Category: Journal

yesterday was mothers day. yay. mom yelled at me for going out for subway with colby the other day. but it was okay. cuz we quit fighting when my little brother got mad at us. anyway. i spent most of yseterday obsessing over various things that i have to do in all of my classes. yeep. i’m so tired and stuff. bored with it all. like school and shit. i’m so fucking sick of it. i just need it to be over now. because i’m going crazy.
i got Rufio and Brand New’s albums yesterday. i think i like them. Rufio is really poppy. but its not bad and sometimes im in the mood for popish stuff. whee.
i think i’m going to delete all of my shit. like just keep smash. because i’m tired of running a billion websites. that’s all

worlds of fun was fun. i think. we rode the rides. there were more lines than last time and that sucks but they still weren’t very bad in comparison to the summer. yikes. and i didn’t curse as much as I usually do. which i think is also an improvement.
gabe and i talked about us, cuz we were cuddly on the bus.. and i’m just a naturally cuddly person and i thought we should straighten things out. i think we kind of have. i’m not so confident about the whole ordeal but i think we’re getting to the point that we have a really nice relationship again.
i won a pig on one of those weight-guesser things. whee! i’m so happy that i won something just by being fat. except i’m not fat. but still. har har. heh. i’m watching fast and the furious tonight. rock the fuck on.

there is new poetry. because f-od is a bastard and therefore i hate it. it’s number 45 and it’s called “happy birthday”. its about brian. so madeline don’t worry. anyway though. its there. and i think i should notify my avid readers (hah!) so i am.

i didn’t make Players. but it was only because i have debate/forensics and i’ll miss a bunch of 7th hours and she listed that. she said that i had a great audition and she wishes she could take me. it really was good to hear. i didn’t really want players so bad. i mean. it would’ve been fun, but honestly i think Calc is a little more important than that class. so you know.. it’s not so bad that that’s how it worked out. and it gave me a little bit of confidence which is what i needed more than the stress of being in it. blah. so yeah. it was all okay
today i got sorta yelled at. laura, our ad manager, didn’t check our ads before they went to press so my page ended up with the wrong ads on it because nobody told me i had to change anything (i figured that since we have an ad manager and everything it should be up to her to do the ad managing. hm) so we’re out like 45 dollars or something because of the mistake. and i was really upset because its a terrible week and thus a good one for me to get upset about things. so i talked to neiman and she said that it was just a miscommunication and that i shouldn’t feel bad about it. which made me happy. because yeah. i’d be pissed if i got blamed for it.
i’m really random and quasi-witty today. gah. i don’t know what to say about anything. Gabe hit on me today, i think. it’s so hard to tell.. he puts me down all hour and then he’s like “I really wish we could just be alone sometime”.
i don’t know what to think about it… soijustwontthinkaboutitatall.

i feel a little better today i think. i’m really not sure it kind of goes in cycles. i talked to L about it and we worked stuff out. i think. i feel really bad. but it really would hurt our friendship i can’t prtend that it wouldnt. because its really hard to look someone in the face and not think about it. and i had to leave school yesterday because i was so sick over it. it’s okay though. Lacey and i will make it through this and stuff.
i tried out for the school improv group today. whee. it’s fun stuff. i think i did pretty good. i think it will be a really fun class. Lacey and Kayla and all of those kids are in it and that’s great. i’m sure it’ll be wonderful. i just hope i get it. (luckily my mom, with her “oh jes.. you’ll be disappointed if you don’t make it” really provided me a lot of confidence. she’s so.. gah sometimes. hm.). so i hope i do well on that. and i hope everything goes well. i just need to live through tomorrow and then i’ll be fiiiiiine.
i’m also getting a new car this weekend. so they say. i’m going to go talk models. (go cavalier!)

i’m really out of it. i’m depressed and pmsing. and sad. and stuff. i’m just leaving up the new may blog.. no back linking till it gets easier. oh and i added new poetry. plus this new layout.
i can’t guarantee that anything will look that good around here or that i’ll feel like saying anything. i feel like shit today and i just want to clam up and hide in my bed. i don’t want to talk about any of it. nor do i want to do anything. i’m watching schindler’s list and my body feels drained. i started taking my meds again today i figure its healthy to take them. because they make me feel at least remotely better. and this “i want to kill myself a little more each second” feeling really needs to stop.
i just feel like such a pain in the ass, like everything would be easier for everyone if i wasn’t here. i feel fat and lonely and damn.
its like no one cares. but they do. its really just that i dont..

yeah i haven’t written in a week almost. because i don’t have a whole lot to say about anything. it seems like now that i can talk to madeline again she and i keep getting into little fight type things. i think we just miss each other a lot. that and i like clayton and i told her that i like him. because i can’t just pretend that i didn’t anymore. although i’m not sure that i do anymore. maybe it was just something i needed to get out of my system. it was beginning to become obvious. although yeah. still. i keep having dreams about him. last night, the night before. it’s weird and i don’t really know why he’s in my subcononcious.. i guess that’s why its a subconcious.

happy easter/420. I’m not really celebrating either. We had baskets and all and we’re eating later but no family or anything. on account of the rain. melh. oh well. it’s a fun time. and it’s better than what i was planning on getting afer thursday. mom decided to take easter away because of my being bi. gah.
i’ll update about last week. i cried and was sad a lot. on monday, i bought a track phone so that my parents won’t know that i have one. i barely got to talk to madsee at all last week. on thursday i asked for an open relationship because i was going crazy. then i realized what i was doing and changed my mind. yesterday she emailed me and said that she can’t be my anything if i want an open relationship. i feel like she lied to me because she said she wouldn’t matter. but regardless i love her to little bits and pieces and that comes before my ability to see other people. so i cancelled any openness of relationship.
friday/saturday was state history day. whee. i took 3rd which means no nationals. which fucking sucks. but it’s okay. i think i’m going to do it next year cuz i like things like that.. but still. i would have really really liked to get to go. i could always “remove” one of the first or second competitors so i can go. but honestly, i’m looking forward to never doing that piece again. i hated it. it was bad. and i should’ve worked harder if i REALLY wanted to go. i’m such a fucking slacker. it was just fun to get to hang out with cari.
mom saw my shrink on friday and yesterday said that i can talk to madeline again. i explained to her how lonely i feel and she said that she loves me and shouldn’t be taking away my freedoms the way she was. i said that if she loves me and doesn’t want to lose me she shouldn’t push me away. i didn’t mention that i know the reqs to be emancipated. because it would hurt her feelings if she knew i had looked into that.
last week was one of the shittiest weeks of my life. mrs. chamberlain helped talk me through some of it on tuesday and that was really good. she’s such a wonderful teacher/mentor and i’m so glad i have her as a teacher or just as a friend really.

i took fourth at the nfl quallifier. and i generally did better today than i did yesterday. so that’s pretty good. i got to talk to madeline and eat chinese.
i think i’m just going to sneak around to see her, keep myself busy with books and music, and pretend everythings alright until it dies down around here.
i’m not saying anything to mom anymore. if she can’t learn to be civil and quit giving me issues i’m just going to ignore her. and i told her that too. she just doesn’t even try to understand me.

mom found notes that madsee had sent me. she yelled at me for a long time. she used words like slut and faggot. dad is being slightly better about it than she is. although when they’re together it’s really bad. but when he’s apart he’s understanding. says that i can call her and stuff when they’re not home.
it doesn’t make it much better. i still feel trapped. without reason.
they don’t believe me that those cigarettes were mine. but it’s okay that jerrad smoked. because he’s jerrad and he just gets too. they’re such assholes sometimes. mom took my cellphone, tried to take my phone, tried to take my computer, tried to take my car. luckily, dad talked her out of most of them. and i don’t know about the cellphone. it just pissed me off because it’s my goddamn stuff. and i was sleeping when she decided to take all of it and she stormed in here, woke me up, and got me all upset again.
luckily, today is the second? two rounds of the nfl qualifier. FUCKERS! WAY TO THROW OFF MY HEAD GAME. i don’t know what i’m going to do. i’ll probably just fake my last two rounds and then sleep/cry in the cafeteria. at least amelia will be around. i’m glad she emailed me about having someone to talk to. because i need someone now.
i’m also banned from sarah. goddamn them.