Category: Journal

i went to lawrence on saturday with madeline and we lost my brother on mass street. he’s such a little prick sometimes. i told him he couldn’t go and he went anyway. and he said he was going to “the toy store” meaning just a toy store a few doors down but i thought he meant the store that is actually called the toy store so when we went to look for him he wasn’t there and i was freaking out and i’d had too much caffeine over that 24 hour period so i was twitchy anyway and then i like had a panic attack on top of it. oh and i was all distant toward madeline because i was trying to find the kid and i was afraid that the neighbor would see us being all lesbian-ish and tell his mom who would tell mine and then my mom and i would start fighting again. and everything has been so goddamn calm around here. i really like it that way.

last night i went over to stephs and we watched delicatessan, we also rented va savoir which we plan on watching today. its a french comedy. we had 2 bad jokes just in the renting of the movie. she picked it up off the shelf and said ‘i always see this. i wonder what its about.’ and i was like ‘who knows!?’ and she kind of looked at me blankly and i was like ‘va savoir means who knows. its clever.’ and she just stared blankly at me, again. tsk. 2) “haha its a french comedy” “the french have senses of humor?” yay. although we generally support french people and enjoy them. generally.

i tried to do my calc summer assignment(s) last night and i’ve apparently lost the sheet that it was all written on. this just figures. i also don’t have any paper. so i’m going to have to look into that. i’m kind of excited about school at least just a little. schedule: ap english, debate ii, seminar, ap calculus, french iv, ap government, is college literature, adv journalism. it shouldn’t be so bad. note the apparent lack of science. mwah-hahah. i feel like i’m avading the system but no. i just relaly don’t like science. 🙂 and my is in college literature takes place during the creative writing class, so i can listen in on that a little at least and then it turns into a free hour second semester. which i’ve decided to keep. rock.

i’m feeling all political today. listening to the pros and cons of dean on msnbc. its apparently splitting the democratic party. but i figure that happens. i dig him though. i think we need something a little more liberal, and i agree with most of what he says and the way he plans on getting there. maybe they should fight down gephardt. i’m also pretty sure that this attacking everyone from within policy that the dems are developing might just lose them another election. fuck. i don’t know what i’ll do. bah. ::whines:: but i really like his foreign policy. that figures… i read about all the candidates according to their own sites the other day and chose a candidate. gephardt was a close second but he just goes too far. i think that dean can capably put uhc into effect without paying out all that money. cuz gep’s numbers are so fucking high. shrug. i think he has a pretty good shot though. i really don’t know. i just know that its nice to read a political agenda that is not full of conservative drivel.

i feel like shit today and yesterday (and really the day before too) anyway. so wednesday night i went to work and i was really yucky feeling after i got there and i just sat there feeling terrible until it was time for me to go home and then i went home and kicked mom out of my bed (sometimes she sleeps there when the dogs are loud and i’m not home yet) and then i stumbled around looking for cough medicine and i took a bunch of benadryl and then i went to sleep.

i woke up yesterday and called into work because i just couldn’t face preschoolers feeling this way and they were cool about it so i took more benadryl and went back to sleep in my mom&dads bed because people are here working on the ceiling and i would otherwise be trapped in my bed. so i slept more until 1:15 or so and then i got up and went to a meeting that was MANDATORY! at the courthouse about the teen youth court thing. it lasted like 1.5 fucking hours and then i went to see if mom could get me a doctors appt. i got to my car about 4 minutes after they gave me a parking ticket. what bullshit. i’m really pissed. i mean its only 3 dollars but still i was only 4 minutes late. and god dammit i was sick and i had to be there and where else was i supposed to park. so anyway. i drove home and took more cough syrup and got back in bed and then i started calling people whose phone numbers i remembered (crazy dxm) and one of these people was jerrad.

so anyway i call jerrad get his machine which just has his phone number in the computerized voice that they use and i wasn’t even sure if it was jerrad i just thought it was so he calls me back later and asks what i wanted and i said “just to see what you were up to, i guess.” and he said “well i’m supposed to go to lawrence with steph tonight.” and i was like “Oh i didn’t want to do anything i’m sick and i was just calling people” but his phone cut out or got all muffled or something and so i just hung up.. about a half hour later steph calls me and like bitches at me for calling her boyfriend because “he doesn’t like you anymore” and “he doesn’t really want anything to do with you.” and the whole time i’m just like “i don’t know man. i didn’t want him. i just wanted to talk to him cuz i haven’t in a long time and i thought he might be dead or something.. i just didn’t want to lose contact.” and she was like “well have a nice day!” and i was like “okay psycho-cunt.” but i didn’t say that part out loud. anyway. i guess she thinks (this according to lacey sometime last week) that i tried to get up on him a few weeks ago but i swear all of my conversations are logged on my computer and thus i would know if i tried to get up on him and i did not. we joke about stuff like that but i could’ve never gone through with it. besides, until yesterday i thought steph was a pretty cool girl. i don’t know. i felt like maybe i should call back and explain but i was just so drugged up on all the benadryl that i figured i wouldn’t be able to explain, plus i was pretty heavy and hard to move. dxm, shrug.

ah. madeline called me back (i called her too) and she said that she’s fine with being my girlfriend again. (w00t) i’m excited. other than that there isn’t a whole lot going on besides my being sick and freaking out about clipper but i suppose i’ll bitch about all that later. ::rolls eyes:: dammit.

i finally have the blog going. that is, movable type is installed on the server and all of the archives are pointed to the right place. its very entertaining. i’m excited about it all being done though cuz god knows its taking for-for-for-ever. now i’m watching AI for the first time on showtime. its very good, so sad though. the boys in it are so cute though. and therefore i just have to love it. thats really all that’s going on right now.

i meant to write a bunch of debate briefs and such but i really want this done first. because i paid money for this which i guess makes it a paramount issue, that and i’m always so terrified to fail so i’ll just put off debate for a long time because if i don’t start then i can’t fail. aw discussing my fears is not exactly my forte. but its true that i have this. dammit. i really need to just make myself do it. i think i will at some point. maybe later tonight. maybe if i ever get the domain established. shrug.

sometimes i hate myself. just everything about me. i hate the way i look the way i act the way i think to much. and i just don’t know what to do about it. last night i dreamt about feeling that way. i felt like i sucked and so i started cutting and i cut a chunk out of my arm. it was very disgusting. i just had this spot missing. and the skin was there but it was hollow like a bowl with skin and some muscle tissue for sides and a bottom and all of this tissue and cut muscle and pink flesh there. i went around with it and it stung like a bitch for weeks then i realized it wasn’t going to scar and i got really sad. i started crying and saying “what the fuck did i do!? why did i do that?!” and then i realized i was probably dreaming and so i woke up. i don’t know what to think of it it was so fucking insane. i hate having dreams like that. i just do not know what at all to think about them.

first, glare at amelia for putting me in a modd to listen to nsync. second, i was driving devon home today, blasting no strings attached and thinking about liking nsync

thinking about boy bands period reminds me of 6th grade, right after i realized that nick carter was one sexy mother. haha. (i hate admitting any of this) i went into class one morning and was like “andrea, nick is mine.” and i just said it all funnily. like i actually though i had a chance with nick carter.

note: this too is disappointing because at that age i was like “well one day you’ll be 18 and then you’ll have new hott celebrities that are your age that you can want to date and then it will be more reasonable that it’ll happen” and now i’m like 17 and the only guys i wanna bang are still like a lot older then me. see: christopher walken. see also: leonardo dicaprio, matt damon, jason lee, rivers cuomo, derek jeter. old crushes die so fucking hard.

so this moment of my life is one that i look back on with disdain. first, nick looked like a 6th grader at that time so it was maybe okay but then i also realized that maybe i don’t have to justify who i was attracted to, that this.. liking.. of nick carter shouldn’t be so fucking embarassing. but in a way it still kind of is embarassing. but i don’t think we always control who we like (whether nick carter or otherwise) because there are just certain things that attract us to people. so i realized this while driving.

anyway. this leads us to part 2 which is about nsync and why its okay that i still listen to them. when you think about it, i really was in the target age that boy bands were marketed to. (see also: cigarettes, girl power, recycled generation-x cynicism). and whether or not this JUSTIFIES (pun intended) me liking nsync now, i think its true that from a certain age we’re just conditioned to like certain things. the same way that my parents were raised in a dr.spock+catholicism outlook, my friends and i were conditioned to want to listen to boy bands. pop music of the boy variety (or the girl variety) in my opinion, is better than things like good charlotte. never has pop claimed to have some great revolution its just whatever is liked at the time. and therefore, it is good. “hi. i’m jess. and i listen to nsync.”

i think that we’re all such a pattern of everything you know. our parents raise us so that they’re not like their parents and we’ll raise our kids so that we’re not our parents and its just such a sick cycle. we never pay attention to the fact that since we’ve survived thus far our parents must not be that bad.

i mean, i don’t want to have kids because i’m sure that i’ll fuck them up somehow. i don’t know. i think i could have a pretty decent relationship with a son or daughter but i’d be more like a friend than a parent and sometimes kids need parents. they’ll find their own friends. also, i need to be able to have a decent relationship with anyone before i try to have one with someone that’s going to need me to be supportive for 18 years (hopefully more).

parenting is so tough. i’m glad i don’t plan on having any children until way later in life. i’m afraid of them. and remember: don’t procreate!

today i hung out sort of with mom and her friends. i meant to just stay and eat their brocoli but then i got sucked into the group and just kept stickng around. one of her friend’s dad is dying and they made her tell them about what happened today and she was talking about how close her dad is getting to death and how hard it is for her to deal with all of it.

i ended up crying (go figure, fucking emo kid) by the end of the whole discussion because its just such a weird subject for me. i don’t really remember my grandparents death. i remember going to the hospital a lot to see grandpa bob but i only remember the guy that gave me balloons, specifically the day mine blew away in the parking lot. and i remember going to see him when they had moved him back into the house when we took devon over to see them. that was so sad. he was so close to death. i also remember throwing a temper tantrum because they wouldn’t let me go to the funeral. but then they did let me go to the other grandparents funerals and that was good for me. i needed the closure, even if i was only four.

i have more memories of my dad’s parents being alive and of their death. but i really don’t ever remember them being sick. and maybe they weren’t sick for that long. i remember them as being such strong people though.. and i always had fun around them. i suppose thats the best memory to have.

i remember my mom’s mom the most of all of them. and despite the fact that she was apparently a plague on my mom’s childhood, they had a better relationship by the end of her life and so i remember her a lot. i think i always felt like she liked Tyler and Justin better than she liked me and i suppose she was just closer to them cuz they lived 3 blocks away instead of 3 cities away. i don’t know. but i remember her being nice even if she never was “grandmotherly” so to speak. she was near the end and i have at least some good memories with her. like that statue she gave me at first communion.

i remember when she died though. i had vbs that day and they told me right when i woke up and then they asked if i still wanted to go to vbs and i said yes. i just remember standing at the piano feelng like no one knew what was going on and that i couldn’t cry even though i really wanted to cry and i needed to cry (i was only like 8 for chrissakes) and i was just so sad. and we were doing a can food drive for starving children in other countries and we had filled the whole wall almost with cans so that they wouldn’t die and i felt like it wasn’t fair that people rally for other countries but not for my grandma. even though she did live a longer life than a child.. none of my grandparents lived to be older than 70.. i’m not sure any actually made it to 65 either. god that sucks. and my parents have bad genes apparently. oh and they smoke all the time so they’ll probably die young too. goddammit.

i might not hate my mom. i looked at her and realized i might be sad if she dies. but i kind of feel like she already did you know. like nothing could hurt worse than your mother telling you that she’s tired of being your parent. and it sucks even worse that i can’t talk about it. we’re just fucking not allowed to say ANYTHING about it around here or else we’re trying to use it to our advantage or something. i’m going to have another fucking nervous breakdown and i’m not ready for that. i don’t know how i’ll handle it when i finally deal with it all.

good thing i’ve been conditioned to push everything away.

first, i must say that yes the blog is back but that its serving the purpose of being my bullshit philosophy house for the time being. and its mine and i get to decide what to do with it so i’m going to use it to post my opinions as i go through this gigantic apostasy that i rolled into mid-june. my apologies for not keeping you posted. but i’m not even really keeping myself posted so you’ll just have to get over it.

i started reading generation x by douglas coupland today and on the back it says “a modern catcher in the rye” – cosmopolitan. and i got really angry. even though i like the book a lot (or at least what i’ve read of it) i think that its bad to compare anything to catcher in the rye and that we do this way too much.

its like suddenly, ever book with good character development and no plot is suddenly catcher in the rye. similarly, ever new age guy with a degree in astrology or mythology is suddenly the messiah. catcher in the rye was a beautiful book with a lot more to it than being the precursor for every plotless book to follow. and in a lot of ways, its kind of like my bible. and jd salinger is like right under god to me. like if god quits one day (i don’t think god will quit but still) jd salinger is going to have to fill in. and besides, franny and zooey kind of defined a lot of my religious beliefs. so i get mad when being like catcher gets thrown into every other book review. nothing is like catcher and if they really wore, wouldn’t like the next plotless book be a modern generation x or whatever. dammit.

also, until they apparently read this book, i did not realize cosmo was literate.

i got back from washington dc today. wow. i am so in love with that city. i might just have to move there. everything is so glorious. its all marble and columns and HISTORY! and i’m a transportation dork and could ride the subway for hours. i can’t even explain how great it was and how much fun i had. i’m sure i’ll get into the details of it all later. it was amazing.
i’m going to miss kandy, maggie, nikki, political talks on the floor of the metro station, the culture, the couples, the languages, and the rain most.
but it is kind of nice to be home. i’ve missed madeline a lot, and my mom and dad and brother and dogs. i’m watching movies now. mulholland drive. its supposed to be scary. i’ll find out i guess.

so much has happened since last time i blogged. madeline and i broke up. tommy and i hooked up. madeline and i got back together.
mom also went uncrazy and is now letting me see madeline again. which is excellent because i’m so in love with that girl and being without her was just terrible.
the group blog is up at http://earthfire.windflame.net.
the seniors graduated today and i am very sad. i’ll miss some of them.