Category: Poetry

i love you
those words,
in your handwriting
remind me we’re just friends

and when we’re alone
floors & floors of alone
i want to tell you
–hey, i want you

the brick walls are so many layers
stories which my concrete surrounds
but behind these faces
its just me

me, who was once soft and liquid
but is now hard,
is now dry and porous
(you make me soft again)

this pain, which
is not really pain,
its unbearable & yet
preventable, if i’d just say it

while i nonchalantly
hide it all from you, subtle
reasons to see you but, i told him
“i think i want her too”

your eyes shine like an
animal that i have yet
to domesticate

and i joke with you
because you apologize
and hug me again

i don’t know who i am
yet i continue,
in the darkness
stumbling around to find new mistakes
will you be my next mistake?
or have i passed my prime
and i’m left with me:
i am my only mistake

your words kill me
literally smashed into a thousand pieces
just lying here on the ground
wondering why
why why why
you couldn’t do me the favor,
that i did for you
and hide everything you have to say about anyone else
because i did it for you
. you’d just shrug and say i’m sorry
but
i think you do it just to hurt me
back (see also, organs you stabbed me
) my throat hurts
tired of screaming your name
i choke out other peoples
in this sick,sick dance
And all the stupid games we play
its you i love love love.
i hate this;
you’re such a fucking disease.
and i mean it in the best possible way
but i’m dying here
and i’m not afraid to say it
i’m tired of hiding
tired of wondering
tired of guessing.
and second-third-fourth-fifth-guessing
everything you do
and why i am without you.
i’m exhausted,
can i fall into your arms today: all these i’m sorrys
and i miss yous
are useless i
fucked
this one up long ago
the stereo has never been so honest before
but now its tearing me apart
i just want you.

you’re a breaking thought
inside my ((head
s where fashion is an afterthought
)) and i feel you
so much radio sta-sta-sta-static
and voices they carry like people you never knew
and you never .. you never knew me
across my skin like glass
your fingers are a diamond
and when my blood pours out,
you stop holding me
god forbid, your hands would get dirty.

i want to stop reading
ever word i see
knowing full well the context
of everything thats around me
i wish you were here right now,
dear, what is keeping you gone
why can’t you come read it to me
until all the words you’ve written are gone.

and then we’ll write new ones.
that i can read out loud
or trace along the crevices of your skin
and im sure i’d be so much surer
of us if i could hear it on your lips
read life to me like a story
i just need for you to tell me mine
i’ll stop the vicodin
if you’ll stop the blaming
and i won’t let it happen again.

picture me:
in the face of anyone else
saying no no no no no, i love her
because i’ve used those words before
and when i am hurt, i hurt.
and i hurt.
read it all back to me
because it would be beautiful if we survived it
read it all back to me
because it would be beautiful if it was no longer what we thought
but instead just the heat of your breath
rising to the ceiling, escpaing through your window

and what if we were just alone,
you and me
without any thoughts of what was
only a desire to find what could be
even if you don’t now,
will you love me again?

yesterday it was so cold that i was shaking
and my fingertips felt like icecubes
and my heart it was gone
but then today i heard your voice
and i’m alive right now, tonight.

i am dying in a dark room with light accessories
you are waiting patiently at the door
praying on a rosary you crafted out of curls in my hair
let her live, let her live, let her live
oh please god, let her live
and you don’t believe in god but you do believe in us
and i linger there awaiting an answer and our verdict and i feel myself slipping
my life is flashing before my eyes
and you might see me smile when i get to the parts of you
but otherwise its tears and hatred,
so many times alone with broken glass
this is all i see its just a blur, a quick-quick life that lasts so long
and then there is you, slow-motion, wandering through my life like a mystery
a mystery and i cannot even solve myself
so the length of my life rolls out like a tape measure
short dark lines and long dark lines and numbers (all without you)
and it wraps around my neck
my last breath taken, my eyes realize you are gone
you believe in god but you do not believe in me
dead to you: might as well mean dead.

here you are again
written on my face like make-up
and the words are drowning in my throat
i’m sorry i don’t always say it
i’m afraid you’d spit it back at me
and i don’t want to leave you.

i still have nuclear weapons

i wrote you haikus
maybe you could tell me their meaning
but of course you can’t because you never read them
and i never pushed you to because
i appreciate someone that hates everthing i do.
this is surely my most fatal flaw
so you never saw the things i said about you
and only through the writing can i tell you what that is
now you’re by yourself and i’m wondering what i did wrong
i did nothing wrong, to you, to you
its just that our lives are like haikus
so many contrasting lines of short sylables
make up a word that goes on forever
but i could never love you in its meaning
any ms or as or es or ls or is (not to mention ds and ns) would remind me of her
and you could never never be her