeline and just tell her everything I feel about the friendship we currently don’t have. I’m glad I did that. But at the same time, by the time Kyle came into the hotel I was sobbing. So he just sort of talked to me and I opened up about how much I hate that everyone who says they love me is also very mean to me sometimes. and How i hate that i just excuse everything everyone does to me that sucks on the basis of being like “well…. fuck… whatever… they’re (insert excuse for behavior here)” and i just wish i’d quit doing that. It was a good talk. About how I hate how much I try to be perfect and I’m never actually perfect.

I think I woke up with a new understanding of love. I think Joe was right when he accused me of not knowing what love was. But I think I was right to be offended because I did know what love was supposed to be I just was really jaded about it. I think I’ve lost that jadedness. I think I know what love is. And I don’t think I think it’s my problem anymore that love meant saying I’m a whore. I just feel like if you loved me then you’d know me and you’d know that I’m not a whore. You’d understand what it is I’m doing and going through and whatever. You’d know that my behavior isn’t even that bad.

I guess last night was a rough one. But I think I came out all the better. It was good catharsis.

Sometimes, i’m just really glad I have a sense of humor.
And that I can say fuckoff when need be.
It’s also sort of nice in a silver-lining-kind-of-way that I no longer have to take my mom’s judgements about my life seriously.