Author: Jess

why don’t you shut your eyes
again. and try to smile at me.
you just can’t do it.
because you get those pictures in your head.
why don’t you try to dream your dreams.
with your head still spinning from the alcohol
why don’t you slide into your nightmares.
again.

you’re breathing softly on my pillow
and your chest rises and falls
if i had half a brain i’d put the pillow over you head.
hold it down till you’re not breathing.
i’m sick of this game again.
i’m sick of this.
too bad it’s my heart by which i’m lead.

she said, she said.
‘even though in my head
i’m dying.
i can’t help but cry when you’re crying.’
she said, she said.
‘can’t you see it’s over.’
you look back at her.
she averts her eyes to the door.
you say ‘i want nothing more than to see you happy
and if it makes you feel so beautiful.
to not have me on your arm.
then go ahead and take your freedom.
i want nothing more than to see you happy.’
and she started to cry again.
she says ‘i want nothing more than to be
with my favorite girl in the world.
but it’s not working out
no this is not what loves about.’
she said, she said.
but if it makes her feel beautiful.
to be crying all the time.
and if she finds comfort in the loneliness
than this is what she should do.
oh maybe it’s not rational.
but neither was being with you.
she said ‘you’re irrational when you’re angry.
and that’s why i just can’t stay.’
she said ‘you’re so competitive.’
she says ‘I could’ve never loved anyone so much.’
and you say ‘then why do you have to go?’
is it not enough that she’s already crying?
is it not enough that she’s craving to die.
and all you do is ask her ‘why?’
can’t you see the lacerations on her arm?
she’s in love with herself again.
she’s gotta love herself again.
until she does she can’t love you.
wasn’t it you that told her that?
and if she doesn’t leave you now,
then when?

she holds her face in her hands
and she looks down at the floor.
she’s everything she wanted to be
but no one that she knows
and she loves him more than anyone
but he’s everyone that she hates
she doens’t know him anymore.
she doesn’t know herself anymore.

she doesn’t know much.
she doesn’t know anything.
she just knows that she’s so in love.
she just knows that she wants to be with him forever.
she thinks holding on to him
is like holding on to who she used to be.

and she can’t let him go.
and she can’t let him go.
he just sleeps and she lies there with him
he’s dreaming that she’s dead
he’s waking up in a cold sweat
and she’s sleeping. she’s sleeping. she’s sleeping.
she’s off to find herself
cuz she doesn’t know who she is
and she doesn’t know much anymore.
she doesn’t know who she used to be.
she just thinks that maybe at one time
maybe once she used to be happy.

she’s always thinking about something.
she notices the shape of your letters
they’re more powerful than your words
and if she takes a breath,
she’ll hold it for a long time
she’s dying she’s exhaling
she’s dying inhale.

this last breath. from her lips.
and she doesn’t even see it
she just knows that she’ll never understand
you, or her. or anything
but who she used to be.
that’s what she liked.
and she doesn’t even see it.

as you’re cramming for your final exam
you read the words that she writes for you
you smile, you wonder, who’s that about?
but you’d never ever think me.

this last breath. from her lips.
you could bring her back to life with a kiss.
and this last dream
this last moment is hers.
she wants her hand in yours.

this last breath

i’m the lease for an apartment.
you can crawl inside of me,
sleep on my wooden floors.
tell all your friends you’ve found the one
she’s studio, 6th floor.

you don’t notice the finger prints on the windows
you don’t notice that there’s still a half-empty beer in the fridge
you can’t see the smudge on the application.
just sign here cuz i’m so pretty
give this girl a whirl.

i am your new apartment.
apart for me you don’t got anyone
and if you did i’d scare them away.
i can’t handle it
she’s sleeping on my bed
she’s dancing with you on my floors
and yet i’m so in love, i’m still watching.
what if you treat her like shit : then i’m not the special one
what if you treat her good : why the fuck am i so terrible?

you don’t notice the raindrops tearing in my eyes
you don’t notice that that beer can is not empty
you can’t see the smudge of blood drying on the knife
just sign here cuz i’m so pretty
you make me ugly, baby.

i’m just that place you used to live once.
i can stand it this way.
There’s someone knew now, he’s so nice now
he treats me like I’m golden.
he treats me like a queen
i want to be with him forever
but what happens when you walk through that door again
what if you see me.
or worse, i notice you.

you only smile as you drive by
you don’t notice the empty cabinets
you can’t see me asleep so comfortably.
i’d like to tell you cuz i’m so pretty.
just sign here.

she has to have everything, everything.
her way or nothing, nothing
at all
you make her feel so tall.
you so insecure : a push-around.
she’ll do just that, she’ll shove you down.

she needs to see two sides to everything.
there’s an end after each beginning.
she needs to hear your voice once each day.
she wants to know that you’re okay.
no one can push you down but her.
she’ll stand up for you, she has before.

sometime’s she’s so sure.
you’re meant to be with her.
she needs the control over you.
if anyone hurts you just tell her who.
she’ll beat them up. she’ll tear you down.
you’re just her sad clown.

she wants to know how it feels to be in love.

she’s got her eyes closed tight
the tears won’t escape from her mascara-ed eyes.
you won’t see them when she gets mad
you don’t see how you hurt her so bad.
her knuckles are white as she clutches the wheel
it’s gonna be a long drive home.

it feels like she’s got her heart tied up in knots.
it feels like you’re pulling the pain square
you’re standing, whip in hand.
she’s crying, hiding under the stage.
this was once what she had dreamt of.
this was once just what she wanted.
it’s everything she wants to get away from.
you’re everyone she fukkin hates.

she doesn’t listen when you say i love you
her mommy taught her not to believe in lies.
she doesn’t listen when you say i love you
you can’t even look into her eyes