Author: Jess

i woke up sad today
plagued by a little regret
i hate this feeling
please tell me all of the things i need to hear.

i’m broken.
do you have the glue?

love sounds like…
the crunching of leaves under our feet
and the whisper of our hands brushing up against each other
as we slowly walk away.

love tastes like…
cigarettes exhaled into the wind
and candy cane lips sweetly glossed with saliva.
as we press them together.

love feels like…
a slow dance without music
and a skin-damp squishy rhapsody
as we move ourselves as one.

love smells like…
eucalyptus spearmint and ginseng aromatherapy
and smoke and sleep and sex
as we inhale the freshness.

love looks like…
a beautiful goddess that’s tall (with big hands)
and pink-streaked hair with a broken heart
as I look up slowly.

this is what love loves like.

apparently this is all that i can be
a crying fucking emo kid
with heavy eyelids and a weighted heart.
and i’m sorry, i didn’t bother
i’m sorry, i’m not good enough.
i’m sorry, i fucking suck.
i’m sure you think the same.

if i tried to get out of bed
I would only fail again
if i tried to kill myself
I would only fail again
if i tried to make amends
I would only fail again
if i tired to stop the cycle
I would only fail again
if I tried to call you on the phone
I would only fail again.

my voice floods my brain
like a fucked up conscience
that hasn’t done enough wrong
to deserve feelings this bad, and i can
rationally state this
but i can’t put the words
out of my lips because
what if they fall under our toes to the floor.

i want to fall
but this is the bottom.
build me back up.
who am i?

I think that I am losing you,
you’re drifting far out to sea somewhere
and i’m crying to ocean,
making the seas more torturous
and i’m so sorry.
i’m so sorry.

will you just please say
‘i want to be with you’
i’m tired of sifting through my thoughts
i’m tired of floating in the current
i just want you to break my heart.

and you say that love doesn’t exist
and i say that it does
we go back in forth in turmoil
i don’t see a point to me
and you expect me to find a point in us?
you only misread me
you only misspeak me

you are beautiful when i’m tired
and your voice twinkles over the phone
this is the beginning of my end
and i knew it all along.

i love you.
define i
define love
define yourself.
because i won’t anymore

i see you in my dreams
your eyes cut like memory
you’re an asshole.
in dream and memory.
you yell at me,
i get defensive.
i hate you
and i hate myself for that.
I hope you die soon.

i see you in my dreams
i don’t want to see you.
i don’t want you to be there.
but there were are in a bathroom
and i suddenly see it all so clearly.
i am just a fuck-toy
you play me as you will.
i don’t let you inside.
i don’t let you inside.
i let you go:
you tell all of your friends.
burn. burn. burn.

i see you in my dreams
who are you?
i can’t see your face,
but i can feel your weight like you are a burden
and you feel heavy
and i feel weak
and we feel empty: we feel nothing.
we are together
you taste like no one
You are new
You tell me you heard I fucked him
i get pissed off and climb on to the counter
i curl up, fetus, and cry
i hate you.
i want you to get angry at him.

i see you in my dreams
I want you immediately
you just want taco bell and teasing
and then there is graduation
i suppose this is moving on.
and we watch, holding hands on the hill
eating cheap mexican food–
it tastes so good, being with you.
and i hold your small hands
and drag you off into my bedroom
we fall on top of each other
and i have to ask (i have to know)
you tell me she doesn’t know about me
and i kiss you again, harder, deeper.
i want you immediately.

i see you in my dreams
where are you now?
i am waking.

close.
your.
eyes.
and.
blink.
away.
my.
pain.
like.
i.
can.
float.
into.
the.
clouds.
and.
leave.
you.
without.
feeling.
a.
trace.
of.
remorse.
i.
want.
to.
be.
so.
much.
for.
you.
i.
feel.
so.
much.
everything.
all.
at.
once.
when.
you.
hold.
my.
hand.
you.
are.
so.
soft.
silky.

you’re beautiful,
and rushing:
silent, red. thick.
you’re dangerous,
and curvy:
liquid, sludgy. cold.

i want to break you into glass against the concrete.

i’ve spent one thousand lifetimes
hiding behind words that flow from my pen tips
i was poe, i was kerouac, i was sappho
i was a beautiful renaissance maiden
that slept at the foot of Shakespeare
now I am no one special.

my pen pricks my fingertips
and the blood that pours washes away my words
but they were meaningless
i am meaningless
i am breaking into nothing.
and growing-up broken hearted.
i feel so fucking blank.

my mind stares up at you
a white sheet of paper with empty blue lines
it begs for you to write it.
please give me the words and i will say them
i will take them from your lips
in a lusty loving sin.

your quills caress my canvas.
where do i end and you begin?

this is not all just sin.
it’s plain and simple complex.
it appears to be
a basic thirst and hunger
for control and power.
i conquer, i win.
but it’s not.
i assure you, vixen,
it’s not.

do you know
how many sleepless nights
i’ve spent dreaming of you?
you silently gaze across my thoughts
and i coast into you.
i wish we could just
fall asleep with our fingers touching.

last night amber was playing in the background
and your voice delighted over the telephone lines
you sound golden when we’re talking to late
and i’m just a little in trouble.

i am tethered to my fears.
and you’re a ferocious dog,
breaking through the chains.