i don’t know what to tell you
except that i want you to feel electric too
you tell me it’s not my fault
but it’s always all my fault
and so i cry to the music
and it’s all making me so sick.
i want to feel your arms around me
or have you kiss me again.
but I think I regret it
because you didn’t look happy.
and that’s not what i want.
especially when I thought it felt so right.
this room seems to expand for miles and miles
to know that you are so close
makes you feel so far away.
and flow sheets and red or black pens
are meaningless as my mind wanders
back to you.
i only got a glimpse.
between round 1 and round 2.
I could see some of your hair
as you were draped over a book
drowning in it somewhere.
i wanted to yell hello
but i was too far away
to tell if it was you
so the next round
you flooded my mind like you had the round before.
the first time i met you i remember shaking your hand
i remember what you were wearing
i remember the food you were eating looked so good
there was something beautiful and/or enchanting
about first greetings in art rooms
and that room isn’t too far away
and the room where you are isn’t too far away
but when i know you’re right there.
i just want to be closer.
i am alice; you: white rabbit.
i want to follow you
down rabbit holes to tea parties
i want to know
all of your mad hatters
and chesire cats
i want crawl into your smallest hallways
and pay no attention to the awkwardness of dreaming.
come and celebrate this
and all of your unbirthdays with me
i am mock turtle; you: dormouse.
we’re both on trial
for the same thing
the accusations of a girl who isn’t guitly
of anything but deep sleeping.
and dreaming.
we ate the things that say ‘eat me’.
and drank those that demand to drink
maybe that’s the problem all along.
as our bodies grew
to unnatural sizes
we looked for something new
to make the growth stop
we never solve the problem,
just conform to normativity.
merry unbirthday.
i won’t conform for them.
I think I like .boys. better
in pink dresses and heavy makeup
when you hold my hand.
and i can float away
yelling softly at the couch
for it to sit down
so that i can sit down
because i need to feel grounded.
but i don’t want to feel grounded.
I think that your hands are the softest hands
in the history of the world
and i could just hold them forever
and when you walk back to your house,
accented sweetly by the headlights of my car
i smile and say “god, she’s gorgeous.”
it’s like when you’re little
and you’re sad and won’t say it
but the muscles in your face
are forced into a frown that won’t go away
except that I’m sixteen,
and i’m happy and i’ll say it
the muscles in my face are floating into smiles
i’m happy and content
like i haven’t been in years.
i need to be next to you.
Today i was wafting down the hallway
and a scent wandered my way.
it smelled just like my exboyfriend
so i sped up and got closer
breathing in with my eyes closed
scent is such a beautiful, powerful thing.
i want to know the scent
of being curled up inside of you
i want to know how it smells to be happy.
like soap? or deodorant? or fresh laundry.
i want to know the taste of your kisses
and the feel of your hands
i already love the way it sounds
to hear your voice say “i like you too”
When I was sitting all alone
i wondered what you were doing
right then at that moment,
were you staring at a wall in a kemistry class
were you dreaming silently,
as you journeyed through the pages
in your most recent literary endeavor
you should really read Weetzie Bat
I want you to be My Secret Agent Lover Man
or you could be my Duck
i want to feel your fingers
dance slowly across my neck
love is a guitar
smashed into an amp
and the sounds of the chords
are really breaking strings
and everythings so quiet
until you fall in love.
i can feel you like the eyes of a deer
watching cautiously from far away.
i possess a fear of looking back
i don’t want you to run away
and here i sit–on the front porch
i’ll wait. quietly if i must.
crushes are crushing, but love is smashing
and sometimes i feel smashed.
i hate the word crush
all of my crushes were empty
they changed into nothing
if there is one thing i learned from him
it’s that love is all there is
we can’t hold back
we can’t let go
“you have to tell her.”
and so i did.
and here i sit–in a desk
wondering, quietly, to myself.
what are you thinking right now?
don’t doubt.
the fire has started
it blazes through
my veins and I
feel the burning.
Deep down, I’m
not so cold.
the heater is on
as i drive on the highway
it’s blasting, i’m sweating
but I feel okay
there’s so much impurity (regret.)
i think i’d be good for you.
even if i’m just a phone booth to walk in to.
i couldn’t tell the difference
between you and your superhero.
“too bad you had to have a better half.”
everything is complicated.
our arms hang limp at our sides
and i don’t know what to say
it’s like i just spent months
gripping tight to my fear
and now it’s subsiding
i just want you here.
if this is how it has to be
then so be it.
but i like the way i feel
when you’re with me.
like waves in the ocean,
crest and trough
the waves are like hammocks
you hold me —
we swing gently back and forth
i thought i would feel empty
(like vases, i believe)
but then you sent me flowers
you held my hand
i’m swept away
in something,
and if only it’s the promise
that there’s something more,
something better,
something out there.
it’s still worth it.
today i truly smiled again
got all squishy inside
i felt alive like never before
when you held my hand.
i don’t want to be afraid anymore.
and if i don’t.. then i don’t.
your eyes close: you’re blinking
at the same time as me
no one notices
it’s all so natural, it seems
you take a breath: inhale sharply
we breathe in at the same time
no body notices but me.
i think i’m in love.
I think this is something.
i think i have to tell you sometime soon.
I can tell you you’re beautiful
but it’s so impossible it seems
it’s so natural it’s like waking up
in the mo(u)rning
when we walk together
when we take steps in unison
it seems better than natural
it’s logical
it’s reality: so realize it.
but i’m dumb
i’m mute.
i’m in love with a girl.
i feel empty
i feel blank
i want escape
make me fly
make me scream
i want to breathe
you are stars
you are night
i want to dream
kiss me gently
kiss me deep
i want to lust
touch me angry
touch me hard
i want to bruise
i want to feel
anything.
