Category: Uncategorized

i don’t know if i should hold you
because i’m so dirty these days i’d smudge on your skin
our bodies aren’t touching
but our bodies were always touching
and this is where i really feel seperate from you
but i had to see your face and you looked great
but i didn’t tell you.
madeline, you were pretty yesterday
and always.

while i’m wondering about touching you
i know that just one touch from you
will send me crashing to my feet
with tears falling from both eyes
and washing blood and dirt from the wounds i’ve created
both for you and for me
then i get my touch on my arm
and i’ll forever remember how you felt:
you’re piercing.

the feeling of your finger against my skin that way
and i’m a puddle, no there are puddles at the ground
where tears fell from my eyes and flooded your bed
so you hold me, you’re alive and your heart is beating
my heart is too but the sobs drown out all the sounds
and for the first time in so long:
i’m alive too.

i am here,
and i’m alone
and i’m waiting for a phone call
and no one will ever call today
because the vintage strip malls
of the city to my east
keep you from the town to my west
and your phone line
is just as good as dead.

i’m here,
and i’m alone
and i’m waiting for a return
and no one’s coming home today
because i’m a slob-fucking-lesbian
and those types are just so hard to love
keep on forgetting
all the love i’ve gave to you
and all that you’ve tought me
you’re just as good as dead.

i’m here,
and i’m alone
and i’m waiting

she just keeps saying things will get better
but i can’t be alone
because if there’s one thing you never taught me,
it’s how to deal.

i’m here,and i’m bleeding
so i must be real.

you folded your hands
tightly around me
and i choked and suffocated in your grasp
while you said iloveyouiloveyouiloveyou
you crushed my little wings
and i couldn’t have flown away
even if i had tried
and i was too dumb to try that

now you want me back
or that’s what they tell me
long after you left me bound and broken
you call my name alone at night
once again, i’m sorry to say
i cannot be your savior
i cannot be your lover
you’ll say those words again
ask me for forgiveness
you fucking bastard, no one died
no one died for your sins against me

and i said amen a long time ago.

it’s like night
so dark and secluded
it’s like right
because of how it feels
your hands in mine
held over my face
into the light
i see your fingernails
is that clear nailpolish?
my nail polish is black
and our hands blend together
from skin to skin to skin
melting skin
your girl hands up against mine
and i feel fine.

i got your note
on my diary page
and i read the one you left me
underneath the elastic of the dolly
i read the words in your poetry
and think that you should come with a companion
and that that companion should be me.
i don’t want to explain you,
but i can try to explain myself to you
and this is the only thing
pertinent to us us us

you are losing me,
and you have been all along
you’re losing me in your eyes
you’re losing me in your touch
you’re losing me in your strength
you’re losing me in your voice
and you’re losing me in you
even you could not push me away from you
even if you tried
you’d find me
crawling back to you

you were right all along
you are losing me
and so now you know
but they say that we’re all winners
just by playing the game

last night you stood behind me
and despite habit my paranoia was fading
it was okay that you were right there
and when your hands reached up to my shoulders
i could feel them like the weight of all the lies i’ve told before
i promise not to say anything i don’t mean

sometimes i go too long without seeing your face
it starts to fade away
and i’m just sure i’m fading too
just when i start to miss you so bad
i get to see you, hopefully
you’re such a beautiful girl

why does one of us always have to go home?

apparently this is all that i can be
a crying fucking emo kid
with heavy eyelids and a weighted heart.
and i’m sorry, i didn’t bother
i’m sorry, i’m not good enough.
i’m sorry, i fucking suck.
i’m sure you think the same.

if i tried to get out of bed
I would only fail again
if i tried to kill myself
I would only fail again
if i tried to make amends
I would only fail again
if i tired to stop the cycle
I would only fail again
if I tried to call you on the phone
I would only fail again.

my voice floods my brain
like a fucked up conscience
that hasn’t done enough wrong
to deserve feelings this bad, and i can
rationally state this
but i can’t put the words
out of my lips because
what if they fall under our toes to the floor.

i want to fall
but this is the bottom.
build me back up.
who am i?

i don’t know what i want you to say
i don’t know what i want to hear from you.
i don’t know what i think.
i don’t know what you should think.
i don’t know much.

but all of this time that i’ve spent not talking to you,
i’ve devised one million creative ways
to make you dead.

you would be more fun that way.

i want to hold you
in my arms while
you cry until your eyes dry.
and i want to run my fingers
across your back
until you’re asleep
i want to lay there
and play with your hair
until you’re nightmares stop.

jen is no good for you
at this point i don’t think she’s good for anyone

i heart you dear.
in that friendship way
and it hurts me to read
about all of your pain.
you just need to be happy
and she can’t do that for you anymore.
reading your words is like watching
a farmer drown kittens in a gunny sack
i can’t stand here silent.

Our tears fall down our faces
like blood down the walls
of revolutionary buildings
and emotion is an open wound
collapsing inward on our souls
we gloss over our reality
like it’s a cavity
and the drill doesn’t hurt

joy is merely being content
with the stinging pain of history
and our sadness is discomfort
in the face of what takes place
we are empty, bound to histrionics
our hearts break like plexi-glass

triumph is avoiding damnation
stay in good health — don’t die
failure is a beating drum
that succeeds us on our journey
I am the hunter.
You are the deer.

I’m so fucking sorry.