Category: Poetry

i got my pictures back today
theres one of you
that you were not prepared
for me to take
and by stealing that little piece of you
to put inside my camera
and later hang on my wall
i made my new favorite photograph
of you, of you, of you

and you are about to touch your face
to hide from my capturing?
but i’m quicker than that
and your eyelashes are fluttering
your lips about to move
and your hair falling in straight, orderly disarray
whenever i look at it, really

i’ll think i want you
your lips to touch mine
your hand reaching for my face
your hair falling around me
and if you say no,
you’re still my favorite photograph

i think last week
my head hit the pillow
my top eyelids slammed into my bottom eyelids
and the weight of the world just crashed me down
i need to cry,
let it all out baby its okay
but nothing hurts bad enough
so i’ll just bleed it all out.
i’m sorry.
but i’m gone, dead at seventeen
survived by no children
and nothing identifiable went wrong
maybe it was a broken heart
or maybe it was one sealed up so tight
that nothing,
not even me not even living
got out.

i cross my fingers
and dot my eyes
remind myself
not to hurt this time

and i’d give anything
to tell them,
my darling
that i was the one
to hurt you first.

ive tried to cut you out of my life
but my arms are not my life
and i am still a failure
so i try once again
to bleed away the sting of you
(fuck you for ruining my love)
i’m throwing her away
because she’s not you
but that doesn’t mean she won’t hurt me the same
and i still remember you

i had just bought that dress
with so many beautiful thoughts in my head
about what that day would be like
you made me feel like it would be my first time
and i was giggling in my own way
waiting so patiently
but you had to see it on me

when i smiled for you, in the doorway
you took me in and kissed me
the straps obeyed your hands command
falling to the floor so easily
and i remember the cool breeze of the dress falling
and the warmth of your hands as you tried to cover me

you gave up on your hand effort
and surrounded my skin with kisses
it was too sincere to be strategy
soon you covered me with your skin
and it felt so pure and beautiful
and i loved you just then
i remember everything, still
its so much later
and so much more painful

you tore away my inhibitions
and gave me new ones
i can’t love anyone
i don’t blame you, i just
i just remember everything.

i am kicking and screaming
fighting away everyone
yelling “don’t love me”
repeating and when that fails
screaming hurtful words louder
trying to escape the pain

i want to dilate
i want to die a little

their hands reach out for me
but i make fists hard to hold
instead the affix themselves to my wrists
i am nothing but angry
i want it all gone.
everyone out, i’ll start with me.

i want to dilate.
i want to die a little.

everyone that ever loved me will leave me
ending with me
(i won’t let go.)

if i let myself go, in you
i would find you
and i did, i did, i did
but i lost myself

i could be anyone
you or someone else
and you wouldn’t understand
that i’m not trying to kill you

but i feel like i’m dying
me,
i’m so far gone
that this pause may just be
me, waving goodbye to myself

and i’m sorry
but i needed to hear
“i love you”
and my lips wouldn’t say the words

when your eyes are closed
your head bowed, hands folded
you must be doing this
and with open eyes
you just can’t

god isn’t listening
to those who look around
and see life, instead
you must block the creations out
crawl inside yourself,
& focus on yourself

when your body is the only thing
you can let god in
but – remember – god
is not listening
if you open your eyes
or look around

and this is your culture
just one of bowing down
shut your eyes
pray for forgiveness

while it is boredom that i recognize,
i still think of you
while you are not a flag,
a symbol of this history
you have your own history
surely just as rich.

so tell me, tell me, tell me your story
and we’ll erase it, and
write our own.

i think you’re beautiful
you’re smart and i am swept away
by you.
i like the way i feel when we touch
and your hair, your eyes.
while i should pay no attention to your lips,
you point them out and i look
and i wonder how ours may fit together
you put your hand on my knee, today
i wanted you to leave it there
but i don’t say one goddammed word,
until maybe now–
cos i’m saying it to myself

i’m afraid.

i might love you, but
you might not love me.
i might hurt you, and
you might hurt me.
i might be a bad kissser, and
you might follow my lead.
i might admit to thinking about kissing you, and
you might laugh when i try to
i might be crazy, and
you might be afraid of catching it.

i’m afraid.

i might love you, and
you might love me.