Author: Jess

I suppose now is the time that I admit that I’ve been in a bad mood all day. maybe? I don’t know. Joe and I didn’t have the best day of our relationship. Some of this is because I woke up way earlier than I meant to (arround 7 or 7:30) and got to lay in bed hoping I’d fall back to sleep by 8:30. It just set me in a pretty bad mood and unable to sleep for the next several hours. then i started cleaing sometime around 12 and got really frustrated by the lack of storage so i went out to buy storage tubs and that turne dout well. i also scored a “nesting basket” for my knitting supplies, something i’ve been wanting for a while and i got a trash can for the bedroom. who knows. maybe we’ll use it? i hope so. joe seems less optimistic about it. i also got two towers for panties, pjs and socks. Or in joe’s case, boxers and undershirts and socks. whee. how much fun is that? i’m really excited about it and the room is damn clean so i finally feel like i can relax. i’m hoping that a quick dust over of the whole place on thursday will make everything perfectly sparkly clean and i can take pictures of what our place looks like when everything is in array.

I had this terrible panic attack at about 7:10. Given that I had to work at night, this was probably a bad thing. It mostly started because I’d been holding back this bad mood all day trying to pretend that everything was fine because I was convincing myself at the time that this was the truth. Joe saw through it. By evening though, we went to get food for him and rent movies and I got all bitchy about it because i felt he was taking too long to get ready. and then when we got out it ended up taking too long through really nothing we could’ve done to avoid and I didn’t get to get food nor did I really have time for it before work. Instead of just grabbing food and being a few seconds late i proceeded to get terribly angry and then i just melted into this terrible panic attack. I think i should start keeping better records of what phrases i repeat during panic attacks. They would probably give me good insight into why i have them. Today i kept repeating “Help me” and shaking uncontrollably. And Joe didn’t know what kind of help i wanted or how I wanted it. So then he’d ask and I’d say “hold me” and he would but i just shook a lot. I also went into a frenzy of apologies and self-deprecation. That’s old hat though. The “help me” is new. What kind of help did I mean? Straight Jackets? Xanax? Desperate Housewives. No one knows.

My cousin Tara’s cancer is back. I’m sure i mentioned this before. anyway, I guess she’s really sick so now I’m perhaps going to give her some/ a lot of my blood. I hope that it doesn’t come down to her needing a transfusion but I’d be really happy to give her one if that is what she needs. it makes me feel really good because I really like giving blood and I pride myself on being O-negative. It’s nice to feel like I get to have a really positive impact on someone’s health potentially. It connects me to God in my own way.

Speaking of God-connections. Mom’s cousin Darylene and I talked for a while at the luncheon after the funeral about spirituality and things. She’s a really interesting person but she seems completely at peace with the world which is great. and I felt really spiritually safe talking to her and opening up about different parts of myself and my beliefs/relationships with God. She was really understanding about all of it and kind of helped me understand the way Saints should function in my catholicism, or at least understand it more than I did.

My mom’s uncle passed away on Thursday or Friday and the funeral is today. It’s nice to see everyone but I wish we all gathered around town for more than a funeral. All of mom’s relatives are so spread out though. There are centers of them in Dallas, St. Louis, St. Marys, and then some spread out to Topeka and Philadelphia. Getting us all in the same place seems somewhat impossible at times. The funeral seems to be okay. Last night at the visitation/prayer service all of his children seemed okay. He’s apparently been ready to die for about 6-8 months now and he was suffering a lot. I’m not really that upset about it either. And it’s a catholic funeral, which means I can pretty much avoid grieving at all cos no one gets to speak. Though I get the impression that the Kettermans were the only loud Rodenbaugh’s growing up. And probably Bobby and the rest in St. L.

It’s so nice to know when you have people on your side about things. Even if it is by mutual distaste, I think it’s just a really grand feeling to have the world with you when you consider things.

I judged Flint Hills NFL today and got to see all the rad debaters there. Awesome. I really love the Flint Hills kids, even the new ones tend to rock. I got treated well by Naylor too. I showed up right after first round started (not scheduled to judge at all) and I sat around with James for a while because he showed up late for what he was scheduled for. I ate the munchers I had grabbed when I took Joe to KC and we talked about how much days off work suck, cos really they do. When i finally was assigned rooms, i got to watch OO and then FX later. The OOs were good and a pretty easy, obvious decision. It was like the ranks walked in the room in reverse order. 4-3-2-1. Then FX was pretty good too although that one was a bit harder. i was head judge in the room too so I know that it was kind of random bullets. They ranked all over. I feel bad for the kids cos they had myself, one woman who is pretty good at forensics stuff, and then one woman who had no idea about anything and kept interrupting me before the round.

I also got to see TuTu which is always a trip. I’m sure I’ll make his photo list on facebook which I’m pretty fucking excited about, lol. He commented that he thinks my breasts have grown. I said “yah, i tend to gain wait evenly and then lose it only from my stomach. it works out well.” he said “well they look bigger.” and i said “Thanks, i think. You know. you’re incredibly awkward in social situations.” but that’s just sorta how Tutu is and I think it’s what i respect about him. Apparently he has two tests coming up that he needs to do really well on to stay at KU. I hope that works out for him. What a crazy kid.

What else happened? I don’t know. Mostly just drama in the debate world. Seaman needs to find a permanent coach and I guess it’s a pretty contentious decision. Lots of crazy news in that world.

I really miss the circuit. I’m also really excited about Michelle and this girl from Emporia who are coming to WU next year. Sweet fucking stuff. Michelle got a leadership scholarship which is good news for the institute because I was probably going to kill them if she didn’t get one. We need more sweet people in the institute and in the history department.

Oh yah! Joe and I are Pres and VP of Phi Alpha Theta next year! Hooray for us! I’m so excited about taking it over. I’m also planning on really stepping up my comittment to the leadership institute. I should probably go talk to Gary about that. I feel like I’ve hardly participated these past two years. Cara and Kinsley leaving should open up a huge void that I hope to fill. Even though I’ll miss them both a whole lot. They’ve been in a lot of ways like my big sisters. Especially Cara cos she’s usually around and we’re interested in a lot of the same things. She’s been a really great mentor to have, officially and unofficially. I should tell her these things in a more public way. Perhaps, a letter? Yes, I think that would be very nice.

I feel like my entire universe is crashing all around me. The good news is that I cleaned the apartment so now the living room and kitchen are mostly not in dissaray. Also, i’ve been cutting down on soda intake because Easter was inspiring. And I don’t want the empty calories. I do believe that I’d be anorexic if not for my lack of willpower. Although i have the most dysmorphic body image. It’s all over the map, known to change not from day to day but hour to hour. Mwah-ha.

Mom called today to say that she switched my furniture for hers because she wants the nice furniture “back.” I pointed out that it’s never been her furniture it’s always been mine and she said that she wanted to keep it nice and “you kids put pop cans all over everything.” My response to this was that I don’t even live there to put fucking pop cans on my dresser. I said that I probably hate the room now. I told her that I just don’t see how it could look good cos the furniture is way too big for my room and the other stuff matches the bed. I said that my bedroom is a place that I enjoy coming home to and now it will be all different.

I do not know how to communicate to my mother that that bedroom has been my single consistent point of solace since I was a small child and I would prefer if she left it the hell alone. I don’t know how to remind her that she said when I was moving out for college that she wanted to leave my room the same so that I had a place to come back to and so that I would still feel like i was part of the family. I feel like I’ve been erased from the family. Like I somehow died and now they’ve moved past me and they’re starting to redo their lives again which means taking my good furniture. I don’t know how to tell her this. Where are the words for it? I do not know.

I don’t know if I plan on living at home this summer anymore. Fuck if it doesn’t feel like somewhere far far away from me now. I don’t need this now. I’m not very emotionally stable, and I’m stressed anyway.

I know that it is just a room that no longer matches. I know that it is just furniture. But when you get past all of that stuff, really, it isn’t. It’s so much more.

today was a really good day, i think. i debated jeff jones in my first round and hopefully picked up. id on’t know what my record ended up being but i’m really happy that i got out of prelims and debated in double octs. in double octs i really felt good about the round and totally thought i won, but i guess shaw pulled it out. i admit that i was really upset about it because i’m so competitive and i hate to lose and i had really thought that i’d won, plus everyone was telling me that i won. also, shaw pretty strategically made a brand new argument in his last rebuttal which sucked because i had a response i could’ve made. i guess that’s my fault for not pre-empting the argument he could’ve made. i guess i didn’t really see it. i just wish he would’ve made it sooner because it’s a slimy thing to do and i respect him more than that. who does he think he is? jeff jones? ugh. I also feel like i had a lot of reasons why I really wanted to win. my debating was in so many ways for mckeithan. i had a huge desire to win so that i could look back on this year as a memorial to him. but i suppose every debate is a memorial to him anymore, and my debates this tournament were amazing. if they are at all indicative of what i am capable of doing, i think i’m going to be an awesome debater in the next two years of college. i’m so excited to completely dedicate myself to the competition and see what i’m capable of. also, i really don’t mind losing to Shaw because he is 1) a senior; 2) probably a better debater than me despite what happened in that round; and 3) a mizzou boy. and i love the mizzou boys.

mass was really good too. we read mark about mary magdalene and mary going to the tomb and finding the stone rolled away. the homily was really good as well. i’m exploring the reason why the marys “told no one” about what they saw. i’ll probably write about it later.

this tournament has really proven to me what can be accomplished through the will and strength of God. What a great time. I think I also feel way more secure on the squad right now. It’s just been a good weekend as far as me feeling like part of the group and everything. I’m excited to be on the team and excited about all of the other people on the team. I guess I don’t really know what has changed, but I think it’s a good thing for me now. And I’m also positive I can really get into being an activist and volunteering this summer and next year while still pursuing knowledge about debate. Maybe I’ll start reading about energy now. Who knows.

Asia has been an interesting time. I’m going to miss my Great Apes aff a lot. I really loved that case.

i put up a new layout yesterday, it’s based on the death cab for cutie song “moviescript ending” but i think that’s pretty obvious. i’m pretty satisfied with it. it’s not quite as bright and crazy as my last layout was but i think that will be a good thing. i’m also not exactly positive that i like it as much as my last layout, it’s much simpler, but i think that at worst it will just lead to my changing my layout more often. hopefully. i’d like to do more graphic design stuff again.

we’re at nfa and it’s going pretty well. i feel super confident about all 3 of my rounds and we’re down to like 5 left i think? i’m not sure. i guess there are 8 rounds. yah. there are, i just counted. I AM VERY SMART.

i feel like i don’t have a whole lot to blog right now. I’ve been trying to be more poetic in the way that my life works, I think it’s a good thing.

Later I’ll probably blog about how upset I get about West Papua, but until then… au revoir.