Author: Jess

man. what a bummer i was the other night, huh? that seems completely unnecessary. i hate it when i get really down like that. it sucks to feel that way and it sucks for everyone else. more than anything.

that night turned out alright though. my keys were locked in my car at the time that i posted the entry. so i couldn’t get to work because mom didn’t want me driving so she was all in a tizzy about bringing keys to me so i could get into my car. uuuugh. anyway. brian had called earlier in the day asking if joe and i wanted to hang out so we had him and travis over. it ended up being travis, britain, brian and i who went sledding. it was flipping amazing. literally on the flips. lol. i’d never been to quinton heights before and it turns out i was really missing out. we didn’t have an sleds so we just used a couple trashcan lids (ineffective) a laundry basket (more fun) and a drawing board (huge clipboard, AWWWWESOME!) to get down the hill. oh man. i went so fast. and it ended in a flip. there are only so many moments that make one girl realize she could die just then and it would’ve all been worth it. how many things are you willing to die during? honestly.

after sledding, we decided to crash Blake’s birthday party. basically we were gonna go and not leave until the party was ruined. but instead i socialized and we had a pretty much overrall good time but we couldn’t stay too long cos travis needed to get back to trista and i wanted to get back to joe. so we did and brian, joe, and i talked until late and then he slept over. apparently he left at 7:30 am because he was “awake” because he “doesn’t sleep.” what a freak.

sunday joe had to leave which was lame. i mean i was expecting him to go on saturday so it was great to have the extra day (saturday morning-afternoon was fantastic.. we just hung out and enjoyed the not-having-to-do-anything for school feeling. awesome.) so anyway. we knew that his dad was “coming to get him at 12:30” but we did not know if that meant that he was leaving at 12:30 or arriving at 12:30. Turns out he was arriving!! We found this out because i was walking out the door at like 12 when his brother walked up the steps. oops. awkward. luckily. it was just ben unesecorted so there wasn’t any concerning looks. i spent the evening pretty upset because like whoa. joe was gone.

today (yesterday now technically unless you’re on TV Guide time, SUCKA), i had my first followup with my psychiatrist. she’s a pretty unprofessional person. but anyway. the Rx = ADDERALL. This is the best news I’ve gotten since the wall came down. She also gave me a script for Lamictal which is a mood stabilizer. It would seem to me that at the point that i’m receiving both a mood stabilizer AND a stimulant that the diagnoses may be slightly incorrect. Who knows though. It should be alright. I’m looking forward to a sleepy next few days.

clayton came over for lunch and i cooked. delcious. we had corn + garlic bread + portobello tortelleni and pesto. i should cook more. tomorrow/today’s menu = thai experiments. green curried tofu + egg + noodles. WHAT COULD GO WRONG?! Nothing. The worst that can happen is curry.

brian called while i was hanging out with clayton and asked me if i wanted to go to the y. and i decided that a little exercise never hurt anyone so we went and played a few rounds of racquetball and some basketball. so much fun. i’m not that bad at racquetball i think. i mean, i am, and i got hammered. but i think i could be good at it or at least enjoy it. i’ve gotta quit treating it like its tennis though. ugggh. i can’t help it that i don’t want to play off the walls. lol. then we played basketball. i suck at it. and i mostly hate it. the only thing i can kind of do is play defense but given that i don’t desire to have possession of the ball.. i’m not really aggressive enough on the court. jess competition strategy: stalemate.

ohhhh wow. this has been a long entry you kids have probably had enough. for enders though we watched rounders and i again learned what i had always known: If you can’t spot the sucker in yr first thirty minutes at the table then you’re the sucker.

i was looking at old websites.. like layouts that is.. and now i’m sad. i wish i were sixteen again for several reasons. the first of which is that everything seemed much brighter then. in other news: missed picking up jarred from the airport on account of snow. here’s a big fuck you to the weather.

Alright so I was singled out by rachel and i’m not really doing anything better right now, plus, i haven’t been blogging about anything lately so here goes.

You get one wish of anything, what would you ask for? Probably a vacation where I could backpack around Eurasia for myself and like 5 friends. Because there are so many places I really want to go.
What animal would you be? a dog. probably similar to my jack russel terrier sammie.
Something you want to do in your life? Right this minute? I want a doctorate in neurolinguistics. But we’ll see…
One time there were these Ninjas (finish the statement)and then they realized that they weren’t nearly as cool as chuck norris so they had to commit seppuku and they were pretty messed up about it but chuck norris went to their funeral and they became heroes in mexico.
One song you could listen to over and over again? Rocketman by Elton John. Well not seriously… seriously? fine. probably a warm place by NIN.
Coke or Pepsi? Coca-Cola, I’m an addict.
Something you currently desire? Spanish Rice
One good deed you’ve done lately? I just cleaned the entire apartment.
A funny moment in your life? Um… I think when my roommate came in to find my boyfriend and I singing rocketman by elton john to each other. lol. i can’t really explain it. But brandon was terrified.

i had that appointment with my psychiatrist on monday and it went about as good as can be expected (poorly) i was pretty upset. she said that i have add, inattentive kind, and i got a script for focaline XR which is like just below adderall, apparently, on the scale of powerful drugs to stop people from being their normal, distracted selves. i’ve kinda settled into the diagnosis… she also said that i have bipolar spectrum which means that i’m not necessarily full bipolar, though some day i could be (if i try hard enough i guess?) because i have lots of mood swings and bizarre episodes. i’ve heard basically the same thing before from other people so i guess this makes sense. the way others have described it… i tend to flatline at “normal” which is more depressed than “everyone else” but sometimes i’ll be more manic than “everyone else” and sometimes i’ll be WAAAAY more depressed than everyone else. Lately I seem to oscilate between the two extremes. Fantastic. The key, apparently, is remembering that i get to have manic-ish episodes. What sucks the most is when i go from feeling really good to feeling like shit. Because it’s such a horrible, horrible come down. I’ve only done it in that order i think once this week though. and while that was just beyond ridiculously bad… at least it was only once.

i feel kind of hopeless still. the add thing really sucks. my gut reaction was like “what the hell?” then i got really sad ebcause fucking everyone has that. and everyone deals with it. and i don’t. and it maybe makes me a freak. because i’m just some incurable thing that is beyond help. that’s what i feel like. i feel like there is just something uniquely wrong with me because i am bad.. not because of some biological of physiological or chemical wtf reason. and it sure as hell isn’t fixable. but then, that’s not what she said. i think her point of view is just that i don’t have the ability to focus in order to attain my personal standard for a level of perfection and that if i could focus then we could better decrease the stress level and increase my ability to deal with the other problems (bipolar?).

she makes some sense.

she also suggested that she thinks that i’m just traumatized from the experience of having my biological parents abandon me. fuck off was what i wanted to tell her. i almost walked out of the room at that point. i understood just then why they make you copay up front. where the fuck do you get the nerve to think that? was the second statement that came to mind. instead. i calmly explained to her that she was wrong because i don’t view them as abandonning me. i think they did it cos they loved me and i think it was hard for them. this was the point that i came closest to crying. it reminds me of the time my boyfriend told me that if they loved me they would’ve kept me, and you’re supposed to be a fucking professional? at least he was only fourteen.

tomorrow is thanksgiving. my family is crazier than i. i’m so excited about this holiday.

enter introversion.

sometimes i feel like if i relaxed myself completely i’d never get control of my body back.

this is how the apes evolved into a species that didn’t have freakish control of their toes.

except for you. freak.

So it turns out that if you let jess sleep unfettered, she will sleep for outrageously long times. Welcome to my second wakeup at noon. Yesterday I slept in till like 11:51 but wasn’t too mad at myself because i probably would’ve rinsed that time anyway. Today however, disaster! I was supposed to be awake at 9 or 9:30 helping Devon and researching for my TVPRA paper but alas, instead I ended up asleep until noon. I guess this means that the schedule for next weekend is gonna look like this: Do that paper. So the project will be done actually before the paper is done. and here I had all of this great initiative to do it in a different order. Uggh. I also have a paper due for my Morse but can’t find the crit essay handout. Oh well. I’ll call Troy. Hopefully he can email it to me or something.

Speaking of Troy: His band is playing a punkshow at the Trap on November 26 (next friday). Anyone want to go with me? It’s like 6 dollars. But it’ll be worth it cos you’ll get to be in my prescense and see Troy’s band. w00t.

so everything is hideously connected, as it turns out. i wrote a poem about this the other day. i also was just now realizing that people all do the same things and act the same way and everything is a cycle. and it’s a vicious one. so try not to get caught up in it, my dear. so not only were they both second choice (first choice, third, whatever!) but they also traded jobs. freakish. i guess technically the work elsewhere from where they did but it’s just very, very odd. i mean. c’mon.

deleuze and guattari would call this a rhizome. which makes some sense if you know what it is: imagine the rhizome as the rabbit warren, each room has its purpose completely seperate from the others and yet through the connections by pathways that are established within the tunnels, a sense of being results and a concept exists through every plane of multiplicity. I LOVE GRASPING CONCEPTS.

to do: Play, “Last Seen”, Sunday, 2 pm, please attend with me, at Little Theater, call me for details. Open invitation to lunch and mass following the play.