Category: Journal

i think i’m going to start my own political comentary subdomain called in perspective. that’d be fun. i also have to put the picture machine up sometime and put the web cam sectionut before that happens. so who knows what i’ll ACTUALLY end up doing. but i think political commentary could be really hardcore. erik’s birthday is in 2 days. i’m going to send him something.. itll be late by about a week prolly but it’ll be fun. so yah. rock on. now i just have to figure out what to get him. dun dun dun. who knows…

work is pretty boring tonight. i just feel like sleeping. but lewis black is on the daily show and i can watch that when i get home, which is fun. at least kim tells me he is and they always show the same episode at 12 as they did at 10. last night i got to watch reno 911. that show = better than strangers with candy. was that the name of that one show? shrug.

alas, i finally have time to blog. i never have time for anything these days. tuesday and today i didn’t/won’t really be home at all. on tuesday i had school then clipper (till 4) then a debate “dog and pony show” traditionally known as the baylor clinic and then work from 7:30 till 11:30. tonight i had a guitar lesson at 4 a meeting for TYC at 6 and work now at 7:30. i’ll get off at 11:30. it’s a good thing this is a nice quiet place with a comfy chair and a desk to do my homework at (or install photoshop 7 thnx clayton and a bunch of fonts). i have so much to do. im totally overwhelmed. ::hiss::

and i forgot my meds today. i think i talk about them too much though. like i’m happy that i have to take all the medication. i think i just need people to keep me accountable and be like “yah dog take your pills.” so that i don’t quit again because i have all those fucking nightmares about random things and then i can’t drive right (last night i dreamt that i was in a car accident) or lacey wrecks after i dream that she dies and i see tommy after i dream about him. not to mention the scary dreams about rape. i don’t know what to think about the whole ordeal i just wish it would stop. i hate not trusting people and driving slow and stopping way behind the line. i didn’t know you could get that feeling that everything is over in a dream. dammit. maybe i should’ve okayed that dps. er. nope.

clipper is going really well i think. i’ve gotten over my bitterness about josh being editor. i don’t really have the time anyway and now i can have none of the responsibility of being editor and its all okay. honestly, i’m overwhelmed. i don’t need that. and i do so much that if a college doesn’t think i should get their money because i wasn’t clipper editor then they’re missing out (on what, a french club president, math club president, debator, ASS. editor, website designer, two-job working girl? don’t forget that i’m emotionally unstable at times, but only at times… psha. and last but not least! my driving record). everything is so rambly. back to clipper. so i’m okay with josh being editor and me being ass. and i’m okay with the staff even if we’re all dykes, josh, or cross country kids. ::shakes head:: the other day josh was in between the two groups and the girls were discussing oral sex (“licking the kitty?” christ amber..) and whether or not jessica w’s breasts grew over the summer while the boys were talking about how fasts their trucks go and whether or not the cheifs will make the playoffs. josh sat quietly in the middle pretending not to hear. (we call that .. pulling a neiman.) hah. they’re all so great though. maybe we could plan a flannel swap for the next layout night. giggle.

i saw sam today which reminded me that i need to call her. and i need to talk to mr. godfrey. and i need to call lexington, talk to sittenauer about a ride on the 10th, talk to sittenauer, fries, alexander, horton, vinduska about recruiting youth council members. i also need most of two weeks from now off. dammit dammit. dammit.

the only really good news of the weeks is that i got a 93 on my first government test. go me. i also did a good job on the essay which made me happy because i had to think of all of those examples right then and there. even if one is my aff case (secret) and the other is my big obsession (Kyoto) and the third is my last year second semester point of hostility (2000 elections). bam. and i got a 51 on “how liberal or conservative are you?” survey in government too. which means that i’m bob-dylan-and-janis-joplin liberal. joshie thinks that i’m actually worse than that. but he would.

speaking of josh for the 3rd time, i got him a copy of greg palast’s The Best Democracy Money Can Buy for his birthday. hahahaha. i hope he’s happy with it. i’m sure he won’t be. but maybe i’ll gain some republican propaghanda for mine. heh. while i was out (in between the guitar lesson and the TYC meeting) i also bought Moneen’s album. i like it a lot.. i’m recommending it to jarod first chance i get cuz its really fucking good. especially this one song. and i get to see them in concert.

i need to go install fonts and pour my little soul into new photoshop versions (oh god…)

new saves the day and i’ve got tickets! i could cry i’m so happy. but i could also cry because my three favorite boys are so sad. everyones so fucking sad.
but i’ve got tickets.. woosh.

i also have my period which explains the mood swings.

i’ve been having terrible moodswings today. i was pretty manic for a few hours then i was depressed then i was just anxious and now i’m back to depressed and i feel sort of anxious. i’m so starting my meds again tonight. from the nightmares to the moodswings, being off of them at all was just a terrible terrible idea. my moods need to be stabilizing.

other than that i have not much to say. i spent all day yesterday with madeline and i had a wonderful time. i don’t know what i’d do without her. and we hung out with steph+boyfriend and he’s real cool. i like him a lot. so go my approval! hah.

speaking of stephs i saw the cunty one today at cd tradepost. i was going to ask her how that sand in her vagina was but i decided not to because i felt bad for her being so insecure with herself and not being able to have sugar and all. but its her own damn fault for not taking care of herself. i know plenty of nice people that can’t have sugar. she just isn’t one of them. shrug.

I hate the school computers. I just hate them. They had the whole entire fucking summer off and yet they’re still dumbfucks that can’t get anything done. Im in the computer lab in the library and there are only two available here and one of them won’t load the internet and the other won’t print, and of course we don’t have access to the chooser so i can’t just make it print and i’ll have to log out and it’ll be dumb and the debator kids (one of them) is getting on my nerves. oh well. i suppose i’ll be okay. i really just dread clipper. i can’t get anything done in there because all of the juniors are so loud and its not that i think that they’re bad or anything just that they’re very obnoxious all the time and they kept yelling yesterday and friday and it really sucks because i can get nothing done when they’re being that loud and i haven’t even interviewed one person about that story that i have to do and i’m probably going to get in trouble for it today. why do i do this to myself? tschus. (sorry mads)

well i’m in french cleverly worded title?) and i’m done with my composition on one, jamie warner. also known as Gaston le Maladroit. Its pretty decent. She kidnapped a kangaroo this summer, apparently. its great fun. now we’re talking about how i pierced my ear in class last year. bah. i have nothing really to do and i’m bored and have nothing to talk about. thus, we will discuss sleep.

last night i slept from like 9:30 till 7 this morning. its great. i am so refreshed for the first time in a long time. i also had chai and two ice cream bars so i was very very jumpy. meh-heheh. i’m thinking about starting une blog de francais. giggle.

what else do i have to say. nothing. oh well. i’m going to olive garden tonight with kim. Does the dance. woosh.

i’m watching a disney movie, the cheetah girls. its really dumb. because i don’t think people actually start pop bands, i think they just kind of happen (see also, hurricanes) its a crazy show terribly bad. but i just keep watching cuz its so bad its almost good. raven simone’s girl “galleria” or something is such a bitch. heheh. she’ll learn i’m sure. cuz that’s what disney movies are all about.

i also saw grind earlier today, it was really good. very cute. i think its one of those movies that i could watch over and over and over again. its great. and the boys were sexiful.

i saw madsee last night. i had a good time with her, but moms about to kick me offline so i’m going.

i got catch-22 from the library. its the first book to read on my college literature reading list. so far its really good. i like it a lot. even if i am only 10 pages in. the style is really choppy (note: my style right now feels really choppy). still, the book is funny and that’s what makes it carry. its funny in such an ironic way though. this reminds me that i got a new screen name for aol instant messenger. its deathtomodifiers. i’ll probably use it starting when i get home because if i use it right now then i don’t have a buddy list because i’m at work. anyway. that’s my plans.

later i get to go to madsees, assuming she’ll let me come over. i hate her f-od because it doesn’t tell me what time she wrote anything so we’ll have talks about how she’s feeling and then i read what she’s written and i don’t know if it is before or after she and i talked. i hate that. but i checked my favorites and it does give me the time of the last entry she wrote which was before so we talked about it last night AFTER she wrote those poems/prose but i still hate being scared like that.. i don’t know what the fuck i’d do without her.

whee. i’m not even fucking tired and its 4:15 am. heh. i’m all jumpy now cuz i took too much ‘caffeine’ and i’ll never sleep. but its okay. i have that nice druggedy-tiredy-happy-uppers-high going which is the funnest one to have. how did i go all summer without this? i don’t know. but yah. it’s exciting.

i spent all of today with madeline. did i write about that? not yet. but i did spend all day with her. well i started school this morning until like 10 (1st days suck!) and then i went to laceys cuz i took her home and i sat around with her till 11 and then i left for silver lake but i went by mcdonalds first and jesse/beth were there with funny stories and then i saw steph so i talked to her and then i made it to silver lake finally a little after 11:30. madeline and i just hung out all day basically.. we watched movies and slept and cuddled. it was really nice. even if she does say that she doesn’t cuddle when she sleeps, i had a really great time just lying there with her. she makes me feel so content with myself when we’re just holding each other. like maybe i’m okay.

but lately i don’t feel okay.. i mean, not about her, because she’s great (even when she is crazy, i still lub-luff-love her) but because i went through that whole “hey i need to be crazy and go find myself” phase and then i did find myself and now i know who i am and i don’t really ever want to be around me. i’m such a bitch. i mean. fuck. i think i’m just really upset that i hurt madeline (i hurt everyone) and i haven’t been writing poetry lately so i haven’t just vented about it all.. which would also be really nice to do. augh. i guess now i know me, i just have to learn to love me. its such a long difficult process. teenagerness. yuck.

doo doo doo. i just watched the state of the union again. it really pissed me off. maybe i’ll start a new blog entry in political opinion about that. but i don’t really know.. cuz i mean man fuck. he hasn’t done half the shit he talked about in that speech. and the only stuff that has been completed 1) isn’t complete 2) i didn’t agree with then 3) has basically been admitted to being a lie. it just angers me. and he doesn’t even seem to upset about it. he’s so warhungry sometimes. i wish he’d just leave other countries alone and care about american sometimes. pay attention to what WE NEED HERE. because he hasn’t really done that yet. and i think we still have a long way to go before we start building other countries as well.

also, there is a new layout that doesn’t convert line breaks. so all my journals are just one big mush. which makes transitioning funny. oh well. i heart you hardcore.

i’m really bitter about clipper. it just makes me angry that josh is editor and i’m not.. i understand all that about how he’s been on staff longer and blah blah blah but last week when he didn’t show up all the time to help out and i didn’t have a page or a story this issue but i was there for a long time i just got fed up with it.. i really hope i get over this because i like josh a lot and i think he’s a nice guy its just that i have the time to be there as much as they need me but i’m just like “why should i be there?” because i feel like i’m not appreciated because i’m asst. editor not editor. really i should stop bitching. i do like josh. its just that i thought we’d worked it out to co-editors. dammit.